Wow, sorry for the melodrama....I was feeling extremely overwhelmed by negativity that day and wasn't sure how to cope. Thank you for the concern.
But, I haven"t lost my mind...yet. In fact, I'm feeling rather good these days. It seems my bad luck streak and equally bad mood have finally lifted, and I can focus on feeling awesome again. I decided to take my life into my own hands and do something risky, and it is paying off. All these years I've been searching for that elusive occupation where I can work part time, make a lot of money and actually have fun doing it, and I've finally found it. (More like, I finally found the guts to do it.) I basically get paid to look hot, dance seductively and have fun. Take a guess, haha. I love being a female.
So how was everyone's holiday? Mine was kinda shitty due to a number of factors, number one that I really, truly dislike Christmas. I like the idea of spending time with my family and seeing friends from my hometown, but I do not enjoy participating in devout acts of consumerism. And feeling so obligated to do so, as though I have no choice! I do have a choice, of course, but my traditional family (namely my dad,) would honestly be offended if I didn't hand out gifts, not because they're greedy, but because if I don't it somehow means that I don't care about my family. It's fucking silly. Every year I say that I'm going to make gifts instead but my intense resistance towards the whole deal ruins any motivation to do so. I'm also just really lazy in the winter. Besides all that, my dad got really sick on Christmas day, like puking sick, and it just didn't feel right eating our big holiday dinner without him. It's his favorite time of the year, and as much as I resent him sometimes, it really bummed me out to see the old guy so down. Then, to top it off, I started my period that day, and that always results in me being in a foul mood. The whole thing was a big load of bah humbug, and I'm glad it's over with.
I'm also really glad that 2007 is almost over with. I wouldn't change anything about it, for despite the chaos and difficult times I feel that I've learned a lot about my self and life in general. So, in that respect, it's been a good year. But I say good riddance to it all the same.
Happy 2008, ya'll. Lets make it a good one!
Ron Paul 2008
But, I haven"t lost my mind...yet. In fact, I'm feeling rather good these days. It seems my bad luck streak and equally bad mood have finally lifted, and I can focus on feeling awesome again. I decided to take my life into my own hands and do something risky, and it is paying off. All these years I've been searching for that elusive occupation where I can work part time, make a lot of money and actually have fun doing it, and I've finally found it. (More like, I finally found the guts to do it.) I basically get paid to look hot, dance seductively and have fun. Take a guess, haha. I love being a female.
So how was everyone's holiday? Mine was kinda shitty due to a number of factors, number one that I really, truly dislike Christmas. I like the idea of spending time with my family and seeing friends from my hometown, but I do not enjoy participating in devout acts of consumerism. And feeling so obligated to do so, as though I have no choice! I do have a choice, of course, but my traditional family (namely my dad,) would honestly be offended if I didn't hand out gifts, not because they're greedy, but because if I don't it somehow means that I don't care about my family. It's fucking silly. Every year I say that I'm going to make gifts instead but my intense resistance towards the whole deal ruins any motivation to do so. I'm also just really lazy in the winter. Besides all that, my dad got really sick on Christmas day, like puking sick, and it just didn't feel right eating our big holiday dinner without him. It's his favorite time of the year, and as much as I resent him sometimes, it really bummed me out to see the old guy so down. Then, to top it off, I started my period that day, and that always results in me being in a foul mood. The whole thing was a big load of bah humbug, and I'm glad it's over with.
I'm also really glad that 2007 is almost over with. I wouldn't change anything about it, for despite the chaos and difficult times I feel that I've learned a lot about my self and life in general. So, in that respect, it's been a good year. But I say good riddance to it all the same.
Happy 2008, ya'll. Lets make it a good one!
Ron Paul 2008
Ugh. Moving is lame. We finally got our internet hooked up. I love our new apartment though, despite the many inconveniences that come with renting an old building. And the neighborhood is very nice, from what I've seen of it anyway. Haven't had much time or energy to explore it.
I've been pretty angry lately. But it feels kinda good, because for once I'm not repressing it like I always have.
