I put away my bag today for the last time. I could have just left it out in the open like it has been since I moved here, more or less, but lately it's been kind of like a constant reminder and it's one that I don't need right now. I should just throw it's contents out, but I've invested a lot of time, effort, and money into it, so I don't see the logic in doing this. I know that this will always be a prt of my life, a big one at that, but right now I have no need or desire to pursue it further then I already have. I have issues surrounding it, and it's nobody's fault, but at this point in my life it's doing more harm then good, so off to the closet it goes. I'll worry about it some other day. What's a few more years unfulfilled, anyways?
A few days ago I was sitting in Mrs. Chainsaw's kitchen looking at a windchime her mother has. It was done with Christian symbols and emblems, and it made me miss having faith. I miss the feeling I had when I used to believe, when I was a kid doing services at my parish and I left every Sunday feeling...... full. Filled with some mythical sense of completion, whether it was real, or all bullshit, it didn't matter because I felt like it was there. I've been toying with the idea of going back to church for months now, but I don't think I ever will. Mind you, I still believe in God and I didn't leave the church because of lost faith, I left because I couldn't stand the majority of Catholics that practiced there. They have their noses so far stuck in a book that they can't see what's going on around them; that it doesn't have to be a choice between what the bible says, that you can make your own opinions about people and practices without the aid of some sacred tome or verse. Also, I wouldn't make the greatest catholic, and if I were to go back I would need to do it with all my heart since it would be a waste otherwise. I'm not ready to give up body modifications, or having sex, or give up on these new feelings of hate and anger, I've just discovered them and they are a beautiful thing.
I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be an excellent sinner then a half-assed saint.
*************************************************
I wonder how much longer I can on feeling the way I do before I crack. I cna't go another 23 years, but with no end in sight, it's like I've already accepted defeat. This may sound grim to you, but it's not meant to be. If I expect something to happen, then I can plan for it and work around it. Maybe this is just who I was meant to be. Maybe I was meant to be alone, because I'm pretty damn good at it, I must confess. It's like the saying goes: we can't all be winners.
A few days ago I was sitting in Mrs. Chainsaw's kitchen looking at a windchime her mother has. It was done with Christian symbols and emblems, and it made me miss having faith. I miss the feeling I had when I used to believe, when I was a kid doing services at my parish and I left every Sunday feeling...... full. Filled with some mythical sense of completion, whether it was real, or all bullshit, it didn't matter because I felt like it was there. I've been toying with the idea of going back to church for months now, but I don't think I ever will. Mind you, I still believe in God and I didn't leave the church because of lost faith, I left because I couldn't stand the majority of Catholics that practiced there. They have their noses so far stuck in a book that they can't see what's going on around them; that it doesn't have to be a choice between what the bible says, that you can make your own opinions about people and practices without the aid of some sacred tome or verse. Also, I wouldn't make the greatest catholic, and if I were to go back I would need to do it with all my heart since it would be a waste otherwise. I'm not ready to give up body modifications, or having sex, or give up on these new feelings of hate and anger, I've just discovered them and they are a beautiful thing.
I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather be an excellent sinner then a half-assed saint.
*************************************************
I wonder how much longer I can on feeling the way I do before I crack. I cna't go another 23 years, but with no end in sight, it's like I've already accepted defeat. This may sound grim to you, but it's not meant to be. If I expect something to happen, then I can plan for it and work around it. Maybe this is just who I was meant to be. Maybe I was meant to be alone, because I'm pretty damn good at it, I must confess. It's like the saying goes: we can't all be winners.
And then she came over, and everything was ok. But when she left, the darkness swept over me again, and I was right back to where I started.
I had a pretty gnarly weekend. Well, a pretty gnarly long weekend actually, since I didn't go to work Friday or Monday. Not looking forward to my next payday though. I've altered my budget so I can survive on $700/pay rather then $1000/pay, thanks to a much appreciated loan from Citi Finacial. So, as long as I can make $700 per payday, I'll do fine.
Friday I had my first session of councilling, and it was...... different. I've always had a problem with councilling, which is why I've neglected to go all these years, but because of the events that have happened in the last few months, I decided to give it another try, as it is become obvious that I can no longer do things on my own. MY problem with therapy is that they either try to put you on an ass load of medication so you feel like a zombie, or they try and brainwash you into feeling the way you're "supposed" to feel. Both of these things were what kept me away for such a long time, but the councilor I'm seeing now seems to be someone I can just talk to, rather then someone trying to change me. She would like me to go back onto medication, but she can't prescribe me any, so she's told me it's up to me if I do or not. She lives by the philosophy that only I can "fix" myself, so she's not going to try and do it for me. She's just going to give me her two cents on the issues that are bothering me, and I can do what I want from there. It's short-term therapy though, so I won't be there too long, so I want to cover as much ground as I can.
