And again.. mysteriously reactivated.. sigh.

somehow, somewhere, someone has re-activated my account.

I'm not going by HonkyMoFoChris anymore, just good old chriswparker.

Anyway, my account reactivation benefactor has remained anonymous, so I thank you. I think...

I left SG for a few reasons. I won't go into them now, or here.

I'm ok, living in Manchester now, with my lady, pretty happy.

I've got other blogs on http://blog.chriswparker.co.uk

I'm working this thru iPhone at the mo, not got the intraweb here yet, so if ya wanna contact me, it'll be easier thru chris@chriswparker.co.uk
Ta!

i'm in love with this girl.....



ok, she's only a cartoon strip called Nemi, butmakes me chuckle at times, and I found that one strangely erotic... ha ha!

anyway, sorry I haven't been updating much. I've no excuse, just laziness, and I haven't even been on SG much.

so what's new? hmmm... not much. been dating and screwing and allsorts, which has been fun. Jodie's been round a good few times, still not over her ex, but happy with a good friend and some horizontal fun. Naomi's still with her husband, but still likes to go out and dance and kiss and flirt with me, and occasionally fuck like rampant bunnies too. tho she was a bit distant last night. hey, it's a free world, she can do what she wants, as long as she's ok. Grace I'm just leaving alone, leaving things as being just friends, it's for the best. and it's nice to have foxy 6ft blonde friends! I collect them. The friday I met a vegan feminist animal rights activist, and a beautiful and beautifully tattooed woman, for coffee and a bit of fun. if there was someone who's passions were the polar oppostie the myself, the feminist vegan animal rights is probably it, considering I'm a carnivore, and tho not a mysoginyst, and all up for empowerment to women, I dunno if, well, erm.. got myself tongue tied I think there. anyway, you know what I mean. I can be a charmer and a cheeky scoundrel at times, and not what I thought attractive personality traits to a feminist.

feminism is not a dirty word. neither is being vegan, but on a site like this, I expect there are a lot more vegans than there are old dinosaur carnivores like myself.

had a couple of weeks off work, back again monday, and got a photoshoot too, more of stuff like this...



which was from my last shoot.

anyway, hope you're all well. x x x

Ok… update!

I've been in bother for not updating my blog... so here we go… hmmmm

Firstly, my poor laptop is being fixed, cos this morning it didn't wanna wake up, I kept prodding it, and switching it on, but to no avail… *sob* it's got to the laptop doctor to see if he can revive it. Fingers crossed. It feels like I've lost a limb, I've lost contact with the outside world, maybe I spend too much time online? Maybe there's not enough fun in the real world to take me away from being offline. Even my offline friends, real tangible people are online half the time. And I know my online friends are real tangible people, but most of them I've never met. No matter touched to see if there were real, ha ha!

Though on the subject of laptops, I am waiting work to buy me a new Mac laptop. Hmmm…. Nice. Work is good. But after the effort of putting the exhibition together, and the stress of the split from the ex a few months ago, I'm getting lazy again. Probably because there's not much to do at the mo. Next week is busy, but all I've done in the past 2 weeks is sit on my arse in the office, bacon butties for breakfast, Guinness for lunch, in danger of putting the weight back on. Though come September, I'll be mega busy, full time technician and full time student too! Cripes!

Ok… Ladies. You wanna know about ladies. There's none at the mo, none I've had my hands on. There's the one who will be out again soon, and I can't wait to see her. But she's made it very clear that she's not looking for anything more than a 'special friend' ha ha! I would like to get to know her a lot better than I do at the mo though; we never spent enough time with each other before she had to go away for a while. Another week and she'll be back on the scene.

Then there's one I made a mistake with. She came on too fast and too soon with me a while back, and I really did like her, but she'd read all my blogs and really knew where I was at. I ran a mile, and think in our own ways we both did mind games, though not intentionally, and I gave up. I've never been one to play the chasing game, and I left it. But I'm emotionally in a much better place than I was back then, and kicking myself because of it. I still don't really know what she wanted from it all, it did seem to change, but though she's talking to me again, I don't think she'd ever wanna see me again. That's a shame, and I have apologised to her.

And then there's the one who I do like, and she is single again now, but only recently, and it's been an upsetting time for her, and to be honest I'd rather be her friend as I am now than do something silly and make a move and spoil things. She does know how I feel, I'm sure of it. She was round with a few others at mine last night to watch a film, and was the last to leave, and wants to go for a couple of beers later. The thing is, is that I have always been crap at reading signals. I am an ex-genius, nuclear physics, languages, music (well not playing instruments, ha ha), and she could be out with me tonight and stand on the table in the pub, strip off and say 'I WANT YOU NOW CHRIS!' and I still wouldn't be sure if I made a move I'd be making a fool of myself. Ok, I exaggerate, but you know what I mean.

