wierd weekend. ended up hanging out with ex girlfriends both fri and sat nights. interesting also because i've had the odd nights of passion or lost weekends with both of them since relationships long ago. in fact, the last time that i saw either of them ended up as more than a casual visit. so now of course i'm thinking of all my regrets and bad decisions and insecurities about who was right for me when and if my head got in the way of my happiness.
the girl that i saw tonight was my first, and we've connected many times in the past 10 years. both as friends and as other. and it's never been just sex, i really have always adored her, but it still has never really worked with us relationship-wise. now i probably sound wierd, but as always there are many other factors involved (like her dating another ex of mine- yes my life at times has resembled chasing amy, except i went to meow mix with an ex and got so drunk i puked. not pretty)
but i digress- i guess i'm having trouble figuring out if i really want to be with this girl now that she's moving back and it could work (if she's single) or if loneliness and the desire to have a relationship has me thinking about someone that i'm really comfortable with.

the moral of the story is that i'm confused. confused and sick of waking up in a big bed that's only half full. at this point not having sex is one thing, and i can deal with that. i just want some passion and some warmth in my life. oh well. someday perhaps....

i was a poli sci major for a couple years, but i believe bukowski summed it up best a long time ago- "when you are given a choice between nixon and humphrey it's like being given a choice between eating warm shit or cold shit." now, mind you i kinda like kerry and i absolutely hate bush, but it's all such ingrained political crap that the idea of actual change seems so completely remote. it's the middle vs. the middle kinda over on one side a little bit. the ideas are amazing, and the speaches are great and it's so empowering to think that this guy will save us from the hole our leaders have been digging for, well, since the adams administration (either one) left office. i'll vote kerry, but i'm not really excited about it. i guess i like my shit cold.

everybody get your metric allen wrenches ready--- IKEA opens in the morning. people are there already in tents waiting for their swedish moderne furniture. particleboard rules!


i wonder how long it will be till i can go.

so yesterday a friend told me that store in the mall had all these cool pinup girl accessories- clocks and lamps and shit- on sale cause they were renovating or something. so today i went to the mall, the hideous thing that it is, (not a big fan of the general public) and the damn store was closed for renovations. and of course i walked around forever like an idiot because i couldn't find the store to begin with. son of a bitch. anyway- ted leo tonight at bar- should be a great show.

(edited post show) the hipsters were out in full force tonight. ted leo show was amazing. great openers in (part of) the butterflies of love and tigers and monkeys. really good. yeah for sunday night shows. tommorrow is really gonna suck.

well i guess it's officially my birthday. yeah. which one is the sarcastic smilie? stopped by flux out of sheer curiosity. haven't been since it was thursdays- not regularly since it was fridays and downstairs. does anyone go? will anyone read this? i digress. anyway- didn't know anyone, but the dj played some killer shit. i love to watch the gothy girls dance to the bowie/ t.rex rock block. love it. if anyone was there- that was me in the corner wearing glasses not talking to anyone. oh well.

i'm so absurdly full. my brother took me out for a "i have to work all night on your birthday" dinner. wings and beers and sandwiches. so good. so now i to sit here, fat, as 26 looms. damn.

i was helping a friend clean out his grandmother's house and found a 1946 copy of Orwell's Animal Farm. looks like the first edition from 1945 is worth about five grand and this one is going for about five bucks. i still think it's kinda cool to have a vintage copy of such a great book. i'll have to reread it now.

well- here i am. not so sure about this whole journal thing. i'm kinda new to all this, but why not. had another boring evening. decided to stop at a bar for last call as i was driving around bored and sober. it was kinda funny standing there alone watching all the mayhem while impared by sobriety. it was fairly awkward, i must say. i'm not quite sure why i'm so shy. i just have trouble striking up a conversation with someone purely out of proximity. i guess i'll just have to get over it. thats's why this scene intrests me. i wish people at the bars had little profiles pinned on their shirts, then if you found someone attractive you could check out their bio and see if you had anything in common. then again, i guess thats why people dress a certain way when they go out, myself included. i just get intimidaded by the cool kids. somehow feel i'm not worthy. wow- i don't know if late night honesty is a great way to introduce myself here, but so be it. at least tommorrow is sunday morning. lounging is good.