All right. Here's the deal...
I had another horrible couple of nights, and I responded by writing yet another lengthy existential crisis/I can't relate to the people here manifesto. It's long, well-written, and angsty. The time I invested in it should have been spent towards the book, whose word count could have definitely needed the attention as my publisher's deadline is getting closer and closer. And, like all others before it, I felt embarrassed to have openly admit my pain and fears only a couple hours later.
Now usually I just update with something silly and quick in order to bump it back; no one that I know of ever takes the time to check your archives. But a few people expressed interest in these journal entries for various reasons. So, I decided that anytime I write something in which I articulately lament living here, I'll just wrap it in spoiler tags and put it at the bottom of the page as I have done here. I will warn you that this is not one of the funny ones I've written in the past, since my stress level is well past being able to pass my difficulties off with levity. It's probably one of my longest to date, even without what I'm writing now. If you are looking for levity, then the following is here for you.
Desperate for a good laugh and some perspective, I played with the personals on Yahoo. I keep writing here that my lack of social life is mainly due to a poor singles market in my corner of Hell. Whenever I start to feel bad and placing the blame of everything wrong within a 10 mile radius on myself, I find myself reaffirming my faith in my area's suck factor by looking at people worse off than I am.
I know that sounds horrible, but we do it all the time: it's called television. Reality shows, magazine shows, human interest stories on the news, Dr. Phil...nothing perks you up quicker than seeing someone in deeper shit than yourself. For me, it's the personals.
My favorite all time personals headline?
"Devout Surfer seeks Christian Warrior"
My current favorite from tonight:
"Elsie needs some lovin'!"
There really are no decent women here. Of course, there are no decent men either, but that's purely academic. Not only did it reassure my belief that things that my lack of play has more than a few environmental factors going, but it gave me insight into the women in my area.
1. Local women apparently stop keeping track of birthdays after the 29th.
Some of those 29 y/o's looked they had more than a few grandkids running around the yard. Lying about your age by a span of decades and posting a headshot implies that you're either a horrible liar or that you and reality are not currently on speaking terms.
2. The divorce rate in my immediate area has sky rocketed.
Which is pretty bad, considering how insanely high it was before I came back here. Usually I would have to set the search at a 50 mile radius just to get a page of profiles, but there were at least 20 women within about a 5 minute drive of me; only 2 had never been married or with kids.
3. Everyone around here owns a horse.
Roughly 90% of the profiles I read listed horseback riding as a hobby. I know of only 3 horse farms in the tri-county area, and their combined head of horses cannot accomodate all these women. Where the fuck are all the extra horses? Are they hiding? Is there some type of rodeo conspiracy afoot?
4. Everyone here lies about going to church.
Okay, not all of them, but despite there being a church every quarter mile in the area, I know all these women are not going that often. Lie about your age? Okay. Lie about your weight? Understandable. Lie about how devoutly religious you are? I have no clue. Are they try to seduce online seminary students? It's odd to me, because one of the advantages of participating in an organized religion is that you create numerous social ties to people who hold beliefs and values similiar to your own. Beyond the potential of the congregation, many of those old people have single grandkids they are dying to unload on a girl of their choosing. The fact that they are looking for a love in a place that is a hop, skip, and a jump away from a sea of porn is a big red flag.
5. This is the busy season for gold digging.
Gold diggers are usually a mainstay for online personals, but I only saw one. They're very obvious about it: they list 'Any' under all categories except in concern to your annual income. I guess the warm weather brings out the rich old men.
6. There is definitely some incest going on down here.
Or illegal dumping of toxic waste. All human beings are beautiful creatures, but....damn.
To be fair, there were a couple of girls on there who were seemingly honest, intelligent, and attractive; I'm sure they're going through the same problems as I am. It's always nice to know you aren't the only one in a bad predicament, and I wish them the best of luck, because the guys on those personals are ten times scarier than anything I saw.
I'm actually feeling better now; I think I'll get cracking on Chapter 3 this morning. I also think that my next journal will be some of those anecdotes that some of you of you requested.
The original angsty, existential crisis journal from earlier this morning....
