"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."
I need to stop planning and start acting. I've been in limbo for years, and it's finally beginning to dawn on me that I've been wasting my life away waiting for something that just isn't right for me.
Things haven't been right between my Greek man and I since he left to put his service time in. Everything before he left was effortless, we were madly in love, we were SO certain we'd found our lifemates. These last two years have been nothing but struggle & grief & trying to force feelings that just aren't there, anymore. At least on my end of things.
I was allowing myself to settle, to accept his hopes and dreams as my own, to take comfort in what was familiar to me. Continuing to do so would be deceiving the both of us. Too often doubt creeps in, too often I am unsure of whether or not he is what I truly want & need. What I need is to be ME, live my own life. I've known this for a very long time, but have allowed fear of being alone to squash this knowledge.
How do I do this? How do I tell him that after everything we've been through that I just can't? It will destroy him, and above all else I still want him in my life. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't know where to begin, it kills me to hurt him.
Yes, there's someone else. No, he isn't why I've decided this. I just can't go on living a lie.
Despite this overwhelming chain of events, I'm doing quite well. Not so much happy as I am content and ready to close this chapter of my life and continue on hopeful and ready to take the bull by the horns. It's time for Lindsay to be her own woman.
So if you're wondering why I've been less of a presence round these parts, hopefully this explains things for you. Kinda stuck in my own head, atm. Lots of food for thought.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. ♥
I need to stop planning and start acting. I've been in limbo for years, and it's finally beginning to dawn on me that I've been wasting my life away waiting for something that just isn't right for me.
Things haven't been right between my Greek man and I since he left to put his service time in. Everything before he left was effortless, we were madly in love, we were SO certain we'd found our lifemates. These last two years have been nothing but struggle & grief & trying to force feelings that just aren't there, anymore. At least on my end of things.
I was allowing myself to settle, to accept his hopes and dreams as my own, to take comfort in what was familiar to me. Continuing to do so would be deceiving the both of us. Too often doubt creeps in, too often I am unsure of whether or not he is what I truly want & need. What I need is to be ME, live my own life. I've known this for a very long time, but have allowed fear of being alone to squash this knowledge.
How do I do this? How do I tell him that after everything we've been through that I just can't? It will destroy him, and above all else I still want him in my life. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't know where to begin, it kills me to hurt him.
Yes, there's someone else. No, he isn't why I've decided this. I just can't go on living a lie.
Despite this overwhelming chain of events, I'm doing quite well. Not so much happy as I am content and ready to close this chapter of my life and continue on hopeful and ready to take the bull by the horns. It's time for Lindsay to be her own woman.
So if you're wondering why I've been less of a presence round these parts, hopefully this explains things for you. Kinda stuck in my own head, atm. Lots of food for thought.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. ♥
Dammit! For some reason, my computer doesn't like my cam combined with sound. I've tried quite a few times, now, to shoot a vlog. Each and every time, within seconds of recording, my whole system just shuts down. WTF?!?
So I guess I'll just ham it up a bit for you guys til I figure this all out. Meh.
I've been insanely happy, lately. Everything's coming up roses all of the sudden, I've taken to pinching myself randomly throughout the day.
So I guess I'll just ham it up a bit for you guys til I figure this all out. Meh.
I've been insanely happy, lately. Everything's coming up roses all of the sudden, I've taken to pinching myself randomly throughout the day.
And doing alot of hard labor.
Oh, how I love my job. 
Not having the ability to make a vlog = no me fucking gusta.
But guess I shouldn't complain. Been doing a whole lot of this, lately:
Sooooo, yeah. Sorry kids, I tried.
Smooch 
K, so, I haven't been around as much. Been a little distracted, it's a good thing, trust me.
This update will be quick as I intend to replace it with my very first vlog at some point this week. So those questions you all asked me some time ago will get their replies soon enough. I'm slowly starting to wonder how I survived w/o a webcam. Damn new-fangled technology, giving me a new addiction!
So, training is done, today is officially my first day on the call center floor alone.