Working for the man blows. I've never held a full-time job before, let alone at regular work hours, and it takes every ounce of effort possible in my body to get up for work in the morning. I'm not sure I'm really cut out for the "real" world. Shit, I know I'm not. I just wish I could get paid to have fun and make people happy. There's gotta be a way...
Or better yet, not get paid at all. Not have a need for money, and just live. I'm tellin ya, I need to go live in a tree or something.
I've been pretty angry lately. But it feels kinda good, because for once I'm not repressing it like I always have.
Working for the man blows. I've never held a full-time job before, let alone at regular work hours, and it takes every ounce of effort possible in my body to get up for work in the morning. I'm not sure I'm really cut out for the "real" world. Shit, I know I'm not. I just wish I could get paid to have fun and make people happy. There's gotta be a way...
Or better yet, not get paid at all. Not have a need for money, and just live. I'm tellin ya, I need to go live in a tree or something.
So, I'm really starting to think that this Ron Paul might just be the guy I'm to root for. Shit, anyone who wants to dismantle the IRS and stop spending billions of dollars to try to govern the world has got my vote. Learn more about him here.
My luck is turning around. The I-Ching has a passage that says something along the lines of, "Extreme misfortune is followed by times of extreme good fortune." I'm feeling that now. That's what helped me keep my head up through all the crap I've been through lately. It feels good to know that I can handle buckets of rain pouring on my head and still manage to find the sun in the end. (Haha, literally today, as I was working in the rain.)
So when my boyfriend and I moved out here 2 years ago, I was really hoping to have our own place to ourselves, somewhere where our love for each other and the arts could flourish. And now, after 2 years of living with messy boys, drunk boys, drugged out boys, (not that I don't love all of those boys just the same,) and being the only girl, Nate and I are FINALLY moving into our own place. I couldn't be more excited. We're moving to a great neighborhood in an awesome apartment, (no more bikes stolen and windows broken, no more sharing the bathroom with 3 guys,) and we even get the entire attic space of the building to ourselves. This is major, because Nate and I have been needing a space to dedicate to our art and music, both passions of ours that have suffered and nearly been snuffed out due to lack of space and privacy. That attic is perfect. Actually, the whole place is perfect. I see this as a huge step towards a better future, as well as a step back to ourselves, if that makes sense.
And, as much as it sucks in a lot of ways, I think this meter reading gig is a good thing. I never thought I could hold down a full-time job, but it's pretty cool to get to explore the city in a way I never have before, and meet all sorts of weirdos with creepy basements and trespass on private properties and pretty much be my own boss. The weather can be shitty, and I get lost a lot since the routes are never in sequence or have clear instructions, ( I absolutely HATE being lost,) and I think my left ankle is starting to get pretty fucked up, but for the most part it's cool. I think I'll stick it out.
So yeah, life kicks ass. I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons soon as well, and then life is going to kick even more ass.
What's up on your end?
My luck is turning around. The I-Ching has a passage that says something along the lines of, "Extreme misfortune is followed by times of extreme good fortune." I'm feeling that now. That's what helped me keep my head up through all the crap I've been through lately. It feels good to know that I can handle buckets of rain pouring on my head and still manage to find the sun in the end. (Haha, literally today, as I was working in the rain.)
So when my boyfriend and I moved out here 2 years ago, I was really hoping to have our own place to ourselves, somewhere where our love for each other and the arts could flourish. And now, after 2 years of living with messy boys, drunk boys, drugged out boys, (not that I don't love all of those boys just the same,) and being the only girl, Nate and I are FINALLY moving into our own place. I couldn't be more excited. We're moving to a great neighborhood in an awesome apartment, (no more bikes stolen and windows broken, no more sharing the bathroom with 3 guys,) and we even get the entire attic space of the building to ourselves. This is major, because Nate and I have been needing a space to dedicate to our art and music, both passions of ours that have suffered and nearly been snuffed out due to lack of space and privacy. That attic is perfect. Actually, the whole place is perfect. I see this as a huge step towards a better future, as well as a step back to ourselves, if that makes sense.
