Repost from Myspace... October 2, 2006
Changes... Nate.
There isn't a single one person who can come into your life and not have some kind of effect on you. There once was a time when you were in my life that I thought you would never disappear. For nearly five years I thought that you were the only one for me. I would have dropped everything - I DID drop everything just to be with you. I changed my whole life. I stopped living crazily and I moved across the country. I left everything that I had ever known just to take a peek into what I thought with great certainty was going to turn into everything I had ever wanted. Unfortunately, the changes that I was willing to make for you, you weren't willing to make for me. You couldn't accept me the way that I was and you couldn't be completely honest with me about how you were feeling. I am a very accepting person. You know that I would have been there for you no matter what was going on in your head. No matter what, I would have stood by you forever. I knew that you cheated. I knew that you had cheated before any of the bullshit even came up with Ashley and all those other girls. Why you couldn't just be honest with me while we were together, I don't know if I will ever understand. I guess we were just both in a situation where it was easier to live the lies than it was to just come clean and tell each other what was going on in our heads.
From our relationship, I have learned so much about myself and I have learned so much about what I am and am not willing to do for my partner. I know that I am a strong woman and I know that I have a personality that radiates. I know that there are things about me that I need to work on. I have worked on my jealousy issues to the point that there are none. I know that when I find the person I am meant to be with, I will know. I will be happy, he will be happy, and there will be no doubt in my mind that the place I am is where I need to be. I know that I can love whole-heartedly and I know that sometimes I get ahead of myself. That's what scares me. I am so afraid that I will finally find the one who lights up my life once again and puts that spark back into my heart, and they will learn something about me that he just hates, and he will leave. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of second-guessing myself. I just want to find someone who will love me the way that I will love them back. I have to find the person who will let me be me and still love every one of my little quirks.
You changed me. Everything changes. Everything has its effect on everything else. I know that when I was growing up, I had my whole life ahead of me and I knew that I was going to be something great. I knew that I was going to take my writing and take my love of music and be somebody. I was going to do something that made the whole world nod their heads and say, "yeah that's it right there" I never planned on my heart getting in the way of every plan I had ever made from day one. I never realized when I was growing up that you can't just find someone and make them want to share everything you want to share. You can't just pick someone and know that they will be your perfect mate. You have to communicate, you have to trust; you have to have common goals. You can't hold each other back and you can't sacrifice your dreams just to make room for that other person. I was so young and innocent once. There was a time when I thought that nothing could stop me. I knew I was going to be happy with my life. Everything changes. People change people. Events change people. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me into what I am today. No matter how much I have been hurt and how much people have tore down my innocence and my trust, I am still here. I am still me. No matter what happens in my life, and no matter how much I change and grow and learn about myself, there is still that little girl somewhere in me who knows that she will find greatness.
You changed, too, you know. You used to be scared and quiet and hopeful, just like me. Then you went away and you came back and you were this confident, radiant person who had his whole life ahead of him. You were smart, and you had a plan. What happened to the plan, Nate? Everything that we thought we had wanted just sort of disappeared. You were always leaving. You were always plotting and planning and scheming. We could have been perfect. There was a time when I could look into your eyes and I saw everything all unfolding. I thought we had it all But our lack of communication proved that what we actually had was just comfort. Sometimes comfort isn't enough (which you proved when you left and came back and left and came back and left and didn't come back.) Obviously we were too young and nave to start out when we did. But I know that you've learned, and I know that I've learned, and you are married and have started your family already and I am in a different place. We just couldn't hold it together and I don't want to fault either of us for that I just want you to know that there was never ever a single person in my life who I have ever loved as much as I loved you. You will never find another person for as long as you live who would have loved you so fully and unconditionally as I loved, and would have continued to love you. But you can't just keep pulling away from me and keep pulling away from me and then wonder why I'm not there anymore. The heart can only take so much pain before it just gives up.
I don't know where you are now, or what you're doing, and I know that there is probably no one in the entire world, who will ever read this, but I do want you to know that now, after almost two years, I am finally over you. I can finally look back at what we had and not feel the anger and the resentment and the strain that I have always felt when I thought of you or us. It was so hard to even just hear about you, and being friends with Krysti and living with Ashley made that impossible to avoid. I couldn't understand how I could be standing somewhere willing to give up everything that I was just to make another person happy, and all the other person could ever think about was how to get out; how to get away from the whole situation. I couldn't understand how you and I could be in such totally different worlds when really we were both right there in the same place But now I see that we really weren't right there in that same place. I was right there, and you were somewhere else. I wish you could have just told me that, though, instead of just running away.
