I decided that I shall share with you a few choice excerpts from my soon-to-be-released cookbook. It is not in recipe-by-recipe format like so many other books of this nature. Rather it goes through chapters and, if followed correctly, whatever you choose to make will be delicious and will only eat through a small fraction of your intestinal lining. This is the first in a long series of self-help books that I shall pen. I am currently in the market for a good publisher.
Let's help ourselves to some self help.
nullPrologue: Decision Thyme
A dire situation. Your stomach quakes and roars out a sound like a rusty car door opening. Are you pregnant? Sitting on a vibrating cell phone? Did a Ridley Scott-esque Alien visit you in the night and lay eggs in your belly?
Nay. Thou art hungry.
Chapter 1: Chews Wisely
A time-tested way to choose what to cook is to go through your refrigerator and check expiration dates. Two weeks more freshness? See you in 13 days, friend. You found something that expires in 15 minutes? You've got a one way ticket to flavor country, population yum.
Chapter 2: Setting the Sage
Cooking is like making love. You often regret it, it is often watched on television, and every man wants a women who is good at it or is willing to pay someone else to do it for you. Also, it is better done while listening to music. What kind you may ask? Just to keep the tone of the act, I suggest bands with food names. Some of my personal favorites: Cake, Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cream. If your mouth isn't watering yet, turn those speakers up.
Chapter 10: Meat Your Maker
If you are putting whatever meat you decided to use into a sauce or other mixture, you will want to cut it into smaller pieces. A useful tip is to remember that meat is easiest to cut apart after it is cooked (or before the animal is killed, if you are lucky enough to be a part of that).
Chapter 25: Credit Where Credit is Fon-Due
When your dish has been eaten or thoroughly suffered through, there will likely be a smoldering pile of dishes covered in whatever filth you decided to shovel into your talk-hole. Do not fret! Remember the magic words, "bite me, I cooked." Let the partakers wrinkle their hands in their mess. This is assuming that you had friends to share food with, of course.
Fin
I hope you enjoyed these excerpts.
There certainly were a lot of hyphens in that
Let's help ourselves to some self help.
nullPrologue: Decision Thyme
A dire situation. Your stomach quakes and roars out a sound like a rusty car door opening. Are you pregnant? Sitting on a vibrating cell phone? Did a Ridley Scott-esque Alien visit you in the night and lay eggs in your belly?
Nay. Thou art hungry.
Chapter 1: Chews Wisely
A time-tested way to choose what to cook is to go through your refrigerator and check expiration dates. Two weeks more freshness? See you in 13 days, friend. You found something that expires in 15 minutes? You've got a one way ticket to flavor country, population yum.
Chapter 2: Setting the Sage
Cooking is like making love. You often regret it, it is often watched on television, and every man wants a women who is good at it or is willing to pay someone else to do it for you. Also, it is better done while listening to music. What kind you may ask? Just to keep the tone of the act, I suggest bands with food names. Some of my personal favorites: Cake, Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cream. If your mouth isn't watering yet, turn those speakers up.
Chapter 10: Meat Your Maker
If you are putting whatever meat you decided to use into a sauce or other mixture, you will want to cut it into smaller pieces. A useful tip is to remember that meat is easiest to cut apart after it is cooked (or before the animal is killed, if you are lucky enough to be a part of that).
Chapter 25: Credit Where Credit is Fon-Due
When your dish has been eaten or thoroughly suffered through, there will likely be a smoldering pile of dishes covered in whatever filth you decided to shovel into your talk-hole. Do not fret! Remember the magic words, "bite me, I cooked." Let the partakers wrinkle their hands in their mess. This is assuming that you had friends to share food with, of course.
Fin
I hope you enjoyed these excerpts.
There certainly were a lot of hyphens in that
Someone send me a question for Ask Dr. Brian!
I refuse to make these things up and I need to write one.
