went to the doctor today for some nasal congestion that wont go away, and talked to him about a few other things.
im tired of feeling the way i do, emotionally, and physically. so im gonna try to get myself motivated to improve on myself physically, eating right, exercising, etc.
and i decided i'm gonna see a psychologist occasionally, because ive tried and tried, and i cant seem to do it on my own, and my friends dont really help much cause they dont really understand. which isnt realy their fault
so, wish me luck! i've actually got a really good personality somewhere under all this bitterness and depression, i swear!
im tired of feeling the way i do, emotionally, and physically. so im gonna try to get myself motivated to improve on myself physically, eating right, exercising, etc.
and i decided i'm gonna see a psychologist occasionally, because ive tried and tried, and i cant seem to do it on my own, and my friends dont really help much cause they dont really understand. which isnt realy their fault
so, wish me luck! i've actually got a really good personality somewhere under all this bitterness and depression, i swear!
oh my god. im becoming such cliche emo lately. and its not on purpose for the image or whatever.
but i am incredibly miserable lately, there isnt anything that seems to make me happy, and the only thing, or person, who can, isnt possible.
i really feel like just giving up on everything. and what i mean by that i dont even know. but i just dont feel like trying anymore.
not trying in life is a waste of time, but for me, so is trying. so at least if i dont try, i wont fail to accomplish anythign, because im not trying to accomplish anything.
i've barely talked to any of my friends in 3 months, and the times when they try to talk to me seem farther and farther apart.
im more alone now than i have ever been.
im not planning to end my life or anything, but if tomorrow a big truck came and hit me as im crossing the street, i really couldnt care less
but i am incredibly miserable lately, there isnt anything that seems to make me happy, and the only thing, or person, who can, isnt possible.
i really feel like just giving up on everything. and what i mean by that i dont even know. but i just dont feel like trying anymore.
not trying in life is a waste of time, but for me, so is trying. so at least if i dont try, i wont fail to accomplish anythign, because im not trying to accomplish anything.
i've barely talked to any of my friends in 3 months, and the times when they try to talk to me seem farther and farther apart.
im more alone now than i have ever been.
im not planning to end my life or anything, but if tomorrow a big truck came and hit me as im crossing the street, i really couldnt care less
heres a new one:
i know,t he clouds look kinda weird
edit cause i just finished another one:
this is the really small low res version, because it wont fit on here.
PLEASE go here for the full size version!
i know,t he clouds look kinda weird
edit cause i just finished another one:
this is the really small low res version, because it wont fit on here.
PLEASE go here for the full size version!
oh good. another valentines day.
who cares? not i!
(note the sarcasm and desperate need to actually have a reason to celebrate )
who cares? not i!
(note the sarcasm and desperate need to actually have a reason to celebrate
)i have the most uninteresting life imaginable.
theres nothing fun or interesting about it, or me for that matter.
no wonder no one talks to me at work or anywhere else
theres nothing fun or interesting about it, or me for that matter.
no wonder no one talks to me at work or anywhere else
im actually doing a lot better. i dunno why. but i am. i'm not exactly doing good, but im back to normal, which is better than morbidly depressed i suppose.
where do i go from here? i'm not sure. but we'll see
where do i go from here? i'm not sure. but we'll see
i thought i'd post the whole story on here. im trying to get more opinions on the subject, to try and figure the whole thing out.
ok, so a few months ago, i got introduced to this girl. Her name's Denise. now, i'm a very very shy person when i meet new people. but partly because i am tired of being lonely, but mostly cause i just felt comfortable around her, i talked to her. and we hit it off.
we went once or twice a week for 2 months. after about the 3rd date i asked her to be my girlfriend, like, officially. she told me that although she wanted to, she didnt want to get into a serious relationship because she has alot going on with school, and she didnt want me to get mad because she didnt have time for me. and i told her i understood.
she also said that she got out of some bad relationships recently, and i understood that as well. So i took things slow.
We got to know each other pretty well. she told me some secrets that she neevr tells anyone. this made me feel great because she must like me a lot to tell me these things.
so one of our dates, i took her to the club Silk at the casino i work at, Pechanga. She looked so incredible. i got all dressed up and spent more time on my hair that i ever have before.
i asked her again to be my girlfriend, and she told me the same thing she told me before. and i told her i understoood, which i really really did. She also told me that she liked me a LOT, and when she was with me, she didnt think about her ex, which was important to both her and me.