We had our graduation Friday, got our nifty certification diplomas and said our goodbyes to the class. I'm really going to miss those ten people, we all became so close over the course of 8 weeks.
So I'm pretty nervous, but I'll do fine today. Kinda stoked about having my own little desk. El professional, heh.
My head is in a strange place. Or, I should say, my heart. I kinda don't know what I want. Again. Sheesh.
But I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I place blame totally and completely on a certain song-writing debil. ♥
Happy Monday, my lovelies.
This update will be quick as I intend to replace it with my very first vlog at some point this week. So those questions you all asked me some time ago will get their replies soon enough. I'm slowly starting to wonder how I survived w/o a webcam. Damn new-fangled technology, giving me a new addiction!
So, training is done, today is officially my first day on the call center floor alone.
We had our graduation Friday, got our nifty certification diplomas and said our goodbyes to the class. I'm really going to miss those ten people, we all became so close over the course of 8 weeks.So I'm pretty nervous, but I'll do fine today. Kinda stoked about having my own little desk. El professional, heh.
My head is in a strange place. Or, I should say, my heart. I kinda don't know what I want. Again. Sheesh.
But I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I place blame totally and completely on a certain song-writing debil. ♥
Happy Monday, my lovelies.
GAH! I slept til almost 4 pm this afternoon. How in the hell did that happen?
I mean, I got REALLY sloshed, last night. But damn.
Still kinda feelin the effects, I'm groggy and my head feels like it weighs a ton. But I had a good time so that's all that matters.
This week was a rough one, we're quickly approaching the end of training class at work. Everybody is at the point where we're ready to be turned loose and ready to strangle just about the entire class. Our graduation is next Friday, we're having ourselves a big fiesta. Should be fun.
Good point of the work week - I made my very first video upgrade/commission all by myself. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I'd imagined, I really think I'm going to do great at Comcast.
Nothing else of much importance to share today. My brain kinda hurts.
I've listened to this song on repeat all week long:
Love you guys, have a good weekend.
I mean, I got REALLY sloshed, last night. But damn.
Still kinda feelin the effects, I'm groggy and my head feels like it weighs a ton. But I had a good time so that's all that matters.
This week was a rough one, we're quickly approaching the end of training class at work. Everybody is at the point where we're ready to be turned loose and ready to strangle just about the entire class. Our graduation is next Friday, we're having ourselves a big fiesta. Should be fun.
Good point of the work week - I made my very first video upgrade/commission all by myself. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I'd imagined, I really think I'm going to do great at Comcast.
Nothing else of much importance to share today. My brain kinda hurts.
I've listened to this song on repeat all week long:
Love you guys, have a good weekend.
Crazy week. Screaming matches, stress in the training class, people moving in and out of my house. GAH! Thank god that's over & I'm still in one piece.
My Halloween was uneventful, I just ended up scarfing leftover candy & watching the entire Freddy's Nightmares series with the brother person. I really love how much time I've been getting to spend with him since moving in with my family, we were seperated for alot of years and I almost felt as if we didn't know each other anymore. He's such an amazing kid, needs a little kick in the ass on occasion, but don't we all.
My big excitement for the week was none other than Guitar Hero 3 aka my new obsession. Most of you are probably tired of hearing me blab about it at this point. But that's just tough shit. I'll just leave it at I'm glad I broke myself by purchasing this game, it was SO worth it.
Mood swings were sporadic as hell (what else is new). This week I went from crying to hysterically laughing at a moment's notice. I'm an emotional cripple, I freak very easily and then act like I've not a care in the world. C'est la vie, I suppose.
Greek boy scored himself an incredible new job to replace that stinky ole gun in my face bank crap. Beverage Manager for the one and only casino in Athens. He'll be running their three bars, three piece suit and all. My little DeNiro in the making, I'm so proud of him. This was much needed good news.
Next Linds goal: making the road trip daydreaming of late a reality. I need to start savin my pennies cause there are at least 6 people I want to pay a visit to before I go to Athens. Not that I even have a time frame worked out for Greece anymore. The job is just too good to up and leave, but I have to do it eventually. I need to pick up where I left off with learning the language, too.
