It's a long walk home
Current mood: fucked
The end of a four day weekend can really kill your mood. And to think that you might have wasted the free time on nothing. I did really nothing. I stared at the television, stared at the computer, stared at my PSP, and still I haven't accomplished a damn thing. And you know all the complaining I have made about wanting to leave here, I don't even want to go back to Korea either. I mean there are things Im looking forward to being there, but there is so much bullshit I forgot about before. Like how I am constantly stressed out from work and I never have enough time to do anything I like. It's going to be cold as hell in the mornings when I have to ride a bike to work at 6am. But at least there's a little more excitement there than here at the ST. Roberts, MO wallmart.
It's definately time for a change. I don't know what its going to be yet. I just need to lift all the weight off my shoulders. I'm through with the monotony. Because shit doesn't have to be permenant all the time. I don't have to sit back anymore and just think about what I'm going to say. I want to speak freely and say something even if its not cool to say or just plain rude. I'm tired of being afraid. I can't even keep a conversation on the telephone. I feel fucking boring. I don't want to laugh at your jokes, because they are not funny. I don't want to smile because I feel I have too. And those experiences where people show you pictures of their kids or their wives, what the hell do you want me to say? "oh that's the cutest thing I have ever seen", "She is really beautiful, yer a lucky guy". No way, not anymore. I have to speak the truth. "your kid looks generic and ugly like every other baby picture I've seen in my life", "your wife is so fat! You need to stop feeding her so much, besides she is fucking your best friend while you are on deployment". So that is real life. I have to stop letting people influence my feelings and just do what's right for once. Being afraid to stand up for myself in fear of what someone thinks. And everyone speaks as if this is easy! It's not, because you always find yourself speaking what others want to hear.
My thinking isn't as negative as it sounds. But I want to be human. I want to be a child again, where the things I see are what they are. Before you "learned" how to keep your emotions under control. Im not saying I want to walk around like a time bomb exploding in crazy emotions because I feel like it. But make life more honest. If you could truly say how you feel about a person, it might do some good. So Im going to stop painting a picture of what I feel you should see, I want to be the real me.
The latest news with me, nothing really. I wake up early tomorrow and play soldier in the cold for the next 4 days. It might do me some good and keep me away from technology for awhile. I've become so used to relying on my phone and computer that I've forgotten birthdays of people I care about. My dad had to remind me of his about a week later. I know that sucks, because he sure wouldn't forget mine. I bought some stamps and postcards too, but theyre still sitting on my desk with nothing written on them. Family and friends who took the time to write and send me something are now getting nothing from me. I just ran out of time. My nights sitting in the guard tower I have to think about them, just hope they understand how busy it gets when you have a busy mind. I could be anywhere but always feel that another place could be better. There is always a bigger and better party than the one you are currently at. And the music doesn't suck as bad. And just maybe you could be the coolest person there.
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Current mood: fucked
The end of a four day weekend can really kill your mood. And to think that you might have wasted the free time on nothing. I did really nothing. I stared at the television, stared at the computer, stared at my PSP, and still I haven't accomplished a damn thing. And you know all the complaining I have made about wanting to leave here, I don't even want to go back to Korea either. I mean there are things Im looking forward to being there, but there is so much bullshit I forgot about before. Like how I am constantly stressed out from work and I never have enough time to do anything I like. It's going to be cold as hell in the mornings when I have to ride a bike to work at 6am. But at least there's a little more excitement there than here at the ST. Roberts, MO wallmart.
