While staring at a bunch of shelves in my room earlier as a way of avoiding doing a 3000 word essay on my drama exam I noticed something odd. My razor caught my eye, one of those Wilkinson Quatro things. I used to use a Gillette Mach 3 but I switched, and it was whilst staring at it that it occured to me why. It looks like a fighter jet.
Seriously, look at it.
Maybe not a jet fighter, but some sort of high-tech piece of equipment. Think back to when you were a kid, particularly any guys reading this (I know Im kidding myself, only Dylan is reading it). How many action figures and various other things does that look like? thats right. All of them. And deep down inside thats why I bought it.
Thinking about it this goes for any and all products aimed at men. Look at the new line of Lynx shower gel stuff, they're all shaped like some sort of laser gun. The colours are all bold shades of blue or red or green and they look like if you turn the right part and throw it it'll explode in a shower of manliness. Cars look more and more like they've been designed by someone who normally draws comic books for a living. Watches, shoes, belt buckles, everything.
And it works.
I can imagine the conversation with any man's inner child as he debates with himself whether or not to buy it.
Guy: Hmm...its more expensive but I dont really see why its any better than the others
Inner child: But it looks like sword!
Guy:...still I dunno, Im just throwing money away really..
Inner child: A LASER SWORD!
Guy: What the hell, I'd only spend it on hookers anyway.
What I also noticed though was that there are quite a few products out there aimed at women that look...kind of...well....
PHALLIC
Seriously, do you not see that? I certainly do. I can just imagine a guy having been sent out to buy shampoo by his girlfriend debating with his feminine side over which one she'd want
Guy: Well, this one's cheaper
Feminine Side: Yeah but LOOK AT THAT ONE
Guy: Does the price really make a difference?
Feminine Side: Maybe not but size does
Guy: I dunno...
Feminine Side: Im going for a shower...
Guy: What?
No wonder working in advertising is such a well paid job.
Seriously, look at it.
Maybe not a jet fighter, but some sort of high-tech piece of equipment. Think back to when you were a kid, particularly any guys reading this (I know Im kidding myself, only Dylan is reading it). How many action figures and various other things does that look like? thats right. All of them. And deep down inside thats why I bought it.
Thinking about it this goes for any and all products aimed at men. Look at the new line of Lynx shower gel stuff, they're all shaped like some sort of laser gun. The colours are all bold shades of blue or red or green and they look like if you turn the right part and throw it it'll explode in a shower of manliness. Cars look more and more like they've been designed by someone who normally draws comic books for a living. Watches, shoes, belt buckles, everything.
And it works.
I can imagine the conversation with any man's inner child as he debates with himself whether or not to buy it.
Guy: Hmm...its more expensive but I dont really see why its any better than the others
Inner child: But it looks like sword!
Guy:...still I dunno, Im just throwing money away really..
Inner child: A LASER SWORD!
Guy: What the hell, I'd only spend it on hookers anyway.
What I also noticed though was that there are quite a few products out there aimed at women that look...kind of...well....
PHALLIC
Seriously, do you not see that? I certainly do. I can just imagine a guy having been sent out to buy shampoo by his girlfriend debating with his feminine side over which one she'd want
Guy: Well, this one's cheaper
Feminine Side: Yeah but LOOK AT THAT ONE
Guy: Does the price really make a difference?
Feminine Side: Maybe not but size does
Guy: I dunno...
Feminine Side: Im going for a shower...
Guy: What?
No wonder working in advertising is such a well paid job.
Im not a particularly religious man, and I feel kind of weird referring to myself as a "man" now too. Not because of any sort of gender issues (...I put that behind me years ago..*girlish sigh*), but because in my head Im still 17 years old. I should be writing bad angsty poetry and self-harming like they all seem to be doing these days.
Anyway, Im not a particularly religious man but even to me this whole dying Pope business seems pretty significant. John-Paul has been Pope now for 204 years (EXACTLY) and he's done a bloody good job of it too. I say that, but Im not entirely sure what it is a Pope does. To my knowledge they get shipped around the world to bless things, talk about why war is bad, get countries with bad relations talking to each other again, open supermarkets and battle aliens. You dont think that staff is some sort of ninja staff or magic wizard stick? Think again bub!
Anyways I figured I'd look into the this Pope's backstory and list his top ten achievements as the head of...religion, in honour of his inevitable passing*
Top Five Stuff the Pope Done Because Im Not Clever Enough to Think Up Ten:
5: In 1964 the Pope won America's "secret war" against a cyborg implanted with Hitler's brain. After a long and arduous hand-to-metallic pincer appendage battle John Paul won by drop kicking the Nazi leader into a volcano. GOD BLESS AMERICA
4: In 1981 an assassination attempt was made on John Paul that saw him shot 17 times. Thinking the Pope dead the assassin was taken by surprise when the bullets miraculously shot back out of the pontiff and served him a dose of "holy" justice. "Holy", get it? See what I did there? Fuckin' LOL
3: In 1989 Pope John Paul used his Pope Staff to single-handedly knock down the Berlin Wall, brining unity to Germany once more! Ich bin einne...old
2: In 2004 tensions between John Paul and his younger brother Kane reached their peak when Kane buried him alive infront of millions, only to have him return several months later and Tombstone him straight to HELL!
