goodness gracious, i'm on kauai.

but it's my last day. i leave late tonight, back in nyc mid-day tomorrow.

my girlfriend is sleeping. we camped again last night and she, apparently, didn't get any rest.

it's really amazing here, but i can't say that i've had the BEST TIME EVAR because of so much drama.



i'm anxious to get home.
it's funny to me the way that happens, though - i'm in "paradise" and i am so looking forward to flying back into the icy grey of the big apple and slinking up the stairs to my tiny little nest.

so much life is falling into place.
i'm still just in awe of how things come together and how eyes/minds open more and more ... some of the best times are when you're stretched to what you'd perceived to be your limit and then when "it" finally snaps, you're still in tact.
there's this imagery i get about that, about it being my real body (all the psyche issues, etcetera) and pulling, pulling, tensing, relaxing, just pressure until the moment when there really is nothing left for me to do and it all falls apart but after the daze i stumble halfway over to my feet again and pat my body still all together.

mleh.

my thanksgiving dinner was great.
we had another shindig similar to last year but in brooklyn this time.
i missed my mom and brother and all of them, but us girlfriends got quite the lovely meal together and many friends came to join and after dinner and into the third bottle of champagne, i went with two lovelies to gather up my "boyfriend" from the subway station and escort him back to our festivities. that resulted in some pretty sexy-hot stuff on the roof and i feel good about where i might be with the man.

i met him at the office. before my department relocated to the other side of the river, he called needing help with some work and so ensued the back and forth over the phone by professional ways. then came some hard-core flirting and his insistance that i join him for drinks as a thank you ... apparently he felt like i'd pleasantly done for him in forty-five minutes what would have taken him hours and hours. we emailed and talked the work lines ... there were some pretty funny instances but mostly i guess ice-breakers even though i was still nervous to meet him or whatever.
but the pace has been really great - in the ... month (?) that i've known him we've seen each other probably five or six times. there was sex the night before i came here but next time i swear i'll be closer to sober.
he's mostly just REALLY interesting and easy for me but still a challenge because we like to banter, it seems. i'm amused, for certain. and he's handsome. and he has his shit together and i can both admire him and feel equal but in completely different ways, somehow. and i think maybe he just humors me.
he hopes to get a project in Paris when what he's currently working on is finished up, so some of my comfort is also in knowing that this probably won't last forever, if not very long at all. but i like him. and i'm very much enjoying him. and even though i'm a tiny bit afraid, i'm all in it.

there are roosters everywhere here.
i kindof actually like waking up to their cockadoodle-doo's.
we've mostly been camping, but a couple of nights that we've stayed here at eeb's i've heard this really sick sounding boy-hen ... it's more like cockadoodle-ew the way he starts off good and then scratches it completely in that last syllable.
funny.

i have errands to run while she's resting.
life here is so different.
we shower in the back yard, turning the water heater on and off as needed. the toilet room was added on recently, but you can see through the cracks in the walls ... we use the kitchen sink for everything else. it's not bad, but the termites are scary ... her roommate raises rabbits for his own food and has this massive garden that he keeps and sustains himself on and supplies local restaurants with.

snorkeling was fun. watching the outriggers was beautiful. i've met lots of people and shrugged off lots of boys. i had a little tryst, but it's all under wraps - funny about that is how the guy's name is the same as my guy's name and spelled the same and all ... just silly and coincidental.
and i haven't been burned.
the drama and b.s. with the girl have been almost more than i can handle and has definitely dampened my fun, but i've learned a lot about the person and the relationship and myself, of course, and i think i'll make it out okay, even if there is loss involved.

i'm hungry.
i have stuff to do.
that's all for now.

maybe i'll be back again in no time.

cheers...

sooooo...
about that update .......






hi!