Weekend agenda - NADA. Short of a little cleaning I need to get done, my ass will be intoxicated, smoked retarded, laying around perfecting my GH3 skills & stalking SG. Fuckin A.
Smooch
My Halloween was uneventful, I just ended up scarfing leftover candy & watching the entire Freddy's Nightmares series with the brother person. I really love how much time I've been getting to spend with him since moving in with my family, we were seperated for alot of years and I almost felt as if we didn't know each other anymore. He's such an amazing kid, needs a little kick in the ass on occasion, but don't we all.
My big excitement for the week was none other than Guitar Hero 3 aka my new obsession. Most of you are probably tired of hearing me blab about it at this point. But that's just tough shit. I'll just leave it at I'm glad I broke myself by purchasing this game, it was SO worth it.
Mood swings were sporadic as hell (what else is new). This week I went from crying to hysterically laughing at a moment's notice. I'm an emotional cripple, I freak very easily and then act like I've not a care in the world. C'est la vie, I suppose.
Greek boy scored himself an incredible new job to replace that stinky ole gun in my face bank crap. Beverage Manager for the one and only casino in Athens. He'll be running their three bars, three piece suit and all. My little DeNiro in the making, I'm so proud of him. This was much needed good news.
Next Linds goal: making the road trip daydreaming of late a reality. I need to start savin my pennies cause there are at least 6 people I want to pay a visit to before I go to Athens. Not that I even have a time frame worked out for Greece anymore. The job is just too good to up and leave, but I have to do it eventually. I need to pick up where I left off with learning the language, too.
Weekend agenda - NADA. Short of a little cleaning I need to get done, my ass will be intoxicated, smoked retarded, laying around perfecting my GH3 skills & stalking SG. Fuckin A.
Smooch
"I had the blues cause I had no shoes, then on the street I met a man with no feet."
My trainer at work gives us thoughts for the day every morning, and I believe I'm the only person who takes notice. I'm sentinmental like that, a simple statement can make or break my day. Today's quote made me check myself hard.
I've been having insane mood swings for a few weeks, now. Letting things wear me down, focusing on what makes me unhappy, rather than what I love about my life.
I got myself caught up in another useless routine & paid way too much attention to things I shouldn't have. When I've come to the point that I embarass and disappoint myself daily is when I know I need to reel it in.
This happens to me every time Dimo & I are apart for a long period of time. I'm pretty much lost without him, apparently I'm not programmed for self sufficiency. I try to fill my alone time with escapes, ways to keep my mind off of his absence, but never seem to do this in a healthy way. I completely let myself go, mind body & spirit, every time.
Time to find a happy medium is all. Time to stop being a whiney little brat & start being the force to be reckoned with I damn well know I am. Strength, dammit!!
Be well to yourselves, my friends, never forget that you have the power to change your own life for the better. And that loving yourself is what makes the rest of the world love you, not the other way around. ♥
Self help rant, ftw. ♥
My trainer at work gives us thoughts for the day every morning, and I believe I'm the only person who takes notice. I'm sentinmental like that, a simple statement can make or break my day. Today's quote made me check myself hard.
I've been having insane mood swings for a few weeks, now. Letting things wear me down, focusing on what makes me unhappy, rather than what I love about my life.
I got myself caught up in another useless routine & paid way too much attention to things I shouldn't have. When I've come to the point that I embarass and disappoint myself daily is when I know I need to reel it in.
This happens to me every time Dimo & I are apart for a long period of time. I'm pretty much lost without him, apparently I'm not programmed for self sufficiency. I try to fill my alone time with escapes, ways to keep my mind off of his absence, but never seem to do this in a healthy way. I completely let myself go, mind body & spirit, every time.
Time to find a happy medium is all. Time to stop being a whiney little brat & start being the force to be reckoned with I damn well know I am. Strength, dammit!!
