I am in Cleveland recording my album. This is an experience, let me tell you. The songs are sounding incredible. Michael, my producer, is a fucking genius. I think I am happier than I have ever been. I am living my dream. My album is going to sound incredible. Everyone who has heard the preliminary tracks has marvelled at how original and amazing it sounds. We have done some crazy shit in pursuit of the perfect sound, but it is certainly working. Think speak-n-spell, a rubbermaid garbage can turned drum, a pump organ and using a breath from a vocal cut as a hi-hat. Heh.

I hope everyone here is going to pick up a copy. It's probably going to take about 10,000 album sales to make up for the expenses on this one.

Somebody pinch me.

So I'm taking traffic school online. If you get the right school, you can totally answer all the quiz questions, jot down the answers, and then surf the net or do whatever for the next x minutes until the timer counts down. I am OK with this.

I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago on my way to work. I admit I am pretty lax about my speedometer watching, but I have never gotten a ticket. I was really nice to the guy, and the prick gave me a ticket anyway, for going 17 over. That is a healthy amount of money for that ticket. So of course I did what any sensible girl would do - I totally hid the ticket, moved some money around and voila! I am taking care of it. My guy has no clue I got one - I don't think. I just got a ticket in July for my plates being expired for 5 months (oops). So I guess it is ticket time in general. And that means money. And that means some people don't need to know. Haha.

I got a new car too - it is a 2006 HHR. It's like a car/truck hybrid with a shit ton of space. The version we got is loaded, because my guy is insane and picky. But it is nice to have a roomy car that isn't a cop magnet.

Friday is my last day at the job. I am so excited I could pee myself. I am done with this shit. I am going to be so happy to say that my job is being a musician. And technically I won't starve, because we are not hurting in the money dept. right now. It's really nice after being up-and-down for years to be stable and able to start doing respectable shit like buying a new car. It's a little weird, but cool.

The only compaints I have right now are that I have gained a little bit of weight (and thanks to not doing yoga, it ain't muscle weight either), and a couple of other things that I will neglect to mention. One deals with a certain legal issue I found out about a year and a half ago that was supposed to be "first priority" and now stands completely unresolved (dammit). The other is of a more personal nature - let's just call it physical relations inconsistency. I am a confused, confused girl right now because I don't completely understand why...

Otherwise, things rock though. Once I get moved I will be around lots of friends again, which will make me feel less boxed in and lonely. I probably won't spend so much time on Myspace going "aww, people actually do think I'm pretty cool. That girl said I'm pretty. Wow." Haha. That is SO gay, but that is the extent of the comraderie and support and uplifting that doesn't come from the man. I hate that, but what are ya gonna do? I milk it for all it's worth.

I start recording in November. Whoopee!

It gives me a bright ray of hope as I toss my cookies 10 times a day.

And no, I am not pregnant. Every doctor has said that I might be and then the tests came up negative. I have some weird stomach issue. I am thinking something with my bile duct. The doc gave me Prilosec, and it ain't doing shit. They said my stomach looks like rugburn when they did an endoscopy the other day. With all of the bullshit, I'm not surprised.

I am moving in October. I hate Orlando. Fuck this city.

You know, the Bloodhound Gang makes my day when I want to kill people at work. That and Been Caught Stealing, and My Shit's Fucked Up. Great little ditties/artists.

I get to have no job as of October. YAY motherfucker. Musician is my new title. I like that.

I am about done being sick to my stomach. Done being in pain. Fuck being sick. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

I am tired of being sick. I am sick of being tired.

I wish these people would stop "practicing" medicine on me and actually do something worthwhile.

And here I thought I was going to get out of my 3-year funky health issue curse this year. Of course not.

Fuck this.

"From the first page
To the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are..."
-- Coldplay, "Square One"

You have no idea how much I feel these words throughout my being at this moment.

Hey! Guess what? I am now officially a cruel druggie bitch. That is a new high for me. Next I am going for cunt whore pigfucker.

Anyways...I am going to be moving to the city my parents and family and friends live in. Not sure when. I feel so alone here.

