So things are looking up in many ways, but at the same time, I feel like I'm slipping already. In September I quit drinking and taking all substances for months and I felt so good in spite of having been abandoned by the one person I always thought I could depend on. I felt free and independent and I also felt healthy. I had lost so much weight and I felt so good about myself.
Lately I've been drinking a lot more again- I'm still being good about not drinking at home, and not drinking by myself, but I've been going out and partying too much, and I haven't been to the gym in a week and my brain chemistry is suffering. Last week was stressful because of the job interviews and my current job was going through some changes which have since balanced out again. Now is the time to recommit to my health, to cut back on my drinking again. I going to stay sober for at least a couple weeks, and then slowly return to one to two nights of social drinking a week. The eating out needs to stop. I haven't gained any weight back, but I haven't lost any weight either. If I lay off the booze again it should break my plateau and then I'll feel like I'm on track once again.
I don't think I'm going to get the job I interviewed for and that's fine because I don't think I'm ready yet to make such a huge change when I'm still settling in the changes I've already made. I'm trying to build good healthy habits for the first time in my life and once those are more stabilized I'll be in a better position to make further changes. When I stop changing and growing I stop being alive, and that was the biggest problem towards the end of my marriage- I had stopped changing and growing. I had stagnated, and I absolutely cannot let that happen again.
Also, I have met a truly awesome man. I *think* things are going well, and I must be careful to keep my previous issues managed so that I continue to the be person I want to be, healthy and well balanced. There is just something about this guy- while all the feelings of chemical physical attraction are there, there is something else- a calm peace of mind that I refuse to try to put a name to. I intend to leave things undefined and simply let them be as they are. Of course there is hope there, but this time that hope has taken on a different meaning- more so that I can perhaps enjoy someone without clinging to any hope of real permanence, because in the past that is where my mistakes start being made. I just want to enjoy it for all the things it is and may be without worrying about what it is not.
Now, on that note, I am going to the gym. Goddammit.
Lately I've been drinking a lot more again- I'm still being good about not drinking at home, and not drinking by myself, but I've been going out and partying too much, and I haven't been to the gym in a week and my brain chemistry is suffering. Last week was stressful because of the job interviews and my current job was going through some changes which have since balanced out again. Now is the time to recommit to my health, to cut back on my drinking again. I going to stay sober for at least a couple weeks, and then slowly return to one to two nights of social drinking a week. The eating out needs to stop. I haven't gained any weight back, but I haven't lost any weight either. If I lay off the booze again it should break my plateau and then I'll feel like I'm on track once again.
I don't think I'm going to get the job I interviewed for and that's fine because I don't think I'm ready yet to make such a huge change when I'm still settling in the changes I've already made. I'm trying to build good healthy habits for the first time in my life and once those are more stabilized I'll be in a better position to make further changes. When I stop changing and growing I stop being alive, and that was the biggest problem towards the end of my marriage- I had stopped changing and growing. I had stagnated, and I absolutely cannot let that happen again.
Also, I have met a truly awesome man. I *think* things are going well, and I must be careful to keep my previous issues managed so that I continue to the be person I want to be, healthy and well balanced. There is just something about this guy- while all the feelings of chemical physical attraction are there, there is something else- a calm peace of mind that I refuse to try to put a name to. I intend to leave things undefined and simply let them be as they are. Of course there is hope there, but this time that hope has taken on a different meaning- more so that I can perhaps enjoy someone without clinging to any hope of real permanence, because in the past that is where my mistakes start being made. I just want to enjoy it for all the things it is and may be without worrying about what it is not.
Now, on that note, I am going to the gym. Goddammit.
things are looking up lately. A lot. There are some difficult moments in regards to my ex-husband, but over all... it was really for the best.
Oh yeah: 132 pounds. I rock.
Oh yeah: 132 pounds. I rock.
Today: 148 pounds.
Ran and lifted yesterday, only did some core work today as I think I'm coming down with something- that or the suddenly cold air has really irritated my sinuses.
I really need to start eating properly again, and I do try to force myself to eat. I just can't eat every much, and if I do eat too much (as in: I can feel more than a few bites in my stomach) I start to feel sick. I know I will never reach my fitness goals if I don't start eating, and I'm going to start to lose muscle which is exactly what I don't want. Although I take tons of supplements, and I make sure I have a protein shake every day, my body is starting to feel depleted, which is probably why I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sick.