Be well to yourselves, my friends, never forget that you have the power to change your own life for the better. And that loving yourself is what makes the rest of the world love you, not the other way around. ♥
Self help rant, ftw. ♥
Dear god am I hung over.. My head feels full of lead and occasionally the room starts to spin again. I'm gonna coat my stomach with greasy breakfast food & coffee and just hope for the best. If that doesn't work I'll have to get some tomatoe juice. I don't much feel like leaving the house so let's hope option #1 works.
I had a good time last night, though. Guess I could say it was worth it. I'm just trying to remember exactly how much I misbehaved. Oh well.
My outlook has improved a bit since my last entry, I feel better. I get myself very down & lonely at times and just wish there was someone there. I distanced myself from the people in my life who were bringing me down, and that was pretty much everybody. I'm better off, but sometimes I just need to be held and told everything will be alright. My closest friends are wonderful, supportive & super terrific members of this site. But alas, you can't put your arms around a long distance friend, and at times I let this fact eat at me.
Comcast is still going beautifully, I'm halfway through my training. I'm really hoping they keep some of my class together on the floor, we've all really bonded over the course of 4 weeks. My trainer is awesome beyond awesome, the kind of teacher that really cares about his students and changes his method accordingly. That sounds so corny. But it's completely true. I think I've bonded the most with him, he always tells me I'm the class thermometer because of how expressive I am. If I'm indifferent, or frustrated, if I'm not quite grasping the material we cover or am having a nic fit it's apparently written all over my face.
It's just a shame I had to find this job now, when I'm so gung ho on leaving the country asap. This is a company I could see myself being a part of for a very long time. I've actually put a little extension on my gameplan simply because I need to see this job through for a bit. This is the first time in my life I haven't dreaded working. I wake up and actually want to go.
Money's still tight, but I'll manage. I always do. Kinda sucks that this week is both my mother & Greek boy's birthdays. I can't afford to get them much more than a card. Paycheck #2 comes at the end of this week and boy do I fucking need it.
One more week til Guitar Hero 3 is released, WOOT! I'm all over this. I almost don't believe some of the songs I read are going to be on this one. Money or no, this WILL be mine (oh yes).
Time for me to go nurse myself back to health. I feel like ass.
EDITED TO ADD: Whoa lots of pics update. Kinda did an SG cribs. So yeah, here's my world -
I had a good time last night, though. Guess I could say it was worth it. I'm just trying to remember exactly how much I misbehaved. Oh well.
My outlook has improved a bit since my last entry, I feel better. I get myself very down & lonely at times and just wish there was someone there. I distanced myself from the people in my life who were bringing me down, and that was pretty much everybody. I'm better off, but sometimes I just need to be held and told everything will be alright. My closest friends are wonderful, supportive & super terrific members of this site. But alas, you can't put your arms around a long distance friend, and at times I let this fact eat at me.
Comcast is still going beautifully, I'm halfway through my training. I'm really hoping they keep some of my class together on the floor, we've all really bonded over the course of 4 weeks. My trainer is awesome beyond awesome, the kind of teacher that really cares about his students and changes his method accordingly. That sounds so corny. But it's completely true. I think I've bonded the most with him, he always tells me I'm the class thermometer because of how expressive I am. If I'm indifferent, or frustrated, if I'm not quite grasping the material we cover or am having a nic fit it's apparently written all over my face.
It's just a shame I had to find this job now, when I'm so gung ho on leaving the country asap. This is a company I could see myself being a part of for a very long time. I've actually put a little extension on my gameplan simply because I need to see this job through for a bit. This is the first time in my life I haven't dreaded working. I wake up and actually want to go.
Money's still tight, but I'll manage. I always do. Kinda sucks that this week is both my mother & Greek boy's birthdays. I can't afford to get them much more than a card. Paycheck #2 comes at the end of this week and boy do I fucking need it.
One more week til Guitar Hero 3 is released, WOOT! I'm all over this. I almost don't believe some of the songs I read are going to be on this one. Money or no, this WILL be mine (oh yes).
Time for me to go nurse myself back to health. I feel like ass.
EDITED TO ADD: Whoa lots of pics update. Kinda did an SG cribs. So yeah, here's my world -
Smooch
Wow, I really let myself get sucked in, today. My mood was like a steep slope I rolled down, picking up speed as I went. The further into the day I got, the worse I felt. For no real reason, nothing's wrong that wasn't already wrong.