It's all a waiting game. But I know what will happen, as it always does, the girls will all express an interest all at once, and yet again, I'll end up with none! Ha ha!
There are girls I speak to online too, and we have a good laugh, a damn good laugh, and I often don't know what's happening there with some of them. Wait and see, Chris, have patience, and all will become clear.

Then there's the married ex, who told me she still loves me, and wants me, but she's married, kids an all, and though she's bored and frustrated, she needs to sort out what she wants for her own good, and not based on the few moments we have spent together since 2005.

When I give my heart, I give it completely. I have been burned too many times, and I am slower to give it now, I think. I hope. But once I have it is unconditional. It makes me cold and standoffish to know me to begin with. I know that. You can flirt with me, and I will flirt back tenfold, and you can come back to mine and I will exhaust myself to give pleasure, but to get my heart, it takes time, and there are so many barriers to break thru. I'm not the only one who needs patience. That isn't directed at anyone at all, it's just the facts, Ma'am.

All in all though, I'm good. Happy where I am, if lonely. I have friends, but I don't have companionship, and I will not rush to find it. I have a great job, a fucking career! Yay! A lovely flat, all the gadgets and toys a man could want (well will have when the laptop is fixed!). I just have to be patient for the non material things.

oh, and laptop is fixed now, yay!!!

I've got all good news... no bad news or sad stories at all

but...

I'm really hungover, and I can't find the energy to blog about it,

will tell later....

-------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, hangover gone...

Ok.. news, and it's all good.

I got my prized zippo lighter back from the zippo factory, it's had a service, and it all works wonderfully, lighting up cigarettes and stuff, just as it's supposed to. I've had it 16 years, and it's good to have it back, and I can dispose of the other zippo that mindy bought for me, that never bloody works...

... talking of whom, after a brief conversation with her on Sunday, I actually do feel I'm over her!

I was told a few weeks ago that it was official I was to be full time at work, and I was expecting September, but found out yesterday it's effective July 1st!

The exhibition opened last night...





Was an excellent night, really well received and I was happy with all the work it took to put it up. Much kudos received, was buzzing from it all, and did end up rather drunk, and one of my 19 yr old students was wanting to kiss me at 1am. I still had enough sense to not get carried away! ha ha!

I won the bet from last night with John, and was in work this morning before him, and he had to buy breakfast for me and Rich. Which we ate while watching Borat, and washed down with a bottle each of Bowland Brewery Cromwell Stout. At 9.30am. what a job eh! no wonder I'm excited about being full time, ha ha!

I've also been shown plans for the new HE building, it's 18 months away, but it's gonna be our empire! Ha ha ha!!!

I'm having a long weekend of doing little now. Got a half naked lap dancer wedding to shoot tomorrow, and I've also sold my soul and agreed to shoot 4 weddings next year, if the fella I shoot for buys me a Nikon D200 now, ha ha! And he's agreed to it.

See... it's all good news!

not much to tell really. exhibition opens on weds.

instead of moaning about ex's and being alone and stuff, Elliott Smith has said it all so much better.

then again...
this says it well too...

I really wasn't expecting to see Mindy in the market. I just wanted to buy some sausages, and enquire about sausage meat for the HE Photography Staff BBQ Great Scotch Egg Contest. Thinking about mixing the meat with apple, and some spices. hmm.. yummy.

but I turned a corner, and she was there walking towards me, with her fella. It was too late to turn around, cos we'd both seen each other, so just walked past. She smiled, and I think Rob didn't even know who I was. My heart started racing, and I felt a tightness in my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I had to get out. I went outside and sat on a bench for 5 mins till I'd calmed down.

It hurt like hell. it's been 3 months or more now, I don't wanna feel like this anymore. she messaged me on myspace a few days ago saying she'd been thinking about me. the anniversary of the first time I said those '3 little words'. she was in LA at the time, and she read about me knowing I loved her on my 9 June 2006 blog on here.

Well nothing has changed, as this morning, well afternoon, proved. I still love her. tho a year ago, she came home and 'it was brill' as she said, but this time, she's not coming back, and it hurts.

I wasn't expecting my reaction to be so severe too. I got home, I couldn;t carry on shopping, was hard enough just asking for 6 pork sausages, couldn;t speak, all I could hear was deafining white noise and the BOOM of my fast beating heart. I was confused and puddled by the time I got home. I intensely cleaned the house. it wasn't dirty at all, but needed the theraputic effect. followed by the theraputic effect of a few long whiskey + cokes. and too many cigarettes. I'm calmer now. think I might go out and get nastily drunk later.

In other news, yep, my website is back, but changed slightly. No longer is it chriswparker.COM, but now chriswparker.CO.UK. Please have a look, and tell me any comments or suggestions.

I'm also looking for projects to work on over summer. I'm doing some burlesque photography, but it's a saturated market. who wouldn't want to shoot a lot of lovely ladies in their finest smalls? But I have shot the lovely Willow, and think Diva Hollywood will be coming into the studio next month or the month after.

if you've got a local (to me) band, or something that you want capturing on camera, let me know. the weirder and stranger the better.