I'm going through a huge transitional period in my life, as my husband and I separated a little over a week ago. He says he needs to "find what he needs to be doing in life" and wants a divorce. I won't let him rush me into this decision- something like this decided too quickly could ruin a lot of things. The thing I miss most right now is human touch. I am trying so hard to be strong right now, when all I want to do is break. There is so much that is good in my life right now, and I have to hang on to those things when I feel the way I do now. The reality is that I love him more than anything, but he's a sad broken shadow of the man I married, and I don't want him as he is now anyway.
Right now I am focused on my career and my health, and really learning to be the best I can be. For those of you who have been through this, how long did it take for you to be happy just being alone?
Ran and lifted yesterday, only did some core work today as I think I'm coming down with something- that or the suddenly cold air has really irritated my sinuses.
I really need to start eating properly again, and I do try to force myself to eat. I just can't eat every much, and if I do eat too much (as in: I can feel more than a few bites in my stomach) I start to feel sick. I know I will never reach my fitness goals if I don't start eating, and I'm going to start to lose muscle which is exactly what I don't want. Although I take tons of supplements, and I make sure I have a protein shake every day, my body is starting to feel depleted, which is probably why I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sick.
I'm going through a huge transitional period in my life, as my husband and I separated a little over a week ago. He says he needs to "find what he needs to be doing in life" and wants a divorce. I won't let him rush me into this decision- something like this decided too quickly could ruin a lot of things. The thing I miss most right now is human touch. I am trying so hard to be strong right now, when all I want to do is break. There is so much that is good in my life right now, and I have to hang on to those things when I feel the way I do now. The reality is that I love him more than anything, but he's a sad broken shadow of the man I married, and I don't want him as he is now anyway.
Right now I am focused on my career and my health, and really learning to be the best I can be. For those of you who have been through this, how long did it take for you to be happy just being alone?
July: 175 pounds, size 14
Today : 151 pounds, size 8
Realistic short term goal: 135 pounds, size 4. Time frame: maybe 2 months?
Unrealistic long term goal: To be able to see my abs and biceps. Time frame: 6 months to a year?
Hell if I know, I've never seen the damn things before and don't know what it takes or how tiny I'll have to be for that to happen.
I worked out really hard today. I'll take a day of rest tomorrow, and just do some yoga in the morning.
Today : 151 pounds, size 8
Realistic short term goal: 135 pounds, size 4. Time frame: maybe 2 months?
Unrealistic long term goal: To be able to see my abs and biceps. Time frame: 6 months to a year?
Hell if I know, I've never seen the damn things before and don't know what it takes or how tiny I'll have to be for that to happen.
I worked out really hard today. I'll take a day of rest tomorrow, and just do some yoga in the morning.
It's probably long past time I posted a new blog. Unfortunately I am still struggling like hell to get out of this strange limbo I've gotten myself into. Basically my problem is even though I'm running up that hill, I need a demon on my heels to make some progress.
I still don't have a job, but at least I have an apprenticeship of sorts. I'm hoping my teacher hires me when she feels I've completed my training.
I'm actually a bit heavier now then when I posted that previous blog six months ago. I was 10 pounds lighter, about 163. I maxed out this time at 174. I began working out again, and have lost 3 to 4 pounds in about 10 days. This is a little faster than I'm supposed to, but otherwise I'm pretty close to being on track. I once read:
There is no failure, only results. And: If you do what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had. I need to do something different. It's just that simple. I'm a Gemini. I get bored easily. Luckily, I'm starting to feel healthy enough to get back on my fixed gear and hit the Iron Horse Trails again. There are very few things I love more than flying down a bike trail. I miss Sacramento and it's network of miles and miles of bike trails that never cross a road. The last time I lost weight it was when I had the convenience of the Sacramento bike trails, and it's when I stopped having the ability to feel safe riding my fixed gear (Here in Oakland, not too much after my husband I moved here, I saw a cyclist get hit by a car) that I gained everything back. I can make myself run on a treadmill, walk around Lake Merritt, lift weights, use the stationary bike, even the elliptical; I can make myself do it, but I hate it and it's boring. Charging around on my bike on an empty bike trail on a beautiful mild spring day is nearly as good as MDMA. At my best, I was 132 pounds and a size 4, and my legs were solid muscle. I had nearly limitless energy. It's the vague memory of this time, even though that was less than 2 years ago now, that drives me now.
