i hate looking for a place to live, i hate moving, i hate finding a job, i hate working a bullshit meaningless job for a bullshit wage for a bullshit dumbfuck asshole. i hate feeling like i have no control over my own life and as though i have so very few options. i hate being made to feel like an asshole for taking time to do things for myself, to do things that i love and have meaning for me. i hate feeling like my mind is not my own, like it's working against me. i hate that i'm supposed to tread softly while others make me feel like shit. i'm not supposed to have double standards but i am supposed to kowtow to others and their double standards. i hate living without a modicum of privacy. i hate being turned into a whiny little bitch.
right now, this moment, i'm into naked chicks, beer, tequila, writing, and Mastodon videos.
fuck off.

boom!

october is usually my month. invigorating, exciting, & morbid fun. i'm not feelin' it this year. i think that really sucks.

getting dark, i should really be heading home. been at work an extra hour just to check on my digital world. more people from my past finding me anew. girls i had crushes on at one point or another. i'd like to see them, after all these years, but i think it'd be pretty weird. you can't go back. it never could be the same. you can never step into the same river twice. not that i wouldn't like to try. of course, none of them live anywhere near me now. it would be nice to have a few more chicky friends around when i need a woman to turn to for advice, that isn't Mom, Sis, or Lovey. sometimes i like to kick it with the girls. i guess i feel more at home surrounded by lovely ladies.... so, yeah. i'm goin' home. have a kick-ass weekend, kids.

i am not liking this whole "no time for SG" thing. not one bit. gotta get my connection back.

four days off housesitting for friends 20 minutes out of the city. big back yard, unobstructed view. just what the dr. ordered.

so, it looks like that connection was not as reliable as it seemed. so i need new equipment. hopefully i can afford that very soon. until then, there is work, friends, and piracy!!


job interview seems to have lead to no call-back for the second interview. first was with the assistant manager, and the second was to be with the GM. the am barely conducted an interview. had a clipboard with what looked like a bunch of interview questions. he didn't reference it. he clicked his marker repeatedly but wrote nothing down. he only asked me a couple of questions and didn't even have copies of my resume or my application. it seemed like a brushoff. so what was the point of giving me an interview? i look just like the other people working there, have over 2 years experience at the position, and am over-qualified. i called this morning and couldn't get a manger on the phone. i left a message, but i'm not feeling positive vibes, here. suck. it was my first interview since the one that got me this job, over a year and a half ago. i need more money. most of all, i need a better place to work. for every thing i like about where i work there is two reasons to hate it. it is driving me nuts and rooting the depression in deep.*sigh*

back to putting my face to the grindstone.

raining like liquid hell right now. all day, actually. the dog kept going in and out until i finally put on a slicker and wellies, grabbed an umbrella, and went out there with him. i don't know what it was all for, but he's stopped asking to go out. works for me. *i spoke too soon*

also: i have a job interview on thursday! hoorah for me!! wish me luck, i'll need it.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you; Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want; Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep. -Rumi

wrote a nice little poem, myself, today. maybe i'll post it sometime.


sweets to the sweet

adderall should help with that, right?