Maybe this was a weird request, I don't know, Ryan has been sleeping elsewhere for a week now. He's going to be moving all his stuff today. I asked him if he would sleep just one more night at the apartment with me. Never expected sex, and I didn't ask for it. It wasn't what I wanted. All I wanted was for him to sleep next to me one more time.
And he did, he granted my request. He let me snuggle him a little bit this morning before he left. There was one of two ways it could have gone. I could have broken down and begged him to come back again, but I didn't, and when I woke up this morning, I was genuinely happy he was there, even though I knew it was the last time.
But here's the puzzling thing- Maybe I heard him wrong. He came to give me a hug of his own free will, and I swear I heard I heard him say "Love you" when he did. I didn't ask, lest he take it back, but I really think that might be what he said. Or I am hallucinating and it was what I wanted to hear. But I don't think I was. I think he really told me, after all these weeks that he loved me.
But if that is the case, what do I do now? I think the right answer to that is simply "Nothing" I do nothing at all, and let him do what he wants, and what he needs to do to find himself again. If he slipped and meant it, then I don't need to do anything. Things will work themselves out on their own. I doubt it was merely habit- those words haven't come out of his mouth in over a month. Of course I still love him too. I will never stop loving him, the way I never stopped loving the other men I have loved.
But by god Ryan, if you still love me, that's all I need to know, and I'll wait as long I need to.
And he did, he granted my request. He let me snuggle him a little bit this morning before he left. There was one of two ways it could have gone. I could have broken down and begged him to come back again, but I didn't, and when I woke up this morning, I was genuinely happy he was there, even though I knew it was the last time.
But here's the puzzling thing- Maybe I heard him wrong. He came to give me a hug of his own free will, and I swear I heard I heard him say "Love you" when he did. I didn't ask, lest he take it back, but I really think that might be what he said. Or I am hallucinating and it was what I wanted to hear. But I don't think I was. I think he really told me, after all these weeks that he loved me.
But if that is the case, what do I do now? I think the right answer to that is simply "Nothing" I do nothing at all, and let him do what he wants, and what he needs to do to find himself again. If he slipped and meant it, then I don't need to do anything. Things will work themselves out on their own. I doubt it was merely habit- those words haven't come out of his mouth in over a month. Of course I still love him too. I will never stop loving him, the way I never stopped loving the other men I have loved.
But by god Ryan, if you still love me, that's all I need to know, and I'll wait as long I need to.
Roommate situation may be figured out. That is aside from the fact that I am basically going to have to bike out to Howe and Hurley from midtown to sign paper work. Augh, it's gonna be a looooooong ride. I'm in good shape now, but that's still pretty far. And I have to bike to work Tuesday too.
I can't wait to get my car back. Speaking of very long trips, I'm not looking forward to having to drive all the way back from Arizona. Do I want to go out riding tonight? I kinda want to go out. Considering the Press Club again, or maybe the wine bar. Again. Probably the wine bar. I need to relax. What stressful week this is going to be, getting the new roomie in, getting the ex-boyfriend out, getting the apartment all put back together, plus thanksgiving at my friend Brian's house... working Black friday too. Yeah, it's gonna be a long week.
I can't wait to get my car back. Speaking of very long trips, I'm not looking forward to having to drive all the way back from Arizona. Do I want to go out riding tonight? I kinda want to go out. Considering the Press Club again, or maybe the wine bar. Again. Probably the wine bar. I need to relax. What stressful week this is going to be, getting the new roomie in, getting the ex-boyfriend out, getting the apartment all put back together, plus thanksgiving at my friend Brian's house... working Black friday too. Yeah, it's gonna be a long week.
I had a painful talk with Ryan this morning. Painful but necessary. I feel like some progress has been made. We had been living together for about a month after we had broken up before he told me he wanted to move out. He told me he felt that he was torturing me by staying here. Yesterday was the worst torture of my life. I have never experienced such emotional pain in my life before. I knew he was extremely important to me, but I had never realized how import, or how much strength he gave me. I told him these things, and also revisited the worry that he had expressed that all the positive things I had begun doing for myself would stop if he left. And I said that yes, that the probably would. That I wouldn't have the ability to continue with them if I felt they had no purpose. Of course I know they have a purpose; I just wouldn't be able to emotional deal with that at this point. And then I asked the hardest question I have ever asked in my life; I know he needs time to figure a lot of things out. Basically it was this: I can function, I can continue to change, I want to give him all the time he needs, and I can wait for him to figure things out if only I know that he is considering us trying again. At this point he let me know he felt that I was backing him into a corner. Of course this was not my intention at all, and I told him this as well; I am not looking for you to answer me right now. In fact I understand that you cannot. I am only asking that you consider it. We both watched our parent's marriage turn bad. And I believe that our problems are not beyond the ability to work out. I was never asking for him to stay. I know he can't. But I can let go graceful, if I know he'll at least consider it.