It's definately time for a change. I don't know what its going to be yet. I just need to lift all the weight off my shoulders. I'm through with the monotony. Because shit doesn't have to be permenant all the time. I don't have to sit back anymore and just think about what I'm going to say. I want to speak freely and say something even if its not cool to say or just plain rude. I'm tired of being afraid. I can't even keep a conversation on the telephone. I feel fucking boring. I don't want to laugh at your jokes, because they are not funny. I don't want to smile because I feel I have too. And those experiences where people show you pictures of their kids or their wives, what the hell do you want me to say? "oh that's the cutest thing I have ever seen", "She is really beautiful, yer a lucky guy". No way, not anymore. I have to speak the truth. "your kid looks generic and ugly like every other baby picture I've seen in my life", "your wife is so fat! You need to stop feeding her so much, besides she is fucking your best friend while you are on deployment". So that is real life. I have to stop letting people influence my feelings and just do what's right for once. Being afraid to stand up for myself in fear of what someone thinks. And everyone speaks as if this is easy! It's not, because you always find yourself speaking what others want to hear.
My thinking isn't as negative as it sounds. But I want to be human. I want to be a child again, where the things I see are what they are. Before you "learned" how to keep your emotions under control. Im not saying I want to walk around like a time bomb exploding in crazy emotions because I feel like it. But make life more honest. If you could truly say how you feel about a person, it might do some good. So Im going to stop painting a picture of what I feel you should see, I want to be the real me.
The latest news with me, nothing really. I wake up early tomorrow and play soldier in the cold for the next 4 days. It might do me some good and keep me away from technology for awhile. I've become so used to relying on my phone and computer that I've forgotten birthdays of people I care about. My dad had to remind me of his about a week later. I know that sucks, because he sure wouldn't forget mine. I bought some stamps and postcards too, but theyre still sitting on my desk with nothing written on them. Family and friends who took the time to write and send me something are now getting nothing from me. I just ran out of time. My nights sitting in the guard tower I have to think about them, just hope they understand how busy it gets when you have a busy mind. I could be anywhere but always feel that another place could be better. There is always a bigger and better party than the one you are currently at. And the music doesn't suck as bad. And just maybe you could be the coolest person there.
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v728/ponycanyon/Cimg0025.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">
Summer is over already! Missouri is already cold enough to see your own breath. Even though Im heading back home to Korea, I still am not able to escape to a warmer place, but oh well at least I have the heated floors of my apartment.
I've spent the last 3 months here in Army chemical school and I already feel moved in. I've collected so much junk just from staying in one place for awhile. I miss the freedom I had when I was younger, being able to up and move because I didn't have any real personal property aside from some pictures and a few mix tapes. True freedom is when you can up and leave without any strings attached and the future is all what you expect it to be. What happened in my life that made me take such a drastic change? A decision that I live with that might be for the better, but I will never know.
The early summer of 1998, I just finished a 6 week tour of the states with cause. I took it for granted and came back with a careless attitude. When you are young you seem to think that all good things that happen to you will continue to happen. I was wrong. Getting to know someone that you are constantly around, you become so comfortable that you will disrespect that person without even realizing that you are doing it. At least that's what happened to me. My best friends, bandmates, the guys I grew up with, I didnt respect them like I should. I didn't think that I could lose anything with them. I felt unstoppable. Toward the end of the tour I became overly sensitive and at the same time I didnt respect my friends, I ended up flaking out on some shows. I just walked home. I didnt answer my phone, I just hid out and thought that they would be there for me after my moodiness went away. It didnt work out that way, the next few shows it was always another band member not showing up to the show, so we would end up not playing.
That summer I had nothing anymore. I would spend hours alone feeling sorry for myself. I would make myself worry, thinking about my future. I felt that everyone else grew up and I was still a child at 23 years old. I couldnt keep a job, a relationship, or manage to attain any goals without giving up. I needed an education, that was the only way I could survive. Being an anarchist, smashing the state or whatever I thought I was doing was getting me nowhere. I couldnt change a thing and all it was doing was making me struggle to practice what I preach. I never wanted to be a hypocrite. Hardcore is about living and doing, the revolution of every day life. I thought about the slogans I would make a mockery of, liberation of desire, mutual aid, and voluntary cooperation. What I desired was security. I wanted know that I would always have a home, that everything I cared about would be permanent. Education has a price and at the time I didnt think that I could get it for free. I decided that putting my politics on hold and enlisting in the National guard for one weekend a month would help me get the money for school that I needed.