And, as much as it sucks in a lot of ways, I think this meter reading gig is a good thing. I never thought I could hold down a full-time job, but it's pretty cool to get to explore the city in a way I never have before, and meet all sorts of weirdos with creepy basements and trespass on private properties and pretty much be my own boss. The weather can be shitty, and I get lost a lot since the routes are never in sequence or have clear instructions, ( I absolutely HATE being lost,) and I think my left ankle is starting to get pretty fucked up, but for the most part it's cool. I think I'll stick it out.
So yeah, life kicks ass. I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons soon as well, and then life is going to kick even more ass.
What's up on your end?
OHMYGOD I wish I could fucking sleep. I've had sleeping problems for as long as I remember, but goddamn, this is getting ridiculous. It seems like every time I make a major life change, (specifically starting a new job, in this case,) I can't sleep for at least a week or 2. And even when things are normal I'll have random bouts of insomnia. Lately I haven't been able to sleep until it's almost time for me to get up, which is at 6am. This is also the earliest I have ever been forced to get up on a regular basis. Anything earlier than 9am and my brain and body resist sleep until the point of exhaustion, and even then I never really adjust. I really, REALLY don't want to start taking sleeping pills, but I've tried every herbal remedy that I know of and nothing has helped. I can't afford to see a doc for a while, though, and my benefits don't start until after 6 months, which is BULLSHIT. If you're wondering, I started training to be a gas meter reader. It's actually pretty cool, if you don't mind walking all day, which I don't. It would be a lot nicer if I was well rested.
Anyone wanna buy me some Ambien or something???
Anyone wanna buy me some Ambien or something???
So, I turned 24 on Sunday. 'Twas a chill B-day, the fam came over and we all went to see the Simpsons movie and then ate 2 types of cake. The Simpsons movie was a lot better than i thought it would be, hilarious in fact. It used to be a family tradition at our house, weeknights @ 8, my dad would yell "Couch!!" and my brother and I would scamper to the living room from wherever we happened to be just in time to catch the opening "couch" scene and sit on the appropriate piece of furniture, glued to the t.v. for the next 30 min. (Mom was inevitably reading a book through the whole thing.) The Simpsons almost mean as much to me as my own family, haha.
Anyway, I decided that it makes more sense to regard my birthday as New Year's, since it is for me, and therefore I have made 2 resolutions for my 24th year: 1, to be more honest with myself and others, and 2, to actually put effort towards the changes I want to see in my life. I realized Sunday night that in life, input = output, and that I haven't put nearly enough effort into the first side of the equation, yet I have expected the output to be great. Obviously this hasn't worked, and for some reason it never dawned on me until recently that to have great results, there has to be an equal amount of greatness in the effort put towards the result. (Ding!) As far as honesty goes, well...I haven't always been the most honest person when it comes to telling others how I really feel, and not only is that unfair to those around me but also to myself. I totally fuck myself over when i don't express my true feelings due to embarrassment or a fear of being disliked, or fear of hurting someone, but being dishonest is more hurtful to myself and others than speaking painful truths. And it's gotten me in some sticky and downright stupid situations. Fuck hiding the truth. I'm all about telling it how it is from now on. (I'd say this confession is a good start.)
And now, time for random useless (but honest!) information!
1. Where's your number one on your top 8?
Um....what?
2. What is your favorite possession?
I don't really hold much value in possessions, but I'd have to say either my violin or my dog. But I don't like to think of my dog as a possession, either, so lets say violin.
3. Do you own a gun?
Fuck no. Guns sicken me. They were invented by cowards to be used by cowards. But, a bow and arrow would be sweet....and a much more honorable means of protection, IMO.
4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
I would tell him I'm sorry for trying to change him. In fact, I think that's what I'll do as soon as I finish this.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
If there is any bloodletting, yes. Oh yes.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Yuck. Veggie dogs are almost equally gross.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I like some Xmas music, but can't choose. Not a big fan.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water, tea, coffee.
