About time for a new one of these eh? Well, apologies for not being around. Work is busy as usual, and I've been running off on trips too, which puts a smile on my face for reasons of mind your own business!

It's not summer here. It just bloody isn't. The sun sort of half arsed came out today. Twas raining and grey when I got off a plane yesterday. June my arse. I really hope it's not going to be like this all summer. I'm hoping to get away a few times to warmer climbs over the summer. Work is pretty much dead for the whole of august and July is never busy either. I reckon I've got till mid july to work as much as possible, and then a good six weeks of doing little or nothing. Sounds good doesn't it? Catch is, if I'm not doing business I'm not earning anything either.

I'm actually a happy boy at the moment. I mean, I'm rarely really unhappy, I muddle along somehow whatever is going on, but at the moment I'm in a positively good mood. There is a tangible reason for this, but I'm going to be all elusive and secretive about it. Don't want to jinx things.

My best mate is back from a nearly 2 month trip to the states, which is good. He's the only person I really confide in regarding my personal life, feelings and all that. It's a bit odd going for so long without that sort of conversation, and it's even more odd noticing the fact. I don't usually.

I've spent far too much money lately. Time to tighten the belt a bit. I need to be working hard too atm. I've bought loads of documentary DVDs from Amazon. Why don't they make proper documentaries anymore? Why does everything have to be of narrative structure and have 40% contentless dramatisations of things that have already been explained? I reckon modern documentaries have less than half the content of the ones I grew up with, and present a far more simple (read dumb) interpretation of the facts. I find it very annoying. The world is getting more stupid because people aren't being expected to think. If you don't expect them to, chances are they won't. Also, there isn't a black and white answer to every question. Apologies to my American friends here, but that's an American trend we seem to be following. What is interesting about history, politics, science etc is that it IS open to interpretation, and new ideas come around all the time. Might is much more interesting than Is.

Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you're all doing fine, and apologies again for not commenting or generally being around.

And yes, it's true- I'm totally behind on my weekly update! Thank fuck for the weather. It's cheered me right up. Hope it stays, at least for a while.

So, what's been happening? Answer: not a great deal. Main reason for not updating actually. I have, to a lesser extent, been continuing my film watching flex. When I add up the titles of the so called classics I've never seen before you'd wonder how I could ever consider myself to be a film buff! Truth is, for some odd reason, I don't really like the cinema that much. It isn't the most social of activities, but at the same time I don't like going alone. I like to have someone with whom I can dissect the film afterwards over a drink or two. Thus I miss a lot of "just out" films and have to play catchup with DVDs. Lovefilm is excellent for this. Best thing I've done in a long time was join.

The non drinking has been fine, but only really because I've not been going out much, so it's not been much of a test. My friends, for the record, are chronically shit at keeping in touch. If I don't bother then nobody else does either. Doesn't that make one feel wanted! Arseholes mutter mutter.... My best friend is out of the country for another few weeks and we spend at least one evening a week, usually two and possibly some day time activity doing stuff, so that's a big chunk of my weekly socialising gone.

Monday is my Grandmothers memorial service. It's not a funeral because she donated her body to medical science. I don't imagine it'll be fun. Lots of distant relatives with whom I have nothing to do, and who's names and faces i don't really remember or know. It's a case of getting through as best one can I think.

On the film front I have watched:

City of Lost Children- Been on my to watch list for ages. Didn't disappoint. Loved it.

Curse of the Golden Flower- Same director as Hero and House of Flying Daggers. I loved those films. This was a pile of lazy meladromatic shite relying on big showy visuals without the integrity or storyline to earn them. A perfect example of what happens when you give a film maker too much money and pressure them in to repeating earlier successes. Shit. So so so shit. I got half an hour in and thought "well, it's not as good as the others clearly, but it's not THAT bad. Not sure why everyone slated it so hard."
Then they proceeded to shit all over the already not very exciting atmosphere they'd set up.
There was a hot girl in it. That is it's only redeeming feature.

Hard Boiled: Well known 1980s Hong Kong action film which in the words of one critic "shits all over every hollywood action film made in the last five years". It is an action film. It is impressive considering the budget. Those Hong Kong guys are talented. It bored me, I don't need to see another high octane gangster shootout as long as I live, however much I like Tony Leung and Chow Yun Fat.

