It's been a year exactly since I cut you out of my life. I had a few back steps for a few weeks but I did it. I left you. I spent NYE last year crying my eyes out over you and the next few weeks feeling as low as I've ever felt in my life. Then something happened...I had an after work drink with a coworker. Now we are engaged and I'm as happy as I've ever been. He gives me everything you never bothered to and more. Thank you for being such a jerk that It made me finally realize I deserve more. Without your callousness I wouldn't be getting twin boy stepmommy hugs and meaningful trinkets for no reason from my love.
HAPPY 2011 TO ME!!!

Thank God Mark was an only child. He was the kind of person that would have given any sibling a rival so intense it would have created hatred. Hatred was the driving force of him still. He hated himself so thoroughly it was impossible to understand for most, including me. He was amazing at everything he did. So insanely smart the only thing his brain could comprehend was insanity. He didn't have to try the way everyone else did. If he wanted to play an instrument he picked it up and made music. If he wanted to draw he put his pen to the paper and art was born. When he decided to write poetry, his insanity made him inately perfect for the task. When he looked in your eyes, proclaimed love for you, it melted you. It made you forget every single thing you've ever known and just believe. It made a sane person crazy, a sober person a drunk, a cynic a believer. He never slept. He passed out from pure exhaustion or drunkeness. His mind never rested. Even his dreams were haunted by needles, powdered lines and bottles. He had mistaken too many wolves as kind and as such despised happiness of any kind. There were moments and things he wanted to believe in. Animals, children and innocence struck his heart so profoundly he would break from his normal shell and be sensitive, kind and loving. He could callouslywalk past a bum freezing in Northern Virginia winter, only to scoop up a neglected puppy lovingly into his arms a block later. More to come as I find the words to say............

sonofabitch emo Bran calm down!
Its amazing how much can change in the time that I think to write here. I've moved, met an amazing man that gets the quintessential ridiculousness that is me, and I'm bordering on happy. I'm stressed about finding a new job and terrified to put myself out there in the "real job" workforce but fuck it.
In retrospect I"m glad S was still in love with his ex, I wish he hadn't lied(hence the emo last post) but now that I know the truth I'm over it. I'm glad things turned out the way they did bc I finally grew up after him. I realized that the bad boy, the dangerous one, all that...is a lie. I thought that was the only thing that could turn me on...but ya know what's even sexier..being wanted. being myself with all my quirks..and knowing he loves that. Laughing...stupid txt msgs and listening to him talk about his kids. THAT is my new sexy. THAT is what makes me love being with him. Forget playing the game, trying to be cool and NOT have emotions. Being ME is what makes me feel awesome right now...and I hope it stays that way.

someone called me beauiful last night. Even if he was wasted and wasn't even trying to hit on me....it made my night, and made me blush.

Im making New Years Resolutions for the simple fact that I'm tired. I'm doing it because I don't like my life and where I've ended up. I've allowed myself to be compleacent so long that now I"m miserable. I want love in my life, I want to not be lonely, I'm tired of doing everything myself. I won't find solace with that with my current situation though, so I ended it and I'm trying very hard to not miss my best friend and to be realistic when by nature I'm not a rational person, I m an emotional one. I just keep thinking that sometime in the next year someone will love me, someone will get heart jumps when I walk into a room like I used to when he did. I'm trying to better myself but dammit this is hard. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

Romance is getting up to go to the kitchen for water when you're both too hungover to move.........that's what I want.