Is peace so truly intangible that I can never hold on to it for long? I don't know. I'm told I am my own worst enemy. I know I've hurt myself far worse than anyone else ever could. Why can't I just be happy? Or, better put, why am I only happy when I'm by myself? And I mean truly happy. I've been told before that I am incapable of love. I want to believe that's not true... but all evidence points in the opposite direction of my wishes. I try not to see ppl as mere toys or chess pieces, I really do. But not all of us are wired the same way. How is it that I can do cruel, cold-hearted things and not lose a wink of sleep over it? I try and warn ppl that I'm selfish, but they never seem to listen. All they see is a warm smile and altruistic gestures. Either that, or they just want to sleep w/ me. These are the simple truths of my life. And life really isn't that bad. Well, for me anyway. How are you doing today? 
You know, this is hard to admit, but I'm thinking about seeing a therapist. Why something like that is hard for me to admit, I'm not sure. I mean, I work in a clinical environment. I treat ppl of all ages, shapes, and sizes. I know that even the biggest of guys needs help in one shape or form, from time to time. But it still embarrasses me. It even makes me feel a bit shameful. I know the benefits of seeing and speaking to a professional. I just find it so hard to say it out loud. To actually ask for help. 
I've been in Tacoma for only a few days now, but I love it! It's so beautiful. Haven't interacted w/ the local population yet, but I doubt they're anything like ppl from So Cal, and that's a plus in my eyes! I suppose this really is a good assignment to be at and I will make the most of it. I'm not gong to lie, it still troubles me, being here, when I think of the ex. After all, me choosing this assignment was solely so that her and I would be together and finally get married. I thought I was in love... a part of me still thinks I am. I thought she was in love too, but her getting married only 4 months after us breaking up seems to tell me otherwise. Oh well... such is life. Time to pick up the pieces and rebuild. And I will rebuild. I have so much work to do before the time comes to decide if I want to stay in or not and if I choose not to, then I want to make certain that I'm more than prepared for civilian life. No matter what though... life is beautiful because I decide how I'm going to live it!