So I may not have a job tomorrow. I threw my weight around something fierce at work because I'm getting jacked around. I was told that we should "get me an assistant" which turned into another manager hiring an "IT Manager" to take over half my job. That title is above mine, and I have way more experience. I am betting that fuckoff makes more money than me, too. So then I am told he was hired so that I would not have to do the grunt work anymore, and that his title was given by someone who has nothing to do with the corporate side. He was just hired to take some work off of me. That it "wasn't approved" through the big guy. I was told that I was to wash my hands of the resort network and focus on corporate technology. I was to hand over documentation and let the guy run with it. That held me for about a week.

So Friday I am pulled into a meeting with the CFO, a consultant, and this new retard. What the CFO and a consultant has to do with IT, I have no idea. My boss was conspicuously absent. So these people rip me a new asshole, and tell me that this guy's network has been down for a week because I was not helping him. I was not supposed to per head honcho, and he had all he needed to accomplish the task. They tell me that I am to "sit with him and show him all of the settings on the server" and "teach him how to program the terminals". I flat said no, that I was told not to do that. That if fucktard was worth his weight in shit, he could do it himself - an "IT Manager" should know how to set up a server. Especially since my old *working* server is sitting right next to the new one, settings and all. The guy says nothing is working. I said, well it was when I left it. The CFO gets pissed and tells me that "we are all paid by the same people" and that I should do it "for the best interests of the company". I continued to rebut her, saying it was working and he should be able to do it on his own - I did! So she takes the stab - "well if it was working, we wouldn't have had to hire someone dedicated". So the truth comes out - that other manager thinks I can't do my job. I walk out after the meeting, and I go see my boss. I walk in, and I am like "fuck every one of those people in that meeting" and told him what happened. He agreed and said I was not to do it.

Fast forward to two hours later. My boss radios me and says "go sit with Carlos just to get them out of our hair". OH NO. I am done with the bullshit and the disrespect. I am not going to show a guy that is titled higher than me and making more than me how to do his fucking job. So I went in his office and told him no. I wasn't going to do it. He says "well, we have to, we can't but heads with the CFO, she has a lot of power". I was like no, you hate this guy too, talk to big cheese, have him fired, get me an assistant, and give me a raise. My boss kinda stepped back and tried everything he could to get me to back off. He even said "I am just worried about you keeping your job". I said well, if this guy's success on my back is worth insulting and lying to a person who has saved your ass and improved the network 200% since being there, then that's a shame because I have enjoyed working here.

I wrote him an email later explaining that their decisions have been insulting to me and financially bad for the company. I also alluded to the fact that I don't need this job to survive. I ended with that if they insist that I do this, that I will refuse, and he could choose to fire me if he so wished. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

I think they're going to boot me, although they are going to be hurtin' if they do. First they will try and get me to back down and do it anyway. Fuck that. I'll go down in flames with fireworks and canons.

My voice is doing much better.

How are you guys?

It's funny - I was watching TV at work the other day (uh...did I say that out loud?)...and I saw this commercial. "Do you have anxiety? You could be a part of an investigational medication study." I laughed my ass off and said to myself (out loud - proof that I am crazy) "I am an investigational medication study". I am on so much shit it would make your head spin. Between the head meds and the supplements for my throat, I take at least 10 pills in the morning. *gag* (literally).

I am starting to get annoyed with my job. I really don't like working outside my home office. I am still burnt over getting expunged from my joint business with my fiance' a few months ago. It stings a bit more because my throat is getting fucked by the mold that is in the air system at work. I get paid nothing compared to all the shit I do, and they continue to pile more shit on me.

I guess I am being a bit of a shithead, because many days I get home and I make little stabbing comments about how pissed I am about what happened with the business. I mean, I came up with the idea. Granted, he is great at what he does, and I am not quite as good at it. I didn't have health insurance and I do now. But I didn't have to fear every day that I was going to have a bad day and fuck things up (which I have totally done on a few occasions, and my boss has been pretty cool about it). I didn't have to deal with people every day. I could work on music. I guess I got spoiled and now I am being bratty. But I still feel totally cheated. I guesss underneath it all I was proud that I (we) created a business, and was successful, and I didn't like being forced out. To all of the people that knew me, and figured that I could never have done anything that cool, it proved that they were right. Especially my parents. They figured it was all my fiance's doing, and now they have proof. That sucks.