I'm full time at work from september, it's official. I'm also doing the full time 3rd year for my BA, and gonna be so damn busy doing both. it's gonna ba a challenge, but it's 9 months I suppose. it'll be worth it.

right now, I'm still just calming down. having another drink.

I have today witnessed the most intolerable cruelty.

Animals driven insane by captivity!

I was shopping for cat food in a large pet store earlier, and while browsing such cute things as rabbits and such, I had a gander at the sticky stick insects, and my gaze was diverted to a sign saying 'Hermit Crabs'.

Now for one thing, I never know hermit crabs made good pets. And for another, I never knew they lived in plastic trees!




Yes, you read that correctly. I have witnessed creatures, driven from there natural environments, forced to live in dry glass cages, and driven mad. Crabs do not belong in trees. See the photos, there were 3 of them, circled in red, up a plastic tree.

It's just not right. It confused me.

On the outside, I'm cool…

… but the inside is a cold rage, a burning desire, a frustrated man. Turmoil, anger, and insanity torment my soul, my very being.

Not all the time. Sometimes I am cool. Sometimes I am the coolest mutha that stalked the Great lands of Britain. But only sometimes.

The rest of the time a smile, or a look, hides my true temperament. Someone once called it the 'Fuck You' stare. Though a survey tells me she's the only one. I never even realised it. But she's an odd one. Yet another girl who blows hot and cold. But it's not her that boils my innards. She's been taken off my msn. I can't understand what she wants, and what she wants changes every other hour it seems, and I appear to live in another time zone.

Another girl I liked has been sent to prison, she made a mistake, a silly one, and a victimless crime, but the powers that be have sent her away, not for long, but it's extreme. Far too extreme, it makes me sick that scum get away with what they do, but an honest mistake will get you locked away. It's wrong, it really is.

It's not her that riles my skewed sense of reality.

It's been months now, I think it has anyway. I'm in my 2nd month of living here, and due to the excessive amounts of alcohol I consumed during the discovery of the affair, the admission, the discovery of the further lies, the final blow, means I'm not exactly sure how long I was crashing on a sofa before I moved here. I'm thinking months tho.

The letter that was promised has not materialised. I didn't think it would do. The youngsters have not had goodbyes. That breaks my heart again when the thought crosses my mind, which can be daily. The lies and the deceit still haunt me. At night I've often had the recurring dream of waking up back there, on the day it started, and no matter what I try to say or tell, it doesn't change anything, and still that night, she goes to the hotel, and still that night she's seduced by a fucking… anyway, I wake up, upset, and know I'm back in my bed, once our bed, and I'm alone, and not living there any more, but living here.

The fucking nasty trick she did on my birthday, the text, still hurts. It all hurts. I cannot see why she treat me so bad. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE IT?

Shouting has never really solved anything for me. Except for that one time in Crete. When I shout people listen, because I rarely, and I do mean hardly ever, shout. I don't even like to raise my voice just to be heard in a crowd. People do listen when I shout, but in the end, no one pays heed to my warnings. Though I've discovered keeping calm and reasonable never works either. Does it?

Fucking hell, I miss them all so much it really hurts.

well... last weds, my birthday, was out alone cos my friends let me down, and the ex text me to say her phone was expiring at midnight.

I emailed her asking why she should pick such an opportune moment as to text me late, knowing well it was my birthday and that I was out by myself, and drunk, to send such a stupid cold message.

she said she hadn't intended it to be like that

then admitted that it hasn't expired, she just didn't want contact from me.

what a bitch. so... instead of asking me not to ring or txt, and it's not as if I bombard her with texts, only if there's something to sort out from the split, and I never ring, she lies, drops such cold shit on me on my birthday, while she might just have asked.

I mean, she asked me to move out, and I did. when her married fella dumped her while we were together I stood by her and helped, I have not stalked or been a pest, I moved out my gear from hers with as little hassle as possible, even tidying and cleaning after so when she returned from her holiday, it might have been an empty house, but least it was clean. I haven't rung or txt the kids, and I do miss them so much, and I have been told they still talk about me all the time..

and she does shit like this.

it's fucking cold
and it's fucking nasty.

all I want is the letter she promised me, so I can get closure and move on.
she whipped the rug from under me so quick, my head still spins. i still feel sick with the longing for her and the kids, and the cats. I haven't been allowed to say goodbye to the kids y'know.

shit....

if you really want to know who she is, I'll give you her member name if you wanna give her an earfull, or a blogfull, ha ha! maybe I won't. maybe she's nit worth the hassle.

cheating lying bitch. still love her tho. stupid stupid me.

in other news, I'm ok. been a bit down this weekend, just a bit lost and listless. need some inspiration, and money, I'm running out of thinsg to sell! ha ha!

think a few beers are in order tonight.

How's all you?