If you don't, I'll be forced to act out my aggression on the nearest adorable puppy.
His life is in your hands.
I refuse to make these things up and I need to write one.
If you don't, I'll be forced to act out my aggression on the nearest adorable puppy.
His life is in your hands.
Let's see if I remember how to do this.
Welcome to Ask Dr. Brian! For those of you who are new, that exclamation point at the end of "Brian" has always been there and is part of the title of this on-again-off-again cyber relationship disguised as a help column. In case you were wondering, yes, that does imply that you must yell "Ask Dr. Brian!" every time you say it.
My bad.
So I haven't written one of these in quite a while. Months? Over a year? Why, you ask? Did you lose interest? Did you throw your computer out the window? Did a freak accident involving a Guinea pig, Black Velvet Canadian Whiskey, and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos render you unable to type?
Yes, yes, and almost.
The simple reason why I haven't written an ADB! is because no one sends me letters any more. I am the neglected grandparent whom you forget to call on his birthday, yet he never forgets yours.
Well here is that sweater I knitted for you.
Today's question comes from an anonymous source.
Let's call him...uh...Wounded in Worcester.
Dear Dr. Brian,
What are your thoughts on myspace [and facebook] and relationships? Specifically, if you break up with a person should you still keep them as a friend? She was mad as [expletive deleted] that I deleted her, well [expletive deleted] her! What are your thoughts on dating in a tech-savvy world?
Signed,
Wounded in Worcester
Dear Wounded,
This is a (albeit shamefully) common problem within society today, especially amongst people between the ages 13 and...well...14. Okay, so maybe it extends out to around age 25 or so. This is not a question that I can answer with any kind of surety since it really depends upon the circumstances and, in the end, is simply a matter of opinion.
But my opinion is better than anyone else's.
First of all, should you delete them? This depends on the length of the relationship, the degree of intimacy, and the attitude of the break-up.
The first is obvious. If you only dated for a week, it couldn't be serious enough of a split to warrant the social-networking equivalent of murder.
The latter seems to hold dominance over the other two. No matter how you felt about someone or how long you dated, if the break-up led to a fist fight wherein the cops were called and someone was taken to the hospital in a zipped-up black bag, you are definitely going to drop them from your top friends.
Finally, your degree of intimacy plays a major role. If you break up with someone whom you've never kissed then you probably won't be too devastated and, therefore, will not be upset by seeing them show up in your friends list every so often. On the other hand, this is further proof of how sex can complicate everything. Most people don't enjoy running across exes whom they've seen naked. Unless they happen to be naked then also, which can be either great or terrible, depending on who's naked.
What was I talking about? Oh, yes.
Second, I wanted to touch on something you didn't ask: What the hell are the rest of us supposed to do when our friends break up? This probably comes up more often than the last question since we all have friends (even if they're imaginary) but not all of us have significant others (or insignificant others). I believe the rules are different for men and women.
Men:
It is man-law that when your friend breaks up with his girlfriend, she is no longer your friend. Damn it, I've broken this law more than enough to know that not following will F things up for serious. Of course, if the woman was your friend, it works the other way as well. It doesn't matter if you liked hanging out with the ex. They're gone. Sorry men, you gotta choose sides on this one. Oh, and I would also like to tackle the belief that it is okay to date your friend's ex after a seven month grace period. If they were seriously dating (i.e. if the break-up caused ANY physical or emotional pain), it is NEVER OKAY to date your friend's ex-girlfriend. End of conversation.
Women:
I don't know. Does anyone have a copy of the ladies' rulebook? I wish I knew, but when all else fails, just do what I described for the men.
One final note, if you do have to remove your significant other from your friends list, you also must remove all of THEIR friends. You know, the ones you won't be talking to any more and you kinda like that because they always stared at you like you weren't good enough for her and you're all thinking "Who the hell are you? You do her hair before prom and suddenly you can judge every boyfriend she has? Bite me." and even though you watch the Gilmore Girls with them every week they still think you're a jerk and you know when you're gone they try to get her to leave you...
