So a friend on his bike was in an altercation with someone and their car today. They cut him off so he felt the need to cut them off in return. They honked and passed really close to him and he lashed out and hit their side mirror. Then they tried to force him off the road twice. That's when the cops came in, sirens wailing.

Why the fuck do people in cars feel its okay to use their vehicle as a weapon when they will be absolutely royally fucked if they hurt someone with it?

Why the fuck do bicyclists seem to think the laws of physics and broken bones do not apply to them? If you stick your hand in a gators mouth and it bites you, its not the gators fault that you're stupid. Why would you play chicken with a vehicle??????

I am completely baffled by both sides of this circus side show.

That is all. Good night.

Not much going on out of the ordinary, everything is rock solid these days and I'm LOVING it! Had a very humbling boarding session last night, just could not pull my head together and my board pretty much rode me for the first half of the evening. The second half was much better, I think it was because I was riding with a friend who I've never rode with before and something about it really threw me off kilter.

In the grand scheme of things, life is so full of stuff and friends that I nary have a free night anymore. In the last three weeks I've chilled at home exactly ONE night.

I need a recharge. I'm being a hermit this weekend and not going out anywhere.

There is a calm now that I had missed dearly. A sense of balance and peace that had become all but a faded and torn photograph lost in a shoebox, forgotten in a dark corner. Inner strife and chaos had become reality, something I had resigned myself to accepting as permanent and defining. Its been a long journey, with a few mistakes and a smorgasbord of lessons and I finally feel, within my core, that phase of my life has ended.

I can liken the journey to the feeling of warmth on ones skin as they emerge from a dark, cold and lonely place back into the light, the beautiful warmth overriding the searing agony of eyes that have not seen the sun in a very long time. It feels good to be me again. I am free. I am home.

I had a dream last night that an old lover came back into my life. Mmmm, strike that...back into my bed actually.

I kicked her out of it and demanded to know why I should trust her, why I should believe anything has changed for the better and why I should give her a gazillionth-and-second chance as a tiny angel stood on my left shoulder and a tiny devil on my right. They both whispered the same thing in my ears, "You know you're right, stand your ground". She had nothing to say. She stood there, naked before me as I sat in bed waiting to hear anything that might be believable as she shifted her weight anxiously and then poof...she vanished in a puff of smoke. As the smoke cleared from her departure, a small piece of paper much like what one would find in a fortune cookie fluttered to the floor where she had stood. The angel and the devil casually descended from my shoulders to retrieved the paper, chatting as they crossed the floor and paused to scratch the chin of my cat, Karma, who was curled up by the dresser completely uninterested in anything but sleep. As they reached the paper and looked down at it, each one cracked a grin and looked at the other, then back at me. They moved behind the paper so as to position it between them and I, pursing their lips and blew the paper up into my lap.

It landed. I stared at it. Karma yawned.

The angel looked to the devil and said, as if I were not there at all, "Isn't he going to read it?" to which the devil replied matter of factually "He's doesn't need to. He's known all along and just needed time for his heart to catch up to his head"

I woke up then, and a voice rang in the back of my head saying, as I sat up and scratched Karma's chin "What you know in your heart to be true will never be spoken in words. It simply is what it is and will never manifest in any other way."

That is all

Hmmm, its been a very very long time since my last entry. Frankly I havent been on the site much in the last year. Soooo, I guess we left off with me moving back home and living in Mom's basement which I am happy to report is no longer the case!!! I am no longer "that guy" and the feeling of being a butterfly in a straight jacket has passed. Ahhh, the freedom and the independence of living on my own is exactly what I needed, though the alone part is hard to handle sometimes but such is life I guess. I don't know for sure, if my situation had made me depressed or in some other way feeling like I didn't deserve better but I was putting up with a lot of shit from people in my life who didn't deserve to be in it. They're gone now and I've gained a little insight into things. Without being too specific, I fully understand what the phrase "Don't cast your pearls before swine" means. Hmm...indeed.

So now what? I was in the kitchen today feeling very scattered and very down about being alone and then I read a piece by Fractal Abandon All Hope that gave me some measure of solace. At least I'm not alone. Pondering what I want in a partner has led me to certain conclusions, not fit to expand on at this point, but suffice to say I want someone who is at the same point in their life as I am, or at the very least, someone who is on the threshold, about to break through. Someone who isn't so selfish that they can't see past their own nose.

Maybe that last part was a little resentment from a shitty experience that needed to come out.

Regardless, I've pretty much had enough of the dating scene, after trying it a few times and coming away with little more than another experience to draw from in the future. What I want now is to meet someone who will prove themselves as my friend, a real friend, who wills till be who they claimed to be three, four, five months ago. Know what I mean? That said, I do miss having someone to pass the time with, someone to snuggle with, inspire me, make me crazy, someone to care for.

Watching a movie just isn't the same with a couch only half full.

