"It is the stillest words which bring the storm. Thoughts that come with doves' footsteps guide the world."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"Some day soon, perhaps in forty years, there will be no one alive who has eve known me. That's when I will be truly dead - when I exist in no one's memory. I thought a lot about how someone very old is the last living individual to have known some person or cluster of people. When that person dies, the whole cluster dies,too, vanishes from the living memory. I wonder who that person will be for me. Whose death will make me truly dead?"
— Irvin D. Yalom (Love's Executioner: & Other Tales of Psychotherapy)
— Irvin D. Yalom (Love's Executioner: & Other Tales of Psychotherapy)
All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber
Lovers Lake
I closed the box and put it in my pocket before she could see what I was doing. “It was three years from today” I said to her. "Huh?" Adeline asked "We first met three years from today, don't you remember?"
She placed her hand on my face and looked into my eyes before she kissed me softly. "Of coarse I remember” she whispered. My heart began to throb at an alarming pace. I grabbed her hand and placed it on my chest.
"You see what you do to me!?" I said.
"That's why I like you as much as I do, you're like putty in my hands!" she replied.
You better watch yourself Addy, I’ll turn you into putty with my hands." She giggled and then walked outside.
I never was very good at the verbal foreplay, I thought to myself.
"You better hurry up!" Addy yelled from downstairs, "I'm getting impatient here!"
"Give me just a few more minutes I'll be down soon as I can."
"You're worse than a woman, Bobby." She muttered “What!” I said “Oh nothing!” I heard her say, followed by her giggles and the door shutting.
I sat there trying to collect myself. I haven't been this nervous since the day I met Addy. It was on the lake in the park next to my house. It was one of the coldest winters in a long time. It was so cold that year, my glasses would frost over almost instantly. It took a couple minutes for them defrost, but by then my attention was on the stinging winds tearing at my face. The cold was almost unbearable. It was Christmas Eve. I was spending it alone. I’ve spent the last few Christmas’ alone since my parents passed away.On top of that it was my turn to work the graveyard shift at the hospital. I wasn’t going to make it to work tonight though. I had other plans I needed to take care of.
“What a miserable year its been” I thought to myself. I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. I got all of my things straightened out. I sent out my thank you cards and a letter to my sister in Missouri. All I have to do now is go get my car and pull it into the garage and I’ll be done.
I stepped outside into the cold winter air and began to walk towards my car. On the walk to the car my eye caught sight of Addy. At first, it seemed as if she was moving in slow motion, sliding on the ice of the lake like some sort of angel playing around carelessly. The wind and her hair were dancing together, beautifully choreographed with accents of sparkling snow. She slowly turned and her eyes connected with mine, I stood there, like a young boy at his first school dance, paralyzed by fear. She smiled and waved at me. I almost lost control of my legs. I wanted to fall to the ground. She was so beautiful. The warmth of her smile took the breath out of my lungs.
Then, as if I was possessed by a ghost or pushed by a guardian angel I moved towards her. An amazing warmth came over me. When I came close to her, I was overwhelmed with the sweet scent of her perfume. I started to open my mouth but before I could speak she lost footing and began to fall. I attempted to catch her. Unfortunately I began to fall as well. Though, I broke her landing with my mine. She showed me her appreciation by saying, "I never had a guy fall for me that hard before!"
She laughed a bit and looked me in the eyes playfully, her light blue eyes stopped time. I could spend eternity in this moment I thought to myself. I snapped out of it, wondering how much time had actually just passed. I regained balance and helped her up.
"Let me make you some hot coco for being such a gentlemen." She asked.
" I would love to" I replied. "Wait. No, I'm sorry, I really must be going I've got somethings to take care of.”
“What could be so important that you couldn’t spare an extra fifteen minutes to spend with a lonely girl like me?”
Silence. I didn't know what to say. She reached out her hand. “C’mon.” She said playfully, “it wont take that long I promise.”
