Schue: Well thank you Rachel. That's certainly a... um... direction... that we could consider. Now Quinn. Time for your rendition of Marilyn Mansons 'High on a Hill Lived a Lonely Goatherd'.
Walking to work this morning and I pass a front door,unremarkable in so many ways.... except that,pinned to it,there was a little 2" high wooden robin,with a little plaque beneath saying 'Lapland', and a tiny little gold gift.
IT'S 8TH OCT YOU XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX!!
TONIGHT I.WILL CAMP OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU GET HOME AND SNEAK IN AND RIP OFF YOUR XXXXX XXXXX AND VIOLATE YOUR STILL.STEAMING GUSHING NECK STUMP WITH A XXXXXXX CORNCOB XXXXX XXX YOU XXXX!
IT'S 8TH OCT YOU XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX!!
TONIGHT I.WILL CAMP OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU GET HOME AND SNEAK IN AND RIP OFF YOUR XXXXX XXXXX AND VIOLATE YOUR STILL.STEAMING GUSHING NECK STUMP WITH A XXXXXXX CORNCOB XXXXX XXX YOU XXXX!
So... I'm at Victoria station late last night, have the munchies. Head for Burger King.
Now I have a habit of whistling old musical numbers when my mind is wandering, and Kismet is a favourite. So it's Stranger in Paradise. As I get to the queue this drunk arabian looking guy in an expensive suit steps in front of me. I carry on whistling. He turns to me. He's about 5'6" and I'm 6'3" and almost 20 stone. "Do you really have to?" he asks. "Well as you just pushed in front of me, yeah I think I really do!" I carry on, actually singing the occasional lyric that I can remember..."I saw your face and I lah-dah-deeee. up from the commonplaaace, into the laaaaaahhhh...." whistle whistle whistle all about 12 inches from the guys right ear.
"Right! I hope you enjoy annoying everyone else here tonight, cos you're a CUNT!!" stomp-stomp-stomp off.
"Actually this was specifically to annoy you. Now you're fucking off I'm gonna stop. Have a good evening."
The moral?
Do not fuck with the power of classic musical theatre. Especially from a twenty-stone passive-aggressive mutant in a kilt.
Now I have a habit of whistling old musical numbers when my mind is wandering, and Kismet is a favourite. So it's Stranger in Paradise. As I get to the queue this drunk arabian looking guy in an expensive suit steps in front of me. I carry on whistling. He turns to me. He's about 5'6" and I'm 6'3" and almost 20 stone. "Do you really have to?" he asks. "Well as you just pushed in front of me, yeah I think I really do!" I carry on, actually singing the occasional lyric that I can remember..."I saw your face and I lah-dah-deeee. up from the commonplaaace, into the laaaaaahhhh...." whistle whistle whistle all about 12 inches from the guys right ear.
"Right! I hope you enjoy annoying everyone else here tonight, cos you're a CUNT!!" stomp-stomp-stomp off.
"Actually this was specifically to annoy you. Now you're fucking off I'm gonna stop. Have a good evening."
The moral?
Do not fuck with the power of classic musical theatre. Especially from a twenty-stone passive-aggressive mutant in a kilt.
Growing your own herbs. Pros: A never ending supply of basil. Cons: Visitors walk into your flat and say '*sniff* I didn't know you had a cat!'
Note to self: purchasing a cheap plug-in phone that doesn't need a mains powered base-unit for emergencies such as power-cuts so I can phone the electricity board would probably be a good idea.
I swear, one octogenarian former Nazi religiously fanatical cult leader turns up on the doorstep and the whole bloody country goes loopy.
Consider the fugu:
The only way of safely eating this phenomenally poisonous fish is to prepare it by removing every single spine, the innards and (most importantly), the liver.
This has to be removed intact otherwise the poison inside will leak into the fish.
The thing is... how do we know this?
Was there some Japanese sushi-chef 300 years ago who thought "Well, there has to be SOME way to eat the bastard!"
And the dinner invitations... "Oh SHIT!! Toshiro has invited us to their 25th anniversary! WHAT DO WE DOOOOO??"
"Is he cooking?"
"He's Lord Mufunes fucking SUSHI CHEF!! Of COURSE he's cooking you TIT!!!"
"No fucking WAY!! They're still dredging the river after his daughters 18th."
What I'm trying to get here is... after the first 5 people have dropped dead from the deadly neurotoxins in their pack-lunch... why the hell would people carry on trying?
"Okay... that's the spleen and the left ventricle taken out. Try 'em on that one... No? MutherFUCKER!!.... Okay let's try the gall bladder and the kidneys, see what happens then. HEY!! WHO the FUCK did I hear just ask for KETCHUP?"
The only way of safely eating this phenomenally poisonous fish is to prepare it by removing every single spine, the innards and (most importantly), the liver.
This has to be removed intact otherwise the poison inside will leak into the fish.
The thing is... how do we know this?
Was there some Japanese sushi-chef 300 years ago who thought "Well, there has to be SOME way to eat the bastard!"
And the dinner invitations... "Oh SHIT!! Toshiro has invited us to their 25th anniversary! WHAT DO WE DOOOOO??"
"Is he cooking?"
"He's Lord Mufunes fucking SUSHI CHEF!! Of COURSE he's cooking you TIT!!!"
"No fucking WAY!! They're still dredging the river after his daughters 18th."
What I'm trying to get here is... after the first 5 people have dropped dead from the deadly neurotoxins in their pack-lunch... why the hell would people carry on trying?
"Okay... that's the spleen and the left ventricle taken out. Try 'em on that one... No? MutherFUCKER!!.... Okay let's try the gall bladder and the kidneys, see what happens then. HEY!! WHO the FUCK did I hear just ask for KETCHUP?"
To:
the lady at the cosmetics counter in the Chemists over the road.
1) Orange is NOT a natural skin-tone.
2) PROMOTING Boots No.7 cosmetics does not mean you have to wear it all at the same time.
3) No seriously, orange is REALLY not a natural skin-tone... unless you're an oompa loompa or presenting daytime TV.
the lady at the cosmetics counter in the Chemists over the road.
1) Orange is NOT a natural skin-tone.
2) PROMOTING Boots No.7 cosmetics does not mean you have to wear it all at the same time.
3) No seriously, orange is REALLY not a natural skin-tone... unless you're an oompa loompa or presenting daytime TV.
CAFFEINE CRISIS...
R
Once again I have mistaken 'too much coffee' for 'not being tired'.
The net result; I stay up til one AM last night playing Assassins Creed 2 ,then crash,awakening at six this morning,feeling exhausted... so I have another coffee and wonder why it is I feel twitchy,irritable and jumpy.
R
Once again I have mistaken 'too much coffee' for 'not being tired'.
The net result; I stay up til one AM last night playing Assassins Creed 2 ,then crash,awakening at six this morning,feeling exhausted... so I have another coffee and wonder why it is I feel twitchy,irritable and jumpy.