On a side note, I have noticed that one of my friends who I've known for many years and who has been more than a platonic interest of mine keeps coming back onto my radar. But she's still with the same guy who takes her for granted just like he did years ago. Why the fuck is she still with that douchbag?

I suppose its the fear of being alone. The thing is, being alone for a while would lead her to someone better... Ha! I should really listen to my own wisdom sometimes.

I feel better.

Curvy, sexy, oh my good god! Looooooove this body type so much, it just feels so fucking amazing to be pressed against a woman with such beautiful curves. running my hands over warm, soft skin. Lips peppering her all over with kisses and nibbles. Mmmmmmmm. It's been on my mind lately...thought I'd share

right-click on the pic, select view image if it doesn't fit properly...

Ember

The Mountain Equipment Co-op Fall/Winter catalog just arrived! Super sweet! I looooove this event because it signifies the coming of my favorite season...Autumn. There's something very romantic about the season for me. The crisp air, the leaves turning and falling off trees like one last intense surge of energy before the collapse. Kinda like an orgasm in a way

The cool air brings with it the need for cozy clothes, like fleece sweaters and wool socks, down vests and knitted toques Then theres the warm glow of a crackling fire throwing little firey dancers upon the walls. I adore snuggling up with someone special in front of a fire, sipping wine or cocoa, holding each other close and nuzzling my face into their warm neck, my arms wrapped around their body. My new house has a fireplace...yay!

Ahhh, autumn approaches, and I'm starting to feel romantic again. Perfect timing

Now playing: Black Light Burns - "Lie"



This is the brainchild of Wes Borland, the eccentric and brilliant guitarist formerly of Limp Bizkit. I've been watching this guy since he left Bizkit wondering what he was going to do and when I heard about Black Light Burns I immediately searched for any scrap of music to indicate what he was up to and the direction he was taking. "Lie" is the first single off the album "Cruel Melody" and was incidentally the first track I heard from Wes' MySpace page where he was posting audio while shopping for a label and producer. Check out youtube if you like this track, there are more BLB tracks out there, equal to or better than this one.

So, in other news, I've finally got a licensed copy of Photoshop CS2 since the one I was using crashed and left me dead in the water with a shitload of amazing pics to prepare for my site...stay tuned, I'll be posting some as they are finished, likely here and in the photography group.

I'm going flying tomorrow, my friend is a glider pilot and we're gonna "pull some G's " as he puts it. Sounds like I may need a yak sack while I'm up there, with my DSLR and Video camera. I hope theres room for all that.

Later!

Now playing: Midnight Juggernauts - "Into The Galaxy"




A new chapter in my life begins and though I'm running on only a few hours sleep, I'll try to keep this as easy to follow as I can.

As a friend leaves town to embark on a three month odyssey that will surely challenge and/or cement her perspective on many aspects of life, I am a mere three weeks away from embarking on my own odyssey, one of independence and re-discovery where I can once again rebuild myself and find satisfaction in what I have made of my life and the person I have become. Since my separation led to the division of my common assets with my then wife, I have been living back at home with Mom, all my possessions squeezed into the basement and part of the garage. Awaiting the completion of my new home has been a trial that I did not expect. Living back at home has impacted me more than I had though it could have and more for the worse than the better, at that. I feel stifled. I feel restrained. I feel like I have not stretched my wings in a very long time and I am restless. And on the horizon I see the gleam of a new life, new potential, new beginnings. I absolutely cannot wait to have my own space, my own home. Somewhere neutral that I can retreat to in order to recharge. Somewhere that I can have my friends over to without feeling like its an intrusion on someone else's peace. Somewhere that I can indulge my eccentricities without restraint. Fuck this is going to be fun!

Its hard to be strong and confident when I'm stuck in a holding pattern, circling the runway endlessly, waiting for my turn to become whole once again. I have changed in the last year, into someone that I'm not happy with. I used to be very happy with who I was and said fuck you to anyone who didn't agree. Now, I suppose that a metamorphosis and a re-awakening of what really matters to me is in order. I feel that certain aspects of my personality are more hindrance than help these days. I'm restless to find myself again and I do not think that what I have become is anything less than a layer to be peeled off. I know the strong self assured man I was is still inside me, albeit burried under an as yet unmeasured amount of shit.