9. Can you do push ups?
I can do about 25-30, girly style.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
Minus the shower curtain, yes.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My Om earring. Too bad I lost the other one.
12. Do you take painkillers?
Unfortunately.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't know, because I'm not trying to, but I always seem to anyway.
14. Do you have ADD?
No. I don't know if I really believe in ADD...
15. Still have a birthmark?
I have a bunch.
16. What are you doing tonight?
Hmmmm....I don't know! Laundry, hanging out, hopefully drinking some wine and starting a new book.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Poop, gotta apply for that job, hope I get said job. (I know, totally contradicts my last blog....but seriously, being a meter-reader would be sweet!)
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
A banana, Malai Kofta, snacks at movie theatre. FOOD!
19. Name 3 things you drink regularly:
water, tea, coffee
21. Who's your number 1?
Me. Duh.
22. Current worry:
Hmmm...wow, I worry too much. Haha, and that's my current worry.
23. Current happy thought:
That, despite my worries, I know things are going to start looking up soon.
24.Favorite place to be?
My parents backyard, in a tree, or Chicago. (I never have just one favorite.)
25. How did you bring in the New Year?
Shit....oh yeah! Trippin on shrooms, watching The Point.
26. Where would you like to go?
All over the fucking world. Mostly Japan, Ireland, and Arizona.
27. Why do you wanna go there?
Japan because...well, it's fucking Japan, Ireland because of it's beauty, Arizona to see my awesome aunt and the Grand Canyon again.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
Aqua v-neck tee.
29. What is your Favorite Starburst Flavor?
Pink. It's a flavor, damnit.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Green.
31. Would you be a pirate?
YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'd be a good-doer pirate, robbing the rich and giving to the poor!!
32. Are you a hater?
I hate stuff.
33. Do you sing in the shower?
Not as much anymore. I do most of my singing in the car.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Candyman. Ugh...
35. What's in your pockets right now?
Burts bees chapstick, 1 dollar and 36 cents.
36. What are you going to do after this?
Go apply for a job.
37. Who do you want to be with right now?
Nate, Amanda, and Jes.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Wow...I haven't had any bad injuries. And I was a reckless kid.
39. Best feeling in the world?
Love!!
40. Worst feeling in the world?
Knowing that I've hurt someone, or knowing someone is in pain and I can't help.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
Christina
42. Who is your quietest friend?
Nate
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Probably.
44 Do you wish on shooting stars?
No, but next time I see one I will.
45. What is your favorite food?
Peanut butter
46. What is your favorite candy
Chocolate
Anyway, I decided that it makes more sense to regard my birthday as New Year's, since it is for me, and therefore I have made 2 resolutions for my 24th year: 1, to be more honest with myself and others, and 2, to actually put effort towards the changes I want to see in my life. I realized Sunday night that in life, input = output, and that I haven't put nearly enough effort into the first side of the equation, yet I have expected the output to be great. Obviously this hasn't worked, and for some reason it never dawned on me until recently that to have great results, there has to be an equal amount of greatness in the effort put towards the result. (Ding!) As far as honesty goes, well...I haven't always been the most honest person when it comes to telling others how I really feel, and not only is that unfair to those around me but also to myself. I totally fuck myself over when i don't express my true feelings due to embarrassment or a fear of being disliked, or fear of hurting someone, but being dishonest is more hurtful to myself and others than speaking painful truths. And it's gotten me in some sticky and downright stupid situations. Fuck hiding the truth. I'm all about telling it how it is from now on. (I'd say this confession is a good start.)
And now, time for random useless (but honest!) information!
1. Where's your number one on your top 8?
Um....what?
2. What is your favorite possession?
I don't really hold much value in possessions, but I'd have to say either my violin or my dog. But I don't like to think of my dog as a possession, either, so lets say violin.
3. Do you own a gun?
Fuck no. Guns sicken me. They were invented by cowards to be used by cowards. But, a bow and arrow would be sweet....and a much more honorable means of protection, IMO.
