for the past two weeks i've woken every morning at around 4am. i'm on this new medication which seems to solve the problem it's supposed to, but doesn't appear to like me sleeping at all. consequently, things are a little blurry at the moment.

drinking's down, not stopped but definitely reduced. you know that thing where you squeeze your head back against your neck to check the second chin? much reduced. down to almost 11 stone.

the student loans company are threatening to start taking repayments come february. my income's way below their limit, but they don't seem to have my deferment documents yet. it's sixty quid a month i really can't afford to pay at the moment.

had a good weekend though, spent saturday wrecked in oldham. this involved being felt up by a drag artist who made a crack about my obviously uncared for physique (bitch!) and getting drunk with a chinese tattoo artist who's name neither Nat or i could remember next day. bit embarrassing when we all woke up next day and tried to make excuses for it.

currently listening to:

sigur ros - takk
deftones - saturday night wrist
filter - title of record
some modest mouse album whose name i don't know

managed three days completely sober this week! That's the longest i've been dry in years. apart from that i only had five stellas, two whiskys and a glass of wine, which for me is pretty good. have an appointment with an alcohol councillor in february, the confirmation letter said '...it would help the assesment if you could arrive as sober as possible' !! i think i may be in over my head. good thing is i've dropped nearly half a stone as well.

i managed to get a weeks work experience with a solicitor's firm in ashton, so that's definitely good. i'm considering taking a job in cheadle, the money's a lot better and i guess it'd save on petrol, just not sure if i want to do an admin job. not exactly the ideal job i had in mind.

finally been able to talk to rachel. i don't know what to say. despite everything i still want to be with her. i just feel so lonely without her in my life, i guess i just need to learn to be with myself again. it'll take time and i just have to get used to it. but when Ben said he missed me (the kid's three!!), i realsied i should stay away. it's not fair on him. hell, it's not fair on me.

another shitty new year to add to the list. my ex dumps me by shagging someone else and then wishes me 'happy birthday', the power steering on my car goes (but at least i think that's fixed), my sister's too pissed to turn up for lunch and i get a grand total of two birthday cards!

don't i sound whiney?

anyway, don't see how the year could possibly make me feel worse, so i'm optimistic on that count.

i really thought i'd end up with rachel. we even talked about how i could adopt ben in the future and were planning a weekend away in april.
i know the new year's a time for new beginnings, etc, but i didn't want one! i was really happy with the way things were (i thought) going. guess i'll just need to look forward and stop over-thinking stuff

i think i now have an excuse to get a new tattoo. yet another reason to fucking hate my birthday.

working in rochdale, don't know a fucking thing about IT or broadband provision or telecommunications, but at least i'm being paid.

we've hired hard rock cafe cafe manchester for the 16th with a free bar and guests allowed. it should be fun if i don't do something too stupid!

law is intense, first coursework due monday. duty of care in the tort of negligence, might sound dry but actually pretty interesting.

i have a beard and am getting big hair, which isn't good.

going to see ginger on january 20th with natalie, which will be good

i'm seein my ex again and things are pretty good, bar one slight pregnancy scare! we've talked about kids and adopting ben (!). i jst don't know yet if this actualy going to work long term or if we're just having fun. it's the sort of conversation i don't want to get into at the moment.

I'm thirty in 24 days time.

had a good weekend. went to an engagement party in luton for catherine n paul. drive down was great, took three hours with the fine, clear weather and no traffic. the hotel was poxy (the leaside), so don't go there. the bar was good, really old fashioned european style, dark wood panelling and stella in weird glasses and stupidly overpriced

the party was civilised, shit loads of beer and a lot fireworks, which if you think about it is not a great combination. lots of friends i knew from school which was good. it took five people about two hours to fix up the PS2 to do karaoke (and the rest of the guys were fucking IT specialists!!) and we came close to trashing the tv.

the drive back was harsh with an only slightly fuzzy head, problem is the car is fucked now!! need to check it into a garage 'cause the engine won't run.

anyway, i was slightly, sort of, seeing someone, which was nice. unfortunately she's gone and met soneone else. it's 'someone she's liked for a long time but never thought something could happen with, but now it has'. so, fuck that. once again, another one bites the dust and my astounding track record continues unabated.

i don't think i'm a bad guy, but this really is starting to piss me off.


i'm starting my new job on the next tuesday, which i guess is sort of nice. it just sucks doing customer services again, but it pays

oh, and my ex? that particular train wreck is carrying on and i'm still hanging around like a complete gimp. i think she's going to end up with gaz the squaddie which pisses me the fuck off 'cause he's a complete ****, but what the fuck am i going to do? yes, the obvious answer is fuck off and watch it all go to shit, but i do love her and i can't just do that. anyway, i know where i stand, so i guess i should just enjoy what's left. plus, she hasn't told him about me still being around, so i guess i've got the 'upper hand', so what's that about?

oh hey, watch www.tomgreen.com, it's got some really good interviews with like henry rollins and dave navarro

i've got a new job. yay me

how can things get so fucked up so quickly?

i fucking give up

went to see Ginger play at the Riff in blackpool last night. didn't think i'd like it, wasn't keen on the wildhearts, but it was a really good show. blackpool was like an absolute zoo, couldn't believe the amount of people wandering around.

a few hundred quids worth of laptop and i'm using it to download swedish chef movie clips. hurrah for the internet

in no real order:

vacuumed the lounge
did my laundry
did the dishwasher
got almost no sleep again, my 'frozen shoulder' woke me up twice at about 2 and 4
visited my gran
her cat set-off my allergies
drank 1 bottle of white wine, 6 bottles of stella, brandy and a couple of cans
sent dodgy texts to my ex
watched some battlestar galactica
shirked completing my tort seminar work
panicked about my rapidly shrinking bank balance
arranged to go on a date on friday
tried to download the new episodes of lost
tried looking for a job
spent more time thinking about a new tattoo design