when humanity was just beginning - when the population was immensely small, and the future of the species unsure - every life was of the utmost importance. our kind was too few for any idividual to not matter. life was always hard, and we were always conscious of it. we have always known of the likelihood of our own death.

maybe that's what i'm missing. i wish every life was important, but it's not true. having an impact on a small group of people does not make one important to a species. there are many who have lived that would be proclaimed indispensable to humanity, who will have had no particular impact on the course of our specie's existence.

i want to have a major part in humanity not ending. i want to contribute to its advancement and continued existence.

where is my robot brain? i need that shit.

every bit i learn, i want more. this thirst is growing exponentially. i just want experiences and knowledge. i want it all.

what if there was wilderness? i know it seems harsh, a life of city-living - the cramped spaces, lack of parking, lack of greenery...

i think denser cities and less suburban sprawl would be wonderful. more city and more nature.

i really just wish there was more area uninhabited by man. i want the wild to be closer. i dont want to take up all of it.

i dont know what i want from humanity - success or failure. i dont know if i prefer a species capable of intergalactic travel, or a planet that survives until it is killed by the sun.

i would hate for this planet to dry up, lose its life, become grey. become dead. become stale.

but i would hate for humanity to die out. to burn up. to miss its chance at escape and exploration.

either way, i won't be around. why do i care?

i have no drive to procreate. why do i speculate so much on and care so deeply about the future?

i hope these ideas are not perceived as melancholy. i am happy, and only on my way to greater happiness.

i am torn between longing for pristine lands. days before conquest of man and earth. ages in which we lived harmoniously with beast and forest.

and the advance for which we must obviously forsake this eden.

we cannot escape the death this planet promises our species without first destroying it. lovely a jewel we have, it must burn before it kills us.

if i had the chance to be alive those many hopefully abundant years before we met this end - would i rather regret destroying our earth for survival, or preserving our forests, rivers, plains, and oceans in spite of total obliteration of all life, including that which we struggled to maintain?

we cannot preserve all ecosystems ad infinitum. is artificial preservation in face of such mortal danger in keeping with natural law? are we allowing for survival of the fittest if we prop up selected species?

what are we doing as humans? we are the single largest cause of species destruction the world has seen. we destroy not only creatures, but entire habitats. we end worlds. and we claim this whole planet as our own.

are there choices? can we keep a planet and our species both alive? should we care?

i'm not sure i value humanity more than life, but it doesn't seem any other earthly species has a chance to leave this rock before its ultimate destruction.

there are so many things about life i wish were different. i don't mean my life, i mean human life, though often i apply these thoughts to myself, without including the rest of humanity.

we are so fragile. sure this fragility makes us appreciate life, as it can be quickly lost. but it prevents us from seeing so much. we will never swim in the deepest parts of the oceans, or ever land on the surfaces of many extraterrestrial worlds.

our lives are so short. of course, the brevity of life causes us to focus on little things, small victories, small achievements, but it disallows us from truly seeing the big picture. if we lived for centuries each, or longer, we would see the rise and fall of species - flora and fauna. if we lived millenia each, what knowledge would we attain? one who could live for millions or billions of years would see the births and deaths of planets, stars, and galaxies!

or senses fall so short. we hear, smell, touch, see... but not with the acuteness of even many of our fellow earthbound creatures. we will never hear the full vocalization of a whale's song. we will never smell all of the beautiful fragrances of our jungles' flowers. there are waves of light we cannot imagine, on earth and beyond! the images we view of space, of nebulae and clusters, painted with blues and reds and greens, are but an artists rendering in colors we can see. to see the true colors of ultraviolet and infrared waves, to perceive x-rays with our eyes, the beauty must be overwhelming.

perhaps our shortcomings make us appreciate what we have. i am often overwhelmed by the beauty of what i find in my life as it is, but to think of what exists, has existed,will exist - and how little to which we are privileged, i almost weep at my inability to experience it all. i long for those colors, for those sounds, those smells. my heart breaks at the thought that there are creatures long gone, cultures long destroyed, jungles now dismantled, vistas traded for progress, knowledge abandoned for power, and the forthcoming beauty, achievement, and wonder that i will never know.

immortality is a silly goal. transhumanism is often mocked. people question the desire to live on as a computer program. i could bear to have no personality, as long as i could be programmed to have the feeling of joy at experiencing, at knowing, that i have now.

i've often said, given a choice between a modestly long, healthy life in which i find true love, or to live forever (in full control of my senses, of course), i would choose to live forever. hands down. i would love life. i would love what i see, what i learn. i'm sure i would find room for hate. perhaps room to hate mankind. but more likely to pity them. to pity, really, us. but really, i think, i would love everything forever. even if everything didn't love me back. i love. i will love. i would love. but i do not need or want for love to return to me. to observe infinity. that is what i desire.

sometimes i pretend that everything is my imagination. all of existence. i know it is not true, but on occasion i like to think about it - if this was just another observation, and perhaps i am infinite.

ooo i had my first performance review at work today. i was told i'm awesome at everything except for wearing my uniform, because they keep telling me not to wear basketball shorts to work, but i love my bright green and my bright orange shorts. i told them i'll stop, but only because it's gonna be winter soon. i need to get some brightly colored jeans. i'm hoping a raise follows this review.