~

the church bells just rang from across the street.
it's very sweet to hear the song and then expect another number of seconds to pass with the gonging of the time, but it's only just one oclock.

i'm in sarah's "hateful little corner" ... a sturdy red hutched desk shoved into the corner farthest from the cozy bed - but there's a window. there's a cat. there's a rolly chair and good music attached.
a pleasant smell of cleaning products floats in through the screen from one of the establishments below her second-floor brooklyn apartment.
she's camping with friends in one of the virginias. i'm doing as i typically do and staying here for spurts of time tending to her cat and generally making myself at home.
quite honestly, i do consider this home. part of it, i suppose.

i'm comfortable today.
last night i went with mountaincloud to her boyfriend's house and we had dinner. i left a really good bottle of scotch over there, though. she said she'd bring it back to me (i really hope so - pincher me paid big bucks for it and haven't had a sip) ... so i left her there with the boy and the bottle and slept with cats, but otherwise alone, in my own bed.
i watched television this morning - that used to hardly happen, but since the girl has been staying with me i haven't kept the tube screen closed for many consecutive hours, much less hung up the collage.

so much change, so little time.

i thought about going to the beach today but changed my mind.
i'm sure i'd've enjoyed myself there, but i felt more like spending time here and preparing for the evening.
i hope my stepherson follows through with a plan she mentioned to me. i should contact her.
i had my cell phone shut off in an effort to disappear and get time with myself using that method, but it hasn't proven to be the best way to be unknown. i'm a softy, sometimes.

there's this other boy i've been crazy about.
vitamine says it's been over for months, but i hardly see where we'd ever begun in a way to take it seriously.
vimmerin says i'm just boy crazy, but i think it takes a special kind of boy.
anyway - it's just another example of "not working out", so we've been friends regardless of the conflict of interests
i'm tellin' ya - this crush (see profile) is going to be with me to my deathbed. but let's not actually make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

one friend muses that i'm not happy,
and what's heartbreaking about that idea is that i am,
just not in regards to the man of my love-life.
and finding others that interest me enough in a similar manner is just try-try-again, i guess.
it's silly to think i compare, either. but without some certain bit of comparison, i sell myself short, wouldn't we guess.
all in a good way, maybe.
or not, i don't know.

i've gotta run to the market.
lee and i are planning some time together tomorrow and i'm in charge of food (she's got the wine).
i want to make a green salad with lime juice and feta cheese (other stuff, too - basil, onions, tomato) ... i'll blend up a carrot sauce tonight and carry it over for a vegetable couscous and hopefully i can find some kind of something to go well with the merlot.
but i've gotta go get all the stuff and i'd like to use these last hours of daylight to do it.
at seven p.m. i'm pushing it.

that british comedy with hyacinth is on the pbs. i rented two movies on my way around the neighborhood. the guy at the video store is cute. the sample lady at the wine shop came on to me. i passed by some adorable couples and spent fifty dollars on various supplies - probably enough for several days including that special meal.

i think some of the girls are going out tonight. they'd asked me to bug them about hang-time, but i'd much rather slice a peach into the bottle of white wine i bought and set stuff aside for tomorrow, make the sauce i have planned and prepare a dinner for myself from what's left hanging around.
oh, i'm excited about the vegetable terrine and the mushroom pate i bought as appetizers.
before i go over to the girl's house, i'm hoping to buy a bike in jersey.
this is beginning to sound more and more ridiculous to me because i'm intending to carry an entire evening's meals for two across the river, buy a bicycle, and then get it all on/off the train and over some number of blocks to the girl's apartment.
am i out of my mind and over-ambitious? NO! you're not allowed to tell me that. i'll just have to find myself at the bottom of stairs tomorrow and shake my head at lofty ideas and laugh and carry on and triumph with my breath when it's all said and done.

whatever.

time for me to get a move on.

sorry no funnies today. i'm just feeling like rambling, you know.
speaking of which - how about some zeppelin?

there's so much more "drama" than i'm letting loose.
but this, too, shall pass.

so,
here's this really fun exercise (there are lots, i'll try to just be random here, k ...
as though that's some new thing for me, heh)



so,
like...
subdue yourself.
for a long time.
do it because you kindof have to, though, because if you don't,
if you DON'T,
you'll overwhelm yourself.