What was supposed to be fifteen minutes ended up turning into a sleep over and breakfast! From that point on it was the perfect love story. She had pulled me out of the abyss. Thanks to her my life was saved. It was as if God himself had brought us together! I couldn't be a luckier man. We were meant for each other.
As the days went by we grew closer and closer. Everyday I was with her was like a completely new day, it was as if we were meeting for the first time over and over again. We cared dearly for one another and when I was with her I was a better person, I was a better person because of her. I can’t remember ever being so happy. Not even as a child. This was the most amazing experience I have ever had. When my parents passed away she was there for me. She never once asked for anything in return. Except, “When are you going to put a ring on this finger?”
Today I was going to finally give her what she wanted.
“Come on!” She yelled up. I snapped out of my daze, grabbed my scarf and continued outside. Today was a much warmer day than it was in previous years. It was so beautiful outside. The sun just barely behind the clouds let golden rays shoot out from infinite directions. It was as if one of those rays came down upon the two of us today. She took my hand, “Are you ready!?” she asked. “More than you’ll ever know.” I responded. I took her in close to me and hugged, her arms wrapped around me. She kissed me on the neck, just below my ear. She whispered “I love you, Robert” and kissed me again. The passage of time became distorted again, I had just spent an eternity gazing into her eyes. “Follow me” I said. “Ok, where are we going?” Addy replied. “We’re going to where we first met.” I took her hand and pulled her along. We walked out onto the frozen lake. When we reached the center I took her hand one last time. I knelt down in the cold wet ice. The clouds opened up and a ray of sunlight shined down upon us like a spotlight for the heavens to see the harmony of pure beauty and true love.
“Addy, you’ve pulled me from the abyss in which I once lived. You’ve brought more warmth to me than the sun brings to the earth. In these past three years I’ve never been more happy. I have grown so much from being with you. You’ve given me what others read about. I have what they dream of and wish for. A simple touch of your hand healed my soul. Adeline, without you I am nothing. Will you please be my wife?” Her eyes were glazed over, tears were running down her face, her hands were trembling. She squeezed my hand tightly. The sun still shining down upon us with anxious fury. The universe awaited her answer. “Yes!” She said, “Of course I will Bobby! Of course I will, nothing would make me happier than to be your wife!” I placed the ring on her finger. “It’s beautiful.” she said softly. “I know, it took me three years to find one that deserved to be on your finger.” I said She laughed and then jumped onto me, squeezing me, kissing me. Sweet euphoria, I thought to myself. The coldness of the ice underneath my feet began to catch up to me. “Let’s go back and warm up” I said.
“Carry me please?” She asked in a sweet voice.
“Anything for you my love.” I said. She sighed adoringly and squeezed me tighter.
I began to walk back but before I could take my second step my foot had slipped from underneath me, “CRACK!” I slammed to the ice. We stared into one another’s face with surprised looks, both remembering the first time we had met. She kissed me and said “I’m still taken by how easily I can make you fall for me!” We both started laughing until we heard another loud “CRACK” The ice beneath us must have been too thin for our fall. We could hear the ice begin to crack at a faster pace. The freezing water began to rise upon us. “Bobby what’s happening?” Addy cried. “The ice” I said, “the ice is cracking!” I tried to get up but my hand just broke through into the lake, we both were in water before we knew it. We couldn’t help but gasp, we were both choking on water and the freezing water took over. I tried my best to keep Addy above so she could breath. There was nothing I could do it was pointless. We began to uncontrollably shiver, we tried to swim out but the ice just continually fell in and kept breaking. We couldn’t manage to get any kind of grip we looked at each other. Addy was crying, I swam closer to her, I pulled her towards me, It’s going to be alright I said as calmly as I could, with shivering pauses. We held onto each other tightly. I began to lose the feeling in my arms and legs. Numbness began setting in.We began to sink, I looked at Addy one more time before we faded away. We were under water now and I could see her lips moving, “I love you” they said. Everything seemed to slow down.
