sometimes i like to pretend that i am the sole source of dark energy in the universe; that upon the cessation of my brain's activity, the whole thing will collapse upon itself. of course - if that were to happen - everything would start over. an incomprehensibly large explosion would create a brand new universe. billions of years would pass and life would start again. some intelligence similar to our own would arise, and eventually, i sometimes allow myself to hope, i would get another life. maybe in this one i would have some glimmer of understanding about what the whole point of all this is.

it just doesn't add up - we are biological entities, like any other. we are driven by the same urge - to advance our species. we fight for dominance, we fuck, and we protect our own. we are as xenophobic and jingoistic as any other specie.

was it by some dumb luck we became aware of the inevitability that we each will die? was this knowledge supposed to in some way help us? without being foolish enough to believe our specific genetic code privileges us to a special existence beyond our mortal lives, it seems this knowledge should drive us all to work towards the advancement of our species. but we cling to ancient stories, and hope for special respite from the constant of death.

the entirety of human existence is but a breath in the life of the cosmos, each life barely a blink. but we are the most advanced species we know to ever have existed. most will live their lives either ignorant of or purposely ignoring these facts. they will live their lives chasing wealth, glory, pleasure, paradise...

if, on my death bed, i looked back and realized this is all i lived for - that i had no impact, no lasting contribution to the betterment of mankind, i would consider mine a life wasted. but this makes me feel so small. what could i possibly offer? i guess that is the first question i must answer on this quest.

im finally employed again. this job seems pretty cool so far. it's only temporary, but come may they might decide to keep me on permanently.

i've been watching every episode of NOVA. sometime soon there should be a new documentary miniseries on discovery, from the makers of planet earth and life - human planet. the british version is narrated by john hurt, which should be cool... but they gave us oprah for life instead of david attenborough & sigourney weaver for planet earth, so who knows what awful voice they will give us this time. other than that, i am really looking forward to this.

i want the air to be warmer than it is. i enjoyed winter. but now it is time for spring. i forgot how long it takes to get warm in the north. sheesh.



hopefully i'll hear back from umass soon about my status for next fall. i have to send them my essay again, because they apparently didn't receive it. it is hardly the best thing i've written, but the topics from which to choose were all rather silly, and the suggested length a bit short for my liking. don't hate. if i don't get in, i'll probably move back to the bronx.

i'm working on a project right now. if it goes well i will show you.

so i probably shouldn't have quit that job. true - they probably were going to fire me, but i probably should've just milked it for every dollar i could.

they still havent gotten my final paycheck to me. two weeks later they said they finally mailed it yesterday. now i just need to come up with $200 more to pay my rent. i'm a dummy.

hopefully i'll be employed again soon. being unemployed in the summer could be fun, but in the winter in new england it really really sucks.

my butt looks really good in these gap 1969 skinny jeans.

ha. i just looked at my w2s from 2010. i made between 17 and 18 thousand dollars. if i was a family of two in alaska, i would have been below the poverty line. thank stars i didn't get that inuit girl pregnant. however, that puts me in an awesome position to get financial aid so i can go back to school. get that degree. boom!

boston is very icy. its kinda fun.

finding affordable housing in boston is difficult. i wish there was more uninhabited forest within the city so i could build a treehouse and not be detected. within the next 5 years, i think i might need to move to costa rica.

speaking of houses in the forest, there is footage of a new, uncontacted tribe in the amazon up. it was filmed as part of an effort to prove to peru's president that these tribes exist, and thus need protection from loggers and miners. the government of peru has been denying the existence of such tribes for years. it would be sad to see such tribes wiped out, but it seems some people don't give a funk. bastardos!

i don't really feel like poop. i just posted that on twitter bc my boss mentioned having read my twitter, and i called in sick today bc i don't want to work. haha i like my boss - he's a cool dude. but i hate inside sales. in the last year i had forgotten how much i hate cold calling.

im looking for other work right now, i had some offers right after i started this job. if i can find a job that requires less of my time, i am going to use the extra time to put together a business plan. i don't want to go into too much detail, because i have no idea how i will finance this - but i plan to open a food truck.

life is pretty swell right now. i thought i'd point that out since i have been pretty complainy in my last few posts.

also, i've begun baking. breads. im not huge on cake, and i have no interest in creating pies. i love to eat pies, but they don't seem like something i would enjoy creating. bread baking is fun, though. i need a bigger kitchen in my next apartment.

i want grilled cheese and tomato soup. ahora.

