i been gone most of the whole year underway in the middle of the ocean and when i get back...instead of hanging out with my best friend and being happy as all hell...I'm as empty as a hole.
Im not much for talking about my feelings or anything but i figure this blog thing here, well its purpose is to let your feelings loose and what not so here it goes:
I love my best friend, we known each other for years. Most of the time its just me n her hanging out doing who knows what (usually involving alcohol). This whole love thing didnt start right away, for a long time it was just being friends then we just got closer like friends do but we never crossed that line. That was ok with me i didnt feel that way with her then.
Then she gets stationed in japan and 9 months later i follow her getting stationed in japan myself. Things are back to the way it was before we got separated until one nite...some stuff happened that made me realize that she means more to me then i thought she did and thats a problem. Shes got a rule about dating friends and most of our friends over the years realize how awesome she is and admits they love her...i've seen her get burned and broken and cry for hours every time this happens because she doesnt feel the same way and i was the only one that really understood seein as i was her bst friend. Now i realize that i love her the way everyone else did, maybe more, im not one to rate how much one person loves another. The last thing i want to do is hurt her, I've seen her burned so many times by people telling her they love her i couldnt tell her...still cant. I refuse to tell her the truth, it would break her heart.
Then i go on my 8 month deployment and when i get back the first thing i do is put on my suit and she puts on her dress and we go out to a early christmas party. There were a lot of seriously attractive women there and yet i still couldnt take my eyes off of her. We spent the weekend together, maybe becoming more then what we were. Well the weekend is over and instead of getting closer we got further apart. We used to be so happy together, everyone thought we were going out for years, now instead i feel empty inside and shes angry at everything. I talk to a couple friends to help me through the confusion and i sleep on it. Woke up this morning with a realization, we are never gonna be more then what we are now and my mind is perfectly fine with it, however my heart still loves her. How can you love someone knowing full well that you are never gonna end up together, i understand the fantasy from far away thing but this isnt anything like that.
So that leads me to here and now letting loose everything i have, all the feelings and confusion and logic all together in what i think is some at least half ass form of writing. I dont much care if everyone reads this or no one...i needed to let it all loose and here it is.
Im not much for talking about my feelings or anything but i figure this blog thing here, well its purpose is to let your feelings loose and what not so here it goes:
I love my best friend, we known each other for years. Most of the time its just me n her hanging out doing who knows what (usually involving alcohol). This whole love thing didnt start right away, for a long time it was just being friends then we just got closer like friends do but we never crossed that line. That was ok with me i didnt feel that way with her then.
Then she gets stationed in japan and 9 months later i follow her getting stationed in japan myself. Things are back to the way it was before we got separated until one nite...some stuff happened that made me realize that she means more to me then i thought she did and thats a problem. Shes got a rule about dating friends and most of our friends over the years realize how awesome she is and admits they love her...i've seen her get burned and broken and cry for hours every time this happens because she doesnt feel the same way and i was the only one that really understood seein as i was her bst friend. Now i realize that i love her the way everyone else did, maybe more, im not one to rate how much one person loves another. The last thing i want to do is hurt her, I've seen her burned so many times by people telling her they love her i couldnt tell her...still cant. I refuse to tell her the truth, it would break her heart.
Then i go on my 8 month deployment and when i get back the first thing i do is put on my suit and she puts on her dress and we go out to a early christmas party. There were a lot of seriously attractive women there and yet i still couldnt take my eyes off of her. We spent the weekend together, maybe becoming more then what we were. Well the weekend is over and instead of getting closer we got further apart. We used to be so happy together, everyone thought we were going out for years, now instead i feel empty inside and shes angry at everything. I talk to a couple friends to help me through the confusion and i sleep on it. Woke up this morning with a realization, we are never gonna be more then what we are now and my mind is perfectly fine with it, however my heart still loves her. How can you love someone knowing full well that you are never gonna end up together, i understand the fantasy from far away thing but this isnt anything like that.
So that leads me to here and now letting loose everything i have, all the feelings and confusion and logic all together in what i think is some at least half ass form of writing. I dont much care if everyone reads this or no one...i needed to let it all loose and here it is.
holy fuck its been forever since i been on here...well in case anyone is wondering, yes i am still alive and im back on dry land for the time being...that dry land still being central japan. not much has changed, still hate my job, still hate the fuckers i work with...still confused as all fuck about life in general. might as well vent here seein as all im doin is keeping it in and i gotta let it out somehow, i may be in love with my best friend somehow. it dont help that she wants me to be her baby's dad...those 2 things together dont make it a problem...the problem comes from the fact that we are not even close to even starting to date...hell we change the subject everytime something even close to what may end up as us talking about feelings for each other happen. I dont want a wife type person right now, i just want someone who im happy with and can just chill with...she wants a husband type and a father for her kids type...the kicker is shes the kind of person that i want to be the mother of my kids when im ready to settle down. things would be easier if neither of us was in a relationship already, makes things so damn confusing cause the girl i got back home makes me happy which is what i want right now but shes not here right now...and the girl i have right now is who i want later but shes here now...and to top it all off i just remembered that tomorrow is valentines...fuck my life. i ain't got the slightest idea of what to do or what to even feel cause no matter what i feel or make myself feel it feels like the wrong thing to feel...no matter what i end up feeling im not being fair to someone (myself included)
wow...has it been a month already, sorry for not making a new post for those of you that actually read and care about my well being. I'm in Japan now...gonna be here for 3 years at least, its actually a fun place to be. The food is amazing and the women are even better...but damn do i miss me some american attitude and backbone.