It was at this moment that I noticed she looked the same as when I first met her, slowly her hair danced and the water sparkled with the wavering radiance of the sun light coming through. As we held each other for the last time I realized that she had truly saved me. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have known what happiness was, I wouldn’t know what it would be to connect with someone on such a deep and meaningful level or to truly feel love for someone.
I planned to take my life the evening I met her. I was in a lonely place with nothing, noone but feelings of emptiness and despair. She distracted me and I never returned to that place. Now as we slowly lose all the feeling in our bodies one remains and that one feeling is the warmth of the love that we share. I truly came into this world when I met her, I lived for the three years we were together. Now I will share eternity with her.
As we continue to sink the darkness begins to fade into the most brilliant light and as I pass over, thoughts of her run through my head and I feel more warmth than I ever have before.
I closed the box and put it in my pocket before she could see what I was doing. “It was three years from today” I said to her. "Huh?" Adeline asked "We first met three years from today, don't you remember?"
She placed her hand on my face and looked into my eyes before she kissed me softly. "Of coarse I remember” she whispered. My heart began to throb at an alarming pace. I grabbed her hand and placed it on my chest.
"You see what you do to me!?" I said.
"That's why I like you as much as I do, you're like putty in my hands!" she replied.
You better watch yourself Addy, I’ll turn you into putty with my hands." She giggled and then walked outside.
I never was very good at the verbal foreplay, I thought to myself.
"You better hurry up!" Addy yelled from downstairs, "I'm getting impatient here!"
"Give me just a few more minutes I'll be down soon as I can."
"You're worse than a woman, Bobby." She muttered “What!” I said “Oh nothing!” I heard her say, followed by her giggles and the door shutting.
I sat there trying to collect myself. I haven't been this nervous since the day I met Addy. It was on the lake in the park next to my house. It was one of the coldest winters in a long time. It was so cold that year, my glasses would frost over almost instantly. It took a couple minutes for them defrost, but by then my attention was on the stinging winds tearing at my face. The cold was almost unbearable. It was Christmas Eve. I was spending it alone. I’ve spent the last few Christmas’ alone since my parents passed away.On top of that it was my turn to work the graveyard shift at the hospital. I wasn’t going to make it to work tonight though. I had other plans I needed to take care of.
“What a miserable year its been” I thought to myself. I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. I got all of my things straightened out. I sent out my thank you cards and a letter to my sister in Missouri. All I have to do now is go get my car and pull it into the garage and I’ll be done.
I stepped outside into the cold winter air and began to walk towards my car. On the walk to the car my eye caught sight of Addy. At first, it seemed as if she was moving in slow motion, sliding on the ice of the lake like some sort of angel playing around carelessly. The wind and her hair were dancing together, beautifully choreographed with accents of sparkling snow. She slowly turned and her eyes connected with mine, I stood there, like a young boy at his first school dance, paralyzed by fear. She smiled and waved at me. I almost lost control of my legs. I wanted to fall to the ground. She was so beautiful. The warmth of her smile took the breath out of my lungs.
Then, as if I was possessed by a ghost or pushed by a guardian angel I moved towards her. An amazing warmth came over me. When I came close to her, I was overwhelmed with the sweet scent of her perfume. I started to open my mouth but before I could speak she lost footing and began to fall. I attempted to catch her. Unfortunately I began to fall as well. Though, I broke her landing with my mine. She showed me her appreciation by saying, "I never had a guy fall for me that hard before!"
She laughed a bit and looked me in the eyes playfully, her light blue eyes stopped time. I could spend eternity in this moment I thought to myself. I snapped out of it, wondering how much time had actually just passed. I regained balance and helped her up.
"Let me make you some hot coco for being such a gentlemen." She asked.
" I would love to" I replied. "Wait. No, I'm sorry, I really must be going I've got somethings to take care of.”
“What could be so important that you couldn’t spare an extra fifteen minutes to spend with a lonely girl like me?”
