So I've been feeling kinda shitty and worthless lately mostly courtesy of my brain being an evil little shit

so in response to this I've been trying to think of my accomplishments and what I've contributed to the world.

Now it's not a big list, and in fact I can only think of one thing that is a positive impact, and that's related to a past job. I helped development of generic versions of drugs, meaning I helped get cheaper versions of drugs get on the market, meaning I have possibly helped more people get hold of drugs they need to survive than would otherwise not be able to afford them, at least that's what I hope.

So there it is, my greatest achievement is not being an instigator, not being anything particularly amazing or special, but being something thats helpful, If I hadn't been there all these things would still have happened with someone else in my place but at least this way I played a part.

So today has been a day where I feel almost maniacally happy, beginning to wonder about my mental health, mood seems to be flipflopping more and more these days.

Realising more and more who to trust and who not to at work, I fucking hate workplace politics and this place seems to be the worst for them, lots of people trying to play them on a large scale when it's a tiny company, screams of lunacy to me.

Can't stop listening to music that I listened to at school dunno why I feel so nostalgic lately, I'd say better days but I hated my time at school, mostly...

Feeling shitty again

doesn't help that it's snowed again, fed up of the miserable weather.

Job hunt is still going terrible, and 2 major chemical/pharmaceutical sites in the North West closing means the job market is about to be saturated

anyone got any suggestions for getting out of a rut?

Well isn't life wonderful

after a nice lovely weekend (see last blog) 2 days in work has managed to wreck all the good it did

Asshat manager asked if I had a good weekend then proceeded to give me the shittiest tasks he could

ended up working for nearly 10 hours today, what thanks did I get "have you caught something off Ad, you're walking around muttering to yourself" of course I'm fucking muttering to myself I've been working my ass off for nearly 10 hours without a break and nobody has lifted a finger or even fucking bothered to ask if I need help, despite me fucking asking for it

to add to that I've become everybody's whining post again

Kinda just wanna curl up and forget the world for a while, can I please?

I had an awesome weekend in Nottingham, helped me out of a slump.

Lots of fun drinking silly cocktails (zombies are lethal), gaming and talking crap and making sexual innuendos at cooking programmes.

We also participated in a food challenge...


24 ounces of burger, 4 slices of bacon, 4 onion rings, salad, ciabatta bun, cheese and chips



25 minutes to finish all that and we...

Also caught up on giving and receiving Christmas presents



and bought some new comics


think this long weekend has been really helpful to drag me out of my funk a bit, but still dreading going back to work tomorrow

Don't really want to go into work tomorrow. the "manager" is back in control and I've instantly gone from developing methods to aiding a level below me weigh powders into vials for an excipient compatibility study. I fucking hate the way this guy shits on me cos I don't bend over for him and actually stand up to him

I need out of this job, need to find something better

Ahhh hello again insomnia, my dearest enemy. It started up again on Saturday night, think the most entertaining part is people at work questioning how I can operate on no sleep, truth is I don't even know I just get on with it

the other downside to this is it starts me questioning why things have happened in my life and I start over-analysing everything and then it just becomes this one big mess :S

I should probably use the time more proactively like picking up the guitar or reading the pile of books that I keep meaning to get through

ah well

Far too much work this week, and the managers expecting work done unrealistically, left me rather drained here

I did have a "date" earlier this week, seemed to go well but no real attraction from my part, ah well

I did break the 60K bench press for me this week though, managed to bench 62.5K gotta be happy about the little things

still not a lot of science jobs out there, but I'm going to keep looking

Is there an opt out option for the human race?

I don't mean this in a woe is me suicidal kinda way, I'm just finding myself more and more disgusted with people, some I know and some I'm simply judging from afar for the way they behave.

The latest fun fact is that my ex (not the last one, the one before that) has now apparently been telling people I hit her. now admittedly she stupidly mentioned this to my former boss, who knows exactly how I feel about men who hit women, and has had to stop me from going round to a guys house before now who obviously laughed in her face, but still why would you make that shit up about people?

GAHHHH, can I please please be an alien or a manatee, I bet they don't have to deal with this shit

Got a text from my sister today.

Apparently my niece would like a cousin, preferably a girl cousin. And apparently if I'm not married by the age of 30 my niece is going to have words with me.

things like this make me feel like utter shit

think I'm going to go sleep see if all this shit goes away