my confession: i can't stand nick cave, neal young or david bowie.

and yet i can listen to mariachi for hours.

can't stop listening to beirut. was playing 'march of the zapotec' a lot lately, and now i'm back on putting the 'flying club cup' on repeat for hours.

Beirut - Nantes

i think happiness can be measured by the gap between what you have and what you want. if you have the life you want you're happy eh. so there are two ways to be happy, change your life to increase your happiness or stop wanting impossible shit. i'm starting to get worn out on the former and sliding into the cynicism of the latter.

for a while i thought i had the key in hand, found what i wanted and it was fucking perfect. and then it just fucked itself up somehow.

i keep trying to build on top of the structure of my existing life, add to it, instead of realizing that in order to get to the point i want to be i need to do some foundational remodeling. that's hard to do though, hard to take that risk when there's a lot at stake.

so i'll just drink more vino and wait for spring and opening day.

days like today i think i'm so co-opted by a cultural of materialism that i couldn't possible know what my actual self-interests were. everything i'm motivated to do seems like its done for vanity, and everything i think is good seems like a sales pitch. fuck if i can figure it out.