Silence. I didn't know what to say. She reached out her hand. “C’mon.” She said playfully, “it wont take that long I promise.”
What was supposed to be fifteen minutes ended up turning into a sleep over and breakfast! From that point on it was the perfect love story. She had pulled me out of the abyss. Thanks to her my life was saved. It was as if God himself had brought us together! I couldn't be a luckier man. We were meant for each other.
As the days went by we grew closer and closer. Everyday I was with her was like a completely new day, it was as if we were meeting for the first time over and over again. We cared dearly for one another and when I was with her I was a better person, I was a better person because of her. I can’t remember ever being so happy. Not even as a child. This was the most amazing experience I have ever had. When my parents passed away she was there for me. She never once asked for anything in return. Except, “When are you going to put a ring on this finger?”
Today I was going to finally give her what she wanted.
“Come on!” She yelled up. I snapped out of my daze, grabbed my scarf and continued outside. Today was a much warmer day than it was in previous years. It was so beautiful outside. The sun just barely behind the clouds let golden rays shoot out from infinite directions. It was as if one of those rays came down upon the two of us today. She took my hand, “Are you ready!?” she asked. “More than you’ll ever know.” I responded. I took her in close to me and hugged, her arms wrapped around me. She kissed me on the neck, just below my ear. She whispered “I love you, Robert” and kissed me again. The passage of time became distorted again, I had just spent an eternity gazing into her eyes. “Follow me” I said. “Ok, where are we going?” Addy replied. “We’re going to where we first met.” I took her hand and pulled her along. We walked out onto the frozen lake. When we reached the center I took her hand one last time. I knelt down in the cold wet ice. The clouds opened up and a ray of sunlight shined down upon us like a spotlight for the heavens to see the harmony of pure beauty and true love.
“Addy, you’ve pulled me from the abyss in which I once lived. You’ve brought more warmth to me than the sun brings to the earth. In these past three years I’ve never been more happy. I have grown so much from being with you. You’ve given me what others read about. I have what they dream of and wish for. A simple touch of your hand healed my soul. Adeline, without you I am nothing. Will you please be my wife?” Her eyes were glazed over, tears were running down her face, her hands were trembling. She squeezed my hand tightly. The sun still shining down upon us with anxious fury. The universe awaited her answer. “Yes!” She said, “Of course I will Bobby! Of course I will, nothing would make me happier than to be your wife!” I placed the ring on her finger. “It’s beautiful.” she said softly. “I know, it took me three years to find one that deserved to be on your finger.” I said She laughed and then jumped onto me, squeezing me, kissing me. Sweet euphoria, I thought to myself. The coldness of the ice underneath my feet began to catch up to me. “Let’s go back and warm up” I said.
“Carry me please?” She asked in a sweet voice.
“Anything for you my love.” I said. She sighed adoringly and squeezed me tighter.
I began to walk back but before I could take my second step my foot had slipped from underneath me, “CRACK!” I slammed to the ice. We stared into one another’s face with surprised looks, both remembering the first time we had met. She kissed me and said “I’m still taken by how easily I can make you fall for me!” We both started laughing until we heard another loud “CRACK” The ice beneath us must have been too thin for our fall. We could hear the ice begin to crack at a faster pace. The freezing water began to rise upon us. “Bobby what’s happening?” Addy cried. “The ice” I said, “the ice is cracking!” I tried to get up but my hand just broke through into the lake, we both were in water before we knew it. We couldn’t help but gasp, we were both choking on water and the freezing water took over. I tried my best to keep Addy above so she could breath. There was nothing I could do it was pointless. We began to uncontrollably shiver, we tried to swim out but the ice just continually fell in and kept breaking. We couldn’t manage to get any kind of grip we looked at each other. Addy was crying, I swam closer to her, I pulled her towards me, It’s going to be alright I said as calmly as I could, with shivering pauses. We held onto each other tightly. I began to lose the feeling in my arms and legs. Numbness began setting in.We began to sink, I looked at Addy one more time before we faded away. We were under water now and I could see her lips moving, “I love you” they said. Everything seemed to slow down.