From the beginning to the present, it has been biting tongues and struggle. Being myself in the military has been a movement against the grain and I wont regret my decision to be here. Raising my right hand with fingers extended and joined instead of a fist. "So help me god". Saluting the flag. Standing at attention. Yelling the word "kill". Being laughed at, being judged. It's all a compromise for security. I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough. Trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. And for what? A constitution that is ignored and a nation of citizens who have been ignored. Number one hated country. This we'll defend?
It hasn't been all that bad. I have learned to really open my mind and accept a number of ideas and people that I would never know. I have learned respect, responsibility, and how to take care of myself and the ones I care about. It has given me the chance to see another country and way of life. It has changed me for the better.
So when asked why I joined the Army, I did it for the security of those I love. Not everything in life is going to be permanent. But when you have what you want, respect it while it's there, because if you keep your head up the good things always come back.
Now its time to face the cold winter and get ready for another year of change and monotony. Everyday will be my education and everyday will be my revolution of everyday life.
I've spent the last 3 months here in Army chemical school and I already feel moved in. I've collected so much junk just from staying in one place for awhile. I miss the freedom I had when I was younger, being able to up and move because I didn't have any real personal property aside from some pictures and a few mix tapes. True freedom is when you can up and leave without any strings attached and the future is all what you expect it to be. What happened in my life that made me take such a drastic change? A decision that I live with that might be for the better, but I will never know.
The early summer of 1998, I just finished a 6 week tour of the states with cause. I took it for granted and came back with a careless attitude. When you are young you seem to think that all good things that happen to you will continue to happen. I was wrong. Getting to know someone that you are constantly around, you become so comfortable that you will disrespect that person without even realizing that you are doing it. At least that's what happened to me. My best friends, bandmates, the guys I grew up with, I didnt respect them like I should. I didn't think that I could lose anything with them. I felt unstoppable. Toward the end of the tour I became overly sensitive and at the same time I didnt respect my friends, I ended up flaking out on some shows. I just walked home. I didnt answer my phone, I just hid out and thought that they would be there for me after my moodiness went away. It didnt work out that way, the next few shows it was always another band member not showing up to the show, so we would end up not playing.
That summer I had nothing anymore. I would spend hours alone feeling sorry for myself. I would make myself worry, thinking about my future. I felt that everyone else grew up and I was still a child at 23 years old. I couldnt keep a job, a relationship, or manage to attain any goals without giving up. I needed an education, that was the only way I could survive. Being an anarchist, smashing the state or whatever I thought I was doing was getting me nowhere. I couldnt change a thing and all it was doing was making me struggle to practice what I preach. I never wanted to be a hypocrite. Hardcore is about living and doing, the revolution of every day life. I thought about the slogans I would make a mockery of, liberation of desire, mutual aid, and voluntary cooperation. What I desired was security. I wanted know that I would always have a home, that everything I cared about would be permanent. Education has a price and at the time I didnt think that I could get it for free. I decided that putting my politics on hold and enlisting in the National guard for one weekend a month would help me get the money for school that I needed.
From the beginning to the present, it has been biting tongues and struggle. Being myself in the military has been a movement against the grain and I wont regret my decision to be here. Raising my right hand with fingers extended and joined instead of a fist. "So help me god". Saluting the flag. Standing at attention. Yelling the word "kill". Being laughed at, being judged. It's all a compromise for security. I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough. Trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. And for what? A constitution that is ignored and a nation of citizens who have been ignored. Number one hated country. This we'll defend?
It hasn't been all that bad. I have learned to really open my mind and accept a number of ideas and people that I would never know. I have learned respect, responsibility, and how to take care of myself and the ones I care about. It has given me the chance to see another country and way of life. It has changed me for the better.
So when asked why I joined the Army, I did it for the security of those I love. Not everything in life is going to be permanent. But when you have what you want, respect it while it's there, because if you keep your head up the good things always come back.
Now its time to face the cold winter and get ready for another year of change and monotony. Everyday will be my education and everyday will be my revolution of everyday life.
