IPOD
RADIO
My light has been put out and its been this way for awhile now. Not to be on a total downer, I just don't understand what my problem is. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, a roof over my head, 2 of the best kids in the world..yet I am still miserable. The source of this misery - my body. Why? Why is my body image so bad? I use to be 60lbs lighter and still dream and think about this every day, almost every waking moment. I'm not lying. It consumes my thoughts. I use to think that "i am stuck inside this fat body", and now the scarier thing is that i am actually feeling like this "fat body" has consumed me and has become me. I cry as I write this because I know the answers. I know that I must diet and exercise to get in shape, but I am frozen. I have no motivation. I have given up. So instead I cry and I hate it because I don't usually give up easily. I know that I am a great person, a great friend, a great mom. But viewing myself as a sexual being repulses me. What I see in the mirror repulses me. I can see other curvy, larger women and think they are beautiful, but me...all i see is rolls and dimples and I want to throw up. My life has become "if I lose weight I will be happy". Why is my self worth all rolled into what is on the outside? I have no idea.
MAY 06, 2008 05:19 PM
Oh man, it really sucks to read this journal when it hits so close to home. I feel similar in that I was once abt 40-50 pounds lighter (wasnt really that long ago!) and now I feel so different in so many ways. I used to model for a living, and now I cant stand having my photo taken, cant work at any of the bars I worked at (Im sure they wouldnt want me back now!) and its sadly effected my confidence and strength. The good thing is .. is makes me angry. And when Im angry, nothing makes me feel better than beating the living shit out of a heavy weight bag. Im dead serious, u should try it!! Not only is it great stress relief, but its great excersize. The more angry u are abt it, the more often you'll want to beat up your bag, and it doesnt even feel like work. I cant excersize in a "normal" way ... like you, Im not really all that motivated to do so. I have to find ways to "trick" myself into excersize. If its FUN, then it doesnt feel like work! For me, playing games are fun (like baseball, basketball, laser tag, etc) walking super fast or light jogging on a treadmill while watching my favorite movies or tv shows is fun, working out with friends is more fun because u have someone there with you to not only motivate u but to keep your mind off the shitty parts, rollerskaing rocks, and dancing is hella FUN and great for keeping in shape, I reccomend all of these .. or at least finding something that u find fun instead of work. Because if it feels like work .. u just wont stick to it! I think you want it bad enough, so you'll likely find whatever it is that works for you. If you're *still* having issues finding things that motivate u, then I strongly suggest placing the "motivation" part on someone else .. like a friend or family member, and just ask THEM to motivate you. If theyre the right kind of person, they can help u fairly easily. 
Much luck to you, I know this story all to well and the pain that accompanies it.
MAY 07, 2008 02:37 PM
*warm hug*
Keep reminding yourself of all the wonderful things about you. Re-read your own blogs. Write down each awesome thing about yourself and tape them up around your place!!! Seriously! Make it a creative time, sit down and get into the thing you like, make it a drawing or poem, what ever you feel at the moment. All the taped up paper will be in your face reminding you that you are great!
Next, watch "what the bleep do we know", Very thought provoking and entertaining movie on metaphysics.
And, make sure you have healthy friends and family around. You need love and positive vibes.
Then, write down the things you need to do to be healthy. Not things you think would make you happy but healthy!!! Do you need to exercise? Eat less junk food? Meditate and relax more? Speed more time with your kids? Those kinds of things. Pick ONE thing each week and work on it. As you get use to doing healthier things for yourself, it will get easier and you will be able to do more healthier things at one time. The result is a happy and healier you! 
This is only a suggestion. Im just trying to help. Im here as a SG friend if you want it 