This time, I just know that something good is going to happen. Keep running up that hill, Nick.
I still don't have a job, but at least I have an apprenticeship of sorts. I'm hoping my teacher hires me when she feels I've completed my training.
I'm actually a bit heavier now then when I posted that previous blog six months ago. I was 10 pounds lighter, about 163. I maxed out this time at 174. I began working out again, and have lost 3 to 4 pounds in about 10 days. This is a little faster than I'm supposed to, but otherwise I'm pretty close to being on track. I once read:
There is no failure, only results. And: If you do what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had. I need to do something different. It's just that simple. I'm a Gemini. I get bored easily. Luckily, I'm starting to feel healthy enough to get back on my fixed gear and hit the Iron Horse Trails again. There are very few things I love more than flying down a bike trail. I miss Sacramento and it's network of miles and miles of bike trails that never cross a road. The last time I lost weight it was when I had the convenience of the Sacramento bike trails, and it's when I stopped having the ability to feel safe riding my fixed gear (Here in Oakland, not too much after my husband I moved here, I saw a cyclist get hit by a car) that I gained everything back. I can make myself run on a treadmill, walk around Lake Merritt, lift weights, use the stationary bike, even the elliptical; I can make myself do it, but I hate it and it's boring. Charging around on my bike on an empty bike trail on a beautiful mild spring day is nearly as good as MDMA. At my best, I was 132 pounds and a size 4, and my legs were solid muscle. I had nearly limitless energy. It's the vague memory of this time, even though that was less than 2 years ago now, that drives me now.
This time, I just know that something good is going to happen. Keep running up that hill, Nick.
*deep breath*
I'm going to lose 30 pounds. I weighed myself today and came in at 162.7 pounds. I need to do it by the second week of May. This is going to require a lot of commitment for me, because I need to drop it fast, but I want to do it the healthy way by eating fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean proteins, and eating more frequent smaller meal with lots of little snacks. Just today I tried the eating all the time thing with the stuff listed above; I worked out for an hour today as well.
I'm going to lose 30 pounds. I weighed myself today and came in at 162.7 pounds. I need to do it by the second week of May. This is going to require a lot of commitment for me, because I need to drop it fast, but I want to do it the healthy way by eating fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean proteins, and eating more frequent smaller meal with lots of little snacks. Just today I tried the eating all the time thing with the stuff listed above; I worked out for an hour today as well.
And I felt like I was starving. STARVING!!!
And I'm going to do it tomorrow. And the next day. I'm going to keep doing some variation every day until I meet my goal. And then I'm going to keep doing it to stay at that goal.
Oh yes; I have a cheat period. Starting at Friday night sundown to Saturday midnight. This when I'm allowed to have... dun dun DUN.... BEER!
So I busted my foot last week. I've spent 7 days as a complete invalid, and I think it's paid off and my foot is much better. However if you listen to Nurse Butch, RN (my next door neighbor) I should not even be getting out of bed, period, ala bed pan + sponge baths. It's NOT broken, I'm 95% positive. No I didn't have it xrayed. I hate doctors. Of course it's now occured to me that I probably could have gotten a RX for vicoden or norco or something out of it. Meh. Probably too late now.
And in other much more positive news, next appointment for my sleeve is Saturday January 16th, when Miss Alycia will be doing a guest spot in San Jose at Marks of Art! Horray! Then, I think I have a third appointment in March. Maybe I will manage to get this done in a year, who knows?
Hi guys. I'm still here, though I really wasn't for a while. My head was up my ass for a while, and understandably so. School is all done, I've passed state board, and I'm a licensed esthetician now. I'm going to start looking for work in January, hopefully to be employed by April.
I seriously need to start getting to the gym. During school, I packed on about 10 pounds, and then once school was over, I got a nasty cold that had me laid up for three weeks, yielding another 5 pounds. My appetite has decreased a lot since I passed my exams, and I seem to be sleeping a lot less, and having more energy. In fact, once my ibuprofen kicks in, I think I'm going to go down to the gym.
Which brings me to something else- I've started on my sleeve. And I've finished my chest piece. Add those to the two shoulder blade pieces I also got this year, and whoa, that's kind of a lot of tattoos in one year. I've spent about 24 hours under the needle this year, and this dwarfs the minuscule 5 hours total between three pieces I had done in the 5 years previous.