I blacked out.
Well I hope that whatever I wrote answered your questions. So send me your emails and I promise to get back to you.
Best of luck,
The Hon. Rev. Dr. Brian C. Soto, Esq.
~SeaQuest Out~
Welcome to Ask Dr. Brian! For those of you who are new, that exclamation point at the end of "Brian" has always been there and is part of the title of this on-again-off-again cyber relationship disguised as a help column. In case you were wondering, yes, that does imply that you must yell "Ask Dr. Brian!" every time you say it.
My bad.
So I haven't written one of these in quite a while. Months? Over a year? Why, you ask? Did you lose interest? Did you throw your computer out the window? Did a freak accident involving a Guinea pig, Black Velvet Canadian Whiskey, and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos render you unable to type?
Yes, yes, and almost.
The simple reason why I haven't written an ADB! is because no one sends me letters any more. I am the neglected grandparent whom you forget to call on his birthday, yet he never forgets yours.
Well here is that sweater I knitted for you.
Today's question comes from an anonymous source.
Let's call him...uh...Wounded in Worcester.
Dear Dr. Brian,
What are your thoughts on myspace [and facebook] and relationships? Specifically, if you break up with a person should you still keep them as a friend? She was mad as [expletive deleted] that I deleted her, well [expletive deleted] her! What are your thoughts on dating in a tech-savvy world?
Signed,
Wounded in Worcester
Dear Wounded,
This is a (albeit shamefully) common problem within society today, especially amongst people between the ages 13 and...well...14. Okay, so maybe it extends out to around age 25 or so. This is not a question that I can answer with any kind of surety since it really depends upon the circumstances and, in the end, is simply a matter of opinion.
But my opinion is better than anyone else's.
First of all, should you delete them? This depends on the length of the relationship, the degree of intimacy, and the attitude of the break-up.
The first is obvious. If you only dated for a week, it couldn't be serious enough of a split to warrant the social-networking equivalent of murder.
The latter seems to hold dominance over the other two. No matter how you felt about someone or how long you dated, if the break-up led to a fist fight wherein the cops were called and someone was taken to the hospital in a zipped-up black bag, you are definitely going to drop them from your top friends.
Finally, your degree of intimacy plays a major role. If you break up with someone whom you've never kissed then you probably won't be too devastated and, therefore, will not be upset by seeing them show up in your friends list every so often. On the other hand, this is further proof of how sex can complicate everything. Most people don't enjoy running across exes whom they've seen naked. Unless they happen to be naked then also, which can be either great or terrible, depending on who's naked.
What was I talking about? Oh, yes.
Second, I wanted to touch on something you didn't ask: What the hell are the rest of us supposed to do when our friends break up? This probably comes up more often than the last question since we all have friends (even if they're imaginary) but not all of us have significant others (or insignificant others). I believe the rules are different for men and women.
Men:
It is man-law that when your friend breaks up with his girlfriend, she is no longer your friend. Damn it, I've broken this law more than enough to know that not following will F things up for serious. Of course, if the woman was your friend, it works the other way as well. It doesn't matter if you liked hanging out with the ex. They're gone. Sorry men, you gotta choose sides on this one. Oh, and I would also like to tackle the belief that it is okay to date your friend's ex after a seven month grace period. If they were seriously dating (i.e. if the break-up caused ANY physical or emotional pain), it is NEVER OKAY to date your friend's ex-girlfriend. End of conversation.
Women:
I don't know. Does anyone have a copy of the ladies' rulebook? I wish I knew, but when all else fails, just do what I described for the men.
One final note, if you do have to remove your significant other from your friends list, you also must remove all of THEIR friends. You know, the ones you won't be talking to any more and you kinda like that because they always stared at you like you weren't good enough for her and you're all thinking "Who the hell are you? You do her hair before prom and suddenly you can judge every boyfriend she has? Bite me." and even though you watch the Gilmore Girls with them every week they still think you're a jerk and you know when you're gone they try to get her to leave you...