Hopefully after the album is out...this will all be behind me.

On Friday, I went to the rockinest bachelorette party. We went to a gay bar (GAY-bar gay-bar!). It was great. The club was fantastic. The bartenders made great drinks. Hot guys danced on the bar and did striptease. I swear to god, one guy had enough willie for like four girls. We were all like "whoah". One dancer tried to follow me home...it was great. He was like "I'm not gay, this is just a job". He was a GREAT dancer. Like doing tricks that were insane! All of the guys were all over the money - and they will let you go "where no woman has gone before" (well, I doubt that's true). I drank so much I think they ran out of vodka. I was a horribly bad influence on every one of the girls with me. I got them all stupid drunk. The bill was insane. But what a great time.

Then on Saturday I peeled myself up off the bed and got a manicure/pedicure for the wedding. Heh.

Sunday, I was in the wedding. The funny thing was that I was walking with a groomsman that I used to have a smokin-hot friends with benefits going on with a few years ago. He is married, and his wife totally approved...haha. So that was internally funny. Of course my fiance' didn't know and I didn't say anything. We had a great time, and I caught the bouquet, which I found amusing, since I already know I am getting married.

The rest of this week has been a bit of a mess. I have been way sick. My fiance' incorporated our "joint" company without my name on the paperwork, after insisting that I was part of it because I helped form it. That burnt me something fierce. I don't even want to be on it now. As it is he psuedo-fired me 4 months ago and I had to get a day job outside the house...then hired 2 other guys to do what I did. He also still has not taken care of his previous legal issues...after me knowing about it for a year, and the situation existing for maybe four years. So emotionally I am a bit of a mess.

We are hiring a producer. The album is going to cost $30K to produce, then we have to press and do marketing/distribution, etc. Quite an undertaking, but it is my life's work.

What's going on with everyone else??

So here's the rub.

My voice has been destroyed for 3 months. I am missing big sections of my range. It is scaring the piss out of me.

So I finally went to an MD today, who happened to be a bit of a talkative dork (no, I don't watch American Idol, no I don't want to explain my music to you - I just want to get my throat fixed). He said my throat looks awful and gave me antibiotics. Who knows if they work. No clue. I don't have a lot of faith at this point.

Here's a question - why does everyone think that if you are a musician, you are glued to American Idol?? Isn't it the opposite? I imagine models hate the top model show and high-powered executives don't get off on "The Apprentice". These shows make a completely fabricated mockery out of what we do. I will NOT watch that fucking show. I am not sure I have ever seen it. What is the deal?

Also, I wonder...why is it that when I am out with my fiance', everyone asks him if he is a "rock star" or "in a band"? He tells them that "we have a band together" which to most people says "I am the genius, she just sings and looks pretty" (not his fault, of course). But me, no dice. I guess it is because chicks are seen as puppets at best from a musical standpoint. If I tell people that I am a musician, it is always "oh, do you sing? do you have a band?" Uh, yes, along with many other things. And I am the band. Dorkus. Maybe I am just too sensitive. Actually in the last few years I haven't been. It is just a point of curiosity for me. People are either going to get it, or they won't.

My guy is working too much. The energy around our house blows. He's a flipping time bomb a lot of the time. You know, in times like these, I feel the negative side of being in a "bubble" relationship. Yeah, he is my best friend, and that rocks, but it sure would be nice to have a good conversation with someone other than my dogs. I have other friends, that disappear on a regular basis, usually when I have time to hang out. If I delve too much into this "I'm all alone" thing, it's gonna get ugly. So let's cut this off here.

So what's new? It's been a while.

I am finishing my album.

Code for "playing a lot of Neverwinter Nights and Command and Conquer".

Hey - the truth hurts.

Thanks to everyone who stays true through all the bullshit. Everyone who remains interested from here, myspace, etc, will get free copies of the album. This Summer/Fall, I swear.

Oh yeah, and being as I had to get a day job, it is slow going. I feel like I have re-sold my soul.