new years eve was the usual quiet night, a bbbiiiggg chinese take away, a bottle of wine and all the '....of 2005' TV shows you could want. ny day's my birthday, so i've never really been ino celebrating it, partly because everyone (including my parents for my formative years) was normally pissed. plus, i don't know, being a year older with each new year makes things seem too easily quantifiable. every year ticks over and it seems like there's an even greater impetus to make a change or better myself or get 'somewhere' within the next 12 months, cos this time next year....
I'LL BE THIRTY.
i think i might skip that one, unless something really life changing comes along.
BUT....ny's day was F****** GREAT!!! ended up at the Larrik in Finsbury Park at a Big Chill night. Not my usual kind of thing, but went to meet some friends, got caned and had an amazing night with a group of people who were so chilled and friendly it made me regret coming home. i'd never imagined that the muppets theme tune and 'gay bar' could be mixed into one track! ended up crashing at this portugese DJ's place and spent the next morning wandering around hampstead heath. all in all, not a bad start to the year, kind of eye opening.
all of this leads me to guess i should make some changes for the better, and start doing stuff, rather than just sitting around and moping about why 'oooohhhhhh.....why hasn't so-and-so happened', etc....
SO (in no particular order)
new job
move to a new place
get back to school
get back into music
get in shape
take up art again
meet someone
and actually start showing some involvment wih this place!
(belated) happy new year
I'LL BE THIRTY.
i think i might skip that one, unless something really life changing comes along.
BUT....ny's day was F****** GREAT!!! ended up at the Larrik in Finsbury Park at a Big Chill night. Not my usual kind of thing, but went to meet some friends, got caned and had an amazing night with a group of people who were so chilled and friendly it made me regret coming home. i'd never imagined that the muppets theme tune and 'gay bar' could be mixed into one track! ended up crashing at this portugese DJ's place and spent the next morning wandering around hampstead heath. all in all, not a bad start to the year, kind of eye opening.
all of this leads me to guess i should make some changes for the better, and start doing stuff, rather than just sitting around and moping about why 'oooohhhhhh.....why hasn't so-and-so happened', etc....
SO (in no particular order)
new job
move to a new place
get back to school
get back into music
get in shape
take up art again
meet someone
and actually start showing some involvment wih this place!
(belated) happy new year
how do i get out of a work xmas pary when i don't like the people going? i could just not bother.........or could turn up drunk/wasted and just skip the next couple of hours. but i'll probably do the usual of turn up smile inanely and fantasize about being with someone else.
anyway......xmas.........
presents i haven't bought yet.i think i might go back to uni next year.
after almost three years a woman i used to love has decided to get in touch for no reason.
when i say love, it's hard to really express the depths of my feelings for her. i lived for her. a day without seeing her was grey, just being able to smell her was like i'd found happiness within my grasp. there was nothing about her i'd want to change apart from the fact that she wasn't my wife. i would sacrifice anything to make her happy and thought that she was. she was beautiful, exotic, erotic, caring, funny, stubborn/determined, independent and far more intelligent than me.
i just couldn't imagine my life without her.......until she left me.
after that i started drinking heavily (and i drink a lot normally) to the point where my gp accused me of being an alcoholic and forced me to dry out for two weeks before putting me on anti-depressants and counselling. the way that everything ended sort of messed me up and i still have fuck all self confidence. i rarely talk to people i don't know and have great difficulty in meeting people 'cause i don't know what i could've done wrong. if i give my complete existance to one person and they reject me, what else can i do?
and now she's deigned to contact me again, unloading all this stuff on me which she apparently doesn't need any help with (so why fucking tell me?) and just wanting me to 'be happy'. i had to bite my tongue after reading that, she wants me to be happy after what happened? telling me to leave her alone, refusing to talk to me, making randon drunk phone calls and then nothing for THREE YEARS?
and the sad fucking fact? i'm now hovering over the PC to see if she writes back, desperate for any hint of contact.
i still love claudine ernstzen but i sort of wish she'd left me alone. it's some form of cruel toment and i'm not sure how i can cope.
when i say love, it's hard to really express the depths of my feelings for her. i lived for her. a day without seeing her was grey, just being able to smell her was like i'd found happiness within my grasp. there was nothing about her i'd want to change apart from the fact that she wasn't my wife. i would sacrifice anything to make her happy and thought that she was. she was beautiful, exotic, erotic, caring, funny, stubborn/determined, independent and far more intelligent than me.
i just couldn't imagine my life without her.......until she left me.
after that i started drinking heavily (and i drink a lot normally) to the point where my gp accused me of being an alcoholic and forced me to dry out for two weeks before putting me on anti-depressants and counselling. the way that everything ended sort of messed me up and i still have fuck all self confidence. i rarely talk to people i don't know and have great difficulty in meeting people 'cause i don't know what i could've done wrong. if i give my complete existance to one person and they reject me, what else can i do?