I blacked out.
Well I hope that whatever I wrote answered your questions. So send me your emails and I promise to get back to you.
Best of luck,
The Hon. Rev. Dr. Brian C. Soto, Esq.
~SeaQuest Out~
MURDER (OLD BLOG FOR REFERENCE'S SAKE)
It's another violent question from Kenda. Something tells me this one should be answered fast. They say a friend will help you move, but a good friend will help you move a body.
This one comes from Kenda McIntosh of Yuma, AZ.
She writes:
Dear Dr. Brian,
How many dead old people can I fit in my freezer? Assuming they are chopped up into little pieces.
LOve,
kenda
Dear Kenda,
Well, considering the size of your freezer, you'd have to empty out some of those buffalo wings you're so crazy about. I'd suggest that you boil down some of those seniors and go Jeffrey Dahmer on them (and I don't mean have sex with their dead bodies). Now it's a well known fact that senior citizens taste awful but you've made your bed now you have to lie in it...and eat it's decaying flesh or else you'll go to prison and we wouldn't want that. Now I think that you might be able to fit 3 old people in that freezer, chopped into pieces. That's 3 WHOLE old people that is. Bones, Glasses, and every wrinkly piece. Now if you take my advice and develop a taste for aged-people-meat, you might be able to fit at least 10 seniors in your freezer. I suggest buying a large butcher-shop-style freezer and keeping it in your closet. That is, if you're a serial killer. If you just happened to have a little "accident" and have some old people you wouldn't like the Po-Po to find out about, then your freezer will suffice. Now, I myself would prefer to take a long drive out to the desert and have an old-fashioned Mafia burial. This would avoid unnecessary situations like having to explain to your lovely Mother why old Mrs. Krenwinkle is sitting in her fridge.
Well I hope I answered your question. Just don't let any of them get away. That's how Gacy got caught.
"It is almost impossible for me to tell you just how cool everything is going to be right now."
I love you guys, serial killers or not,
~Seaquest Out~
It's another violent question from Kenda. Something tells me this one should be answered fast. They say a friend will help you move, but a good friend will help you move a body.
This one comes from Kenda McIntosh of Yuma, AZ.
She writes:
Dear Dr. Brian,
How many dead old people can I fit in my freezer? Assuming they are chopped up into little pieces.
LOve,
kenda
Dear Kenda,
Well, considering the size of your freezer, you'd have to empty out some of those buffalo wings you're so crazy about. I'd suggest that you boil down some of those seniors and go Jeffrey Dahmer on them (and I don't mean have sex with their dead bodies). Now it's a well known fact that senior citizens taste awful but you've made your bed now you have to lie in it...and eat it's decaying flesh or else you'll go to prison and we wouldn't want that. Now I think that you might be able to fit 3 old people in that freezer, chopped into pieces. That's 3 WHOLE old people that is. Bones, Glasses, and every wrinkly piece. Now if you take my advice and develop a taste for aged-people-meat, you might be able to fit at least 10 seniors in your freezer. I suggest buying a large butcher-shop-style freezer and keeping it in your closet. That is, if you're a serial killer. If you just happened to have a little "accident" and have some old people you wouldn't like the Po-Po to find out about, then your freezer will suffice. Now, I myself would prefer to take a long drive out to the desert and have an old-fashioned Mafia burial. This would avoid unnecessary situations like having to explain to your lovely Mother why old Mrs. Krenwinkle is sitting in her fridge.
Well I hope I answered your question. Just don't let any of them get away. That's how Gacy got caught.
"It is almost impossible for me to tell you just how cool everything is going to be right now."
I love you guys, serial killers or not,
~Seaquest Out~
Welcome once again to Ask Dr.