And I think he is considering it, because he didn't say he wouldn't. It's not much, but it's more hope then I had yesterday. A tiny ray of hope is all I needed. Some tiny sign that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I love this man more then I ever thought I was capable of, and certainly more then I can possibly put into words. And now I shall sign off on that slightly positive note. Sometimes just a tiny bit of hope is all that is needed.
And I think he is considering it, because he didn't say he wouldn't. It's not much, but it's more hope then I had yesterday. A tiny ray of hope is all I needed. Some tiny sign that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. I love this man more then I ever thought I was capable of, and certainly more then I can possibly put into words. And now I shall sign off on that slightly positive note. Sometimes just a tiny bit of hope is all that is needed.
So, after a long hiatus, I have returned. I am single again, and not sure what to do with myself anymore, so it seemed time to rejoin and start over, and make friends again.
So many things have happened since I've been away. I fell more deeply in love then I ever though possible only to have it torn away from me. I've had two cars stolen and one bike. I've given up moving to New York, and inherited money. Gained 30 pounds, and lost it all again. Life is a weird weird thing.
I look forward to getting reconnected with everyone I haven't talked to in so long.
So many things have happened since I've been away. I fell more deeply in love then I ever though possible only to have it torn away from me. I've had two cars stolen and one bike. I've given up moving to New York, and inherited money. Gained 30 pounds, and lost it all again. Life is a weird weird thing.
I look forward to getting reconnected with everyone I haven't talked to in so long.
Okay, so my account is apparently not going to expire. Theories as to why are many and varied. I guess I'll just have to see how long it lasts....
Please don't touch me, I've come to far to let you bring me down
He's thinks that I'm easy but try as you might you can't have me now
These tedious dances we run through but I've memorized them now
I quietly melt down and consent to you if only just to bawl
As I stare through you and I stand quite still
And a alarm sounds just up the road
I can tell you'd like some company but I can't fix you and you don't want me
I call for the witness, present the facts right down to the little things
They say the heart is resilient, in black and white you swore there'd be no strings
I sneak out the back door, but the gavel strikes
And I can hear you cry, and the sound of my footsteps
This time they will be no long goodbye
As I stare through you and I stand quite still
And a alarm sounds just up the road
I can tell you'd like some sympathy but I can't fix you and you don't want me
How can I trust you? How could you need me now?
Its getting to be so cold,
The decision is in that I won't break
you cant even run with our lives at stake
well, someone must get hurt and it won't be me
The decision is in there will be no fight
It might sound cold but I know its right
Cause someone must get hurt and it won't be me
Sayonara, bejin-tachi.
He's thinks that I'm easy but try as you might you can't have me now
These tedious dances we run through but I've memorized them now
I quietly melt down and consent to you if only just to bawl
As I stare through you and I stand quite still
And a alarm sounds just up the road
I can tell you'd like some company but I can't fix you and you don't want me
I call for the witness, present the facts right down to the little things
They say the heart is resilient, in black and white you swore there'd be no strings
I sneak out the back door, but the gavel strikes
And I can hear you cry, and the sound of my footsteps
This time they will be no long goodbye
As I stare through you and I stand quite still
And a alarm sounds just up the road
I can tell you'd like some sympathy but I can't fix you and you don't want me
How can I trust you? How could you need me now?
Its getting to be so cold,
The decision is in that I won't break
you cant even run with our lives at stake
well, someone must get hurt and it won't be me
The decision is in there will be no fight
It might sound cold but I know its right
Cause someone must get hurt and it won't be me
Sayonara, bejin-tachi.
Many of you may not know this, and some of you may not care, but both Moirae and I will be leaving the site soon, for reasons which shall remain unspecified. Those of you whom I am close to have my number and know where to find me should they desire.
Referencing my previous post, I went to the Smashbox counter in Nordstrom yesterday after Micheal, our Smashbox representative, swept through the store specifically to tell me there was an opening for counter manager... I enquired with the counter manager who was leaving (and why she was leaving) and she gave me much helpful information- she also isn't leaving Smashbox, because she loves the company- she's just doing freelance now instead of counter work.
On a side note, Davis Factor, owner of Smashbox Photo Studios, has the same camera that Moirae just aquired. This bodes well.