I started off workin 7 to 4 but i find myself working longer and longer into the day...yesterday i didnt get back to my bed till 9 pm...and its gonna look the same for a while till we get all the maintenence done and fix the ship up good as new
Its pretty hard just getting out of school and now here where the real shit is but im learning all i can as fast as i can and the higher ups see and appreciate it. It dont help that the most senior of us junior techs is a lazy piee of shit who thinks he can drop his personal workload on me just cause im the new guy...that shit pisses me off.
We have him who doesnt care and another guy who wants a different job...and another guy who sucks as a tech...great guy but he sucks at trouble shooting.
So basically its gonna be me and one other guy before he has to work the kitchens...then its mostly just me who will be both working and givin a shit about it. I love my job but damn it the people who i work with just piss me off...theres no internal communication...everyones running around with their heads chopped off.
The one bad thing of Japan is my work...i really do wish it was better but i have to make it better myself. I need to find a Japanese girl...one that isnt psycho crazy. I was with this one filipeno girl who wanted to take things slow and i mean slow...it took a week just to kiss her proper. Then she didnt want to be too close to me in public cause she was uncomfortable...just give it time she says...then she got jealous when she thought i said her friend was hotter when all i did was make a joke to her about her dress in the wind...telling her to watch out or her bf, my friend, will get some ideas. She gets pissed off at me and that was the last straw...i mean she doesnt let me do anything with her, its not like we were even dating and then she gets jealous like im gonna cheat on her with her friend...hell fucking no...i dont put up with that shit.
Well thats enough of me ranting...i need to get some sleep.
Cage
I started off workin 7 to 4 but i find myself working longer and longer into the day...yesterday i didnt get back to my bed till 9 pm...and its gonna look the same for a while till we get all the maintenence done and fix the ship up good as new
Its pretty hard just getting out of school and now here where the real shit is but im learning all i can as fast as i can and the higher ups see and appreciate it. It dont help that the most senior of us junior techs is a lazy piee of shit who thinks he can drop his personal workload on me just cause im the new guy...that shit pisses me off.
We have him who doesnt care and another guy who wants a different job...and another guy who sucks as a tech...great guy but he sucks at trouble shooting.
So basically its gonna be me and one other guy before he has to work the kitchens...then its mostly just me who will be both working and givin a shit about it. I love my job but damn it the people who i work with just piss me off...theres no internal communication...everyones running around with their heads chopped off.
The one bad thing of Japan is my work...i really do wish it was better but i have to make it better myself. I need to find a Japanese girl...one that isnt psycho crazy. I was with this one filipeno girl who wanted to take things slow and i mean slow...it took a week just to kiss her proper. Then she didnt want to be too close to me in public cause she was uncomfortable...just give it time she says...then she got jealous when she thought i said her friend was hotter when all i did was make a joke to her about her dress in the wind...telling her to watch out or her bf, my friend, will get some ideas. She gets pissed off at me and that was the last straw...i mean she doesnt let me do anything with her, its not like we were even dating and then she gets jealous like im gonna cheat on her with her friend...hell fucking no...i dont put up with that shit.
Well thats enough of me ranting...i need to get some sleep.
Cage
Konechiwa bitches...i made it to japan all in one piece...settling in slow, its easy to get lost here with so many people. Went to tokyo for the first time yesterday...it was pretty cool. We went to a regular restaurant where they prepare the meat but u cook it yourself...and it was damn good.
i didnt realize how much of a geek zone japan is but all the geek stuff i was into as a kid and still into today but never see them around...its everywhere in japan.
Well imma keep yall up to date with some pictures and all the bells and whistles soon enough dont worry about that.
Catch yall later,
Cage
i didnt realize how much of a geek zone japan is but all the geek stuff i was into as a kid and still into today but never see them around...its everywhere in japan.
Well imma keep yall up to date with some pictures and all the bells and whistles soon enough dont worry about that.
Catch yall later,
Cage
weekend 1 of 5 back home: half way done.
Spendin the weekend with my grandpa on account he turned 83 today. Went to the casino for the first time and only lost 100 bucks...not so bad my first time out.
Goin to my aunts house tomorrow...i think...the great grand baby turned 1 and they throwin a party for her but i dont know where its gonna be...hell i didnt even know she existed before today. Spent too much time away from home, but then again im gonna spend a year and a half in Japan before i can come back home.
My dad and me are gonna try and do a BBQ Sunday afternoon if i can make it back before its too late..we might just wait till monday and do it Memorial Day proper.