the other day i left this silliest of voicemails and then i called again a while later to talk into the same message machine about how silly i can be and how much i can be weird and how, sometimes, it's just hard to live with myself.

so after you've done this subduction (is that a word? ... webster i'm coming ... no i don't mean that short guy from eighties television who snuck upstairs behind the grandfather clock, and no i don't mean that i've been stimulated so well that my beautiful reproductive organs are dribbling evidence ... what i mean is that i need some reference material to figure out "subduction")
so it's a word, but not exactly the word i was looking for, but semi-metaphorically applies, plus you're onto my initial intention, so we're going with that one.
uhm.
after the subduction, after you've dragged yourself down,
let go.
just ... be convinced you were only born yesterday ...
that you were only born yesterday and you believe that everything is really good.
i mean, so what if you've always stood by some sense of the perfection of existence as is,
just ... do it - believe that your dreams can come true.
i promise you'll be surprised. and if your dreams don't come true,
just keep believing, but don't depend on anyone in that codependent way. and be really special about who you rely on. make sure they know you and you know them. be sure you're in love - and this doesn't have as much to do with sexuality or whatever, being in love.
know yourself. you were born yesterday, remember. you are exactly as you are and it's perfect, remember?

okay.
just checking.
not that it makes too much sense, but i'm doing this for me.

and now,
after a word from our sponsor,
we have "commentary"

dear renaud,
your internship sounds super exciting.
i'm fine, thanks ... i've just been chillin' - working, the job is fine. i haven't been to the jazz club recently and it's a shame. i miss my girl who works there. but i just have to be pretty particular about what i spend my time doing and i'd rather hang out with my girl where we're not at her work and where we can hear each other or just party down. i haven't been to the restaurant in months and i'm really okay with that. it's interesting. sometimes i feel a little irked that i came here with one idea in mind and i haven't really followed through with it, but it's sortof the story of my life. the chef was burnt out, i was exhausted from having four hours' sleep on the regular, and i did some other thinking/seeking and just determined that i'm okay this way ... for now. i can bet i'll change my mind and motivate in some direction soon.
the bunch is good. five of us recently went to california together - wine country... it was beautiful. i met up with vim and his little sweetness and we drank wine and hung around on a bunch of beautiful property. my mouth waters just thinking about it. my phone still works. i have your number too. we're lazy, aren't we? haha! and busy, i know.
no worries - things are just dandy.

dear vitamin e,
i love you and you know it. you love me, and you make it clear, somehow. we know the whole story about your comment by now. i'll see you on thursday.

dear zephyra,
i miss you. i miss you i miss you, i miss you. but from time to time i can get on this here website and catch up a bit. it seemed to me, last time i checked, that you have got it made!

you so deserve it.

dear X1,
i miss you, also. i miss your voice, too. i think it's special that we can listen to each other through little drawn lines. OR BIG ONES!
there are lots of things i think of when i remember you. i darenot say there aren't enough. i make with what i've got.
but that doesn't make the first part of this paragraph untrue.
it's so fascinating to me how we miss and know and cherish people for their very own individuality. it's interesting for me to think about what we get from them versus what others do. ah... my brain gets bonkers when i want to be with you right now. weird.
kiss the chop, will you - i mean, y'know, an extra one from me.

dear hollygolightly,
i had a great time that night, though i don't remember what night it was or what we were doing but i DO remember that i spoke with you though i don't remember what i said.
you can tell greg whatever whatever yourself. he's a good man.
get thee here quickly. nyc can be one hell of a ride... i think you'll be very much in love, but you know what they say about that kind of thing -
or maybe not, but it's just as hard as it is easy, it's stronger than softer, it's a lot of fun, for sure. we can take it together, but i'll give you a headstart because i'm taking my sweet time right these days.

