I have to leave

I hate wearing a tie.

I think I'm being stalked.

I come from a long line of woodspeople.....you know- the kind that you can drop off in the middle of a 10,000 acre forest nakid with no tools.....and have them show up the next day at your house....fully clothed with a picture of the 3 story cabin they had built the night before.....only to drop off some fresh produce they had grown this morning..and then head back to tend to the garden and cabin.
My great-grandfather was one of the first people to climb all of the Adironack peaks...and helped to start the Adirondack Club...he and his wife lived comfortably until the ages of 105 and 104.
Both of my Grandfathers are in their 80's and refuse to lead the life of normal old people...
At the age of 83 one of my grandfathers was climbing a tree to remove some dead branches on a plot of land he owns in upstate NY.....he ended up slipping and falling 15 ft. to the ground ...breaking his leg, arm and ribs......he couldn't move to get help.....so he ended up where he had fallen 17 hours before he was found by a family member....8 months later he was back at that same tree to finish the job.
My other Grandparents built(with their own hands) a beautiful cabin on the shores of a quiet lake more then 50 years ago...it cost them a total of 500$...they are now surrounded by close to fifty cabins/houses on that same lake all with an average value of well over 200,000$ apeice.....one of them actually has a swimming pool no more then 20 ft from the shore line because "our daughters don't like to swim in the lake".
Whats going on with our society? Where is the work ethic today? Where are we placing our values?
I feel bad for the children of tomorrow...they are not going to see these types of things. Will they ever know what it's like to obtain goals with their own two hands?.....Or will they become products of the convenience that is replacing what most would consider hard work.....and others would consider satisfaction?

I came really close to hitting my father last night. I'm not a violent person at all.....so it's pretty hard for me to grasp.
I hadn't seen him in awhile...so I figured I'd spend a little time with him over the holidays. He mentioned that he'd like to cook us a nice dinner and do some catching up.....so I took him up on the invitation.
I showed up at his house around 5pm....only to find no one home....so I let myself in. He showed up about an hour later with some food supplies...and proceeded to tell me that he ran into a friend at the store whom he hadn't seen in some time.......I knew by the way he was telling me....that he intended to go back out to spend a little more time catching up with his friend at the local bar........I told him it was fine and that I'd wait to eat with him later- after all he would only be gone an hour...so he said. So he left at 6pm.
I got tired of waiting so I had made some food around 9..called some friends and let them know I wouldn't be making it to see them... at this point I knew before I called them what I'd be getting into when he returned.
Around 11:30 he stumbled in the door....face red....voice deeper and a bit slower. The first thing that comes out of his mouth is...."how was dinner"...trying to be funny I presumed.....I didn't answer back....he then says "want to hear about my night".....I told him.."no......I want to hear about why I was invited here". He then proceeded to ramble on in an incoherent- drunken manner....something about "loving" and "caring" and "good childhood". It took a second to set in...who the fuck was this guy pretending to be?......I decided to remind him that- the only time I've ever heard the word "love" come out of his mouth was when he was extremely drunk......The only time that he's shown any sort of "caring" was when I was around the age of 12.. he visited me in the hospital...after he had put me there in the first place.......The only thing "good" about my "childhood"...was the fact that I learned to take care of myself at an early age.
It didn't seem to settle well with him.......He stood up.....walked over to me.....stuck his nose in my face and exclaimed something about me being "ungrateful" and then proceeded to invite me to hit him....
I am a 27 year old male with a decent build and a tolerance for pain....my father is a fifty two year old ex-outlaw(biker-gang) with more fights under his belt then most professonal boxers.....It was the second time in my life that I had seen red....this was my chance to finally give him what he deserved....there was no doubt in my mind that I could make him pay for being as evil as he really is.........I was shaking with the urge to hit him...when it finally struck me.....if I took a swing at him......my biggest fear in life would come true.....
I would become like him.
I walked away

Why are you here??

guilty
weak
pothead
scared to ask for directions
submissive
passionate
enemy
recluse
surprised dumbass
lingus
picked on
broken
football
nerves
superficial
future sex
md 20/20
deserving
Elvis
dog

So...it's official..
Next spring I'll be helping to start an organic farm in upstate NY. Life throws some pretty strange curve balls... I never would have thought this could be my life 2 years ago....but the older I get the more I realize how much being a part of this system is costing my sanity. I'm so fucking tired of working for corporations....so fucking tired of watching my friends and myself fall into a thankless/ungratifying routine, with nothing positive acquired by the end of a week....except a paycheck.
So I quit my job as a communications tech/foreman. I was making incredible $$...being able to afford pretty much anything I wanted.....except contentment. It wasn't worth it. I'd rather shovel pig shit and bust my ass for a 1/16th of the $.....while providing something useful for my community...as opposed to adding to the evils of convenience.

"Oh comley i will be with you when you loose your breath chasing the only meaningful memory you thought you had left with some pretty bright and bubbly terrible scene that was doing her thing on your chest but oh comely it isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess oh comely all of your friends are all letting you blow bursting with fruits falling out from the holes of some pretty bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting things in your ear but oh comely there isn't such one friend that you could find here standing next to me he's only my enemy i'll crush him with everything i own your father made fetuses with flesh licking ladies while you and your mother were asleep in the trailer-park thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums the music and medicine you needed for comforting so make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving and pluck all your silly strings and bend all your notes for me and soft silly music is meaningful magical the movements were beautiful all in your ovaries all of them milking with green fleshy flowers while powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines smelling of semen all under the garden was all you were needing when you still believed in me and i know they buried her body with others her sister and mother and 500 families and will she remember me 50 years later i wished i could save her in some sort of time machine know all your enemies we know who our enemies are goldaline my dear we will fold and freeze together far away from here there is sun and spring and green forever but now we move to feel for ourselves inside some strangers stomach place your body here let your skin begin to blend itsself with mine"- neutral milk hotel

I've been thinking a lot lately about my past creative outlets....the music....the writing....the building
I'm having a hard time finding excuses as to why I've let so much time go by without these loves of my life.
All I want to do lately is be a voyeur.