words flowing with a frenzy..
Nagging littles things; stinging like bumblebees caught up in the whirlwind,
thoughts seem to slip between my fingers like sand,
it all seems to move faster,but I can almost grab them if I reach,
but then the whirlwind moves faster,
but now I notice that I'm bleeding from a thousand papercuts,
from a thousand unfilled dreams,
pain, intense but, as sharp as surgical steel,
bringing me to my knees,
and just when I think its too much,
...just when the swarm become suffocating in its insistance
....then.....silence. golden and intense.

I'll be back for Heavy Rebel Weekend this year. I missed last year but, this year I'm definitely going to do it big.

I don't know what fustrates me more. The fact that I complain so much about meeting a woman that gets me, or the fact that all the women that do get me are scattered to the far reaches of the world. Seriously, Sometimes I think that god hates me. Either that or he seems to have forgotten that epic quest for maidens stopped being popular in the dark ages. I also find it fustrating that I avoid seriously relationships because, I sense that there is no depth to the women I meet. I think that pales behind the fact that there are so many of the woman who do get, me ending up in bad relationships. It bothers me that I can't upheave my life to rush in and save them. It bothers me that I contemplated such an obviously creepy-stalker-like behavior. It bothers me that I'm so jaded and torn up from my past experiences, but the hopeless romantic in me won't die. It's like that scene in buffy the vampire slayer where pee-wee herman just won't die and manages to flop around and twitch and make horrible sounds for way too long. Its tradgically amusing for awhile but, the song and dance gets old. I know what prometheus felt like. It makes good drama, it makes good lyrics for songs but, a shitty way to live.

Hmm.. I haven't written here in awhile so; where do I begin? Well let's start with the most important thing. I am finally leaving the military. That in itself is an immense wieght off of my shoulders. I compare it to someone giving you a gallon of milk and instructing you that you can only drink a swallow a day. At first, its no big deal its tastes good and its healthly, but then it starts to turn sour, and becomes unhealthy but, you still have to drink from your carton until you're done. And then this is the really insane part, you're finally done drinking and you don't know what to do. Well, the problem is that I just don't know where I want to move to, because I haven't found the place where I belong. There are plenty of places that I could work, but I'm so feed up with people telling me "what's good for me." and know that its slowly killing my soul. I'm tired of people trying to sell me propaganda that they don't even believe and being angry because I refuse to. I think what really has me shook is that to think that I wasted nearly the last decade of my life. In 30days I'll be free. I plan of using the next couple of months to recharge. to pick back up on my music and my writing. Hopefully, then I can remember what it means to be happy again.

...ummm.. I feel like I've just walked into someone else's house. This is kinda embrassing....I'm sure I've got the right address but, everything is totally different than I left it.

New SG, New Apartment.....its a week on new stuff for me.

Back from Hong Kong. Pictures coming soon.

The to do list
- Wash clothes
- Play Earthdawn with my friends
- Go to see silent hill
- Have dinner with another group of friends
- Pack up for the trip to China.

I look back on the last couple of days and the drama that took place and wonder what exactly happened. I still don't know but, I've just decided that I'll just pretend to believe the explaination I received.

Have you ever got to the point that you were tired of being mad at someone? Its crazy you ask for something simple and they give you everything but. I could see myself asking for a glass of water and being told that I couldn't have water, but I could have O.J. and that was o.k. because the oranges here were pollenated by an extremely rare butterfly that could cure cancer so this miracle O.J. was the best in the world..and no matter how hard I tried to explain that I wanted water they kept trying to give me the orange juice.

Its sad but, I don't know what's worst that people continue to disappoint me, or that I've come to expect it.....either way the game has begun and its time to toss the dice.

I just find it disappointing when someone who I thought was a pretty cool chica because, despite the fact that she was a hotie, she still remained a downass chick. She was humble, cool to hang with and everything....but, I realized today that I was wrong. She wasn't humble she just didn't know that she was beautiful. Now I see the beginnings of the "uber-ass clown" syndrome raising it's ugly head. So, after some thought I decided that I need to open up the safe and pull out my bag-o-wicked shit, and so friday shall be a day of reckoning and hopefully I can heal her of her affliction before its too late.

1 week of doing donuts in the middle of the water..... I'm so glad that's over.

The day I don't go the caves to snorkel. Just happens to be the day that my friends find a severed Human torso in the woods. Yes ladies and gentleman while I was a work one of my friends was escorting the swat team into the jungle.