so yeah saturday night i had a fucking blast. i went to Whittier with some friends of mine. and got fucked up. but that wasnt the best part ok i t was awsome but not the best part. the best part is that i saw some friends i havent seen in like 6 years. and it was fucking awsome. i might have got a lil teary eyed if only becase if it wasnt for them i might not be here anymore in a sense they saved my life. and i will allways be greatfull for having friends like them. yeah that and i got super fucked up. and on smiernof ice of all drinks. but fuck it i got fucked up and im happy. i got to get drunk see old friends. so all and all it was a good night. it lifted my of my depression if only for the night. and im glad.

it is so fucking amazing how when you think that you have actual friends, people that you think you can count on and it turns out that you cant count on anyone in this world. no one but your self. and when you think that things are looking up. shit hits the fan. ive been having dreams about death lately mainly my death. and i started to think if i do die would anyone know. would anyone care. and would anyone go. is there anyone i can count on anyone i can talk to. my soul is missing something and what that is i don't know. i cant help but wonder will i ever be happy. am i destined to be alone. destined to judge by others that think they are better than me. i just try to block it out. i try not to cut but when shit comes crashing down. i have to cut. if only to feel something. that pain is the only thing i know is real and will always comeback.

SO JUST ANOTHER MONDAY. SUNDAY NIGHT GOT INVITED TO A PARTY., AND I WAS GONA GO JUST TO GET ALL THE PAIN OUT. JUST LET IT ALL OUT. JUST TO SAY FUCK YOU IM NOT GONA LET THE PAIN GET THE BEST OF ME. AND TRUE TO FORM I FIND OUT THAT MY EX IS GOING TO BE THERE ALONG WITH HER FIANCE. AND I ASK YOU HOW TO PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO SIT THERE WHEN I LIED TO THE GUY. HE ASKED ME WHAT HAPPEND BETWEEN ME AND HIS GIRL. AND I SAY NOTHING WHEN IN REALITY I THOUGHT WE WERE IN LOVE AND I THOUGHT SHE HAD DUMPED HIM TO BE WITH ME. WELL THATS WHAT SHE SAID. SO I LIE TO GUY SO SHE CAN STILL BE WITH HIM. AND I DO THIS FOR HER. BUT I CANT JUST BE AROUND HER AND BE LIKE WHAT EVER I LOVED HER. SO YOU KNOW WHAT I SPEN THE NIGHT DEPRESED. AND I CUT MYSELF AGAIN. THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT. AND I FIND THIS TO BE MY ONLY ESCAPE. BUT YEA IM SORRY. I LET THE WEAKER SIDE OF ME WIN THE BATTLE.

BAYSIDE LYRICS

"Duality"

Some days
I get crazed
I don't know why it's so irrelevant
I'll take deep breaths
And keep control, go on.

I've tried brave
And you've tried to save
I'm proud to keep it bottled up
I think I past my prime and lost my mind and I'm torn.

No telling what tomorrow holds.
Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try?
Who let, you let this feeling die,
I can't get you out of my head, my head.
You're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive.

Some say
It's all fate
but I say we control our lives
And if my destiny should outbest me then that's fine.
I make believe thrill and apathy co-exist in me fairly equally
The truth is doubts are all I've got to call mine.

No telling what tomorrow holds.
No telling what voice takes control.
Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try?
Who let, you let this feeling die,
I can't get you out of my head, my head.
And you're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive.

Is there anybody out there (anybody out there)
Is anybody calling (anybody calling)
What if what I say is really wrong?
Is there anybody out there (anybody out there)
Is anybody calling (anybody calling)
What if what you say is really wrong?
I'm not in control, I think I'm out of control

Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try?
Who let, you let this feeling die,
I can't get you out of my head, my head.
And you're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive.

ITS JUST A GREAT SONG. JUST TRYING TO LET IT ALL GO ALL THE PAIN ALL THE DRAMA. ALL THE HATE. AND JUST TRYING TO SAY FUCK YOU IM OVER IT.

soo yea its my day off today. yeah mondays off blows its so boring no booze. but yeah i just got my phone back. got my car back too they found it in los angeles aparantly who ever stole it got into a car acciden my muffler is all fucked up and it barley runs at all. fuck and on top of that my supervisor calls me to tell me that they are cutting back on my hours at work. there cutting it to 6 hours a day fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. now i got to find another job that i can work part time with this one. but yeah other than that all is fucked up

SOOOOO YEAHHHHH IDK ITS ALL GOOD NOW AND THEN. LOL YEAH MY CAR WAS STOLEN ALONG WIT MY CELL PHONE ON FRIDAY WHICH WAS PAY DAY FOR ME. LOL YEAH THAT WAS FUN SO NOW I HAVE NO PHONE AND NO MONEY. LOL SOO YEAH IM BORED AND IM OUT.