I feel an emptiness in me that I don't like feeling. I thought it was the space left behind by the breakdown of love and I was looking for someone to fill that void not realizing that I have to find peace with myself before I can let someone else in again. I have to rebuild myself. Being stuck in this basement has done nothing to help that cause. In fact, its like a cloud lingering over me casting shadows of doubt on my value as a person and what I deserve from life and those around me. That is no longer the case. I deserve better and that reality is fast on its way. I recently received in the mail, the official divorce order signed and sealed by some judge who I simply adore for having penned his name on the document My separation and divorce had been weighing heavily on me. It has now come to closure. My ex-wife and I have remained great friends through it all. All it took was 5 years, a marriage and separation to show us that were better off that way

My sister, who is three years my junior and with whom I have never had much of a relationship, was in town this weekend and I discovered a kinship with her that has filled me with a new warmth. It was amazing to hang out with her and have a few heart to hearts this weekend and it was simply astounding to hear her say "this is what I think, but I can see why you feel/think the way you do". It was the first time that anyone close to me affirmed my point of view like that, not that I don't appreciate and find value in talks with other friends (Triptick you're still at the top of the list dude, fear not ). We spent an awesome Saturday evening together at Phil's for my friend's going away celebration, shared a fairly quiet car ride to the airport this morning after having gotten only 2 and a half hours sleep. I can't quite explain how or why spending this time with my sister has impacted my thinking but it has and I'm very glad for it. She is my blood. She is my friend. She dances like I do.... I had no idea.

Its been a strange time, this last year. I've tried a few new things, a few new ways of thinking and of being, and have found that some of them fit, some don't. It's been up and down, and all around and I feel pretty confident that I'll walk away with a new set of tools to help me through my days. I've seen a few truths about myself that I feel are very important to who I am, what matters to me and what I need from life and those around me. Some of these truths are not conducive to happiness. Some are. Interestingly, I've learned a little more about the difference between what it is that I value in a lover, in a friend, and in a partner and what it is that I can not accept in the same. Its time to sort out the useful from the useless and nail down what it is that I truly want from life, from sex and love and from those around me.

So here I sit feeling a little sad and a little empty, as my friend and all the great things about her are gone from my life, however temporary or permanent that may turn out to be. A little glad, as I can see the glow of a new beginning on the horizon. A little excited as I don't know what will happen in the next few months and where it will take me in my life. A little tired as I'm functioning on a mere few hours sleep. (I apologize if this writing makes no sense ) Lastly, I've found a new friendship with my sister. I suppose we're both in a place where we finally understand one another. I can't put any one emotion on that one though.

Cheers to the next few weeks, the next few months, and to the future. Where oh where will it take me?

On a side note, Photoshop crashed on me this weekend. I now have gigs worth of images and no functioning software to edit them with. Grrrr. Stupid software!

Oh, and The Bourne Ultimatum and The Simpsons Movie both rock the casbah. Especially the Bourne movie. Is it me or could Jason Bourne be this generations James Bond? I smell a legend in the making here!

I have also managed to fix the issue with my notebook's optical drive and can once again burn dvd's! Woohoo!!! Now I can back up all the images on my hard drives and stop having nightmares about hard drive crashes

A question that I've been mulling over in my head for some time...

what is the difference between someone who can be comfortable with their partner being sexually intimate with someone else, and someone who cant? I really don't have a problem with bringing in another man to play with me and my partner in a two men pleasuring the woman scenario, even a random bar pick-up. Doesn't bother me one bit. Its the scenario where I'm not present that bothers me.

Personally, I find that my current gut reaction would be discomfort. Mainly at the small but real possibility of STDs , the lack of control in the situation (what if the guy is one who doesn't know what "No" means and winds up hurting her), and feeling threatened (if she's having fun over there, where does that leave me? Where will my sexual needs fit in?) though the later is a small part of my male brain, that since this has never come up before, I've yet to rewire. I'm working on that.

I'm wondering though, is my gut reaction simply that? Just a knee-jerk reaction? What if its something that I can learn to adapt to, what if its only an issue for me because it hasn't yet been turned into a non-issue? I've been in a similar situation before with my ex-wife, she was seeing a guy she knew for a couple years and they became sexually intimate. I was fine with it then, because I thought we had a solid foundation and I had no reason to doubt her devotion. It actually turned me on, knowing that she was with this other guy. Perhaps my comfort with the situaton stemmed from our solid history and the fact that I knew the guy was a decent man, not just after pussy and not apt to say anything he needed to in order to get inside hers.

I've never considered having an open relationship that wasn't preceeded by establishing a solid, secure closed relationship first. Would I be able to adapt to an open relationship right out of the gate, without compromising my wants and desires, that could become a sucessfull one. One with security and trust, despite the outside-relationship acivity. I don't know, I've never tried but something tells me that I'm not the first person to ask this question of themselves, so if you have any advice, dear friends, let it fly Maybe my discomfort with the thought of my partner being alone with some guy is baggage from my marriage because I wan't this stressed about it before. Hmmmm. I'll chew on that some more.

The thing is, I've never been a controlling or posessive person. In fact I've always been quite the opposite, encouraging and empowering my partners to live their life with the freedom to go out, have fun, have their own friends, do their own thing. I really don't feel the need to be attached at the hip. In fact I value having time to myself very much. Is it possible to have an open relationship without establishing a solid closed relationship first? I'm not sure, honestly I dont think so but at the same time can a solid primary relationship be built while exploring an open relationship at the same time?

What do you think, people?