So... it's been just over a month since my older brother passed away. We still haven't been told why, by the medical examiner, which is starting to really upset me. Despite only being 36 years old, he had a slew of health problems, as well as pill addictions. They had him on 10-12 different meds though, so who knows?

Finding him on the floor, and not realizing what had happened for several hours, until I got concerned and called the EMTs, will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. He always had a problem with pills, xanax in particular, so I originally thought he'd just barred himself out and was in a drug induced sleep. It had happened before, so it wasn't anything new. I tried to turn him over onto his back and couldn't get him to move. Originally, I thought it was just him being a large guy, but afterwards I realized it was probably the rigor mortis. As long as I live, I'll never forget being in the living room with the EMTs checking him and one of them saying "Yeah, it's rigor mortis..." That was basically the way I was told he'd passed away.

I still don't know what to say to his kids, even now. I think they were the third people to find out, after I called our younger brother and told him. I think he called our mom first. I'll always appreciate him being the one making the phone calls, as I was in no condition to do so, having instantly broken down when I was told. They're in counseling now, so I hope that goes well for them, as they're still young, the three of them being between 11 and 15.

It's weird though... I had to move out with my gf, as we couldn't afford the bills between the two of us, and we're now living with friends. I think a piece of me will always remain behind in that living room though. I HAD to move out anyway, as I'd never want to continue living in that place. I still think about my brother every day, and I just hope that eventually it gets better. I had a really hard time last night falling asleep.

And yet, life still goes on.