After therapy, I began setting up for stellar's massage. She's been really tense and stressed because of work, and I know what that's like, so I decided to help her unwind a bit. I went to The Body Shop and got some massage oil and some aromatherapy oils and shit, then to Chapters to get a book on massaging. I think it went ok, and I'd like to do it more often, maybe to a point where I can become her weekly spa treatment/detox
I think I enjoy giving her massages more then I would enjoy having one done to myself. I've always had issues with people touching my back, so I don't see a massage as something that particularly appeals to me. But that might change, who knows. Bottom line is I enjoyed myself, and it seemed that she did too, so at the very least it's something we can do on Fridays when we're out of ideas.
Saturday I went to Derek's shop and jammed with him. It feels good to jam again with somebody, even if it wasn't productive per say. We both aren't nearly as good as we'd like to be with our instruments, but ti's always better to learn together I find, so it's a start. Maybe in a year or two I'll finally feel comfortable enough with my abilities on bass to go out and buy a Warwick. Besides jamming though, we also talked about what he wants to do with his shop and I gave my suggestions and concerns like a friend should. He's really come a long way since I first met him a couple years ago. In the past two years he's gone from doing deliveries for Swiss Chalet, to having a 5-foot table at a flea market with records, to having his own booth at the same flea market, to running his own shop, which is pretty impressive if you ask me. It makes me wish that I was confident enough to branch out into my own business, like running a recording studio or something, but at the same time I know in my heart that i'm a labourer and probably will be until the day I retire. There's nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it's nice to dream sometimes. I just worry that he's got a lot of ambition and drive, but I'm not really sure he understands how to run a business, or at least make a business successful. His record supply is going to dry up eventually, and unless he learns how to really manage his stock/inventory, he might run into a rude awakening some time soon. I wish him the best of luck though, and I'll help him out in any way I can.
Later, me and stellar headed out to dinner, then out to the movies where we ran into Josh and Jess, at the same show, at the same time. Ironically, they had invited us to bowling and we had said no, but somehow ended up at the same theater at the same time and not realizing it until after the show was done. The universe is weird. It was nice seeing them and their friend though, even if it was briefly.
Sunday I bought a new phone, and i love it. Seriously. That's pretty much a wrap for Sunday, other then the fact I didn't go to work and played lots of Guitar Hero. And today, I played even more Guitar Hero with Gary and Josh, then headed to bed. Now, I'm up and ready for work.
All in all, I'd give my weekend a 8/10 on a scale of awesomeness. Guitar Hero + naked girlfriend + new gadgets + friends + bass = ok by me
Random fact of the day: If I could change anything about myself right now, I would have my life on some kind of track by now, some kind of direction.
Friday I had my first session of councilling, and it was...... different. I've always had a problem with councilling, which is why I've neglected to go all these years, but because of the events that have happened in the last few months, I decided to give it another try, as it is become obvious that I can no longer do things on my own. MY problem with therapy is that they either try to put you on an ass load of medication so you feel like a zombie, or they try and brainwash you into feeling the way you're "supposed" to feel. Both of these things were what kept me away for such a long time, but the councilor I'm seeing now seems to be someone I can just talk to, rather then someone trying to change me. She would like me to go back onto medication, but she can't prescribe me any, so she's told me it's up to me if I do or not. She lives by the philosophy that only I can "fix" myself, so she's not going to try and do it for me. She's just going to give me her two cents on the issues that are bothering me, and I can do what I want from there. It's short-term therapy though, so I won't be there too long, so I want to cover as much ground as I can.
