How did the frog in Emmit Otter's Jugband Christmas get so rich? That Republican sonuvabitch was sitting on his lillypad in a top hat while poor Emmit had a hole in the washtub.
Fuckin' selfish-ass rich frog! Now I'm furious!
Fuckin' selfish-ass rich frog! Now I'm furious!
How did the frog in Emmit Otter's Jugband Christmas get so rich? Why was he sitting on his lillypad in a top hat while poor Emmit had a hole in the washtub?
That frong was one Republican son of a bitch!
That frong was one Republican son of a bitch!
Happy Winter Solstice!
Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? So somewhere along the way it became Merry Christmas baby. The name and traditions are relatively new, but the holiday has been around since the dawn of time. Jesus was just tacked on later. This end of the year party (and stressfest) we're now experiencing is the superbowl of religious activity and always has been. The ancient Mesopotamians celebrated this time of year as the time that their chief god, Marduk, did battle with the Forces of Chaos.
Early Europeans, and particularly the Druids, worshiped at this time because the shortest day of the year was seen as a death of the old sun and a birth of a new one. The Yule log is a tradition that dates back to the Scandinavians who burned it on this night to fight the darkest day of the year.
But the Romans were the ones who made things official by declaring December 25th the birthdate of the god Mithras, the god of light. Mithras, legend had it, was born to a virgin. His birth was witnessed by shepherds and was marked by a star in the sky. His lived his life performing miracles and before he returned to the heavens he had a last supper with his 12 followers, each representing an astrological sign.
Sound familiar?
As Christianity spread, the church wisely co-opted the most popular traditions of those they sought to convert. It's a lot easier to convert people if they don't have to change their habits. So in the 4th Century, under Pope Julius 1, the birth of Jesus replaced the birth of Mithras on Dec 25. And the next thing we know Burl Ives is a snowman and wearing a vest and Macy's is having the sale of the year.
Oh, and Santa Claus? He's another story. There really was a St. Nicholas, but the modern image of Santa-the fat guy in the red suit-comes chiefly from 2 sources, the poem 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, which mentioned the "bowl full of jelly", and Coca Cola, who had been using artists' depictions of the poem in ads for almost 100 years.
That's my Christmas history for the night.
"Merry Christmas, I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight." And I we miss you Joey, Dee Dee and Johnny-wherever you are.
Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? So somewhere along the way it became Merry Christmas baby. The name and traditions are relatively new, but the holiday has been around since the dawn of time. Jesus was just tacked on later. This end of the year party (and stressfest) we're now experiencing is the superbowl of religious activity and always has been. The ancient Mesopotamians celebrated this time of year as the time that their chief god, Marduk, did battle with the Forces of Chaos.
Early Europeans, and particularly the Druids, worshiped at this time because the shortest day of the year was seen as a death of the old sun and a birth of a new one. The Yule log is a tradition that dates back to the Scandinavians who burned it on this night to fight the darkest day of the year.
But the Romans were the ones who made things official by declaring December 25th the birthdate of the god Mithras, the god of light. Mithras, legend had it, was born to a virgin. His birth was witnessed by shepherds and was marked by a star in the sky. His lived his life performing miracles and before he returned to the heavens he had a last supper with his 12 followers, each representing an astrological sign.
Sound familiar?
As Christianity spread, the church wisely co-opted the most popular traditions of those they sought to convert. It's a lot easier to convert people if they don't have to change their habits. So in the 4th Century, under Pope Julius 1, the birth of Jesus replaced the birth of Mithras on Dec 25. And the next thing we know Burl Ives is a snowman and wearing a vest and Macy's is having the sale of the year.
Oh, and Santa Claus? He's another story. There really was a St. Nicholas, but the modern image of Santa-the fat guy in the red suit-comes chiefly from 2 sources, the poem 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, which mentioned the "bowl full of jelly", and Coca Cola, who had been using artists' depictions of the poem in ads for almost 100 years.
That's my Christmas history for the night.
"Merry Christmas, I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight." And I we miss you Joey, Dee Dee and Johnny-wherever you are.
If you have a minute go say hi to Adora today and tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is. She could use some nice words.
And thank you all for your help with my Mariah Carey issue. I'm getting the help I need now.
God bless us every one!
And thank you all for your help with my Mariah Carey issue. I'm getting the help I need now.