and now she's deigned to contact me again, unloading all this stuff on me which she apparently doesn't need any help with (so why fucking tell me?) and just wanting me to 'be happy'. i had to bite my tongue after reading that, she wants me to be happy after what happened? telling me to leave her alone, refusing to talk to me, making randon drunk phone calls and then nothing for THREE YEARS?
and the sad fucking fact? i'm now hovering over the PC to see if she writes back, desperate for any hint of contact.
i still love claudine ernstzen but i sort of wish she'd left me alone. it's some form of cruel toment and i'm not sure how i can cope.
well i've spent my time in the wilderness and i think it's time to come back to the fold (the massive discount they've offered people to return doesn't hurt either). i guess i've realised that, even though this site appears to be fairly in line with my ethics and beliefs on the surface, there are some users i find to be detestable and just plain pig ignorant. narrow opinions and minds clogged by doctrine or media inflamed ignorance scare me, just realising the fact that there are some people out there who will unquestioningly and willingly swallow what they're told by a 'public' information network controlled by a handful of rich, insulated individuals with their own agendas to peddle and no accountability makes me despair.
anyway, today's been a pretty good day full of new things to do (which makes a nice change). I've started my training as a Victim Support volunteer (www.victimsupport.com) as i'm hoping to be able to start doing something to help other people. i know it might sound cliched and outdated, but i still believe that the world would be a much better place if people just took an interest in others, rather than living in their own little insulated world. the training's making me address issues regarding prejudice (known or subconscious), pre-conceptions, stereotypes, judgements and so much about the way i think about other people (not including what i've already said!). without sounding patronising i hope i can make a difference to someone.
also had a job interview with a debit management company in town. the money's good but i think i've just realised that my entire life could get to be really fucking boring (compared to the constant adrenaline rush at the moment) if i continue with this path. everyone seemed to be very young, good looking, suited & booted. it's not really an image i want to approach or maintain, but i just can't seem to find any fucking alternative at the moment.
oh, i'm also looking for a new band to join as drummer i anyone's looking.
anyway, today's been a pretty good day full of new things to do (which makes a nice change). I've started my training as a Victim Support volunteer (www.victimsupport.com) as i'm hoping to be able to start doing something to help other people. i know it might sound cliched and outdated, but i still believe that the world would be a much better place if people just took an interest in others, rather than living in their own little insulated world. the training's making me address issues regarding prejudice (known or subconscious), pre-conceptions, stereotypes, judgements and so much about the way i think about other people (not including what i've already said!). without sounding patronising i hope i can make a difference to someone.
also had a job interview with a debit management company in town. the money's good but i think i've just realised that my entire life could get to be really fucking boring (compared to the constant adrenaline rush at the moment) if i continue with this path. everyone seemed to be very young, good looking, suited & booted. it's not really an image i want to approach or maintain, but i just can't seem to find any fucking alternative at the moment.
oh, i'm also looking for a new band to join as drummer i anyone's looking.
i hate this fucking site and it's knee jerk reactionist jingoism. freedom of speech is great as long as you agree with what everyone else says.
you go out, have a few drinks, conversation's flowing, mood is good, everything's fine, get something to eat, talk about stuff and then "...we ARE just friends aren't we?"
and you have to sit there without missing a beat and "of course! what else could there be?"
what can you do?
anyway...i've realised i need more tattos and that i look like george clooney when i'm in a tuxedo (but then again, most men think that or something similar).
the weekend? hm, got chatted-up by a gay guy in big hands (strangely flattering), almost glassed a guy who was being aggressive towards my friend, met a sound tutor i knew who's inspired me to get back into working, had a prety rough hung-over rehearsal (try playing drums when the pounding in your head's drowning everything else out) and had a heart-to-heart with our manager/lead singer's girl friend.
might not sound exciting to y'all, but it's been fun for me.
and you have to sit there without missing a beat and "of course! what else could there be?"
what can you do?
anyway...i've realised i need more tattos and that i look like george clooney when i'm in a tuxedo (but then again, most men think that or something similar).
the weekend? hm, got chatted-up by a gay guy in big hands (strangely flattering), almost glassed a guy who was being aggressive towards my friend, met a sound tutor i knew who's inspired me to get back into working, had a prety rough hung-over rehearsal (try playing drums when the pounding in your head's drowning everything else out) and had a heart-to-heart with our manager/lead singer's girl friend.
might not sound exciting to y'all, but it's been fun for me.
i read a thread the other day where some member was expressing shock that noobs were being being 'hazed' (what does that even MEAN?) and that SG had a culture of 'exclusivity'. what surprised me was that this in itself was a surprise to anyone.
