srsly guise i need you to cheer the fuck up. life is short but awesome if you let it be. that's easier said than done, however. fortunately, i know all your problems & i've solved them:
1) she/he doesn't love/like you back
- as of 2008 there where approximately 6,692,030,277 living in the world. depending on your proximity to a major city 1-10 million of those individuals live close enough to bone you. a very very very modest estimate says at least a couple thousand of those are attracted to you & have similar interests/kinks/movie collections as you do (although, to be honest is probably more in the ten thousands). chalk it up to that person not being as awesome as you and go look for the other 9999 in your area who are. they're not in your computer.
2) my mom/dad/family doesn't understand/accept/get/like/love me
- in 40 or so years, you will be an old person. you will totally dig kids who remind you of how you were when you were young & want to mentor/care for them as though they were your own because you know how rough it can be out there. similarly, there are plenty dope crazy old folks out there with tats & weird idiosyncrasies who will love you in the way your rents don't know how to. (here's one of them now)
not everyody should've had kids & family is a societal construct. bone someone awesome & build your own.
3) my job sucks
- most people's jobs suck. the only people who have awesome jobs were the ones who weren't scared to risk being homeless/jobless/alone/or otherwise uncomfortable to get what they wanted (and also rich people who were born that way, they tend to have awesome jobs too). so let go of your responsibilities & go be who you wanted to be when you were 5 (an astronaut, right?) either that, or start playing hilarious pranks on your boss. soak a tampon in red ink & drop it in her purse, navigate his web browser to playgirl.com while he's in the can, or empty a bottle of eye-drops in their iced coffee. don't forget to invest your money so you can retire early.
4) my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband sucks
- dump 'em. see reason #1 above.
5) this sandwich is dry when i clearly asked for mayo.
- what?? clearly you need to wreck some shit. flip some tables, smack a counter person, light a fire. get the mayo first though.
6) i'm fat & don't like myself
- first off, if you have that big of a problem with it, then fix it. complaining about being plus sized is like complaining about having curly hair because 1) curly hair is hot & 2) flat irons have been invented (dig the metaphor?). these people freaking love you: big cuddly boys + plus-sized women and they're totally hot. if that doesn't help you get your self-love meter out of the gutter then lose the weight & be a happy skinny person. just love you, that is what people find sexy. downers=flaccid peens.
7) i'm ugly & don't like myself
- says who? how many supermodels/celebs have you seen that you weren't impressed with? yet they get paid millions to be that ugly on camera. everybody has the ability to be sexy. remember what you were wearing when you felt the best about your appearance & go buy a wardrobe that looks like you did that day. throw away everything else. get a hot hair cut. shave your pubes. just love you, that is what people find sexy. downers=flaccid peens.
8) anything else?
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1) she/he doesn't love/like you back
- as of 2008 there where approximately 6,692,030,277 living in the world. depending on your proximity to a major city 1-10 million of those individuals live close enough to bone you. a very very very modest estimate says at least a couple thousand of those are attracted to you & have similar interests/kinks/movie collections as you do (although, to be honest is probably more in the ten thousands). chalk it up to that person not being as awesome as you and go look for the other 9999 in your area who are. they're not in your computer.
2) my mom/dad/family doesn't understand/accept/get/like/love me
- in 40 or so years, you will be an old person. you will totally dig kids who remind you of how you were when you were young & want to mentor/care for them as though they were your own because you know how rough it can be out there. similarly, there are plenty dope crazy old folks out there with tats & weird idiosyncrasies who will love you in the way your rents don't know how to. (here's one of them now)
not everyody should've had kids & family is a societal construct. bone someone awesome & build your own.
3) my job sucks
- most people's jobs suck. the only people who have awesome jobs were the ones who weren't scared to risk being homeless/jobless/alone/or otherwise uncomfortable to get what they wanted (and also rich people who were born that way, they tend to have awesome jobs too). so let go of your responsibilities & go be who you wanted to be when you were 5 (an astronaut, right?) either that, or start playing hilarious pranks on your boss. soak a tampon in red ink & drop it in her purse, navigate his web browser to playgirl.com while he's in the can, or empty a bottle of eye-drops in their iced coffee. don't forget to invest your money so you can retire early.
4) my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband sucks
- dump 'em. see reason #1 above.
5) this sandwich is dry when i clearly asked for mayo.
- what?? clearly you need to wreck some shit. flip some tables, smack a counter person, light a fire. get the mayo first though.
6) i'm fat & don't like myself
- first off, if you have that big of a problem with it, then fix it. complaining about being plus sized is like complaining about having curly hair because 1) curly hair is hot & 2) flat irons have been invented (dig the metaphor?). these people freaking love you: big cuddly boys + plus-sized women and they're totally hot. if that doesn't help you get your self-love meter out of the gutter then lose the weight & be a happy skinny person. just love you, that is what people find sexy. downers=flaccid peens.
7) i'm ugly & don't like myself
- says who? how many supermodels/celebs have you seen that you weren't impressed with? yet they get paid millions to be that ugly on camera. everybody has the ability to be sexy. remember what you were wearing when you felt the best about your appearance & go buy a wardrobe that looks like you did that day. throw away everything else. get a hot hair cut. shave your pubes. just love you, that is what people find sexy. downers=flaccid peens.
8) anything else?
-
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
thank you.....
just call it like I see it....