1700944
so i'm now on day four of not smoking and still nobody is dead. i did get close to the edge with a woman today but i resisted - for the record i was probably going to violate her with a chainsaw and then do the happy dance. but i resisted!
unfortunately, thanks to the distinct lack of sweet sweet nicotine, i am hungry all the time so my diet has really turned into an uphill struggle. actually, it's more like i'm headed downhill on a skateboard towards a big pile of cream cakes with my jaw wired open.
anyway, one of the choir of voices in my head today asked me how my love life was. since my love life is currently empty as a merchants soul i told this particular voice to fuck off (i'm witty like that). it countered by saying that i could have some sort of love life if i wasn't such a coward.
which brings me neatly to todays topic - why i'm terrible with the opposite sex. actually, that should just be the name of the whole blog.
see, when a man goes out on the pull he knows in the very core of his being that he'd be quite happy if he had sex that night. now, when a woman goes out she knows if she is going to have sex that night - because it's the woman that makes that decision.
if a man buys a woman a drink it means that he wants to have sex with her. if she accepts the drink it means that she was thirsty. see what i mean? how are we meant to decypher such an uncrackable code? despite whatever calls for equality women have made over the years they still hold all the cards when it comes to making the beast with two backs.
if a woman (literally any woman) was to go up to any guy that wasn't gay or married (maybe even some of the married ones) and say "let's get out of here and make wild monkey love" then you can practically guarantee that they'd be doing it. but i do it and i get a cigarette stubbed out on my arm (ten years and the scar is still there!) and told to go fuck myself.
this...
so i'm now on day four of not smoking and still nobody is dead. i did get close to the edge with a woman today but i resisted - for the record i was probably going to violate her with a chainsaw and then do the happy dance. but i resisted!
unfortunately, thanks to the distinct lack of sweet sweet nicotine, i am hungry all the time so my diet has really turned into an uphill struggle. actually, it's more like i'm headed downhill on a skateboard towards a big pile of cream cakes with my jaw wired open.
anyway, one of the choir of voices in my head today asked me how my love life was. since my love life is currently empty as a merchants soul i told this particular voice to fuck off (i'm witty like that). it countered by saying that i could have some sort of love life if i wasn't such a coward.
which brings me neatly to todays topic - why i'm terrible with the opposite sex. actually, that should just be the name of the whole blog.
see, when a man goes out on the pull he knows in the very core of his being that he'd be quite happy if he had sex that night. now, when a woman goes out she knows if she is going to have sex that night - because it's the woman that makes that decision.
if a man buys a woman a drink it means that he wants to have sex with her. if she accepts the drink it means that she was thirsty. see what i mean? how are we meant to decypher such an uncrackable code? despite whatever calls for equality women have made over the years they still hold all the cards when it comes to making the beast with two backs.
if a woman (literally any woman) was to go up to any guy that wasn't gay or married (maybe even some of the married ones) and say "let's get out of here and make wild monkey love" then you can practically guarantee that they'd be doing it. but i do it and i get a cigarette stubbed out on my arm (ten years and the scar is still there!) and told to go fuck myself.
this is why i'm a coward - every time i've tried to chat someone up it's gone horribly wrong somehow. my only serious relationships are from me being flirted with and flirting back (all without my knowledge, i'll have you know) and it somehow working. while on my global deployment i never really needed to talk to the girls (as they didn't really speak english) - all i had to do was mention my british passport and i was in like flynn.
i guess i'm just worried that they're gonna say no. or that they might say yes and ask me to dance while i'm still sober - not a pretty sight. to be honest, my main worry is that i'll have a one night stand and try to make more out of it than is actually there. i'm nearly thirty - my days of sewing wild oats should be behind me as i look to settle down in the future and raise my 2.4 children in the heart of the suburban jungle. christ, i even forced myself not to have feelings for someone based on the belief that it wouldn't work.
so, what do i do? do i continue to avoid the fairer sex as i don't want to simply hit it and quit it or do i finally man the fuck up and and try to fuck-start my destiny? as always, advice will be accepted, read and probably ignored.
unfortunately, thanks to the distinct lack of sweet sweet nicotine, i am hungry all the time so my diet has really turned into an uphill struggle. actually, it's more like i'm headed downhill on a skateboard towards a big pile of cream cakes with my jaw wired open.
anyway, one of the choir of voices in my head today asked me how my love life was. since my love life is currently empty as a merchants soul i told this particular voice to fuck off (i'm witty like that). it countered by saying that i could have some sort of love life if i wasn't such a coward.
which brings me neatly to todays topic - why i'm terrible with the opposite sex. actually, that should just be the name of the whole blog.
see, when a man goes out on the pull he knows in the very core of his being that he'd be quite happy if he had sex that night. now, when a woman goes out she knows if she is going to have sex that night - because it's the woman that makes that decision.
if a man buys a woman a drink it means that he wants to have sex with her. if she accepts the drink it means that she was thirsty. see what i mean? how are we meant to decypher such an uncrackable code? despite whatever calls for equality women have made over the years they still hold all the cards when it comes to making the beast with two backs.
if a woman (literally any woman) was to go up to any guy that wasn't gay or married (maybe even some of the married ones) and say "let's get out of here and make wild monkey love" then you can practically guarantee that they'd be doing it. but i do it and i get a cigarette stubbed out on my arm (ten years and the scar is still there!) and told to go fuck myself.
this...