Hopefully, I'm on the fast track to a higher paying, truly full time cosmetics job. And the training! OMG. If hired, I'll get to go to Smashbox Photo Studios to be trained! This is the most exciting part so far. Things are looking up, I feel.
♥
Referencing my previous post, I went to the Smashbox counter in Nordstrom yesterday after Micheal, our Smashbox representative, swept through the store specifically to tell me there was an opening for counter manager... I enquired with the counter manager who was leaving (and why she was leaving) and she gave me much helpful information- she also isn't leaving Smashbox, because she loves the company- she's just doing freelance now instead of counter work.
On a side note, Davis Factor, owner of Smashbox Photo Studios, has the same camera that Moirae just aquired. This bodes well.
Hopefully, I'm on the fast track to a higher paying, truly full time cosmetics job. And the training! OMG. If hired, I'll get to go to Smashbox Photo Studios to be trained! This is the most exciting part so far. Things are looking up, I feel.
♥
I've been a lazy fuck about updating. This is mostly because I feel like I don't have anything much to say- I haven't really been doing much outside of being sick, and working.
Actually this is not true. Ryan and I had great weekend- Friday we had our last lunch with my mother before she moved to Arizona on Sunday. We went out with our friends Roy and Nichole, and had a great time at the bar, although both Ryan and I consumed a bit too much... Saturday was his birthday and there was a picnic/barbeque in the park, which would have been lovely except Ryan was the only one who knew how to barbeque. Kicked a ball around in the field and actually got something of a sunburn. Later that evening we went to his mom's for dinner- I adrore his mom and her boyfriend, but I'm a little iffy on his brother and his girlfriend. Regardless, still had a great time. Sunday was breakfast, winetasting, and finally dinner with his dad and step-mom whom I also adore. Addtionally, we now have more pots and pans then we have any way to store.
As for work, many of you are aware that I took on a second job because I was tired of being broke all the time. Now my managers are battling with eachother to see who can get me most- and then my manager at my second job goes and takes me off the schedule random days without telling me until I've already arrived at work! This is going to stop. I am putting in my two weeks notice this week.
As for Sephora- I'm tired. I don't dislike my job, but I dislike knowing for a fact that people hired after me make more money then I do. I dislike knowing there is no room in the company for somone like me to advance. I also dislike knowing that when I have other projects for which I need time off, that I cannot get that time off. I've had to turn down the past two operas for that reason. Therefore when I was surreptitiously informed that Smashbox was looking for people I was pretty excited. I'll being applying for Smashbox through Nordstrom in the next few days. Hopefully, I'll have a brand new job soon, and a fresh outlook on life. I love change, and thrive on it, and I've been in an unchanging position too long with Sephora.
Actually this is not true. Ryan and I had great weekend- Friday we had our last lunch with my mother before she moved to Arizona on Sunday. We went out with our friends Roy and Nichole, and had a great time at the bar, although both Ryan and I consumed a bit too much... Saturday was his birthday and there was a picnic/barbeque in the park, which would have been lovely except Ryan was the only one who knew how to barbeque. Kicked a ball around in the field and actually got something of a sunburn. Later that evening we went to his mom's for dinner- I adrore his mom and her boyfriend, but I'm a little iffy on his brother and his girlfriend. Regardless, still had a great time. Sunday was breakfast, winetasting, and finally dinner with his dad and step-mom whom I also adore. Addtionally, we now have more pots and pans then we have any way to store.
As for work, many of you are aware that I took on a second job because I was tired of being broke all the time. Now my managers are battling with eachother to see who can get me most- and then my manager at my second job goes and takes me off the schedule random days without telling me until I've already arrived at work! This is going to stop. I am putting in my two weeks notice this week.
As for Sephora- I'm tired. I don't dislike my job, but I dislike knowing for a fact that people hired after me make more money then I do. I dislike knowing there is no room in the company for somone like me to advance. I also dislike knowing that when I have other projects for which I need time off, that I cannot get that time off. I've had to turn down the past two operas for that reason. Therefore when I was surreptitiously informed that Smashbox was looking for people I was pretty excited. I'll being applying for Smashbox through Nordstrom in the next few days. Hopefully, I'll have a brand new job soon, and a fresh outlook on life. I love change, and thrive on it, and I've been in an unchanging position too long with Sephora.
So, I am not making this entry because I have anything new and exciting to report. I do not have a spectacularly interesting life, contrary to popular opinion. I am updating because the situation is so absurd, there is nothing else I can possibly do. There is a story here, so I'll start at the beginning. A great deal of it is TMI, and as such:
Told you it was TMI