I imagine I'll be doing another 20+ hours for this sleeve, maybe more. The artist who is doing this piece for me is the esteemed Alycia Harr, who currently resides in Leonardi Tattoo, up in Carmichael, CA. She's booked up for ever, so she has been kind enough to sneak me in when she gets cancellations. Knowing I have the money, and nothing much better to do right now till I start working, and can show up with as little as three hours notice, has put me near the top of her "People to call when other people cancel" list.
The design is simple: The Spanish galleon on my forearm is being guided home by the lighthouse on my shoulder, whilst being plagued by stormy, choppy seas, and the tentacles of a sea monster. I'm absolutely in love with it already, even though the pain of the line work is still very fresh in my mind. I'll admit to being a wimp and having the help of Valium, and Oxycotin, although not nearly enough. My good friend, and usual DD for appointments has a perscription for Norco, which I may be able to bribe out of him. He usual trades it for weed, because he finds that works much better on his knee pain than the Norco. I'd give him enough for the bottle that he could get the same amount he does than if he just traded the bottle straight across.
I'm also trying out a new healing technique, and so far, it has seemed to greatly reduce peeling, and speed healing quite a bit. An outline took 3 weeks to heal on me before; it's hard to tell because it's only been 36 hours since I had the outline done, but at this time, it shows no sign of peeling at all, with the exception of the crease on the inside of my elbow.
One of the things I learned in esthetics school was about the barrier function of the skin, and its role in protecting and healing the skin. This barrier function is made possible by your skin's acid mantle, which is made up of sebum and sweat. Clearly a tattoo is a sort of deliberate abrasion, damaging the barrier function. Since sebum is a huge part of the barrier function, it would make sense to find an oil as close in composition to human sebum as possible; in this case that would be Jojoba oil. Then cover this with an occlusive product to prevent evaporation such as Aquaphor. So basically wash it gently in the shower with unscented soap, mist with Bactine (for first week only) give it a good coat of Jojoba oil, let it sit and absorb for about 10 minutes, then cover with a thin coat of Aquaphor. The first time I used this technique I found my tattoo healed about 1/3 faster than previously. Blah, that's quite enough about that.
So Christmas, eh? I've got a Prime Rib roast for Christmas dinner, and Fillet Mignon for New Year's eve. Yum!
I seriously need to start getting to the gym. During school, I packed on about 10 pounds, and then once school was over, I got a nasty cold that had me laid up for three weeks, yielding another 5 pounds. My appetite has decreased a lot since I passed my exams, and I seem to be sleeping a lot less, and having more energy. In fact, once my ibuprofen kicks in, I think I'm going to go down to the gym.
Which brings me to something else- I've started on my sleeve. And I've finished my chest piece. Add those to the two shoulder blade pieces I also got this year, and whoa, that's kind of a lot of tattoos in one year. I've spent about 24 hours under the needle this year, and this dwarfs the minuscule 5 hours total between three pieces I had done in the 5 years previous.
I imagine I'll be doing another 20+ hours for this sleeve, maybe more. The artist who is doing this piece for me is the esteemed Alycia Harr, who currently resides in Leonardi Tattoo, up in Carmichael, CA. She's booked up for ever, so she has been kind enough to sneak me in when she gets cancellations. Knowing I have the money, and nothing much better to do right now till I start working, and can show up with as little as three hours notice, has put me near the top of her "People to call when other people cancel" list.
The design is simple: The Spanish galleon on my forearm is being guided home by the lighthouse on my shoulder, whilst being plagued by stormy, choppy seas, and the tentacles of a sea monster. I'm absolutely in love with it already, even though the pain of the line work is still very fresh in my mind. I'll admit to being a wimp and having the help of Valium, and Oxycotin, although not nearly enough. My good friend, and usual DD for appointments has a perscription for Norco, which I may be able to bribe out of him. He usual trades it for weed, because he finds that works much better on his knee pain than the Norco. I'd give him enough for the bottle that he could get the same amount he does than if he just traded the bottle straight across.
I'm also trying out a new healing technique, and so far, it has seemed to greatly reduce peeling, and speed healing quite a bit. An outline took 3 weeks to heal on me before; it's hard to tell because it's only been 36 hours since I had the outline done, but at this time, it shows no sign of peeling at all, with the exception of the crease on the inside of my elbow.