We had a few drinks, started making out at the club. Then we left because we didnt want people looking at us. so we went somewhere to be alone.
i wont go into details, but it was an incredible night. best night of my life, for many many reasons. mostly because i finally had someoen who had genuine affection for me.
things were going so well that night, that i didnt see any problems ahead.
that was the last time we went out. she avoided me for a week, then sent me a message on MYSPACE!! couldnt even tell me in person. she said that she doesnt want to hurt me but blah blah blah, she doesnt wanna go out anymore. nothing against me or anything, she even said i treated her like nothing but gold. this was 5 days before X-mas. i had the most horrible xmas and new years ever.
and not even a week after, i find out shes dating someone else. and now on myspace, shes telling him she loves him, and he loves her, and all that.
and i have a strong feeling its her ex.
ive tried tot alk to her about it, but all she says is she will call me, and she never does. ive accepted that were not together anymore, but i cant get the whole situation out of my head because i cant figure out exactl what happened. i thouhgt it was because i pushed her, trying to be bf/gf, and she didnt want to. but now she has a boyfriend so soon after.
then i thought that she was planning it. but after the last date we had, i dont see how this oculd be either.
i cant figure the whole thing out.
and to make it more awkward, her best friend is now dating my "best friend" and he wont tell me anything. says he doesnt know anything. but i know they have all been hanging out a lot lately. i havent even hung out with him in weeks.
and now im going thru a huge crisis in my life, where im depressed all the time, i dont see anything worth living for. this isnt all because of her, shes just what triggered it.
now, im not going to kill myself, mainly because i dont want to do that to my family and friends.
but anyways, any thoughts, opinions, words of encouragemen would be much appreciated.
oh, and sorry for such a long journal
ok, so a few months ago, i got introduced to this girl. Her name's Denise. now, i'm a very very shy person when i meet new people. but partly because i am tired of being lonely, but mostly cause i just felt comfortable around her, i talked to her. and we hit it off.
we went once or twice a week for 2 months. after about the 3rd date i asked her to be my girlfriend, like, officially. she told me that although she wanted to, she didnt want to get into a serious relationship because she has alot going on with school, and she didnt want me to get mad because she didnt have time for me. and i told her i understood.
she also said that she got out of some bad relationships recently, and i understood that as well. So i took things slow.
We got to know each other pretty well. she told me some secrets that she neevr tells anyone. this made me feel great because she must like me a lot to tell me these things.
so one of our dates, i took her to the club Silk at the casino i work at, Pechanga. She looked so incredible. i got all dressed up and spent more time on my hair that i ever have before.
i asked her again to be my girlfriend, and she told me the same thing she told me before. and i told her i understoood, which i really really did. She also told me that she liked me a LOT, and when she was with me, she didnt think about her ex, which was important to both her and me.
We had a few drinks, started making out at the club. Then we left because we didnt want people looking at us. so we went somewhere to be alone.
i wont go into details, but it was an incredible night. best night of my life, for many many reasons. mostly because i finally had someoen who had genuine affection for me.
things were going so well that night, that i didnt see any problems ahead.
that was the last time we went out. she avoided me for a week, then sent me a message on MYSPACE!! couldnt even tell me in person. she said that she doesnt want to hurt me but blah blah blah, she doesnt wanna go out anymore. nothing against me or anything, she even said i treated her like nothing but gold. this was 5 days before X-mas. i had the most horrible xmas and new years ever.
and not even a week after, i find out shes dating someone else. and now on myspace, shes telling him she loves him, and he loves her, and all that.
and i have a strong feeling its her ex.
ive tried tot alk to her about it, but all she says is she will call me, and she never does. ive accepted that were not together anymore, but i cant get the whole situation out of my head because i cant figure out exactl what happened. i thouhgt it was because i pushed her, trying to be bf/gf, and she didnt want to. but now she has a boyfriend so soon after.
then i thought that she was planning it. but after the last date we had, i dont see how this oculd be either.
i cant figure the whole thing out.
and to make it more awkward, her best friend is now dating my "best friend" and he wont tell me anything. says he doesnt know anything. but i know they have all been hanging out a lot lately. i havent even hung out with him in weeks.
and now im going thru a huge crisis in my life, where im depressed all the time, i dont see anything worth living for. this isnt all because of her, shes just what triggered it.
now, im not going to kill myself, mainly because i dont want to do that to my family and friends.
but anyways, any thoughts, opinions, words of encouragemen would be much appreciated.
oh, and sorry for such a long journal
ok. so im back. been a while. in the time that ive been gone, i actually started to have a life. then it was gone. in the blink of an eye.
I started seeing this girl, and we dated for a couple months, and i loved her, i could tell she had strong feelings for me. but then she broke up with me saying she didnt want a serious relationship.
and now she's in one.
oh, and she broke up with me 5 days before x-mas. yay!
isnt life wonderful?
oh well, at least i can blog it here without her seeing it.
fuck myspace by the way,
oh, and heres what my friends have been up to
I started seeing this girl, and we dated for a couple months, and i loved her, i could tell she had strong feelings for me. but then she broke up with me saying she didnt want a serious relationship.
and now she's in one.
oh, and she broke up with me 5 days before x-mas. yay!
isnt life wonderful?
oh well, at least i can blog it here without her seeing it.
fuck myspace by the way,
oh, and heres what my friends have been up to