4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
I would tell him I'm sorry for trying to change him. In fact, I think that's what I'll do as soon as I finish this.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
If there is any bloodletting, yes. Oh yes.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Yuck. Veggie dogs are almost equally gross.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I like some Xmas music, but can't choose. Not a big fan.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water, tea, coffee.
9. Can you do push ups?
I can do about 25-30, girly style.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
Minus the shower curtain, yes.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My Om earring. Too bad I lost the other one.
12. Do you take painkillers?
Unfortunately.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't know, because I'm not trying to, but I always seem to anyway.
14. Do you have ADD?
No. I don't know if I really believe in ADD...
15. Still have a birthmark?
I have a bunch.
16. What are you doing tonight?
Hmmmm....I don't know! Laundry, hanging out, hopefully drinking some wine and starting a new book.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Poop, gotta apply for that job, hope I get said job. (I know, totally contradicts my last blog....but seriously, being a meter-reader would be sweet!)
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
A banana, Malai Kofta, snacks at movie theatre. FOOD!
19. Name 3 things you drink regularly:
water, tea, coffee
21. Who's your number 1?
Me. Duh.
22. Current worry:
Hmmm...wow, I worry too much. Haha, and that's my current worry.
23. Current happy thought:
That, despite my worries, I know things are going to start looking up soon.
24.Favorite place to be?
My parents backyard, in a tree, or Chicago. (I never have just one favorite.)
25. How did you bring in the New Year?
Shit....oh yeah! Trippin on shrooms, watching The Point.
26. Where would you like to go?
All over the fucking world. Mostly Japan, Ireland, and Arizona.
27. Why do you wanna go there?
Japan because...well, it's fucking Japan, Ireland because of it's beauty, Arizona to see my awesome aunt and the Grand Canyon again.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
Aqua v-neck tee.
29. What is your Favorite Starburst Flavor?
Pink. It's a flavor, damnit.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Green.
31. Would you be a pirate?
YESSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'd be a good-doer pirate, robbing the rich and giving to the poor!!
32. Are you a hater?
I hate stuff.
33. Do you sing in the shower?
Not as much anymore. I do most of my singing in the car.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Candyman. Ugh...
35. What's in your pockets right now?
Burts bees chapstick, 1 dollar and 36 cents.
36. What are you going to do after this?
Go apply for a job.
37. Who do you want to be with right now?
Nate, Amanda, and Jes.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Wow...I haven't had any bad injuries. And I was a reckless kid.
39. Best feeling in the world?
Love!!
40. Worst feeling in the world?
Knowing that I've hurt someone, or knowing someone is in pain and I can't help.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
Christina
42. Who is your quietest friend?
Nate
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Probably.
44 Do you wish on shooting stars?
No, but next time I see one I will.
45. What is your favorite food?
Peanut butter
46. What is your favorite candy
Chocolate
So uh....today's my first official day off in about a month. I've spent it in bed and on the internet so far. (The in bed part being my fave.)
UPDATES
There was a big ol' flood in Findlay, the biggest in over 100 years. My parents' house is in the worst flood area in town, with a river that runs right through their backyard, and they got hit pretty bad. They had to be rescued from their house after the waters reached the basement ceiling, and didn't go home for two days. So we all thought the water just kept rising and that the house would be completely destroyed, that they'd have to move, etc. (Little side note....my parents are pretty poor. They make maybe 20g's a year, since my dad can never seem to hold down a job, and they have an old run down house with a huge mortgage and spend beyond their means. So the idea of moving is fuckin impossible.) Well, it turns out that the water began to subside just before reaching the first floor of the house. The basement was in pretty bad shape, with the furnace, water heater, freezer, and 23 years worth of junk destroyed. My mom is a crazy packrat, and they literally had piles upon piles of old junk and antiques that filled the entire basement, which is pretty large. AND guess who got to clean it all up!?!?! That's right, me. Along with my brother and boyfriend. All covered in nasty sewer sludge. I almost puked when we emptied out the freezer filled with EXPIRED meat that had been floating in the water. Anyway, my parents are ok, and the flood ended up being a blessing in disguise because their flood insurance (payed by my grandmother,) covered a bunch of shit that needed to be fixed that would have otherwise never been taken care of. Not to mention the fact that the basement is the cleanest it's been in over a decade! Natural disasters can be sweet like that.