It was at this moment that I noticed she looked the same as when I first met her, slowly her hair danced and the water sparkled with the wavering radiance of the sun light coming through. As we held each other for the last time I realized that she had truly saved me. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have known what happiness was, I wouldn’t know what it would be to connect with someone on such a deep and meaningful level or to truly feel love for someone.
I planned to take my life the evening I met her. I was in a lonely place with nothing, noone but feelings of emptiness and despair. She distracted me and I never returned to that place. Now as we slowly lose all the feeling in our bodies one remains and that one feeling is the warmth of the love that we share. I truly came into this world when I met her, I lived for the three years we were together. Now I will share eternity with her.
As we continue to sink the darkness begins to fade into the most brilliant light and as I pass over, thoughts of her run through my head and I feel more warmth than I ever have before.
Losing my mind. If all this pent up rage doesn't get released soon I'm definitely a candidate for cancer.
"I could sing a song, and will sing a song, although I am alone in an empty house and must sing it into mine own ears"
"I sat there waiting, waiting for nothing,
Enjoying, beyond good and evil, now
The light, now the shade; there was only
The day, the lake, the noon, time without end.
Then my friend, suddenly one became two."
-Nietzsche
I love to sit and just meditate on these two thoughts. Especially the second, the duality of it, of both of them. It's so invigorating for me, that something so isolated and cold can be so full of life at the same time . Like meditation itself. It's an act of isolation but through it you can feel a complete oneness with everything. Consciousness is such a wonderful gift and the opposite could be said as well. Consciousness can be a horrible curse. We all feel so small within this vast universe that we cannot even comprehend it, but we tend to forget about the cosmos we house in our own minds. In a sense we've created everything that we know. It makes me wary of just about everything though. What can you believe? What can we know? Everything is based on our senses and our experience of certain events. Should I believe in love and altruism, or does biologic need necessitate the will to do the things we do? Part of me wants everything to be so simple that we can look at the human race like a national geographic special on animal behavior. It would be sad, but easy. The other part wants to know that there's much more but that's frightening, that's filled with utter chaos knowing that there is a form of consciousness beyond life. It's like falling from the sky, you fear the ground but at least you know what it is to fly.
On a lighter note check out my awesome new photoshop pic!
"Listen Marty all you need to get back to the future is fourty-seven pounds of manure and I can do the rest, ok?"
Marty McFly's such a dumb ass.
"I sat there waiting, waiting for nothing,
Enjoying, beyond good and evil, now
The light, now the shade; there was only
The day, the lake, the noon, time without end.
Then my friend, suddenly one became two."
-Nietzsche
I love to sit and just meditate on these two thoughts. Especially the second, the duality of it, of both of them. It's so invigorating for me, that something so isolated and cold can be so full of life at the same time . Like meditation itself. It's an act of isolation but through it you can feel a complete oneness with everything. Consciousness is such a wonderful gift and the opposite could be said as well. Consciousness can be a horrible curse. We all feel so small within this vast universe that we cannot even comprehend it, but we tend to forget about the cosmos we house in our own minds. In a sense we've created everything that we know. It makes me wary of just about everything though. What can you believe? What can we know? Everything is based on our senses and our experience of certain events. Should I believe in love and altruism, or does biologic need necessitate the will to do the things we do? Part of me wants everything to be so simple that we can look at the human race like a national geographic special on animal behavior. It would be sad, but easy. The other part wants to know that there's much more but that's frightening, that's filled with utter chaos knowing that there is a form of consciousness beyond life. It's like falling from the sky, you fear the ground but at least you know what it is to fly.
On a lighter note check out my awesome new photoshop pic!
"Listen Marty all you need to get back to the future is fourty-seven pounds of manure and I can do the rest, ok?"
Marty McFly's such a dumb ass.
FEBRUARY 2011
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