so, i fear all the strides and gains i have made this year in learning the arts of mixed martial arts ring fighting are for not, i do not believe i will be able to afford the time off to train for usa team trials and i feel that the stress of my finances life and family will leave me not so much as untrained but uninspired for a potential amature fight, to quote the great science fiction warrior gurnie hallack, fighting is not for moods or inspiration, i will lower my head tuck my chin and grind one out but i haven't felt this trapped by the consequences of my actions since she was born, i hate the hollidays, the time off, lack of over time, fuck, four years of dedication to this career down the shitter, i once worked 18 fourteen hour days straight. i feel i start this knew year the same way i started when i got of the fucking plane, broke, scared and alone. now she wants more and i have to say no, what a fucking shit storm, i don't think anyones told this woman no her whole life, no with authority, no that denies what she wants not what she needs, she'll get it from her parents and then her parents will make sure to let me know in public that since i "can't" they will cause there grand daughter means everything to them and then they will tell her in front of me that since i can't they will. alone, is what the friends family lovers and aquantences tell me i am not, but they don't know they don't go to her family outings to be double triple reinforced into the outside, i can't wait till i am told when her birthday party will be, and i can't wait to tell them no and how rude they all are, fucking selfish irvine cunts

placed third in the 200lb/90kg wieght class in the us open pankration tournement in santa ana ca last month which means i qualify for the the us team tryouts in july for worlds in september this could be really awesome.

work sucks my show is so fucking boring, and i just need the sag vote to come around no so this city will start booming again.

baby's happy and healthy, staying up in hollywood with me for th3e first time and we're taking a nap and a trip to target later

this is the 2nd of four fights I had back in April, and was the only tournie i did since i started training 11 months ago that I was actually prepared for. competed at light heavy weight(190-205)

Eloise Mary Grey Miller, born 4:45pm May 6 2008, 9.3 lbs and 20.75 inches

this whole father thing is pretty fuck'n sweet dudes and dudettes, haley(baby moma) got pretty banged up through the 17 hours of labor so she's moving in with her parents down in san clemente for the next couple weeks, and yeah, I'm a fucking dad dude.

one month till baby town, it's weird cause knowbody at work really knows and i'm trying to pick up one of the stand ins. it really feels weird.

made weight for the tournement, fought four fights at 201lbs, cut fifteen and really need to find a better way, 2-2 won the first lost the second in double overtime, won the third fight in a shut out, but lost the fourth fight in o.t. again that was the worst, one victory away from a medal round, so so far in my first nine months of training, 2-5 record, i think thats pretty good considering my work schedule and time si can train a week.

76 hours last week, ana d this week we have three locations and one bus too, fuck man i think i may get a new job next march and day play for a while, we'll see if i can live conservatively enough.

SoCal pankration state tournie is in a couple weeks and it's time to buckle down and hit the weights, hit the mat and get crazy, 3 weeks i think i should be able to make weight and if i ca make weight there are no excuses.

T-minus 2 months and i'm getting excited, i really want to meet my daughter. I guess its a 50-30-20 split between elouise, penelope and matilda, elouise being the front runner.

works good and thats that, 12 60 48 word to your motha

prep on my show starts this thursday, shooting next tuesday.

my parents come into town the 13th so i'm getting drive ons for them to come watch the shoot that friday, and then i'm taking em to roller derby saturday night, i really want to contact the LA derby dolls about season tickets.

redsox and dodgers , black keys and giagantour with megadeth and high on fire. this spring is gonna be intense.

fuck,i want the baby to be hear so i can get on with my life, i want the writers to work really fucking fast so i can get back to work, i want to meet a woman who knows what she wants so i can stop wasting mt energy, i want my arm to get better now so i can train, i'm tired of being patiant, i know i'm lucky i have my health and family, just want to move on with what needs to move on, god fucking dammit.

so I hate san francisco, I hate valentines day, I hate taxes, I hate babies, but this saturday is rollerberby, so i think i'll make it out of febuary alive and ticking.

oh, and fuck the wga and the studios for making sure the last 3 and a half months put thousands of lives into the preasure cooker, above the line diva cock sucking anal breeder fuck heads......

fuck,,, fuck,,, FUCK.

i now it's sad to live vicariously through proffesional sports, and i do it's true i haven't srtapped on a helmet and shoulder pads since the old college glory days (99'-03') but fuck man, i'm just down and out in 2008, really just disapointing i'm just glad the, i'm not the mannings won again and it's depressing.

next tournement march 16th, gonna compete at 200lbs, wieghing in at 211.4 right now so 200 is very realistic.