dear littlecooter,
dear, dear littlecooter. i miss you, too. a lot.
i look at our pictures a lot and it makes me feel funny. i think we'd be good best friends. i just, as you were telling the story, imagined us living together and although i've never lived with a woman before (besides my mother and the standard short stays, etc, and that's also about to change for a longish bit) i think we'd be swell together.
there's lots about you that i should marry. i was thinking and talking after you had gone, maybe i even told you - i hope so, that i felt so much more at home having you here. i know it could be anywhere,
but i want to encourage you to keep going and believing that you can do that travel nurse thing because age is an attitude and you'll be ON IT. i want to know about your summer classes and your R.N. status and all kinds of stuff. i'll try to read up,
but i also want you to know that you can't go around thinking you're responsible for that man or the love between you alone... if it works it works and if it's real you can come back to it and ... who the hell knows if they don't proof it out?
i miss looking into your windows. it's achey like that, i miss it so.

dear helper,
hey there, mister.
it's funny you use that quote because i've lately been super literal about that word "disappointment".
it's good meeting you, too. will i see you thursday? i hope so. we should do a cheer together. i want you to help me make noise, or make other people make noise, or something!

soon, then?

dear cupofkarma,
i went to cali for the fourth!
actually, we came back ON the fourth, but five of us, all female, went to northern california to hang out with one of the girls' parents. they have a lot of gorgeous property and a house to accomodate a large family and we all felt super welcome. we went wine tasting and picnicing and hiking and we visited a cold coast and hung out and ate lots and laughed and swam and basked in the brilliant sun and i met vim and smiled so much i think my face just felt like falling off.
i'm giddy about it. but that's what i did. i watched fireworks on t.v. from the plane. how about you? did you have much fun?

dear helper,
you're clever. that's super cute.

dear pmvirgin,
where'd you go, dude? i am "back".
happy days!
thank you. what about silly songs?!?!

dear masaba,

i miss you, too. i want to see you when i come to dallas in the winter.
thank you for not banishing me but i'd've tracked you down if you had.

dear helper,
thanks for another message. it's nice that you're persistent and come here to check it out.
i added you as a friend now, so you can watch if i ever update, though it's obviously seldom.
thursday thursday thursday!!!

dear hollygolightly,
missss youuuuu!

dear littlecooter,
i haven't been on. the only computer i can ever get to is a friend's or the one at the library or the pay ones or work. work is most often available but of course has places like THIS blocked! i'm gonna take your suggestion and look at julie.
hmmmm.





so alright then.
that's that for now.
i'll be back.
maybe even TOMORROW!!!!!

ding dong

the wind through the window turns the blades in the fan ... the motor isn't on.

peanut butter on a spoon. crunchy.
cold brown rice leftover from a thai meal.

my nose is runny. it doesn't have as much to do with the green coconut curry as it does allergies and trying to kick a cold.
i stayed home from work today. i'm going in the morning to make up for some of the boredom.

i was restless in his presence this evening and he wasn't sure how to handle it. we just sat around together, basically.
i got some stuff done.
i explained how missing someone is trying.

i "happy birthday"ed a month early. i laughed out loud when pointed out,
but that's part of what i mean about a trial.
you are always on my mind.

allison writes that neither is for me,
but we don't think it makes much difference.
maybe i'm just keeping myself busy?
bored has more to do with me than them, though.

some things change and we behave though they're catalysts.
we act out and settle in.
it's okay.
i painted my nails tonight. java mauve-a and dulce de leche.
it's more pink than it may seem.

so could anything be.

work, more work,
some social stuff and good people and good times.
some avoidance and delving into uncharted territory...
some quiet observation...

some hot water with lemon and honey.
some lady grey and oatmeal with berries.

orange sheets and shaved legs.
a phone call to make and nothing to expect.

i'm anxious. obviously.
i have dreams about what i can't even imagine as it actually is.
i find some fun in that but a setup for disappointment.
i know, i believe, i have experienced, that i make the best of what i can...
and then manifestation. it's exciting - i urge it up with my energy, i stress myself out positvely or like negative,
and pause again over and over to be here now.

messages delivered.
best for now.

so, didn't you know that it'd only be a short matter of time after courtney left and emek joined before i came back to kick around in this joint?

some of what i love about nyc:
it fits me just fine and i can act out or be anonymous and it doesn't make much difference except to certain individuals.
that you have to walk if you want to make it.
i love to ride my bicycle.
i can be at the beach or in the city in less than an hour.
diversity.
shopping as i've never appreciated it in my life.
bridges.
some of the very best friends i've ever known.
being so accustomed to travelling without moving.
crazies.
stark contrast.
life in the fast lane and aching to get away only to miss it while i'm gone.
so much time to read.
stoop sales and trash to find treasure in.

lots and lots more that just is what it is right now.