1: Died. OMG SWERVE!
Seriously though its a pity he's on his way out, despite my lack of religion I cant help but respect him, even if its just for lasting as long as he has. I havent got much of a clue as to what he's done, although I know he's gotten in trouble for his views on the role of women in society and what he thinks of homosexuality. Then again being the Pope you'd expect him to be a pretty by-the-numbers catholic. But he's also served as possibly one of the last really respected religious institutions and I cant help but feel that its significant, perhaps even slightly ominous that he's on his last legs.
Oh and by the way, anyone offended by this drivel gets a slap.
*inevitable unless he Hulks Up before the end, Leg Drops Death itself and then flexes infront of the cheering masses for two hours to Real American....that'd be so cool.
Anyway, Im not a particularly religious man but even to me this whole dying Pope business seems pretty significant. John-Paul has been Pope now for 204 years (EXACTLY) and he's done a bloody good job of it too. I say that, but Im not entirely sure what it is a Pope does. To my knowledge they get shipped around the world to bless things, talk about why war is bad, get countries with bad relations talking to each other again, open supermarkets and battle aliens. You dont think that staff is some sort of ninja staff or magic wizard stick? Think again bub!
Anyways I figured I'd look into the this Pope's backstory and list his top ten achievements as the head of...religion, in honour of his inevitable passing*
Top Five Stuff the Pope Done Because Im Not Clever Enough to Think Up Ten:
5: In 1964 the Pope won America's "secret war" against a cyborg implanted with Hitler's brain. After a long and arduous hand-to-metallic pincer appendage battle John Paul won by drop kicking the Nazi leader into a volcano. GOD BLESS AMERICA
4: In 1981 an assassination attempt was made on John Paul that saw him shot 17 times. Thinking the Pope dead the assassin was taken by surprise when the bullets miraculously shot back out of the pontiff and served him a dose of "holy" justice. "Holy", get it? See what I did there? Fuckin' LOL
3: In 1989 Pope John Paul used his Pope Staff to single-handedly knock down the Berlin Wall, brining unity to Germany once more! Ich bin einne...old
2: In 2004 tensions between John Paul and his younger brother Kane reached their peak when Kane buried him alive infront of millions, only to have him return several months later and Tombstone him straight to HELL!
1: Died. OMG SWERVE!
Seriously though its a pity he's on his way out, despite my lack of religion I cant help but respect him, even if its just for lasting as long as he has. I havent got much of a clue as to what he's done, although I know he's gotten in trouble for his views on the role of women in society and what he thinks of homosexuality. Then again being the Pope you'd expect him to be a pretty by-the-numbers catholic. But he's also served as possibly one of the last really respected religious institutions and I cant help but feel that its significant, perhaps even slightly ominous that he's on his last legs.
Oh and by the way, anyone offended by this drivel gets a slap.
*inevitable unless he Hulks Up before the end, Leg Drops Death itself and then flexes infront of the cheering masses for two hours to Real American....that'd be so cool.
Im still as yet uninspired by the art exam question. "My own space". All I need to do is show some sort of development process, I dont even need to come up with a final piece. All its done so far is get me to look at Francis Bacon's stuff a bit and then ignore it.
Thats not the worst part of the work I need to do for college. No, the worst part is the drama work. I have to write up a 3000 word essay on the development of the performance exam that I did about a week ago, talking about the plays (and their historical context), character development, working with the other two people, how we came up with ideas for our own thing, blah blah blah.
Its not so much that its hard but good lord it sucks the life right out of the subject like some sort of demonic hoover. Not that hoovers arent demonic enough. I fucking hate the hoover. Its like having someone stomping around your house screaming at the top of their lungs for about ten minutes.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.
Thats not the worst part of the work I need to do for college. No, the worst part is the drama work. I have to write up a 3000 word essay on the development of the performance exam that I did about a week ago, talking about the plays (and their historical context), character development, working with the other two people, how we came up with ideas for our own thing, blah blah blah.
Its not so much that its hard but good lord it sucks the life right out of the subject like some sort of demonic hoover. Not that hoovers arent demonic enough. I fucking hate the hoover. Its like having someone stomping around your house screaming at the top of their lungs for about ten minutes.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.
okay so, I missed my lift to college this morning. I walked all the way into town to discover I didnt have change for the bus. I thought Id take a ten out and get change. Apparently I have about £4 in the bank. Ironically enough a return bus ticket is £3.