But dont take that as Memorial Day being just about BBQ cause its not...its about the armed forces here and there doin what they do to keep the country safe...they might not all be on the ground fighting but they are all safe guarding this country in their own branches way...dont forget that.
So i guess this is it...if i missed something out just let me know and imma just comment the rest.
Cage
Spendin the weekend with my grandpa on account he turned 83 today. Went to the casino for the first time and only lost 100 bucks...not so bad my first time out.
Goin to my aunts house tomorrow...i think...the great grand baby turned 1 and they throwin a party for her but i dont know where its gonna be...hell i didnt even know she existed before today. Spent too much time away from home, but then again im gonna spend a year and a half in Japan before i can come back home.
My dad and me are gonna try and do a BBQ Sunday afternoon if i can make it back before its too late..we might just wait till monday and do it Memorial Day proper.
But dont take that as Memorial Day being just about BBQ cause its not...its about the armed forces here and there doin what they do to keep the country safe...they might not all be on the ground fighting but they are all safe guarding this country in their own branches way...dont forget that.
So i guess this is it...if i missed something out just let me know and imma just comment the rest.
Cage
Alright...lets catch up with whats going on in my uneventful life.
I graduated with my NEC last friday and passed my final test yesterday...all thats left is a week of labs that are mostly just busy body time to keep us busy and accounted for.
I bought my ticket home today so i can see my family for a couple weeks before i spend the next 4 years in and around japan.
Broke up with my girlfriend because i want a fresh start when i do get to japan and i dont want to have to leave someone behind literally across the world waiting for someone who may not go back to her.
I never thought saying goodbye would suck this bad...ive done it before but i never went this far from home for this long of not even having the opportunity to go back home...ive had the opportunity a few times and i passed it up but the opportunity was always there and reassuring...stationed in japan i will only have christmas stand down and thats if we are in port at the time...if not then its gonna be sometime around christmas when they let us go, like in february or something.
I already feel myself just completely disconnected from the world around me...part not wanting to leave so many friends behind...part just waiting for the chance to leave everyone behind and start something new which will most undoubtedly define the kind of man i will become.
I guess this is it...i dont feel like ranting anymore right now but if i feel like boring everyone some more then i will jump at the chance.
Cage
I graduated with my NEC last friday and passed my final test yesterday...all thats left is a week of labs that are mostly just busy body time to keep us busy and accounted for.
I bought my ticket home today so i can see my family for a couple weeks before i spend the next 4 years in and around japan.
Broke up with my girlfriend because i want a fresh start when i do get to japan and i dont want to have to leave someone behind literally across the world waiting for someone who may not go back to her.
I never thought saying goodbye would suck this bad...ive done it before but i never went this far from home for this long of not even having the opportunity to go back home...ive had the opportunity a few times and i passed it up but the opportunity was always there and reassuring...stationed in japan i will only have christmas stand down and thats if we are in port at the time...if not then its gonna be sometime around christmas when they let us go, like in february or something.
I already feel myself just completely disconnected from the world around me...part not wanting to leave so many friends behind...part just waiting for the chance to leave everyone behind and start something new which will most undoubtedly define the kind of man i will become.
I guess this is it...i dont feel like ranting anymore right now but if i feel like boring everyone some more then i will jump at the chance.
Cage
so yeah...i havent done one of these in a lil over a week i think...its not like im ignoring all my fans or minions or whatever u want to be called...its just that nothing has been going on thats noteworthy...i wake up, go to school, come home, drink, listen to music, go to bed...pretty boring when u think about it. but thats how my life is going right now...if im still here in virginia come the end of may i got plans of hittin up fleet week up in new york, got a buddy who lives there and hes gonna drive us there and we gonna camp out at his mom house, (her idea)...but thats not for over a month from now so why make a big deal about it now
When something even slightly important happenes...imma let you know...until then...imma stay random as the devils balls
When something even slightly important happenes...imma let you know...until then...imma stay random as the devils balls
well its official now...i picked orders this afternoon and im heading to japan for the next 4 years. I wanted japan since i found out it was availiable but i got the one ship i didnt want...so i dont know if i am happy or mad. Also im leaving all my family behind...as far behind as i can possibly get...i still dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I have alot of thinking of what to do now...where will life take me with this next opportunity...will this help me become the man i want to be or hinder it.
damn...its been about a week since i did one of these things...i been buisier then i thought. Nothing new is happening yet...not till next week...got my physical fitness assessment next week...what fun. On a lighter side im dc bound saturday...gonna look around and have some fun with a friend of mine...if all goes well i should get my back done the weekend after my pfa...should be the 9th if i did my math right.
so i had the most boring day in class today...i literally just sat there not doing anything at all...so that means that all i did today is workout this afternoon...and im drinkin now
on another note it looks like my weekend will consist of drinkin and playin guitar hero if i cant get in toch with this damn girl...this whole trip to dc was her idea and i cant get in touch with her since monday...fuck it
on another note it looks like my weekend will consist of drinkin and playin guitar hero if i cant get in toch with this damn girl...this whole trip to dc was her idea and i cant get in touch with her since monday...fuck it
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