I finally feel content with my appearance, and my lifestyle somewhat.
I finally feel like I'm not denying who I am anymore, and expressing that is slowly improving my self-image...
Even despite that though, these last two days though I've been in a horrible state of depression, the like of which I haven't experienced for months. I just feel so... incredibly lonely. I keep getting this pervasive thought that I'll never be able to connect with another human being, and never find a romantic relationship where I'm truly happy It's making going about my day difficult to say the least, near impossible to be more accurate.
I went out to a goth club last night to try and dance these thoughts away It was refreshing being around people of a similar mindset. It was the first time i felt like I fit in completely, and it was great at first Until my unrequited love showed up and spoiled the night somewhat. I tried not to let it get to me and just enjoy myself, but the more I saw her the more frustrated I became. Not only could I not get her out of my head, but she served as a constant reminder that I was so alone.
The plus side, was as the night grew on it became clear how desperate, shallow and not worth my time she was this became especially clear when we ran in to each other about 5 hours in to the night. Apparently she thought I had gone home, and upon seeing me, she had a very panicked look upon her face then promptly went inside and took off her shirt to dance on top of the stage. After a little while of trying not to watch her while she was doing this, I realized how desperate she was.
Mind, this was Not the sort of environment where being undressed was a part of the dress code, as most people were in jeans or fully clothed. I mean, Right after seeing me, she decides to dance on the stage with barely any clothes? Why? To be honest I don't really understand it still. But it just seemed so Very desperate and childish I couldn't bear it, and started laughing right there on the dance floor, I just doubled over with laughter and had to go out for fresh air.
I mean, here I was, fully clothed and having a great time, feeling sexy and good about myself, and there she was, acting like an idiot like she usually does And I realized I probably felt way sexier just the way I was than she did half naked, especially judging by the unhappy expression she wore and the reticent movements she danced with.
It was the first time I realized how unhappy she was, and how that's probably why she treated me and other people as shitty as she does, and that what happened between us wasn't solely because of some defect of mine I just hadn't fully realized how desperate and isolated she makes herself.
Maybe I'll post a picture at some point But then maybe not
At any rate, it was an interesting night, and it helped me realized how mismatched we are.
I finally feel like I'm not denying who I am anymore, and expressing that is slowly improving my self-image...
Even despite that though, these last two days though I've been in a horrible state of depression, the like of which I haven't experienced for months. I just feel so... incredibly lonely. I keep getting this pervasive thought that I'll never be able to connect with another human being, and never find a romantic relationship where I'm truly happy It's making going about my day difficult to say the least, near impossible to be more accurate.
I went out to a goth club last night to try and dance these thoughts away It was refreshing being around people of a similar mindset. It was the first time i felt like I fit in completely, and it was great at first Until my unrequited love showed up and spoiled the night somewhat. I tried not to let it get to me and just enjoy myself, but the more I saw her the more frustrated I became. Not only could I not get her out of my head, but she served as a constant reminder that I was so alone.
The plus side, was as the night grew on it became clear how desperate, shallow and not worth my time she was this became especially clear when we ran in to each other about 5 hours in to the night. Apparently she thought I had gone home, and upon seeing me, she had a very panicked look upon her face then promptly went inside and took off her shirt to dance on top of the stage. After a little while of trying not to watch her while she was doing this, I realized how desperate she was.
Mind, this was Not the sort of environment where being undressed was a part of the dress code, as most people were in jeans or fully clothed. I mean, Right after seeing me, she decides to dance on the stage with barely any clothes? Why? To be honest I don't really understand it still. But it just seemed so Very desperate and childish I couldn't bear it, and started laughing right there on the dance floor, I just doubled over with laughter and had to go out for fresh air.
I mean, here I was, fully clothed and having a great time, feeling sexy and good about myself, and there she was, acting like an idiot like she usually does And I realized I probably felt way sexier just the way I was than she did half naked, especially judging by the unhappy expression she wore and the reticent movements she danced with.
It was the first time I realized how unhappy she was, and how that's probably why she treated me and other people as shitty as she does, and that what happened between us wasn't solely because of some defect of mine I just hadn't fully realized how desperate and isolated she makes herself.
Maybe I'll post a picture at some point But then maybe not
At any rate, it was an interesting night, and it helped me realized how mismatched we are.
I completely fell apart and lost it seeing my ex get with someone new a few months after our breakup. The split itself wasn't even as bad as hearing she'd moved on. I had massive feelings of inadequacy, and it landed me in a loony bin for about a week since I wasn't eating or sleeping, and the pain was effecting me physically. I went through a long breakdown, therapists, meds, and lots of hiding from the world.
I would see tagged photos of her online and feel it like a knife in my gut. I'd hear her name and instantly the conversation would become loaded. I was fine as long as I heard no mention of her. Then, the strangest thing happened... I saw her with her new man, at a club one night, a tiny, claustrophobic place where I couldn't even avoid seeing the two of them, and I felt NOTHING.
It was like all the bad stuff just switched off. It took me a while to completely understand how this happened, this numbness... just complete indifference to the sight of her and her man.
I think it boiled down to their body language. They didn't seem all that affectionate. I may have been misreading things completely, but it looked like what I experienced with her on alot of levels. Like they were becoming distant. Either way, it was able to tune their presence out, and I've been healing alot since that encounter. I needed to see that.
I didn't so much take satisfaction in what I saw, as I saw a reflection of what things REALLY were between her and I, rather than how I was choosing to remember things. Neither of us were happy, and part of me had been clinging to this idea I only had to be a better person to make it work.
This whole feeling of "he's better than me", or "he's a nicer guy with more going for him" vanished, seeing that he almost seemed bored with her, although that may just have been my impression. I was also surrounded by supportive friends who encouraged me not to be a pussy and leave the club because of her. She, herself left early and her guy stuck around for about an hour. Drama did have to be avoided that night with some douchey drunk kid who kept trying to pick fights with me, but pretty goth boys are usually all talk, lol. I remember coming home feeling like I'd had a real victory over my depression, as well as my anger, and realized I had good friends who were actually worried about me after the split. It was a very welcome relief after months of moping and feeling like nobody gave a shit, lol. I really felt like everyone was judging me and looking down on me for a while there.