Speaking of natural disasters, I got to ride my bike home through a TORNADO 2 weeks ago. It was pretty fucking awesome. I felt like such a survivor afterwards, haha.
Haven't heard anything from the crazy landlord or received a court notice, so I hope that's a good sign?
Quit my job. Well, Weds is my last day. The Bodies Exhibition itself is pretty cool, but the management is fucking retarded, and I just can't deal with retarded. I'm retarded enough by myself. So I'm on the lookout for a job, again.
You know what? I fucking hate working. I hate having to hold down a job. It is the most unnatural fucking thing in the world. I mean, isn't it why we all abhor working so much? We all inherently know that this isn't how we should be spending our lives, wasting our precious time in exchange for a little cash, all the while making some lazy douchebag fucking rich. I don't mind labor, in itself. I'm okay with the idea of working if it's for yourself and your family. But as much as I try, I just can't convince myself that being part of the modern day "workforce" is for my own security and well-being. I don't see any personal benefits from it; if anything, work is the one thing that stands in the way of my personal fulfillment and the ability to share my talents and joy with other people. The reason we work is not to make money for ourselves, it is not to make sure our families are happy and safe and fed. We could do all of that, (even moreso!,) if it weren't for that damn job taking us away from our homes and families 8 hours a day, and then leaving us with little energy for anything else. No, we work for the fucking man. We work to make sure that the powers that be stay in power and have fat pockets. It kills me to know that someone else is selfishly banking off my fucking time. And here comes the hard part: how can I get out of this? What can I do to escape this trap? I....have no answers. I want to work for myself, not someone else. But doing what? What can I do that is both personally, mentally, creatively, and financially rewarding? Is it even possible? I'm almost 24 years old, and I feel like I'm approaching a fork in the road. Do I just give in, ignore all of these thoughts and just waste my life like so many people, safe and robotic? Or do I throw caution to the wind and do something, ANYTHING, that gives me personal fulfillment but an uncertain future?
This is what has been occupying my thoughts lately. Does anyone else feel this way?
UPDATES
There was a big ol' flood in Findlay, the biggest in over 100 years. My parents' house is in the worst flood area in town, with a river that runs right through their backyard, and they got hit pretty bad. They had to be rescued from their house after the waters reached the basement ceiling, and didn't go home for two days. So we all thought the water just kept rising and that the house would be completely destroyed, that they'd have to move, etc. (Little side note....my parents are pretty poor. They make maybe 20g's a year, since my dad can never seem to hold down a job, and they have an old run down house with a huge mortgage and spend beyond their means. So the idea of moving is fuckin impossible.) Well, it turns out that the water began to subside just before reaching the first floor of the house. The basement was in pretty bad shape, with the furnace, water heater, freezer, and 23 years worth of junk destroyed. My mom is a crazy packrat, and they literally had piles upon piles of old junk and antiques that filled the entire basement, which is pretty large. AND guess who got to clean it all up!?!?! That's right, me. Along with my brother and boyfriend. All covered in nasty sewer sludge. I almost puked when we emptied out the freezer filled with EXPIRED meat that had been floating in the water. Anyway, my parents are ok, and the flood ended up being a blessing in disguise because their flood insurance (payed by my grandmother,) covered a bunch of shit that needed to be fixed that would have otherwise never been taken care of. Not to mention the fact that the basement is the cleanest it's been in over a decade! Natural disasters can be sweet like that.
Speaking of natural disasters, I got to ride my bike home through a TORNADO 2 weeks ago. It was pretty fucking awesome. I felt like such a survivor afterwards, haha.
Haven't heard anything from the crazy landlord or received a court notice, so I hope that's a good sign?