my step brother moved to boston this week for college. i don't know him super well, as he is a good deal younger than i, but we're pretty cool when we see each other, so i might chill with him a little since we're both new to the city. i guess i'm not technically new, since i've been here since april... but whatever. he's also named michael, so it's strange when we hang out.

apparently, once i've established residency, umass boston is very affordable. the fact that i am making nearly no money will help. since i won't be a resident until next april, anyway, my taxes from this year will determine my financial aid. i'm hoping the fact that i still owe the IRS $4000 doesn't hurt me too much.

doobs is moving here in just a couple of months!

irish spring soap has a powerful scent. i can smell it the second i open my shower door.

i deleted a few hundred songs from my itunes playlist. most of them were metallica, anthrax, and atmosphere songs - most of which i had multiple copies, including multiple live versions. i've been downloading a lot of music lately, but not enough. my ears are thirsty. i'm lucky to have mercie as a friend, because our musical tastes are pretty similar and she exposes me to a lot of music i've never heard before.

the boston tattoo convention is this weekend! i can't afford to get any work done, but at least i'll be able to see the work of boston's best so i know where to go when i cease to be poor.

bring on the autumn. bring on the cold.

i just don't understand the fucking morons that think because the majority of americans oppose the park 51 project - which is true, most americans are opposed - it shouldn't be built.

apparently the fact that a majority of americans want to ignore the first amendment, the minority should be denied their right. like eugene robinson said:

oh, right - btw, the imam in charge of the project is Imam Rauf. his goal is to move islam into the modern world, and build bridges between the islamic and western worlds.

among the most amusing parts of this controversy is the question "where is the money coming from?" brought up by fox news and the like. mike bloomberg responded to this question "Where does [the money] come from?' I don't know. Do you really want every time they pass the basket in your church, and you throw a buck in, they run over and say, '... where do you come from? ... Where did you get this money?' No." but the real funny part is if you DO look into the source, it comes from the Kingdom Foundation, headed by alwaleed bin talal. i say this is funny, not because bin talal is friends with george w. and the rest of the bushes, but because he owns a larger portion of rupert murdoch's news corp (9%, second only to the murdochs) than he does the kingdom foundation (7%). but this is the man fox news, owned by news corp alludes to when crying nefarious ties to terrorists.

some of the arguments are just insane! i don't know how people can keep a straight face when saying the things they say. (look at the comments on that link.)

"there are already 100 mosques in nyc" so?
"saudi arabia and iraq don't have catholic churches" sucks. should they be our guidepost for tolerance?

what ever happened to critical thinking, logic, reason?

why is fox news allowed to exist? the far right and its leaders are profiting by spreading fear and hatred through lies and misinformation. they are doing it for money and for power. and the second largest owner of fox news is also the largest owner of the group financing the cultural center. WTF?!

i just want to cry for america.

ain't gonna beg. not too proud, just not my style. if you wanna help the doobs stop being homeless in tijuana, check my last blog. if not, don't check my last blog - because that's what its about.

i love shit, but i'm not going hard enough. try'n'a get a new job. make more loot so i can do more stuff. wanna be able to go camping and check out america and live a fucking life. need to see stuff! need to do stuff! need to live! im gonna have to just buy some gear and deal with being a poor man. gonna wait until next spring, though, at least.

i just need to squeeze more out of this. i'm not meeting people i connect with. i'm not doing things i love. i'm not finding any more of myself here. this city is great, but i don't think its where i'm supposed to be.

i want a world in which everybody feels free. having rights and feeling free aren't the same. i want to feel the way people felt before there were rules.

so i am superexcited! and hopefully will be able to pull this off:

doobs is homeless and living in tijuana on the streets. the plan right now is to get him to boston in october. we are pretty sure he is going to be able to get here, and that i will be able to help him get a job. what is still unsure is where he will live. we need to raise money to help him get into an apartment or sublet or whatever. even if i have to let him crash in my room and ride the couch for a few weeks, doobs needs help.

if anybody can donate to the "home for doobs" fund, plz let me or doobs know, or donate anonymously. his paypal is set up under the email fernandom24@hotmail.com

if we cant raise the money, doobs is just gonna be homelss in boston instead of tijuana.

i wouldnt ask you to help me, but if you can help my homey, we would really appreciate it

addendum: i am so happy for my buddy crashoverride! congratulations! wonderful!

everything is so exciting!

literally, everything. unless you are looking at it the wrong way.

so i should be able to get a better schedule soon that wont completely rob me of my weekends, which is prime brother time. mac is not happy with me because he is under the impression that one can call dibs on girls. apparently he has friends in agreement. i've met nobody who shares such an outlandish idea. but he'll get over it.

i'm making some friends who aren't his friends, which is a good thing and a bad thing. it's bad because they actually dislike mac - which makes me sad, but its good because it's nice to be able to hang out with people who don't just think of me as his older brother.

hopefully i will start making enough money soon to pay back my debts. at least right now i am able to pay my bills and still have money for groceries and a bit of fun! i'll be spending a lot of time in the secret delicious kitchen

i'm thinking perhaps too much about the future. there are so many things i want to do, and i don't know which to do first. i want to study everything, but obviously there are financial limits on what and where i can study. i want to know and see everything. i need to focus more on the present, and figure it out as i go.

peace and puppies. 5