Brian!
This is breaking my stride of one blog post a year, but I think my readers might actually appreciate that. Of course by "my readers," I mean that one guy whom I've never met who comes in to my work to say hi to me, then proceeds to stare at me like I left my pants over at his house last night.
<img src="http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/94/creepyyh1.jpg">
Hi Phil.
I'll get straight to today's letter since I've already caught you newbies up on how this is done, or as they say in my hood, "you know how I do.
"
Word to all of your respective mothers.
Today's letter comes from Kenda McIntosh of Somewhere, USA.
(Location omitted for safety of writer)
She scribbles:
Dear Dr.
Brian!,
It has been a while but I think I can still do this
What do you do if in your youth you wrote into an online advise "Dr." with some uncouth questions about killing and eating old people and what not... and now you are trying to apply for jobs at big law firms and the first thing that comes up when you are googled is you asking how to dispose of bodies in a freezer? I know you can help me.
you always have the perfect answers
your old friend,
Kenda
Dearest, Dearest Kenda,
I understand how you must feel. There is a strange feeling of betrayal when your life is suddenly hindered by the internet.
Nowadays, we can go shopping with the internet, make the web write our term paper, and even have
relations
with our computer-boxes. So when a simple web search keeps you from landing a job, it's like your best friend, study partner, and significant other all stabbing you in the back at the same time.
And they all share one knife.
Who knows where that thing's been!?
I feel your pain though.
The last time that I googled my name, I found a website entitled "Brian Soto is a Faggot," and they didn't mean the quirky English definition of faggot, they meant
homosexual!
It turns out that either I, or someone sharing my sexy, distinguished name, infuriated two young men by snitching on them. The writer simply refers to the snitched-on duo as "Me and Manuel," making my quest for justice quite difficult.
Anyway, let us get to your problems.
Don't you just hate it when people can't forget about the silly things you did when you were young? You try on one dress and suddenly websites pop up denouncing your heterosexuality.
Anyway, the way I see it, you got a few ways of doin' things:
1)
The R.
Kelly Method:
Pretend that it wasn't you. Practice this speech: "Kenda McIntosh is such an average name. That could have been anybody. Just look at all of these Myspace profiles of girls with my same name from my hometown that I totally didn't just create myself so I could fool you." You're trying to be a lawyer.
These people respect nothing
but
liars. You can do it. It's not hard. I have three myspace profiles. One of them is for three African-American gentlemen who make up an R&B band called "Sexual High Five.
"
I heard they're pretty good.
2)
The Tennessean Senator:
Half-heartedly apologize and awkwardly try to make up for it. "(laughing) Oh yeah, sorry about that. But you know how kids can be, right? I don't actually eat homeless people. In fact, I have tons of homeless friends!" No one has homeless friends. Too needy. But if you want to go down this road, I suggest paying off a homeless person to come into the law firm with you and pose as your friend. I suggest not picking a white hobo though. They're too plain, you want to go for style here. And if he's a rambling war-veteran, jackpot. Those law-types would eat this kind of crap up.
3)
The Texas Linebacker:
Simply 'fess up and act proud of whatever the hell you just said, no matter how stupid, crazy, or racially insensitive. "Yeah I ate homeless people. I eat tons of homeless people. You wanna make somethin' of it? I use their tears as milk in my cereal! NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!" That last part is the exaggerated sound of you eating a homeless person, it's pretty crucial to the speech. Somewhere in that you need to stand up and slam your fist on their desk. Feel free to add as much cursing as possible, the more the better. I'm sure the law firm won't mind. These kind of people feed on the blood of the living.
No matter which method you choose, simply do it with confidence. Confidence and as much lying as humanly possible.
Case dismissed.
I hope I answered your question. Just keep sending me questions, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll keep writing this crap.
Night, Phil.
Love,
Dr. Brian Charles Soto, Esq.
~SeaQuest Out~
Brian!