Quit my job. Well, Weds is my last day. The Bodies Exhibition itself is pretty cool, but the management is fucking retarded, and I just can't deal with retarded. I'm retarded enough by myself. So I'm on the lookout for a job, again.
You know what? I fucking hate working. I hate having to hold down a job. It is the most unnatural fucking thing in the world. I mean, isn't it why we all abhor working so much? We all inherently know that this isn't how we should be spending our lives, wasting our precious time in exchange for a little cash, all the while making some lazy douchebag fucking rich. I don't mind labor, in itself. I'm okay with the idea of working if it's for yourself and your family. But as much as I try, I just can't convince myself that being part of the modern day "workforce" is for my own security and well-being. I don't see any personal benefits from it; if anything, work is the one thing that stands in the way of my personal fulfillment and the ability to share my talents and joy with other people. The reason we work is not to make money for ourselves, it is not to make sure our families are happy and safe and fed. We could do all of that, (even moreso!,) if it weren't for that damn job taking us away from our homes and families 8 hours a day, and then leaving us with little energy for anything else. No, we work for the fucking man. We work to make sure that the powers that be stay in power and have fat pockets. It kills me to know that someone else is selfishly banking off my fucking time. And here comes the hard part: how can I get out of this? What can I do to escape this trap? I....have no answers. I want to work for myself, not someone else. But doing what? What can I do that is both personally, mentally, creatively, and financially rewarding? Is it even possible? I'm almost 24 years old, and I feel like I'm approaching a fork in the road. Do I just give in, ignore all of these thoughts and just waste my life like so many people, safe and robotic? Or do I throw caution to the wind and do something, ANYTHING, that gives me personal fulfillment but an uncertain future?
This is what has been occupying my thoughts lately. Does anyone else feel this way?
Soooooooooooo.........
I just erased this huge post explaining why this past month has sucked so much, but now...I really don't feel it's necessary to go into every little depressing and maddening detail when I've already gone over it a million times in my head. So I'll summarize:
1.Past landlord is trying to sue me for 6G's, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a chance because what he's doing is unlawful.
2.Bronchitis and roughly 28 days of insomnia. Nice combo.
3.Car was broken into; nothing stolen but passenger side door damaged enough that now anyone can go for a joy ride.
4.Doggy had a seizure.
She's ok but needs to see the vet, which mommy can't afford right now.
5.Tried asking dad about savings account opened years ago in my name by my grandfather to use for said vet visit; dad claims to have never known about such account. (BULLSHIT.) Dad is also known for being untrustworthy when it comes to finances.
6.Last but not least, car was towed from our OWN PARKING LOT because I didn't have parking tag on. I PARK THERE ALL THE TIME!!!!
Cost me all my tips and then some that I had JUST EARNED that morning at work.
But I kinda feel like the universe has had enough fun shitting on me, or at least I really hope so, cuz I could use a little sanity. I'm actually feeling alright about all of it, now that I've started to sleep a little here and there, haha.
I've decided that I'm definitely getting the words "This too shall pass" tattooed on my left thumb, in white ink. A subtle but constant reminder. At least my dad gave me that little bit of wisdom, cuz he hasn't given me much else. (Feeling a little bitter towards the old man.)
Enough internet, ya fuckin junkie. Time to go.
Peace and joy to you!
I just erased this huge post explaining why this past month has sucked so much, but now...I really don't feel it's necessary to go into every little depressing and maddening detail when I've already gone over it a million times in my head. So I'll summarize:
1.Past landlord is trying to sue me for 6G's, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a chance because what he's doing is unlawful.
2.Bronchitis and roughly 28 days of insomnia. Nice combo.
3.Car was broken into; nothing stolen but passenger side door damaged enough that now anyone can go for a joy ride.
4.Doggy had a seizure.
She's ok but needs to see the vet, which mommy can't afford right now.5.Tried asking dad about savings account opened years ago in my name by my grandfather to use for said vet visit; dad claims to have never known about such account. (BULLSHIT.) Dad is also known for being untrustworthy when it comes to finances.