So for the next two weeks I have off college I have no money. Wonderful. It wouldnt be so bad if a) I didnt have a bunch of college stuff I need to do and therefore need materials for which I now cant afford and b) there wasnt a girl who lives half an hour away, or an hour by train who I appear to have fallen for through endless conversation that was taking her sweet time convincing herself to meet me.
Actually Id keep b around anyway, but a is bloody annoying. I should get a job but who needs the added stress? Three A levels isnt easy, especially not when one of them is something as pretentious as drama.
Speaking of which, I had an exam in that on Monday which went rather well. I was in three different scenes that Id been working on with two other people. One was a combination of scenes from Amadeus that we'd edited together, one was an extremely boring scene from a pre-1900 play called Mrs. Warren's Profession and one was a scene we'd written.
Amadeus was bloody hard. Especially considering the span of the scenes we'd picked because it meant I had to start out acting the childish, spoilt, loud and irritating wanker he was at the start, then switch to the out of work and obsessive pauper, and then switch to paranoid and isolated mental case who finally dies in his wife's arms.
I have to admit, the death scene was cool. Not only did it begin with me on my knees crying (really crying too, go me) but I got to be held and then lowered slowly, dead, to the requiem mass. Nice and dramatic.
The one we wrote was great and alot lighter. It was also the last one to be performed which ended the whole thing on a high. Guy wants to phone a girl, the other two of us played his positive and negative sides arguing for against. Guess which one I was?
Thats right. It meant I got to wear a pinstripe suit, hold a fag and basically act alot like Dylan Moran for 10 minutes.
This was alot longer than I was expecting it to be. If anyone has any ideas on how I can sort out my financial situation without selling my body they're welcome. Any advice on the love life situation wouldnt go amiss either.
So for the next two weeks I have off college I have no money. Wonderful. It wouldnt be so bad if a) I didnt have a bunch of college stuff I need to do and therefore need materials for which I now cant afford and b) there wasnt a girl who lives half an hour away, or an hour by train who I appear to have fallen for through endless conversation that was taking her sweet time convincing herself to meet me.
Actually Id keep b around anyway, but a is bloody annoying. I should get a job but who needs the added stress? Three A levels isnt easy, especially not when one of them is something as pretentious as drama.
Speaking of which, I had an exam in that on Monday which went rather well. I was in three different scenes that Id been working on with two other people. One was a combination of scenes from Amadeus that we'd edited together, one was an extremely boring scene from a pre-1900 play called Mrs. Warren's Profession and one was a scene we'd written.
Amadeus was bloody hard. Especially considering the span of the scenes we'd picked because it meant I had to start out acting the childish, spoilt, loud and irritating wanker he was at the start, then switch to the out of work and obsessive pauper, and then switch to paranoid and isolated mental case who finally dies in his wife's arms.
I have to admit, the death scene was cool. Not only did it begin with me on my knees crying (really crying too, go me) but I got to be held and then lowered slowly, dead, to the requiem mass. Nice and dramatic.
The one we wrote was great and alot lighter. It was also the last one to be performed which ended the whole thing on a high. Guy wants to phone a girl, the other two of us played his positive and negative sides arguing for against. Guess which one I was?
Thats right. It meant I got to wear a pinstripe suit, hold a fag and basically act alot like Dylan Moran for 10 minutes.
This was alot longer than I was expecting it to be. If anyone has any ideas on how I can sort out my financial situation without selling my body they're welcome. Any advice on the love life situation wouldnt go amiss either.
Ive been on some sort of mad inspired streak for the last couple of days. It started yestarday when I was working on the final piece for my art course and suddenly I had this flood of (what I hope are) great ideas. Im not sure if it was just the thrill of finally doing something or the fumes from the ridiculously old paint, or a combination of the two. Then once I got back from college I wrote a script for the drama exam I have in two weeks; something Id been putting off for ages and suddenly I just pulled it out of thin air.
So now I have a big plain white mount board in my room and a bunch of black pens. For the first time in ages Im going to do something artistic outside of a course. I have no idea what yet, Im hoping the inspiration will last.
Unfortunately this inspiration doesn't seem to want to lend itself to songwriting or poetry of any kind. Despite all this sudden creativity I still cant seem to write lyrics that dont descend into pseudo-gothic cliché crap.
Still, there doesnt seem to be much point in writing lyrics as I still dont have a band. Or musicians. Or any way to record anything.
So now I have a big plain white mount board in my room and a bunch of black pens. For the first time in ages Im going to do something artistic outside of a course. I have no idea what yet, Im hoping the inspiration will last.