God bless us every one!
God help me, it's against everything I believe in, but I really like Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You"
Thanks for being with me thought this difficult time.
Thanks for being with me thought this difficult time.
When I was 14 years old, during the summer between 8th grade and high school, I got a job working at my town's hardeware store, which was owned by a guy named Carl Ruebenaucher-or Ruby. Ruby was a gigantic man who smelled like cigars and only called me "kid" the entire time I was there. I don't think he even knew my real name.
I worked on Tuesdays and Thursdays -the days the new shipments came in-and Saturdays. I mostly helped stock the store. Ruby had a system, he would price the items and throw them at me and I would stock them. I would run around the store trying to remember where the Weed-B-Gone went as Ruby yelled, Hurry, Kid! We got a whole truck here to put away! And THEN wed open the basement door and hed throw bags of cement mixer, cow manure and Epson salt down the stairs to me. This little routine almost killed me every week. And the times when the bags spit open were especially delightful- if youve ever caught on open bag of cow manure you know what I mean.
Saturdays were much better. Ruby's wife, Jackie, minded the store as Carl went to wholesalers looking for more crap to sell. Jackie was a wonderful. And she also brought the kids to work: 6 year old Shawn, who was the most obnoxious kid in history, and 10 year old Matthew.
But most of all Saturdays were great because of Joline. Joline was Ruby and Jackie's daughter. She was 16, had blue eyes, Stevie Nicks hair, and the friendliest face I had ever seen on a teenage girl. Until then the only expression I had seen on a girl between 12 and 18 was eye-rolling, contemptuous boredom. But this girl was different. I fell in love with her instantly. I have no idea how Rubys genes had a hand in creating such a lovely creature, but I didnt care. She was a vision.
Joline worked ever y Saturday from 1 until 6 and I literally looked forward to these hours all week. She was 2 1/2 years older than I was, and at that age she might as well have been 35 (no self-respecting almost-17 year old blonde beauty would ever seriously consider a fat 14-year-old with braces), but I loved her all the same. I adored every minute I spent with her and somehow she made that stupid little hardware store the most magical place on Earth. I think she saw herself as sort of an older sister, and at the time that was good enough for me. She was dating a guy with a mullet named Pete who worked at the auto parts shop next door (Im not kidding), but I didnt care. For 5 hours a week she was mine.
Sometimes when the store wasnt busy, Jackie would let us go sit in the basement and talk about all sorts of things- school, parents, music. Those sort of Breakfast Club conversations when you think youre exposing all of your 14-year-old inner secrets. Or when it would rain wed sit outside under the awning out front and watch the cars drive up and down the boulevard. I loved her because her favorite group was Journey, I loved her because she cursed in front of her parents, and I loved her because she kept telling me that I should grow my hair long. She was a dream come true.
I worked at the hardware store for three years- until my junior year of high school. Things remained pretty much the same the entire time I was there. And I spent my weekdays in high school looking forward to Saturdays-because thats when I went to work. How strange. When I was 16 Joline would take me out after we closed the store and let me drive her car (which was illegal since she was only 2 years older than me). When I actually got my drivers license she was the first person I drove to see. I still have all the birthday cards she gave me.
I quit the hardware store after my junior year to take a job at Sam Goody at the garden State Plaza- and thats a whole OTHER story. That was 12 years ago and Ive thought about Joline many times since that. I heard she married Pete a few years ago, and that she had a kid a year later or so. Ive stopped in the store a few times since then, but Ive only seen Ruby l or Shawn.
Ruby'smom died this weekend. My father told me and for some reason I felt that I had to go to the wake. The funeral home parking lot was packed, but as I walked in the he was the first person . He had lost some weight and his hair was much thinner, but he was clearly the same old Ruby. As soon as he spotted me he yelled, Kid! Take the keys and open the store tomorrow! It was like I just left him 5 minutes ago. I said I was sorry about his mother and he said, Nah, Kid. Now shes in Heaven looking out for me. She's gonna send a lot of snow this winter. It's good for buiness." It was very sweet.
Then I saw the rest of the family and said my hellos. Jackie, Matthew. Shawn. The were all exactly the same, just bigger.
But I was still looking around. I turned to Jackie and said, Wheres Joline?
Right there?
Where?