~-~


i'm in my best girl's apartment.
she's gone to a movie in the city with another girl we love, recently moved from dallas to join a group of us connected here.
i'm going to time out and watch a movie using the vcr because i still live in modest conditions and don't have the proper electronics to enjoy a movie from my room. and i'm okay with that.
i make myself at home and nuzzle the cat i've tempered my allergy to by persistent exposure and buy cider at the bodega on the corner.
i'm sunburned in some spots and healthily colored in others from a day at the beach with four other beauties. i can almost admit i'm one of them, but it's only what people say. i'm neither this nor that at any given moment - i could be anything, i suppose.

i like to be silly. i like to visit friends who are in other cities nearby. i take buses or trains to boston and d.c. i want to visit phili and fly to toronto at some point.
i miss driving sometimes.

it's raining now.
the season reminds me of monsoons in arizona.
yesterday when i got off the train at my stop in brooklyn, it had begun raining hard but the sun was still out. i couldn't keep my smile from interrogating my ears about their standpoint on my head. "move out of our way," insinuated my cheeks and the corners of my mouth.

the gray accentuates the green. the streets smell like bodies and dirt.
the city hums behind the drizzling. eventually you can play ear games with the noise and let it blur into something that might sound like waves in an ocean.

i'm just diggin' over here, though.

i hope that this membership will give me further incentive to buy a farking computer. it's on my list of things to do but hanging onto dollars in this city is a serious commitment.

in a month i'll be in my own apartment.
i'm moving up a flight of stairs in the house i've lived in since i got here.
i'm in love with the family who owns the place, though they're looking to move into something more accomodating for their growing family.
but this tiny flight up will afford me my own sanctuary so far as a place goes ... and it has air conditioners.
i can hardly wait, but i'm practicing patience.

i'll go now.
i have hellos to dish out and a video to push play on.

shock the

i cut off my hair.
it's less than chin-length now.

how's about that?
it's very fun, and i feel like me again. silly how a little change can make a whole world feel better.

that's the only big news i have, really.

i'd thought about changing up my living situation but i'm still not really sure what i'm going to do. more thinking and little time to decide.

the wolf is coming in again next weekend. in the midst of a house and pet sitting spree for me. first i thought we'd be shacking up in one couple's space but then i remembered that another friend is going to paris that weekend, so i will call the couple's friend and alternate those days with him so that j and i will be in brooklyn for the weekend, or most of it, or something.

something something something.

my girl, sarah, and i are hanging around her space listening to her most recent mix of music celebrating the wonderful women we are.
we sit around some evenings, drinking wine and contemplating whether or not to buy tobacco products to pollute our lungs with. most of the time we cave in, but we get our little buzz on, and hug and kiss and smile and cry and ponder what our future could be and how much we love in this day.

it's a fabulous existence, guys and dolls,

what a beautiful winter to remember such things.
because no matter how far we go, some things remain the same...
most of them, actually - all that matters.

nothin's gonna change my world,
never tear us apart,
some day someone's gonna ask you a question you should say yes to,
i'm walking away...

p.s.
please email me your contact information again - phone numbers.
since i lost my phone, i have no way of reaching you once i'm in the dfw in a few weeks.
three weeks from now i will arrive and be around for approximately five days,
i'd like to see you.

and a happy thanksgiving day to you all as well.
i'm not 'celebrating' until tomorrow.
i'm in an internet cafe waiting for the wolf to arrive. he should be here in about an hour, if we're still following the plan we agreed on.

i lost my cell phone. i feel like a doofus about it,
but what did i do before i had one,
the same things i will continue to do, y'know?

