i should be happy today. the healing of my injury has come to its end[thank dog!] but i am not. i was discharged from workman's comps therapy/doctor. no pain to my attention, maybe just some weird feelings but i feel i am good to go. and im hurting money wise, i know thats a road some people do in time of injuries but i am not putting myself in that category. just need to get back in the swing of things. though i will mention, the therapy wasnt quite up to what i do at work. they did the necessary for the muscle which i can feel total progress. so i am concerned of lifting mutliple packages at various weight and speed. as i said, i should be happy. ill be able to catch up on the things that need to get paid and whatnot, it is december. however, i think the stress has only begun. i have extreme hatred for my job and its idiot slaves. it is cause of them that this is now injury number 3 in my 7 years of busting my ass for them. i am a free spirit and speak my mind when needed but my temper can be my downfall. so as i think now, when i go there tonight, theyre going to shit themselves because i am unrestricted which they gain a sorter back. not to toot my own horn[everyone is replaceable] but i have been a sorter for 61/2 of my 7 years and im quite confident in my work and knowledge of it. but i fucking hate it. if they think im gonna go right back where i left, i think not. i am going to take my sweet fucking time. i dont need to go backwards. dealing with groin is a tender spot. and it definitely was a awkward/embarassing injury to deal with. and of course i did not want anything to happen to the "boys". and the fear of hernia, that would of meant surgery. anyway, there is some relief that i do not have to go therapy 3 times a week anymore. in this time, i believe it was a month and a week i dealt with this, my neuralgia definitely flared due to the aggravation of being injured. funny, cause i see that doctor also this week. i hate fucking doctors in general. sorry if i run off course, just in need of a rant. tonight should be one hell of a night to go back. since the holiday, they had 2 days of no service, thats means they have to catch up. not looking forward to it at all....
moving forward to the main source of my rant. it is peak time for any shipping business. more hours, more work, more bullshit. i really thought i would of been out of there by this peak season. and i can already see they are not giving my area the proper staff. so i will be on guard, for they will be trying to bang out as much as possible in such little time. my downfalls.. lack of motivation. i can talk myself into and out of things but my actions, well eh.. talk the talk but the walk not so much. and i hate it. i stride on being an individual. i get easily frustrated when someone mentions a job to me, i dont want to be like the rest of the neighborhood[mainly filled with electricians/carpenters, it seems thats the way out in this hood filled with addicts and drunks, it is a love, hate situation]. i regret not going to college. i know i can still go but do not want to use my employer to pay the half. i believe im here for better things. i hate the thought of living, doing something you dont want to or hate. "settling" because you have to survive. like as it mentioned to me countless times[i believe they hope i goto this level], to my cut hair and beard. this all might seem childish but i just dont get it why its a big deal in the world. i struggle with this and its probably why i havent gotten anywhere. we all have dreams, i dont want to give up on them, "settling". but i will be honest, it is hard majority of the time to do what i want because of the fear. in recent times i have realized how much i hoold back on myself. i never used to think twice. there are alot of negative sources around me that i believe that constantly haunt me. i am trying to just do.. do, do do. it is all about self satisfaction, right? in a way. [dont want to sound selfish cause i am far from it], youre the one that has to say, well today was an accomplishment. i dont have much positive forces, i think since i realize my problems, the hardest part is BEING the postive force. i always say "drop me off in Europe and im not coming back", that line just sounds so good to me. resembling a "get a way", a new everything. but back to reality. i need a way out of this hole of a job. i dont even care about taking a pay cut. i want to be happy. there is nothing new, nothing exicting to work there. i have to stop being afraid. since i am discharged, i need to get back into my normal routine. going to the gym, that i dearly missed, doing my vocal practices. and for real, i need to do. i apologized for a long rant, my life just isnt what i want it to be and im sick of feeling this way. well my head is starting to get empty, i guess i ranted it all out.. trying to think of some kind of high point to end this.. as always music is my life.. today i was drawn to this album by Death, "Human"