After therapy, I began setting up for stellar's massage. She's been really tense and stressed because of work, and I know what that's like, so I decided to help her unwind a bit. I went to The Body Shop and got some massage oil and some aromatherapy oils and shit, then to Chapters to get a book on massaging. I think it went ok, and I'd like to do it more often, maybe to a point where I can become her weekly spa treatment/detox
I think I enjoy giving her massages more then I would enjoy having one done to myself. I've always had issues with people touching my back, so I don't see a massage as something that particularly appeals to me. But that might change, who knows. Bottom line is I enjoyed myself, and it seemed that she did too, so at the very least it's something we can do on Fridays when we're out of ideas.Saturday I went to Derek's shop and jammed with him. It feels good to jam again with somebody, even if it wasn't productive per say. We both aren't nearly as good as we'd like to be with our instruments, but ti's always better to learn together I find, so it's a start. Maybe in a year or two I'll finally feel comfortable enough with my abilities on bass to go out and buy a Warwick. Besides jamming though, we also talked about what he wants to do with his shop and I gave my suggestions and concerns like a friend should. He's really come a long way since I first met him a couple years ago. In the past two years he's gone from doing deliveries for Swiss Chalet, to having a 5-foot table at a flea market with records, to having his own booth at the same flea market, to running his own shop, which is pretty impressive if you ask me. It makes me wish that I was confident enough to branch out into my own business, like running a recording studio or something, but at the same time I know in my heart that i'm a labourer and probably will be until the day I retire. There's nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it's nice to dream sometimes. I just worry that he's got a lot of ambition and drive, but I'm not really sure he understands how to run a business, or at least make a business successful. His record supply is going to dry up eventually, and unless he learns how to really manage his stock/inventory, he might run into a rude awakening some time soon. I wish him the best of luck though, and I'll help him out in any way I can.
Later, me and stellar headed out to dinner, then out to the movies where we ran into Josh and Jess, at the same show, at the same time. Ironically, they had invited us to bowling and we had said no, but somehow ended up at the same theater at the same time and not realizing it until after the show was done. The universe is weird. It was nice seeing them and their friend though, even if it was briefly.
Sunday I bought a new phone, and i love it. Seriously. That's pretty much a wrap for Sunday, other then the fact I didn't go to work and played lots of Guitar Hero. And today, I played even more Guitar Hero with Gary and Josh, then headed to bed. Now, I'm up and ready for work.
All in all, I'd give my weekend a 8/10 on a scale of awesomeness. Guitar Hero + naked girlfriend + new gadgets + friends + bass = ok by me
Random fact of the day: If I could change anything about myself right now, I would have my life on some kind of track by now, some kind of direction.
Well, I had another attack at work this morning/last night. It's very upsetting to me because I was starting to feel like I had overcome this; it wasn't an issue anymore. And now I'm worried that I will collapse again at work and not able to come back until they find something definetive that's wrong wih me. Last time, it took countless tests and three fucking months of unpaid time off to come to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with me. I went to neurologists, physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, and all of them came back clean. When it comes to your health, sometimes not finding something is a very bad thing. I know there's nothing physically wrong with me and that it's all in my head, but it's hard to remain calm and remember to breathe when it feels like somebody's choking you and trying to rip your brains out at the same time. So, I try slowing down my breathing and to breathe steadily, but rather then making things better, it just makes it worse. Then I can't walk because I feel like I'm drunk, and that's followed shortly after by pins and needles in my arms, legs, hands, and feet until they just lock up and i'm paralyzed.
But the worst part is how everybody in my family thinks they know what's wrong with me. I mean, it's obvious to them that the doctors are idiots because they know I'm like this because I'm not eating, or i'm not sleeping, or because I have hair in my eyes (yes, my aunt actually thinks this is caused because my hair gets in my eyes). It pisses me off because I do eat and sleep, a lot actually. And it pisses me off because they have no idea that if it were something that simple, I would've already done what I needed to do to fix it. I swear soemtimes the people in my life think I put my body through hell because I enjoy it or something.
I've made yet another adjustment to my workout schedule because I think the way I was approaching it before could prove to be a recipe for overtraining myself too quickly. Instead, i've decided to break my objective down into three, one month phases. The first phase will involve me in shoring up weak links in my muscles. Nothing too extreme, but to do the "power" exercises efficiently, I need all the supporting muscles in top form first. After that, I will switch to an all-out, insane workout schedule that will do cardio everyday and work one muscle group per day, six days a week. This means a longer trip to the gym everyday, but will result in outrageous growth (hopefully) with rapid fat loss at the same time. For example, on the day I do arms, I'll be doing (in total), over 200 reps in different excercises just on my biceps and triceps. I'll be a tired boy after this phase, but I should be showing some serious growth. Finally, the last phase of my training will be intense fat loss, while getting my lean muscle mass up to it's peak potential, which will result in a sexy beach body just in time for Cuba. I will be doing cardio everyday (45 minutes on days with no strength training, 30 minutes on days with strengh training), and combined with the proper diet, I will be shedding fat like a man possessed. I am a little concerned though that I will put on all this mass and not be able to shed it off in time for the trip. It would be ironic to not be able to take off the weight and end up going to Cuba in worse shape (visually speaking) then I was when I started
And finally, my thought of the day: There's no such thing as harmless flirting when either party is in a relationship. It's only harmless until the other party finds out.
