I walked down to the filling station. I put ten dollars down on the counter and I went outside to fill my can with 87 at the pump. I watched the yellow moon in the sky while i listened to fossil fuels fill up the can I'd brought along.
I walked home three gallons heavier than I left, but no one was home to mind the extra weight. I checked my phone before I left...no one called...nothing new there. I walked out back and I took a bath, no one was there to watch me light the match.
If a man self-immolates in his own back yard is there anyone there to listen to him scream? The answer is yes...always yes. Even the cockroaches noticed me tonight.
I burnt myself again, I rendered down to ash and yet here I stand.
I am an unbelievable achievement, I allow nothing but the best and therefore I am the worst in us all. I am a monster and I have the scars to prove it, I am a fighter and I have the kills tallied in pin pricks and bits of used up paper.
I've always been thankful for my health, even when I've had precious little else. Now I don't even have that. I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle, I haven't done any riding since I was a kid...since the accident, I haven't ridden since I was too young to have a license. I don't even know what the test entails in Cali.
I've got a finished book that's in editorial purgatory, I'm halfway through the second and I've got another five or so in the series...all sitting there and waiting to be finished up. But even if I do finish writing it all (and I will because writing is the one bitch who has never let me give up), I live with no guarantees. I had some guarantees...once, they're all gone, I got used to them...too used to them. That's why I spent that ten dollars, that's why I sat in the drive way and wondered if it was time.
It was...
I walked home three gallons heavier than I left, but no one was home to mind the extra weight. I checked my phone before I left...no one called...nothing new there. I walked out back and I took a bath, no one was there to watch me light the match.
If a man self-immolates in his own back yard is there anyone there to listen to him scream? The answer is yes...always yes. Even the cockroaches noticed me tonight.
I burnt myself again, I rendered down to ash and yet here I stand.
I am an unbelievable achievement, I allow nothing but the best and therefore I am the worst in us all. I am a monster and I have the scars to prove it, I am a fighter and I have the kills tallied in pin pricks and bits of used up paper.
I've always been thankful for my health, even when I've had precious little else. Now I don't even have that. I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle, I haven't done any riding since I was a kid...since the accident, I haven't ridden since I was too young to have a license. I don't even know what the test entails in Cali.
I've got a finished book that's in editorial purgatory, I'm halfway through the second and I've got another five or so in the series...all sitting there and waiting to be finished up. But even if I do finish writing it all (and I will because writing is the one bitch who has never let me give up), I live with no guarantees. I had some guarantees...once, they're all gone, I got used to them...too used to them. That's why I spent that ten dollars, that's why I sat in the drive way and wondered if it was time.
It was...
kas:
woot!!!! thanks
kas:
thanks