Unfortunately this inspiration doesn't seem to want to lend itself to songwriting or poetry of any kind. Despite all this sudden creativity I still cant seem to write lyrics that dont descend into pseudo-gothic cliché crap.
Still, there doesnt seem to be much point in writing lyrics as I still dont have a band. Or musicians. Or any way to record anything.
Well here we are then. 20. Two decades. Halfway to 40 and twice the age of a ten year old.
People always talk about how time flies but to be fair 20 years seems to have been bloody ages. Think of all the things Ive accomplished in my time. Actually dont, I'll look like such a loser.
Its about as much of an anti-climax as turning 19 was. Theres not really anything new you can do when you turn 19 or 20 that you cant do when you turned 18 and were already doing for years beforehand anyway; sex, parties, clubs, pubs, bars, drinking so much that you start seeing that Windows paperclip appear infront of you when you're in the toilets. "Hello, it looks like you're writing a letter.". Apparently car insurance is cheaper 20 years and over, which is nice. Or it would be if I actually had a car. I do have a driver's license, I just have nothing to drive.
Its made worse by people making a fuss of it as well and insisting on singing happy birthday. Less and less people do it as you get older but it makes it all the more annoying when someone suddenly bursts into it out of nowhere. Also you get shit in the way of presents, unless you consider tax forms and various confusing letters about how to apply to every university at the same time whilst simultaneously accidentally rejecting all the offers as well as mortgaging the house you dont own somehow as presents. Any money you get you put in the bank and then it mysteriously disappears too.
I did get one great one though; a friend sent me a painting that she did for me. A proper one on canvas. A very bold, black and white and sort of stencil-looking one of Tokyo train station. Not only that but she sent a shoelace necklace thing that she made with a marble-looking stone she found on the beach. Unfortunatly it doesnt have a fastening thing, so I'll have to get one attatched as I wont be able to tie it without doing it far to tight and strangling myself to death and inexplicably taking three other people with me.
Well, Im out of things to say.
People always talk about how time flies but to be fair 20 years seems to have been bloody ages. Think of all the things Ive accomplished in my time. Actually dont, I'll look like such a loser.
Its about as much of an anti-climax as turning 19 was. Theres not really anything new you can do when you turn 19 or 20 that you cant do when you turned 18 and were already doing for years beforehand anyway; sex, parties, clubs, pubs, bars, drinking so much that you start seeing that Windows paperclip appear infront of you when you're in the toilets. "Hello, it looks like you're writing a letter.". Apparently car insurance is cheaper 20 years and over, which is nice. Or it would be if I actually had a car. I do have a driver's license, I just have nothing to drive.
Its made worse by people making a fuss of it as well and insisting on singing happy birthday. Less and less people do it as you get older but it makes it all the more annoying when someone suddenly bursts into it out of nowhere. Also you get shit in the way of presents, unless you consider tax forms and various confusing letters about how to apply to every university at the same time whilst simultaneously accidentally rejecting all the offers as well as mortgaging the house you dont own somehow as presents. Any money you get you put in the bank and then it mysteriously disappears too.
I did get one great one though; a friend sent me a painting that she did for me. A proper one on canvas. A very bold, black and white and sort of stencil-looking one of Tokyo train station. Not only that but she sent a shoelace necklace thing that she made with a marble-looking stone she found on the beach. Unfortunatly it doesnt have a fastening thing, so I'll have to get one attatched as I wont be able to tie it without doing it far to tight and strangling myself to death and inexplicably taking three other people with me.
Well, Im out of things to say.
I figured I should put something in here, just to start it off. Unfortunatly I have nothing all that interesting to say. Ever. Still maybe if I just type for ages something will fall out.
...
No.
It was worth a try though. This is only really going up because Dylan nagged me to give her something she could leave comments on when she's drunk. She's also the reason I joined the site infact, it was only a favour to her really. Really. Yeah....
Its not like I was looking for an excuse to join or anything..
So anyway, well done to her for being accepted actually. And anyone else who did that might be reading this as well. At the moment Im still overwhelmed by how fantastic everyone here looks. Scrolling through the gallery almost makes me want to cry and perhaps learn to play the piano so I can express it apporpriately.
I do talk alot of bollocks. Oh and hello, and everything.
...
No.
It was worth a try though. This is only really going up because Dylan nagged me to give her something she could leave comments on when she's drunk. She's also the reason I joined the site infact, it was only a favour to her really. Really. Yeah....
Its not like I was looking for an excuse to join or anything..
So anyway, well done to her for being accepted actually. And anyone else who did that might be reading this as well. At the moment Im still overwhelmed by how fantastic everyone here looks. Scrolling through the gallery almost makes me want to cry and perhaps learn to play the piano so I can express it apporpriately.
I do talk alot of bollocks. Oh and hello, and everything.