But the worst part is how everybody in my family thinks they know what's wrong with me. I mean, it's obvious to them that the doctors are idiots because they know I'm like this because I'm not eating, or i'm not sleeping, or because I have hair in my eyes (yes, my aunt actually thinks this is caused because my hair gets in my eyes). It pisses me off because I do eat and sleep, a lot actually. And it pisses me off because they have no idea that if it were something that simple, I would've already done what I needed to do to fix it. I swear soemtimes the people in my life think I put my body through hell because I enjoy it or something.
I've made yet another adjustment to my workout schedule because I think the way I was approaching it before could prove to be a recipe for overtraining myself too quickly. Instead, i've decided to break my objective down into three, one month phases. The first phase will involve me in shoring up weak links in my muscles. Nothing too extreme, but to do the "power" exercises efficiently, I need all the supporting muscles in top form first. After that, I will switch to an all-out, insane workout schedule that will do cardio everyday and work one muscle group per day, six days a week. This means a longer trip to the gym everyday, but will result in outrageous growth (hopefully) with rapid fat loss at the same time. For example, on the day I do arms, I'll be doing (in total), over 200 reps in different excercises just on my biceps and triceps. I'll be a tired boy after this phase, but I should be showing some serious growth. Finally, the last phase of my training will be intense fat loss, while getting my lean muscle mass up to it's peak potential, which will result in a sexy beach body just in time for Cuba. I will be doing cardio everyday (45 minutes on days with no strength training, 30 minutes on days with strengh training), and combined with the proper diet, I will be shedding fat like a man possessed. I am a little concerned though that I will put on all this mass and not be able to shed it off in time for the trip. It would be ironic to not be able to take off the weight and end up going to Cuba in worse shape (visually speaking) then I was when I started
And finally, my thought of the day: There's no such thing as harmless flirting when either party is in a relationship. It's only harmless until the other party finds out.
Started my workout schedule today, hoping it'll work this time around. I originally planned on doing a full body workout three times a week, but I decided to isolate muscle groups and work out six times a week instead. I'm going to bulk up (aka, gain muscle mass) as much as I can, then six weeks before the vacation to Cuba I'm going to switch to a fat loss program ie: more reps with less weight and cardio. Hopefully, this will result in a lean beach-worth physique for our vacation.
But a workout means nothing without the proper diet, so I've had to make some adjustments here too. First off, I've stopped drinking soda and am trying to keep my candy intake at a minimal (which is hard, because I'm achocolate fiend). Basically, my diet is primarily protien, I'm aiming for 1 - 1.5 grams of protein for every pound I weigh (155) everyday. And then there's the obviouss tuff like top-loading my carbs and not eating before bed. Because of finacial problems, I won't be able to eat perfectly, but i'll dothe best I can. Wish me luck.
But a workout means nothing without the proper diet, so I've had to make some adjustments here too. First off, I've stopped drinking soda and am trying to keep my candy intake at a minimal (which is hard, because I'm achocolate fiend). Basically, my diet is primarily protien, I'm aiming for 1 - 1.5 grams of protein for every pound I weigh (155) everyday. And then there's the obviouss tuff like top-loading my carbs and not eating before bed. Because of finacial problems, I won't be able to eat perfectly, but i'll dothe best I can. Wish me luck.
Last few hours have been an excellent end to my long weekend. Went to UFC being shown at Shoeless Joe's with a bunch of people, it was good. Two very good fights, even thoguh the event was a little long for my liking. I like quick fights becasue usually by the 3rd round, the fighters have no energy left and just grope eachother for the remaining 10 - 15 minutes until it goes to a decision. But I can't really complain about UFC, friends, booze, and laughs
This morning was a little bit crazy. Woke up to some good-morning booty, then went out to get some breakfast. Ended up going to Starbuck's instead for some drinks, then it was further into the mall to do a few things Mrs. Chainsaw exchanged a shirt from one of the stores, I was looking at 1/2" plugs, but they only had tunnels (steel too :S)l so I passed, was going to do my taxes but there was a line and only one person working. After I saw the girlfriend off for the week, I went to Mean Ax Music and picked up a bass amp, tuner, and some patch chords becuase I'm so tired of waiting on the dead weight in my family (harsh, but true). While i was there though, I saw the most metal thing ever: a hard shell bass case shaped like a coffin, and the inside was crushed red velvet!!!!! Yet another reason why I love Warwick.
This week coming up looks good. Starting my new training schedule tommorrow, I've got a new camera and an amp to keep me occupied during the week, and it's Kaptain K's birthday extravenganza on saturday. Should be good
Later kiddies!