I'm so sick of worrying, I keep just trying to push the icky thoughts away. But then I start to think. And then I feel like this.
Just ignore me.
"Your flirt finds me out
teases the crack in me
Smittens me with hope.
Possibly maybe possibly maybe
possibly maybe
As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn't mind perhaps
spending little time with you
Sometimes
sometimes
Possibly maybe probably love
possibly maybe probably love
Uncertainty excites me
babe
Who knows what's going to happen?
Lottery or car crash
Or you'll join a cult
Probably maybe possibly love
probably maybe possibly love,possibly
Mon petit vulcan
You're eruptions and disasters
I keep calm admiring your lava
I keep calm
Possibly maybe probably love
possibly maybe probably love
Electric shocks
I love them!
With you - dozen a day
But after a while I wonder
Where's that love you promised me?
Where is it?
Possibly maybe probably love, possibly
Possibly maybe probably love, possibly
How can you offer me love like that?
My heart's burned
How can you offer me love like that?
I'm exhausted
Leave me alone
Possibly maybe possibly maybe
possibly maybe
Since we broke up
I'm using lipstick again
I suck my tongue
In rememberence of you...."
Bjork helps me find my happy place again.
Smooch ♥
I'm so sick of worrying, I keep just trying to push the icky thoughts away. But then I start to think. And then I feel like this.
Just ignore me.
"Your flirt finds me out
teases the crack in me
Smittens me with hope.
Possibly maybe possibly maybe
possibly maybe
As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn't mind perhaps
spending little time with you
Sometimes
sometimes
Possibly maybe probably love
possibly maybe probably love
Uncertainty excites me
babe
Who knows what's going to happen?
Lottery or car crash
Or you'll join a cult
Probably maybe possibly love
probably maybe possibly love,possibly
Mon petit vulcan
You're eruptions and disasters
I keep calm admiring your lava
I keep calm
Possibly maybe probably love
possibly maybe probably love
Electric shocks
I love them!
With you - dozen a day
But after a while I wonder
Where's that love you promised me?
Where is it?
Possibly maybe probably love, possibly
Possibly maybe probably love, possibly
How can you offer me love like that?
My heart's burned
How can you offer me love like that?
I'm exhausted
Leave me alone
Possibly maybe possibly maybe
possibly maybe
Since we broke up
I'm using lipstick again
I suck my tongue
In rememberence of you...."
Bjork helps me find my happy place again.
Smooch ♥
"I've got a hunger and just can't seem to get full..."
The web cam is being parked for a moment. Video bloggage WILL happen, just bear with me. Thank you all for your questions and suggestions (
), they will be put to good use soon.
I'm actually pretty excited about doing a video blog. Those I've seen from members, friends, & SG's so far really give you a feel for the person. I, myself, am not the easiest person to get to know, so I'm happy I'll have an outlet for allowing you all a little peek at what makes me tick.
In case no one has noticed, I'm slowly driving myself mad with want for human contact. In layman's terms, yes, I'm fucking horny. No, that's not an offer. I miss affection, snuggles, cuddles, and most of all kissing. I miss the closeness it brings between two people, the unspoken bond, the comfort level & security. Long distance relationships leave much to be desired. But, meh, I did this to myself, I did, that's why it really hurts.
My honey was involved in a bank robbery at work, this week. Had a gun pointed at him. This really freaked him (& me) out, I think he wants to quit and give something else a try. Can't say I blame him. This combined with the fact that my job has pretty damn good money making possibilities may make our gameplan have to stretch a little further. I may not be moving there come Spring. I WILL get there, but it may be best for us both if I stay here just a little longer.
I REALLY REALLY miss him, but I must say alot of my SG friends help me fill the void. There are a few of you I don't know what I'd do without. I'm so very enamoured of you all, so very taken. This site has changed my life in so many ways, and that has everything to do with the amazing people I've met here. I can't tell you all enough how very blessed I feel to have you in my life.
