So im super duper sick which sucks and i dont know whats wrong with me and it makes it worse, i have some infection in my tonsels which is making my whole body feel soo drained i can hardly stand because i just feel so weak, like ive been standing for days without sitting at all. blahhhhhh i dont have anything meaningful to say but im bored so here i am.

so after a long time of not doing anything on here im finally gonna try and keep up again. so an update of my life for anyone who cares: i work, a lot. i guess it isnt really that much but it feels like im always there. and now after 2 years of just working after high school, two years of saying that i was gonna go back and not doing anything about it im in college. im only taking two classes but at least its something. im really glad to be doing it and it wouldnt have even happend without the help and push from my best friend. she made me go to the school to register and after that kinda failed to make sure i didnt use that as an excuse she called the school and made an appointment for me to get everything done, and it payed off. now im finally a college student! Other than that i have my friends that i love and a most of the time really good boyfriend. I think that our personalities clash in a lot of ways but oddly it works for us. i love him dearly and after the end of my last relationship i honestly didnt think that i would ever be able to love someone like this again. the only thing is that he can be so good and make me so happy, he tells me wonderful things and just being with him makes me happy but then the next day he can not call me or not be sweet to me at all or tell me hell hang out with me and hang out with his friends instead. ive told him that this bugs me and it happend multiple times. is it wrong that i feel i should be a top priority? i put him above pretty much anything else shouldnt he do the same? he told me that it wouldnt happen anymore but i guess well see cause its only been a few days. but then his friends are telling him that im doing inapropriate things at partys and gatherings that i shouldnt be doing, and none of these things are actually cheating because ive learned from past mistakes that im not going to do that again. but apparently it was enough to make him question weather or not he wanted to be with me, which was also upsetting because ive put up with what i said before and other things that i thought could have been deal breakers (or should have been) and while i did talk to him about it i never was actually close to ending it because most of the time i am happy with him. it sucks that relationships have to be so complicated and hard, especially when you love someone. is it really worth it? to deal with all the ups and downs? ive given friends my opinions on situations like this before but its so hard when its the other way around. do the good outweigh the bads? yeah i think they do but the bads seem to keep coming more often. so im gonna stick with it and hope that everything worls out. its just hard because i overanalize EVERYTHING and i try not to get so upset or to care as much as i do but i cant let certain things go. i guess i can be kinda controling. oh well. sorry about that rant i just needed somewhere to get it out. if you read the whole thing, Thanks for paying attention. if not, well then your probley not gonna see this then huh? i appreciate any feed back or comments. lovetoall xox

a couple weekends ago, my completely sober friends and i decided to run around and be random. it was a good night. im gonna put more pictures with my pictures!

excited for easter :-) i love family gatherings because my family is so much fun, its always a hilarious, good time. and me and my cousins hunt easter eggs, haha yes at 20 i still have to do it, along with my older and younger cousins. I really wish mike was with me, and coming, because the last time he did he had to hunt for them too. it was cute. my family really liked/s him....sigh

I've always been the kind of person that believes in things like signs and fate, and that everything happens for a reason, although sometimes i think there isnt really a reason for somethings...anyways, ive mentioned my ex on here before and i think that part of the reason that happend was karma because i did something that was wrong and i was being taught a lesson, but i feel bad for saying this but i also feel the whole thing was a little much, i mean what i went through was nearly unbearable, and its bad because i know it must have been at least a little worse for him, just in a diffrent way. back to my point, there hasnt really been much in the form or signs about what i should do about my ex or what was gonna happen with the exception of hearing songs or seeing things that remind me of him. but i feel like the other day fate stepped in, i found out that he was coming home, and i wanted to see him and talk to him because, we ended our 2 year relationship over the phone because he is living across the country right now. one day thoo my best friend and i decided that we were going to go meet a friend at the mall which is completely diffrent from what we had originally planned, so we got there and went to visit my friends work and her coworkers told her that someone had come to see her and they described who it was and it was him and one of our other friends. we ended up seeing them and he and i talked for the second time since we broke up and the first time in person in 3 months. it was really hard, but good. so we talked about maybe meeting up that night (it was monday, st patricks day) but as the night went on they seemed less and less interested and more and more like it wasnt gonna happen so around ten or so sarah decided she was going to leave and just hang out with her boyfriend and i was just gonna be at my house, then 20 minutes after she left she told me dan decided to do something else and we were going out, and thats what we did, we met up with them and i ended up spending the night at his house. we talked about a lot of things and somethings were really good and others were just really hard. im pretty sure that the hardest thing in my life was to tell this man just how much i love him, and have him not be able to tell me back. i know that what happend that day/night doesnt at all mean that we are going to get back together or even that were really okay, but being able to be with him was amazing, it may be stupid, but i feel like fate stepped in, and made me realize a few things about our situation and just how strongand real my feelings for him really are. and maybe, hopefully, it did something for him too....