This morning was a little bit crazy. Woke up to some good-morning booty, then went out to get some breakfast. Ended up going to Starbuck's instead for some drinks, then it was further into the mall to do a few things Mrs. Chainsaw exchanged a shirt from one of the stores, I was looking at 1/2" plugs, but they only had tunnels (steel too :S)l so I passed, was going to do my taxes but there was a line and only one person working. After I saw the girlfriend off for the week, I went to Mean Ax Music and picked up a bass amp, tuner, and some patch chords becuase I'm so tired of waiting on the dead weight in my family (harsh, but true). While i was there though, I saw the most metal thing ever: a hard shell bass case shaped like a coffin, and the inside was crushed red velvet!!!!! Yet another reason why I love Warwick.
This week coming up looks good. Starting my new training schedule tommorrow, I've got a new camera and an amp to keep me occupied during the week, and it's Kaptain K's birthday extravenganza on saturday. Should be good
Later kiddies!
Yesterday was ok, helped out a friend with some contract flash work. I wished I could've been more help, but I'm pretty rusty with the program, so i'll need to work on that. I guess this means i'll be getting back into website design, graphics, and probably photo manipulation too.
Speaking of which, I picked up a camera yesterday. I realize the reason I'm in so much debt is because I can't stick with any budgets I make for myself. I vowed to not spend over $700, but ended up walking out with a $900 camera instead. Oh well, at least it's a good camera. I ended up getting a Nikon D40, so at least I got a camera I can grow with as I progress in photography. Plus, I'll make more friends if I have sexy pictures of my sexy self on here
Girlfriend came over last ngiht too, no buttsecks to speak of, but the weekend is still young and I'm optimistic. Went to see a friend too, had a Guitar Hero marathon until 5 in the morning. I'm a bit tired today from too much rocking, but it's UFC night, so I'll have to keep it together until that's over.
Hope everybody's having an awesome weekend!
Speaking of which, I picked up a camera yesterday. I realize the reason I'm in so much debt is because I can't stick with any budgets I make for myself. I vowed to not spend over $700, but ended up walking out with a $900 camera instead. Oh well, at least it's a good camera. I ended up getting a Nikon D40, so at least I got a camera I can grow with as I progress in photography. Plus, I'll make more friends if I have sexy pictures of my sexy self on here
Girlfriend came over last ngiht too, no buttsecks to speak of, but the weekend is still young and I'm optimistic. Went to see a friend too, had a Guitar Hero marathon until 5 in the morning. I'm a bit tired today from too much rocking, but it's UFC night, so I'll have to keep it together until that's over.
Hope everybody's having an awesome weekend!
Things that have rocked today:
- no work last night, today, or tommorrow = extra long weekend
- J coming over, much pot is in the air
- Guitar Hero marathon this afternoon, and will continue tommorrow night
- girlfriend coming over tommorrow, going camera shopping with suprise buttsecks later
Speaking of buttsecks, well sex in general, I've decided I need to buy some kind of bear or wolf mask to keep under my bed. One time, me and mrs. chainsaw were going at it with me on top when she pulls me in close and whispers how much she loves it when i fuck her bareback. Now, i'm not sure if I was too tired or high or what at the time, but I started growling at her and pawing at her, saying "beeeeeeeeeeearbaaaaaaaaaacck" the whole time. By now, we're both trying our best not to laugh, but failing miserablly.
So, I need to get some kind of animal mask to keep under the bed so when we go bareback, I can do her from behind, slip it on without her knowing, and start growling. When she turns around, the reaction should be beyond priceless
And I can use the camera I'm getting tommorrow to document it! But since she's probablly reading this, she'll start checking under the bed every night she wants to get laid. Oh well.
- no work last night, today, or tommorrow = extra long weekend
- J coming over, much pot is in the air
- Guitar Hero marathon this afternoon, and will continue tommorrow night
- girlfriend coming over tommorrow, going camera shopping with suprise buttsecks later
Speaking of buttsecks, well sex in general, I've decided I need to buy some kind of bear or wolf mask to keep under my bed. One time, me and mrs. chainsaw were going at it with me on top when she pulls me in close and whispers how much she loves it when i fuck her bareback. Now, i'm not sure if I was too tired or high or what at the time, but I started growling at her and pawing at her, saying "beeeeeeeeeeearbaaaaaaaaaacck" the whole time. By now, we're both trying our best not to laugh, but failing miserablly.
So, I need to get some kind of animal mask to keep under the bed so when we go bareback, I can do her from behind, slip it on without her knowing, and start growling. When she turns around, the reaction should be beyond priceless
And I can use the camera I'm getting tommorrow to document it! But since she's probablly reading this, she'll start checking under the bed every night she wants to get laid. Oh well.