6.Last but not least, car was towed from our OWN PARKING LOT because I didn't have parking tag on. I PARK THERE ALL THE TIME!!!!
Cost me all my tips and then some that I had JUST EARNED that morning at work.But I kinda feel like the universe has had enough fun shitting on me, or at least I really hope so, cuz I could use a little sanity. I'm actually feeling alright about all of it, now that I've started to sleep a little here and there, haha.
I've decided that I'm definitely getting the words "This too shall pass" tattooed on my left thumb, in white ink. A subtle but constant reminder. At least my dad gave me that little bit of wisdom, cuz he hasn't given me much else. (Feeling a little bitter towards the old man.)
Enough internet, ya fuckin junkie. Time to go.
Peace and joy to you!
YESSS!!!! Check it....Emily Simpson
Simpsonize me
HOwzit goin? Things could be better on my end.....ie my crazy old landlord from Milo could maybe NOT try to sue me because of my roomate breaking our lease and forcing me to move, (bunch of bs, if you want details ask me cuz I don't feel like writing about it...) but it also could be worse, ie I could lose my tastebuds or something. I have legs! I always remind myself of that in times like these. Life would suck without me legs.
So Nate and I went on an awesome vacation to NY. FINALLY saw RATM at Rock the Bells, along with Wutang, Public Enemy, Danger Doom, and Cypress Hill. (Name droppin, ya'll.) Rage was everything I had ever hoped they would be, I almost fuckin cried. The energy exchange between Rage and the crowd was one of the most awesome feelings I have ever experienced.
We also got to stay with my sis and bro-in-law, which is always a pleasure. Then we went to visit our friend Matt who's doing an internship in the Adirondacks region of NY state, and it was sooooooo fucking beautiful where he's at. I climbed a mountain! (Albeit a small one, and not without a great amount of wheezing and sweat.) Matt, being a cocky bastard, raced straight up the mountain like it was nothin and then lamented, "Try doing that times 30, five times a week," when we arrived at the top 10 min. later. (Whatevs.) And on the last day and a half of our trip, we went to see my beloved Jes in Ithaca, where we ate delicious whole-wheat pancakes with figs at a cozy cafe before swimming naked in a ravine. It was fucking awesome.
Soooo...I tried to attach some pics, but I always seem to fuck it up somehow and I ended up just posting the same pics over and over. If you want to see some vacay pics, I'll put them in a new folder.
That's all for today, folks.
Simpsonize me
HOwzit goin? Things could be better on my end.....ie my crazy old landlord from Milo could maybe NOT try to sue me because of my roomate breaking our lease and forcing me to move, (bunch of bs, if you want details ask me cuz I don't feel like writing about it...) but it also could be worse, ie I could lose my tastebuds or something. I have legs! I always remind myself of that in times like these. Life would suck without me legs.
So Nate and I went on an awesome vacation to NY. FINALLY saw RATM at Rock the Bells, along with Wutang, Public Enemy, Danger Doom, and Cypress Hill. (Name droppin, ya'll.) Rage was everything I had ever hoped they would be, I almost fuckin cried. The energy exchange between Rage and the crowd was one of the most awesome feelings I have ever experienced.
We also got to stay with my sis and bro-in-law, which is always a pleasure. Then we went to visit our friend Matt who's doing an internship in the Adirondacks region of NY state, and it was sooooooo fucking beautiful where he's at. I climbed a mountain! (Albeit a small one, and not without a great amount of wheezing and sweat.) Matt, being a cocky bastard, raced straight up the mountain like it was nothin and then lamented, "Try doing that times 30, five times a week," when we arrived at the top 10 min. later. (Whatevs.) And on the last day and a half of our trip, we went to see my beloved Jes in Ithaca, where we ate delicious whole-wheat pancakes with figs at a cozy cafe before swimming naked in a ravine. It was fucking awesome.
Soooo...I tried to attach some pics, but I always seem to fuck it up somehow and I ended up just posting the same pics over and over. If you want to see some vacay pics, I'll put them in a new folder.
That's all for today, folks.