Right next to Carl. She said it like I was an idiot.
It couldnt be. But it was. Standing next to Carl was a HUGE woman. At least 350 pounds and Im not exaggerating. It was Joline. She was completely unrecognizable, except that her eyes were still the same color blue. My jaw hit the ground. I walked over.
I was wondering when you were gonna come over! she said. She gave me a huge hug and squeezed the life out of me. How are you?
Im great. Im sorry about your grandmother, I replied.
She was sick. It was time. Now shes in Heaven, she parroted her father. Have you seen Pete?
Sure enough, there was her husband. The mullet was gone. In fact, all of the hair was gone, except for a droopy, handlebar moustache. And he was clearly following the same diet as his wife. Fat and happy.
Come on, lets go somewhere and talk, she said. And we did. She told me she had a four-year-old son, and she was teaching. Pete still worked at the auto parts place. She seemed completely content with her life. And after about 30 seconds I realized that she still had the same great sense of humor and we still had the same easy way of talking.
And you know what? I still had a crush on her. All 350 pounds of her.
I wanna go back to the hardware store.
I worked on Tuesdays and Thursdays -the days the new shipments came in-and Saturdays. I mostly helped stock the store. Ruby had a system, he would price the items and throw them at me and I would stock them. I would run around the store trying to remember where the Weed-B-Gone went as Ruby yelled, Hurry, Kid! We got a whole truck here to put away! And THEN wed open the basement door and hed throw bags of cement mixer, cow manure and Epson salt down the stairs to me. This little routine almost killed me every week. And the times when the bags spit open were especially delightful- if youve ever caught on open bag of cow manure you know what I mean.
Saturdays were much better. Ruby's wife, Jackie, minded the store as Carl went to wholesalers looking for more crap to sell. Jackie was a wonderful. And she also brought the kids to work: 6 year old Shawn, who was the most obnoxious kid in history, and 10 year old Matthew.
But most of all Saturdays were great because of Joline. Joline was Ruby and Jackie's daughter. She was 16, had blue eyes, Stevie Nicks hair, and the friendliest face I had ever seen on a teenage girl. Until then the only expression I had seen on a girl between 12 and 18 was eye-rolling, contemptuous boredom. But this girl was different. I fell in love with her instantly. I have no idea how Rubys genes had a hand in creating such a lovely creature, but I didnt care. She was a vision.
Joline worked ever y Saturday from 1 until 6 and I literally looked forward to these hours all week. She was 2 1/2 years older than I was, and at that age she might as well have been 35 (no self-respecting almost-17 year old blonde beauty would ever seriously consider a fat 14-year-old with braces), but I loved her all the same. I adored every minute I spent with her and somehow she made that stupid little hardware store the most magical place on Earth. I think she saw herself as sort of an older sister, and at the time that was good enough for me. She was dating a guy with a mullet named Pete who worked at the auto parts shop next door (Im not kidding), but I didnt care. For 5 hours a week she was mine.
Sometimes when the store wasnt busy, Jackie would let us go sit in the basement and talk about all sorts of things- school, parents, music. Those sort of Breakfast Club conversations when you think youre exposing all of your 14-year-old inner secrets. Or when it would rain wed sit outside under the awning out front and watch the cars drive up and down the boulevard. I loved her because her favorite group was Journey, I loved her because she cursed in front of her parents, and I loved her because she kept telling me that I should grow my hair long. She was a dream come true.
I worked at the hardware store for three years- until my junior year of high school. Things remained pretty much the same the entire time I was there. And I spent my weekdays in high school looking forward to Saturdays-because thats when I went to work. How strange. When I was 16 Joline would take me out after we closed the store and let me drive her car (which was illegal since she was only 2 years older than me). When I actually got my drivers license she was the first person I drove to see. I still have all the birthday cards she gave me.
I quit the hardware store after my junior year to take a job at Sam Goody at the garden State Plaza- and thats a whole OTHER story. That was 12 years ago and Ive thought about Joline many times since that. I heard she married Pete a few years ago, and that she had a kid a year later or so. Ive stopped in the store a few times since then, but Ive only seen Ruby l or Shawn.