One of the things I learned in esthetics school was about the barrier function of the skin, and its role in protecting and healing the skin. This barrier function is made possible by your skin's acid mantle, which is made up of sebum and sweat. Clearly a tattoo is a sort of deliberate abrasion, damaging the barrier function. Since sebum is a huge part of the barrier function, it would make sense to find an oil as close in composition to human sebum as possible; in this case that would be Jojoba oil. Then cover this with an occlusive product to prevent evaporation such as Aquaphor. So basically wash it gently in the shower with unscented soap, mist with Bactine (for first week only) give it a good coat of Jojoba oil, let it sit and absorb for about 10 minutes, then cover with a thin coat of Aquaphor. The first time I used this technique I found my tattoo healed about 1/3 faster than previously. Blah, that's quite enough about that.
So Christmas, eh? I've got a Prime Rib roast for Christmas dinner, and Fillet Mignon for New Year's eve. Yum!
So far school has eaten anything that I had approximating close to a life. Hopefully I'll get used to the homework/course load quickly. As for right now, I must start laundry or else I'll have nothing to wear to school tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get a workout in, some dinner, and then yet more homework awaits me.
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive. Sort of.
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive. Sort of.
Being married is interesting.
So my husband and I have decided that we are going to start working out. I was in awesome shape when we first met because I was biking all the time, going dancing, and honestly not really eating much to speak of.
To be honest, I've put on some "happy relationship" weight. For a bit there I was cooking fantastic meals all the time, and when I was tired of cooking we went out to eat. Sadly, I went a bit over budget on Prom weekend, and then paid for the wedding as well, so most of the money I pulled from my stocks to live on while I am in school, is kinda... gone. Husband has a project that should make him four grand fairly quickly, and that will replenish our money market account. But in the meantime, no eating out.
My brother gave us a George Foreman Grill for our wedding present (AND a $25 Target gift card. We got a total of $100 in Target gift cards. Enough to buy the dishes I'd had my eye on!) so I've been having good luck cooking on that thing. It's brainlessly easy. Been heavily structuring both of our meals, vitamin and fluids consumption. We're starting on working out, slowly; I'm in better shape than he is still, and he's needing to learn how to work out properly in the first place. I was trying really hard not to get obsessive compulsive on him, but now he's asked me to, so it's ON.
My friend also moved to Oakland, and he's been my clubbing buddy for years. Back to the dance clubs. We'll be hitting Popscene tonight. Getting out of the house is good for me. I love my husband, and we just can't seem to get anything done separately when we're both home. So either he needs to leave, or I need to leave. He's got music and various other important projects that he sort of can't do anywhere else, so that means I need to go out! I look forward to starting school so that I can make some new friends as well. I need to get all my school stuff sorted asap. I'm way behind the 8-ball on it.
I'm totally rambling. I'll stop for now.
So my husband and I have decided that we are going to start working out. I was in awesome shape when we first met because I was biking all the time, going dancing, and honestly not really eating much to speak of.
To be honest, I've put on some "happy relationship" weight. For a bit there I was cooking fantastic meals all the time, and when I was tired of cooking we went out to eat. Sadly, I went a bit over budget on Prom weekend, and then paid for the wedding as well, so most of the money I pulled from my stocks to live on while I am in school, is kinda... gone. Husband has a project that should make him four grand fairly quickly, and that will replenish our money market account. But in the meantime, no eating out.
My brother gave us a George Foreman Grill for our wedding present (AND a $25 Target gift card. We got a total of $100 in Target gift cards. Enough to buy the dishes I'd had my eye on!) so I've been having good luck cooking on that thing. It's brainlessly easy. Been heavily structuring both of our meals, vitamin and fluids consumption. We're starting on working out, slowly; I'm in better shape than he is still, and he's needing to learn how to work out properly in the first place. I was trying really hard not to get obsessive compulsive on him, but now he's asked me to, so it's ON.
My friend also moved to Oakland, and he's been my clubbing buddy for years. Back to the dance clubs. We'll be hitting Popscene tonight. Getting out of the house is good for me. I love my husband, and we just can't seem to get anything done separately when we're both home. So either he needs to leave, or I need to leave. He's got music and various other important projects that he sort of can't do anywhere else, so that means I need to go out! I look forward to starting school so that I can make some new friends as well. I need to get all my school stuff sorted asap. I'm way behind the 8-ball on it.
I'm totally rambling. I'll stop for now.