new stuff

this morning i had the worst dream that i can remember having...when i was with my ex, i used to randomly have bad dreams about him, and a lot of the time he would wake me up because i was crying...the dream that i had was about him and for a little backround we broke up like 2 months ago after being together for 2 year, i did something that i shouldnt have done, and payed the ultimate price for it, and im still in love with him...so i had a dream that he came home (he is currently across the country) and i went to pick him up somewhere to bring him to stay at my house for some reason, i got there and he went to get in the car and then all of a sudden this girl came out of no where, and it was his new girlfriend. i stayed calm for as long as i could and we got back to the house and they were going to stay together in one of the bedrooms, i had to see them together for a whole day in my dream, i swear it was the longest dream ever. i know that he doesnt like it when im emotional so the whole dream i was trying to hide how crushed i was and had to hide when i couldnt contain my tears anymore. i finally woke up and couldnt believe how horrible i felt after that, the whole thing was so vivid and just stuck in my mind. i tried to go back to sleep but i just kept thinking about that dream, and then to make it all better, since i was thinking about it so much i had another dream about it but i cant even talk about it it was so painful... this situation of my life is just so complicated right now, and i just dont know what to do, i cant even escape it in sleep anymore.

Well, i had an okay weekend...helped out some friends by running a spotlight for their play at school on friday and saturday night, worked all day friday and saturday before that. i was pretty tired, working a lot early in the morning, running around then going right to the play and being out till about midnight...saturday night after the show there was a cast party at someones house, it was a good time. although now i am soo sore! it is so icey here on the way to the car to go, i fell(on pavement) and im pretty sure that i bruised my bottom...and then the genious that i am i decided to join the (drunken) crowd and attempt to slide down a ice covered hill on my feet. i fell haha and then about 10 minutes later i realized that i was bleeding, my foot went underneath me when i fell and i scraped the whole top of my foot. thats what you get for being stupid and choosing cute shoes over practical ones. oh and speaking of shoess i bought these really rad shoes today, they were a little expensive for me, but they kinda suit me and they dont make them anymore so i just got them, they are like old school reebok high tops and theyre purple!! that is the best part to me because i have a slight obsession with purple, when i go and hang out with my usual group of people they always ask me if im wearing purple and if not they keep asking why, because i always am. my friend joe even decided to dedicate his purple pants to me...haha

to those of you who read my blog about valentines day, it wasnt so bad, basically just another day. the hardest part was that i kept thinking about my ex, but i worked all day and then helped out with the play so at least i didnt sit at home by myself all day, and i wasnt exposed to too much sapppy coupley-ness....

well, i dont really have much else to say, i have a lot of stuff on my mind right now, and im afraid if i sit here to long and keep going that ill babble more pointless things that no one really wants to hear about. im slightly dramatic but going through something very tough, with what i talked about a little on my last thing.... but....maybe another day...

my life is pretty much boring and i really dont have anything exciting to say so instead im just gonna whine and complain for a second. if you dont like silly complaints you shouldnt read ahead....i hate valentines day.

ok so maybe thats a lie. im a sappy hopeless romantic and i LOVE valentines day but, i just got out of a two year very serious relationship, like i mean serious, i gave up a lot for this guy, we were apart for 10 months because he joined the navy, we stayed together and i gave up a lot then, i spent that time working constantly so that i could save enough money to move across the country for him so that we wouldnt have to be apart. anyway, we are no longer together....its only been a little over a month, i miss him terribley, and he refuses to talk to me...anyway since its almost valentines day allllll i hear about all the time is how soon it is and how great it is and whos doing what with who, because you see all of my friends have a significnat other. i wish that it would just damn come and be over with already so i dont have to think/hear about it anymore. im gonna be alone, and thats that.

sorry there really was no point to that...

Hello everyone! It is I only, i had to start over because i am a noob and couldnt remember my password or figure out another way to restart my account, so here i am starting fresh. I'm really really glad to be back, money was tight for a while so i couldnt spend any to come back but some big changes have happend in my life so i had enough cash to spend. Well i dont have much to say now, but i really hope to recontact the great people i was friends with before and i hope to meet lots of new people too!