i write all this stuff in a little memo pad i carry around in my wallet. i think to transcribe some of it, but it's just second-hand by the time it reaches a screen.

i thought i had something to say when i got here.
i've spent the morning cleaning my girlfriend's apartment for the big shebang we're having there tomorrow.
people in from dallas, upstate, girls i haven't met... we're feeding between ten and fifteen people, all of us are contributing something, if not just the amazing company.

mom surprised me and sent me a ticket to dallas for the end of december.
i'll arrive on saturday the 25th and stay until the middle of the following week.

i've taken a hiatus from some things in my life and i've recently had what i'm fondly referring to as an epiphany

this city is so awesome, but i'm so not going to live here forever. i was thinking about lots of other places, but i'm still working on visiting to see what i really think when i get there or there or there.

so much traveling planned for the next couple years. it feels like that's what i'm saving my money for -
not that i've been saving any money. bad penny.

i'm going back to boston in january to see some girls and then in february i've dubbed a great friend my valentine, so i'll get a cheap flight up for a long weekend and spend some snowy days in toronto, watching movies, flipping out, and drinking warming beverages.

it's all very exciting.
i'm so happy that there's the hum of sadness behind all of my elation.
i was nearly in a panic yesterday and had managed to keep it down for a while and then my best friend here called me at work and i just wanted to nestle my head into her shoulder and cry. she and i are so much alike, we both agree... it's a wonder we get along so well


still no hot sex. not that i'm interested, though i still have so many opportunities.
i did the first major let down of this city's courters the other day and the guy called me yesterday again! he said he wouldn't call anymore, but then he did and his excuse was that he's a gentleman.
i don't understand. but whatever.
i read a silly book that the girls have been passing around and it was somewhat enlightening on some degrees, but i just don't want to apply it to my self or my life - i still like giving everyone their right to individuality. and in certain instances, what i 'learned' doesn't apply.

blah blah blah

i have so much to do.
i'm going now. i'd like to look up some recipes and i have to meet j and i have some shopping to do, though i may wait until tomorrow morning. not really sure. it's a weird one - things are closed today because it's a "holiday" and tomorrow my neighborhood shuts down for shabbat.
soooo...
i'm gonna do what i can do while i can do it


do it do it do it.

i'm in my girl friend's apartment...
i am wearing diamond earrings passed down from my mother, a hair band around my right wrist and another tiny one around my left ring finger.

comfort and convenience for a short time.
her apartment is much easier access to the city for me, but i miss my place.
another friend suggested today that i don't like being in my room. and it's not really that.

there is a candle lit, evocative music on, the lights are closed.
it's getting cold outside. it's fun to notice the chill and to watch my condensed breath escape in front of me.
but it's not too bad, really. it will be worse


this song sings that she wants her old friends and her old face,
sometimes i feel that way, though simultaneously i feel like i still have all that...
i see movies in music the way i replay memories in my mind.
a friend told me that i write that way... that something i put down the other day was vivid, she was with me through that expression.
i think it's neat.

bedtime for bonzo.
i'm glad you're well, really.

see you again soon.

it's very interesting,
the way we learn and grow...

taking an objective view is difficult sometimes...
pursuing what we believe to be in our best personal interests is something to develop strength on.
expanding the threshold upon which we base our means of expression is hard work and worth it.

and sometimes we think we are something we're not.

lovely is as lovely does.

balance is not necessarily boring.

i search your profile
for a translation
i study the conversation
like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
and stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have all night
'cause i am not done looking, yet

and each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
and if you won't give it to me
at least give me
a better view

come here
and stand in front of the light
now stand still
so that i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have all night
'cause i'm not done looking
no, no

and i build each one
of my songs
out of glass
so you will see me inside them
i suppose
you could just leave the image of me
in the background, i guess
and uh,
watch your own reflection
superimposed

and i,
i build each one of my days out of hope
and i give that hope your name and
and i don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same
and i want you to
come here
and stand in front of the light
stand still
so i can see your silhouette
i hope
you have got all night
'cause i am not done looking

i search your profile for a translation
i study the conversation like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

~ ani difranco