Oh, yeah, I'm thinking about making arrangements for a road trip to oh Canada. I need to get my ass out of hibernation, and there are a few people I want to go up there to meet. I want to start doing the road trip thing, I never go freaking anywhere, time to remedy this.. So if you've talked long distance hang outs with me and would like a visit, call me out on it. I need to get used to travel, lord knows I'll be doing a hell of alot of it soon.
Ahhh.....lazy Sunday. I love it. I woke up to pumpkin pancakes and coffee, and I'm just gonna lounge the rest of the day away curled up with my mini bong (her name's twisted sister. Yes, i name my pieces, I'm cheesy like that) and some Netflix movies. I rented "1408", can't wait to see it. I ♥ John Cusack.
Smooches by the tons.
The web cam is being parked for a moment. Video bloggage WILL happen, just bear with me. Thank you all for your questions and suggestions (
), they will be put to good use soon.I'm actually pretty excited about doing a video blog. Those I've seen from members, friends, & SG's so far really give you a feel for the person. I, myself, am not the easiest person to get to know, so I'm happy I'll have an outlet for allowing you all a little peek at what makes me tick.
In case no one has noticed, I'm slowly driving myself mad with want for human contact. In layman's terms, yes, I'm fucking horny. No, that's not an offer.
I miss affection, snuggles, cuddles, and most of all kissing. I miss the closeness it brings between two people, the unspoken bond, the comfort level & security. Long distance relationships leave much to be desired. But, meh, I did this to myself, I did, that's why it really hurts.My honey was involved in a bank robbery at work, this week. Had a gun pointed at him. This really freaked him (& me) out, I think he wants to quit and give something else a try. Can't say I blame him. This combined with the fact that my job has pretty damn good money making possibilities may make our gameplan have to stretch a little further. I may not be moving there come Spring. I WILL get there, but it may be best for us both if I stay here just a little longer.
I REALLY REALLY miss him, but I must say alot of my SG friends help me fill the void. There are a few of you I don't know what I'd do without. I'm so very enamoured of you all, so very taken. This site has changed my life in so many ways, and that has everything to do with the amazing people I've met here. I can't tell you all enough how very blessed I feel to have you in my life.
Oh, yeah, I'm thinking about making arrangements for a road trip to oh Canada. I need to get my ass out of hibernation, and there are a few people I want to go up there to meet. I want to start doing the road trip thing, I never go freaking anywhere, time to remedy this.. So if you've talked long distance hang outs with me and would like a visit, call me out on it. I need to get used to travel, lord knows I'll be doing a hell of alot of it soon.
Ahhh.....lazy Sunday. I love it. I woke up to pumpkin pancakes and coffee, and I'm just gonna lounge the rest of the day away curled up with my mini bong (her name's twisted sister. Yes, i name my pieces, I'm cheesy like that) and some Netflix movies. I rented "1408", can't wait to see it. I ♥ John Cusack.
Smooches by the tons.
Ok, so I'm thinking I may purchase a webcam with part of my first paycheck. I shouldn't but I want one bad.
So expect the possiblity of a Connie video blog this weekend. Gimme something to talk about, questions and what not. Plz.
Tomorrow I get to go on a "truck roll" with a technician. Not looking forward to this so much, but it will learn me a thing or two so I guess that's good. Something about riding around for 8 hours with a complete stranger, alone, doesn't make me jump for joy.
This upcoming weekend, now THAT is what will make me jump for joy. I have MUCH to look forward to. Paycheck, cash in mah pocket, company......Good fucking times.
Smooch
So expect the possiblity of a Connie video blog this weekend. Gimme something to talk about, questions and what not. Plz.
Tomorrow I get to go on a "truck roll" with a technician. Not looking forward to this so much, but it will learn me a thing or two so I guess that's good. Something about riding around for 8 hours with a complete stranger, alone, doesn't make me jump for joy.
This upcoming weekend, now THAT is what will make me jump for joy. I have MUCH to look forward to. Paycheck, cash in mah pocket, company......Good fucking times.
Smooch
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