Ruby'smom died this weekend. My father told me and for some reason I felt that I had to go to the wake. The funeral home parking lot was packed, but as I walked in the he was the first person . He had lost some weight and his hair was much thinner, but he was clearly the same old Ruby. As soon as he spotted me he yelled, Kid! Take the keys and open the store tomorrow! It was like I just left him 5 minutes ago. I said I was sorry about his mother and he said, Nah, Kid. Now shes in Heaven looking out for me. She's gonna send a lot of snow this winter. It's good for buiness." It was very sweet.
Then I saw the rest of the family and said my hellos. Jackie, Matthew. Shawn. The were all exactly the same, just bigger.
But I was still looking around. I turned to Jackie and said, Wheres Joline?
Right there?
Where?
Right next to Carl. She said it like I was an idiot.
It couldnt be. But it was. Standing next to Carl was a HUGE woman. At least 350 pounds and Im not exaggerating. It was Joline. She was completely unrecognizable, except that her eyes were still the same color blue. My jaw hit the ground. I walked over.
I was wondering when you were gonna come over! she said. She gave me a huge hug and squeezed the life out of me. How are you?
Im great. Im sorry about your grandmother, I replied.
She was sick. It was time. Now shes in Heaven, she parroted her father. Have you seen Pete?
Sure enough, there was her husband. The mullet was gone. In fact, all of the hair was gone, except for a droopy, handlebar moustache. And he was clearly following the same diet as his wife. Fat and happy.
Come on, lets go somewhere and talk, she said. And we did. She told me she had a four-year-old son, and she was teaching. Pete still worked at the auto parts place. She seemed completely content with her life. And after about 30 seconds I realized that she still had the same great sense of humor and we still had the same easy way of talking.
And you know what? I still had a crush on her. All 350 pounds of her.
I wanna go back to the hardware store.
We recently had to hire a guy named Vincent in our office because his parents are friends with the producers of our show. Ok. Fine.
So today we bought a dry/erase board so that we could hang it up in the office and write the call time and what shots we're doing every day and all that nonsense. Important TV stuff. So we have the board leaning against the wall here because we wanted to drill it into the wall because these things have a way of vanishing from the production office.
So we send Vincent out for a drill. And it gets really busy here and by the time he gets back the dry/erase board has vanished. So I look around and spot it in the wardrobe department. Our Costume Designer, however, is a bitch on wheels and I'd rather not deal with her. AND I have to leave the office for a while, which I used as my official excuse. So I send Vincent to reclaim our board from the wicked wardrobe department, and to drill it into the wall IN THE PRODUCTION OFFICE. And with that I depart.
I get back about 2 hours later to find this note on my desk (courtesy of our other PA, Cynthia) -"Vincent tried to drill backwards for a 1/2 hour", meaning that he had the setting on reverse and therefore couldn't drill anything in.
So I go over to the wall where I asked him to put the board up and it's COVERED in little holes, but the board isn't there. So I go over to Vincent. He's beaming.
"Where is the board?" I ask.
"It's up" he responds proudly.
I look over to the wall covered with holes, but no board.
"Where?"
"Where you asked me to."
"I'm looking right at the wall. I don't see it."
The phone rings, Vincent answers. And then it hits me. I walk into the wardrobe department, and sure enough the dry erase board is drilled securely into the wall, never to be removed.
He's the best.
So today we bought a dry/erase board so that we could hang it up in the office and write the call time and what shots we're doing every day and all that nonsense. Important TV stuff. So we have the board leaning against the wall here because we wanted to drill it into the wall because these things have a way of vanishing from the production office.
So we send Vincent out for a drill. And it gets really busy here and by the time he gets back the dry/erase board has vanished. So I look around and spot it in the wardrobe department. Our Costume Designer, however, is a bitch on wheels and I'd rather not deal with her. AND I have to leave the office for a while, which I used as my official excuse. So I send Vincent to reclaim our board from the wicked wardrobe department, and to drill it into the wall IN THE PRODUCTION OFFICE. And with that I depart.
I get back about 2 hours later to find this note on my desk (courtesy of our other PA, Cynthia) -"Vincent tried to drill backwards for a 1/2 hour", meaning that he had the setting on reverse and therefore couldn't drill anything in.
So I go over to the wall where I asked him to put the board up and it's COVERED in little holes, but the board isn't there. So I go over to Vincent. He's beaming.
"Where is the board?" I ask.
"It's up" he responds proudly.