This is breaking my stride of one blog post a year, but I think my readers might actually appreciate that. Of course by "my readers," I mean that one guy whom I've never met who comes in to my work to say hi to me, then proceeds to stare at me like I left my pants over at his house last night.
<img src="http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/94/creepyyh1.jpg">
Hi Phil.
I'll get straight to today's letter since I've already caught you newbies up on how this is done, or as they say in my hood, "you know how I do.
"
Word to all of your respective mothers.
Today's letter comes from Kenda McIntosh of Somewhere, USA.
(Location omitted for safety of writer)
She scribbles:
Dear Dr.
Brian!,
It has been a while but I think I can still do this
What do you do if in your youth you wrote into an online advise "Dr." with some uncouth questions about killing and eating old people and what not... and now you are trying to apply for jobs at big law firms and the first thing that comes up when you are googled is you asking how to dispose of bodies in a freezer? I know you can help me.
you always have the perfect answers
your old friend,
Kenda
Dearest, Dearest Kenda,
I understand how you must feel. There is a strange feeling of betrayal when your life is suddenly hindered by the internet.
Nowadays, we can go shopping with the internet, make the web write our term paper, and even have
relations
with our computer-boxes. So when a simple web search keeps you from landing a job, it's like your best friend, study partner, and significant other all stabbing you in the back at the same time.
And they all share one knife.
Who knows where that thing's been!?
I feel your pain though.
The last time that I googled my name, I found a website entitled "Brian Soto is a Faggot," and they didn't mean the quirky English definition of faggot, they meant
homosexual!
It turns out that either I, or someone sharing my sexy, distinguished name, infuriated two young men by snitching on them. The writer simply refers to the snitched-on duo as "Me and Manuel," making my quest for justice quite difficult.
Anyway, let us get to your problems.
Don't you just hate it when people can't forget about the silly things you did when you were young? You try on one dress and suddenly websites pop up denouncing your heterosexuality.
Anyway, the way I see it, you got a few ways of doin' things:
1)
The R.
Kelly Method:
Pretend that it wasn't you. Practice this speech: "Kenda McIntosh is such an average name. That could have been anybody. Just look at all of these Myspace profiles of girls with my same name from my hometown that I totally didn't just create myself so I could fool you." You're trying to be a lawyer.
These people respect nothing
but
liars. You can do it. It's not hard. I have three myspace profiles. One of them is for three African-American gentlemen who make up an R&B band called "Sexual High Five.
"
I heard they're pretty good.
2)
The Tennessean Senator:
Half-heartedly apologize and awkwardly try to make up for it. "(laughing) Oh yeah, sorry about that. But you know how kids can be, right? I don't actually eat homeless people. In fact, I have tons of homeless friends!" No one has homeless friends. Too needy. But if you want to go down this road, I suggest paying off a homeless person to come into the law firm with you and pose as your friend. I suggest not picking a white hobo though. They're too plain, you want to go for style here. And if he's a rambling war-veteran, jackpot. Those law-types would eat this kind of crap up.
3)
The Texas Linebacker:
Simply 'fess up and act proud of whatever the hell you just said, no matter how stupid, crazy, or racially insensitive. "Yeah I ate homeless people. I eat tons of homeless people. You wanna make somethin' of it? I use their tears as milk in my cereal! NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!" That last part is the exaggerated sound of you eating a homeless person, it's pretty crucial to the speech. Somewhere in that you need to stand up and slam your fist on their desk. Feel free to add as much cursing as possible, the more the better. I'm sure the law firm won't mind. These kind of people feed on the blood of the living.
No matter which method you choose, simply do it with confidence. Confidence and as much lying as humanly possible.
Case dismissed.
I hope I answered your question. Just keep sending me questions, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll keep writing this crap.
Night, Phil.
Love,
Dr. Brian Charles Soto, Esq.
~SeaQuest Out~