..oOo..
Changes... Nate.
There isn't a single one person who can come into your life and not have some kind of effect on you. There once was a time when you were in my life that I thought you would never disappear. For nearly five years I thought that you were the only one for me. I would have dropped everything - I DID drop everything just to be with you. I changed my whole life. I stopped living crazily and I moved across the country. I left everything that I had ever known just to take a peek into what I thought with great certainty was going to turn into everything I had ever wanted. Unfortunately, the changes that I was willing to make for you, you weren't willing to make for me. You couldn't accept me the way that I was and you couldn't be completely honest with me about how you were feeling. I am a very accepting person. You know that I would have been there for you no matter what was going on in your head. No matter what, I would have stood by you forever. I knew that you cheated. I knew that you had cheated before any of the bullshit even came up with Ashley and all those other girls. Why you couldn't just be honest with me while we were together, I don't know if I will ever understand. I guess we were just both in a situation where it was easier to live the lies than it was to just come clean and tell each other what was going on in our heads.
From our relationship, I have learned so much about myself and I have learned so much about what I am and am not willing to do for my partner. I know that I am a strong woman and I know that I have a personality that radiates. I know that there are things about me that I need to work on. I have worked on my jealousy issues to the point that there are none. I know that when I find the person I am meant to be with, I will know. I will be happy, he will be happy, and there will be no doubt in my mind that the place I am is where I need to be. I know that I can love whole-heartedly and I know that sometimes I get ahead of myself. That's what scares me. I am so afraid that I will finally find the one who lights up my life once again and puts that spark back into my heart, and they will learn something about me that he just hates, and he will leave. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of second-guessing myself. I just want to find someone who will love me the way that I will love them back. I have to find the person who will let me be me and still love every one of my little quirks.
You changed me. Everything changes. Everything has its effect on everything else. I know that when I was growing up, I had my whole life ahead of me and I knew that I was going to be something great. I knew that I was going to take my writing and take my love of music and be somebody. I was going to do something that made the whole world nod their heads and say, "yeah that's it right there" I never planned on my heart getting in the way of every plan I had ever made from day one. I never realized when I was growing up that you can't just find someone and make them want to share everything you want to share. You can't just pick someone and know that they will be your perfect mate. You have to communicate, you have to trust; you have to have common goals. You can't hold each other back and you can't sacrifice your dreams just to make room for that other person. I was so young and innocent once. There was a time when I thought that nothing could stop me. I knew I was going to be happy with my life. Everything changes. People change people. Events change people. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me into what I am today. No matter how much I have been hurt and how much people have tore down my innocence and my trust, I am still here. I am still me. No matter what happens in my life, and no matter how much I change and grow and learn about myself, there is still that little girl somewhere in me who knows that she will find greatness.
You changed, too, you know. You used to be scared and quiet and hopeful, just like me. Then you went away and you came back and you were this confident, radiant person who had his whole life ahead of him. You were smart, and you had a plan. What happened to the plan, Nate? Everything that we thought we had wanted just sort of disappeared. You were always leaving. You were always plotting and planning and scheming. We could have been perfect. There was a time when I could look into your eyes and I saw everything all unfolding. I thought we had it all But our lack of communication proved that what we actually had was just comfort. Sometimes comfort isn't enough (which you proved when you left and came back and left and came back and left and didn't come back.) Obviously we were too young and nave to start out when we did. But I know that you've learned, and I know that I've learned, and you are married and have started your family already and I am in a different place. We just couldn't hold it together and I don't want to fault either of us for that I just want you to know that there was never ever a single person in my life who I have ever loved as much as I loved you. You will never find another person for as long as you live who would have loved you so fully and unconditionally as I loved, and would have continued to love you. But you can't just keep pulling away from me and keep pulling away from me and then wonder why I'm not there anymore. The heart can only take so much pain before it just gives up.
I don't know where you are now, or what you're doing, and I know that there is probably no one in the entire world, who will ever read this, but I do want you to know that now, after almost two years, I am finally over you. I can finally look back at what we had and not feel the anger and the resentment and the strain that I have always felt when I thought of you or us. It was so hard to even just hear about you, and being friends with Krysti and living with Ashley made that impossible to avoid. I couldn't understand how I could be standing somewhere willing to give up everything that I was just to make another person happy, and all the other person could ever think about was how to get out; how to get away from the whole situation. I couldn't understand how you and I could be in such totally different worlds when really we were both right there in the same place But now I see that we really weren't right there in that same place. I was right there, and you were somewhere else. I wish you could have just told me that, though, instead of just running away.
..oOo..