I look over to the wall covered with holes, but no board.
"Where?"
"Where you asked me to."
"I'm looking right at the wall. I don't see it."
The phone rings, Vincent answers. And then it hits me. I walk into the wardrobe department, and sure enough the dry erase board is drilled securely into the wall, never to be removed.
He's the best.
I was at a bar last night to visit my friend Nikki, the bartender. The place was pretty empty. It was me and my friend Tara, Nikki behind the bar, and a girl with these amazing tattos on her back talking to Nikki at the bar. As soon as we got there, though, the place started to fill up and Nikki got busy, so Tara and I started talking to the giirl with the tattoos, thinking she was a friend of Nikki's. She told us that she just moved to NY and she didn't have much money and she had been spending her nights at the Port Authority or wherever else she could stay for the night. And it sounded awful, so I told her she could crash at my place. She took my number and left and thanked me, telling me she'd call me later.
As soon as Nikki had a free minute I told her that her friend may be crashing with me for a while and Nikki said, "Who? HER? I don't know her. She's a fuckin' freak! She's been here all day."
Shows you what a judge of character I am.
She hasn't called, though. I'll tell you if she does. What do I do? Do I let her stay? I mean, freak or not, she's still alone in NYC.
As soon as Nikki had a free minute I told her that her friend may be crashing with me for a while and Nikki said, "Who? HER? I don't know her. She's a fuckin' freak! She's been here all day."
Shows you what a judge of character I am.
She hasn't called, though. I'll tell you if she does. What do I do? Do I let her stay? I mean, freak or not, she's still alone in NYC.
Well I might as well tell you because you're gonna read it in the tabloids anyway, Lindsay Lohan and I are dating now. It's pretty serious. We've been dating since this morning and we're really in love.
PS- Lindsay and I are engaged!!
(Edited at 2:30 PM)- Ok, I have a update, Lindsay and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. Our friend Paris Hilton came. It was very moving. Lindsay and I wrote our own vows. I'm still choked up thinking about it. I can't wait for the honeymoon!!!!!!!
PS- Lindsay and I are having marriage problems. We're going to couples therapy.
(Edited at3:45 PM)- Lindsay and I are gonna give it another chance. After all we've been through together, we think we can work anything out. As Lenny Kravitz taught us- "Let Love Rule!"
PS- I'm having an affair with Hillary Duff. Or maybe it's her sister. I forget. But it's hot.
(Edited at 4:20 PM)- I broke it off with Hillary. My marriage to Lindsay is too important to be so reckless..
PS- I think Lindsay is having an affair with Lenny Kravitz.
(Edited at5:10 PM)- Therapy really paid off. Things couldn't be better in my marriage to Lindsay. I think were going to start a family soon.
PS- Lindsay and I are getting divorced.
(Edited at 6:10 PM)- Lindsay and I are now officially divorced. I really think I learned a lot from this relationship, though. So it's not a total loss. I've heard that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it. It'll be hard, but someday I'll get over Lindsay and move on.
PS-I'm dating Tara Reid now.
PS- Lindsay and I are engaged!!
(Edited at 2:30 PM)- Ok, I have a update, Lindsay and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony. Our friend Paris Hilton came. It was very moving. Lindsay and I wrote our own vows. I'm still choked up thinking about it. I can't wait for the honeymoon!!!!!!!
PS- Lindsay and I are having marriage problems. We're going to couples therapy.
(Edited at3:45 PM)- Lindsay and I are gonna give it another chance. After all we've been through together, we think we can work anything out. As Lenny Kravitz taught us- "Let Love Rule!"
PS- I'm having an affair with Hillary Duff. Or maybe it's her sister. I forget. But it's hot.
(Edited at 4:20 PM)- I broke it off with Hillary. My marriage to Lindsay is too important to be so reckless..
PS- I think Lindsay is having an affair with Lenny Kravitz.
(Edited at5:10 PM)- Therapy really paid off. Things couldn't be better in my marriage to Lindsay. I think were going to start a family soon.
PS- Lindsay and I are getting divorced.
(Edited at 6:10 PM)- Lindsay and I are now officially divorced. I really think I learned a lot from this relationship, though. So it's not a total loss. I've heard that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it. It'll be hard, but someday I'll get over Lindsay and move on.
PS-I'm dating Tara Reid now.