I had another horrible couple of nights, and I responded by writing yet another lengthy existential crisis/I can't relate to the people here manifesto. It's long, well-written, and angsty. The time I invested in it should have been spent towards the book, whose word count could have definitely needed the attention as my publisher's deadline is getting closer and closer. And, like all others before it, I felt embarrassed to have openly admit my pain and fears only a couple hours later.
Now usually I just update with something silly and quick in order to bump it back; no one that I know of ever takes the time to check your archives. But a few people expressed interest in these journal entries for various reasons. So, I decided that anytime I write something in which I articulately lament living here, I'll just wrap it in spoiler tags and put it at the bottom of the page as I have done here. I will warn you that this is not one of the funny ones I've written in the past, since my stress level is well past being able to pass my difficulties off with levity. It's probably one of my longest to date, even without what I'm writing now. If you are looking for levity, then the following is here for you.
Desperate for a good laugh and some perspective, I played with the personals on Yahoo. I keep writing here that my lack of social life is mainly due to a poor singles market in my corner of Hell. Whenever I start to feel bad and placing the blame of everything wrong within a 10 mile radius on myself, I find myself reaffirming my faith in my area's suck factor by looking at people worse off than I am.
I know that sounds horrible, but we do it all the time: it's called television. Reality shows, magazine shows, human interest stories on the news, Dr. Phil...nothing perks you up quicker than seeing someone in deeper shit than yourself. For me, it's the personals.
My favorite all time personals headline?
"Devout Surfer seeks Christian Warrior"
My current favorite from tonight:
"Elsie needs some lovin'!"
There really are no decent women here. Of course, there are no decent men either, but that's purely academic. Not only did it reassure my belief that things that my lack of play has more than a few environmental factors going, but it gave me insight into the women in my area.
1. Local women apparently stop keeping track of birthdays after the 29th.
Some of those 29 y/o's looked they had more than a few grandkids running around the yard. Lying about your age by a span of decades and posting a headshot implies that you're either a horrible liar or that you and reality are not currently on speaking terms.
2. The divorce rate in my immediate area has sky rocketed.
Which is pretty bad, considering how insanely high it was before I came back here. Usually I would have to set the search at a 50 mile radius just to get a page of profiles, but there were at least 20 women within about a 5 minute drive of me; only 2 had never been married or with kids.
3. Everyone around here owns a horse.
Roughly 90% of the profiles I read listed horseback riding as a hobby. I know of only 3 horse farms in the tri-county area, and their combined head of horses cannot accomodate all these women. Where the fuck are all the extra horses? Are they hiding? Is there some type of rodeo conspiracy afoot?
4. Everyone here lies about going to church.
Okay, not all of them, but despite there being a church every quarter mile in the area, I know all these women are not going that often. Lie about your age? Okay. Lie about your weight? Understandable. Lie about how devoutly religious you are? I have no clue. Are they try to seduce online seminary students? It's odd to me, because one of the advantages of participating in an organized religion is that you create numerous social ties to people who hold beliefs and values similiar to your own. Beyond the potential of the congregation, many of those old people have single grandkids they are dying to unload on a girl of their choosing. The fact that they are looking for a love in a place that is a hop, skip, and a jump away from a sea of porn is a big red flag.
5. This is the busy season for gold digging.
Gold diggers are usually a mainstay for online personals, but I only saw one. They're very obvious about it: they list 'Any' under all categories except in concern to your annual income. I guess the warm weather brings out the rich old men.
6. There is definitely some incest going on down here.
Or illegal dumping of toxic waste. All human beings are beautiful creatures, but....damn.
To be fair, there were a couple of girls on there who were seemingly honest, intelligent, and attractive; I'm sure they're going through the same problems as I am. It's always nice to know you aren't the only one in a bad predicament, and I wish them the best of luck, because the guys on those personals are ten times scarier than anything I saw.
I'm actually feeling better now; I think I'll get cracking on Chapter 3 this morning. I also think that my next journal will be some of those anecdotes that some of you of you requested.
The original angsty, existential crisis journal from earlier this morning....
I am sorry that you are feeling so down. Is there anything I can do to help?
Seth Green is so cute and little. He is exactly 1 inch taller then me! I wanted to meet him so bad.
Love you. Feel better!