Im not a particularly religious man, and I feel kind of weird referring to myself as a "man" now too. Not because of any sort of gender issues (...I put that behind me years ago..*girlish sigh*), but because in my head Im still 17 years old. I should be writing bad angsty poetry and self-harming like they all seem to be doing these days.

Anyway, Im not a particularly religious man but even to me this whole dying Pope business seems pretty significant. John-Paul has been Pope now for 204 years (EXACTLY) and he's done a bloody good job of it too. I say that, but Im not entirely sure what it is a Pope does. To my knowledge they get shipped around the world to bless things, talk about why war is bad, get countries with bad relations talking to each other again, open supermarkets and battle aliens. You dont think that staff is some sort of ninja staff or magic wizard stick? Think again bub!

Anyways I figured I'd look into the this Pope's backstory and list his top ten achievements as the head of...religion, in honour of his inevitable passing*

Top Five Stuff the Pope Done Because Im Not Clever Enough to Think Up Ten:

5: In 1964 the Pope won America's "secret war" against a cyborg implanted with Hitler's brain. After a long and arduous hand-to-metallic pincer appendage battle John Paul won by drop kicking the Nazi leader into a volcano. GOD BLESS AMERICA

4: In 1981 an assassination attempt was made on John Paul that saw him shot 17 times. Thinking the Pope dead the assassin was taken by surprise when the bullets miraculously shot back out of the pontiff and served him a dose of "holy" justice. "Holy", get it? See what I did there? Fuckin' LOL

3: In 1989 Pope John Paul used his Pope Staff to single-handedly knock down the Berlin Wall, brining unity to Germany once more! Ich bin einne...old

2: In 2004 tensions between John Paul and his younger brother Kane reached their peak when Kane buried him alive infront of millions, only to have him return several months later and Tombstone him straight to HELL!

1: Died. OMG SWERVE!

Seriously though its a pity he's on his way out, despite my lack of religion I cant help but respect him, even if its just for lasting as long as he has. I havent got much of a clue as to what he's done, although I know he's gotten in trouble for his views on the role of women in society and what he thinks of homosexuality. Then again being the Pope you'd expect him to be a pretty by-the-numbers catholic. But he's also served as possibly one of the last really respected religious institutions and I cant help but feel that its significant, perhaps even slightly ominous that he's on his last legs.

Oh and by the way, anyone offended by this drivel gets a slap.


*inevitable unless he Hulks Up before the end, Leg Drops Death itself and then flexes infront of the cheering masses for two hours to Real American....that'd be so cool.