70 hour work weeks, half hour commute, and a suggestion that i should be working on my day off as well are really causing me to lose interest in this job already.

i'm a firm believer that one should enjoy life, not work so one can enjoy life when one is too old to squeeze every drop out. but for now i has bills to pay. i need to find something else before the summer gets here. 6 days a week is not going to work for me.

i don't particularly dislike the work, i just think they are asking way too much of me, and still questioning my commitment to the job.

but everything else is going well! kind of. once i get paid ill be able to start eating real food again! and the nurse and i are doing the super in love thing. its swell.

2011 is going pretty well so far. i spent the weekend in burlington, VT with the nurse.

that place is beautiful. and we ate some great food!

a waiter at an italian restaurant corrected my pronunciation of "boscaiola," which i believe means lumberjack. either way, my family and most of the italian-americans i know pronounce the "sc" similarly to "sh," which is technically wrong because a "c" before an "a" should be a hard "c". but seriously, waiter - you don't correct a dude on a date. especially not an italian-american from the bronx on a date with an irish-american from boston. i digress. the meal was fantastic.

the breakfast the next day was even better. we had a ton of great food, but read this carefully: banana bread french toast.

i should get my first paycheck at the end of this week. havent had one since before thanksgiving! i'll be able to pay some homeys back. then i'll be able to keep up with bills and still have money to save! squeeeeee

i need to buy new jeans, as well. my giant booty keeps ripping holes in all my favorite pairs.

holy christmas. some people find it odd that, as an atheist, i enjoy christmas so much. i really shun the christian aspect. the gift giving, sitting around a fire, big feasts, santa, etc aren't christian traditions anyway. and that's what i love - the family, the food, the joy. that is secular. that is universal. except for jehova's witnesses. they hate fun.

i didn't get to give anybody good gifts this year, which was a bummer. but i am going to procure for them some swell goodies once i can. i was delighted with what i received, though! my brother, thompy, got me an internal frame backpack. mama got me a few books from my wishlist and some great clothes. my godmother got me snowboots and a slow cooker! those are just some highlights. there was a lot of great stuff. fortunately, fewer gifts than in years past. quality vs quantity, and thats how i like it.

things have been going swimmingly with the nurse. i wont get to see her on nye as she will be working, but were going to vermont the next day for the weekend. im excited.

as of right now there is a pretty sweet blizzard rolling through boston. i havent seen more than a touch of snow in 5 years so this is my jam right now. i'll be working from home tomorrow and hopefully i will find time to build a snowman. yay!

hope everybody had the sickest xmas and will punch nye in the kidney.

oh snap. i think this is going to blow over. she texted me earlier today. she's still kinda confused - not because i had the pictures but because i let her see them. but it seems like she still wants to be with me. so thats cool

that leaves my head much clearer to work. that's right - work. i'm glad to be employed, even if it means having work to do all weekend.

also, i think sometime in 2011 i want to work at a puppy daycare and then open my own. i love puppies.

also, i might have come up with a really good, simple, but novel idea that might prove lucrative. idk if id call it an invention, but it might be an innovation that i could cash in on. can't tell you what it is.

edit: damn. i think my innovation might not be as innovative as previously thought. i need to look into this. more to come

i fuck everything up.

last night the nurse and i told each other we are in love... with each other.

and i already ruined it. i gave her my old phone bc hers was giving her trouble. my old phone had some pictures of naked chicks on it. she saw them and is not pleased. she needs time to think about us.

i feel sick. i've never been in love, and i've already destroyed it.

edit:
she said the issue isn't the photos, it's that i let her see the photos. it seems like the issue is that i've slept with so many women. i don't know. she said she needs time to think about this. she said she is scared.

but she loves me.