The Big Blue: English language, but basically a French film by Luc Besson. Another 80s offering. Weird concept- young boy's father dies in a diving accident. He grows up to be a world champion diver. Feels like a fish out of water, loves dolphins, finds it hard to get on with humans and the real world. I won't spoil it, but it's a sad film, but worth watching. Quite beautiful in its way.

Black Cat White Cat: A film by Emir Kustarica, Croatian director of Underground, which is a completely brilliant completely demented film. This is less brilliant and less demented. It's got no serious theme to it, just a bit of fun. It's about some very colourful gypsies getting in to dodgy deals, cheating, marrying off family members etc. It's funny, joyful, it'll cheer you right up. As there's no serious theme to it I don't want to give away the plot (although when you watch it you can see most of it coming a mile off apart from a minor twist at the end).
Here's one of the characters. Nice chap:


Well, that's more than enough to bore you with I reckon. I hope you're all doing well. XXX

Time for my weekly update! This week I have been mostly preparing for Portobello. For those of you wise enough not to be keeping up with the oh so fascinating events of my life, I've taken a space at Portobello market in one of the arcades. It was actually unusually quiet- Paddys Law the day I'm opening there. No matter. Sold something with a reasonable profit left in it, so paid for the day plus a bit.

Enough of work.

I've mostly been watching films this week, and reading. My best mate has buggered off to the states for a month, so our thursday night dinner and wine evening didn't happen, and won't do for a while now. I went out with my friend Zoe for dinner on monday, and met her new bloke. NIce chap, but I can't see them staying together for long.

So, went on a Michael Caine kick and watched two films which nobody can believe I've never seen before, the Italian Job and Alfie.
The Italian Job: Hmmmm... entertaining enough I suppose, but I really don't see what all the fuss is about.
Alfie: wow, not what I expected at all. I avoided the remake and am told I was wise to do so. The original, well, a hell of a lot more intense than I thought it was going to be. I always thought it was a semi-comedy. Not a bit of it. I liked it, but won't be watching it again in a hurry. I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to misery.

Also I watched Gohatto, a Japanese period film about a Samurai school in the late 19th century. Dissent, murder and intrigue ensue when a young and beautiful boy joins the school and a number of men fall in love or lust with him. It plays on the question of how much he has invited and capitulated this attention. It's a very nicely made film and a good yarn, but at the end it attempts to get a bit philosophical, and doesn't really pull it off.
Re-watched Hana-Bi, a film directed by the star of Gohatto, Beat Takashi. I watched it a long time ago, and barely remembered it. A very interesting film which moves without warning from scenes of quiet sadness and melancholy to some pretty savage violence. It's an odd one, I have to say. Can't quite work out what I thought of it.

I watched 300, a film I avoided in the cinema. It was exactly the glossy tripe I thought it was going to be. Some entertaining moments, but generally speaking vacuous nonsense. A shame, because the story of the 300 is a pretty compelling one, and there's lots of scope to do something really interesting with it. I was about to say that's what you get when you try to convert comic books to the silver screen (Judge Dread anyone?) but then again, Sin City managed it. I actually think if it wasn't for Sin City this film probably never would have got funding. Total shite, but entertaining enough that I'd probably watch it again with a few beers if a mate suggested it.

Oh, and I watched Coming to America. I love that film. Daft as a brush, and pretty saccharine Hollywood nonsense at times, but it earns it anyway. I love Eddie Murphy.

In other news I've been keeping my head above water pretty nicely with all this distraction tactics! My biggest problem at the moment I think, is that so little of my socialising happens anywhere that doesn't involve a drink or three. Nowadays I really get wiped out even if I don't have a hangover when I drink more than a glass or two. I'm making more of an effort to get my friends out of the pub and bar habit and do other things, but it's not so easy, particularly since if I'm honest, I'm the one with the problem. Most people do work normal hours, so in the evening there are limited options that don't involve being in a pub, club or bar, even if you're out to see live music. I'm getting better at sitting in one of the above without a drink, but I do find it hard, and quite often I just say "fuck it, one won't hurt". Of course one leads to one more. It's ironic that when I was a heavy drinker it didn't bother me at all, and now my alcohol intake is really low, but it causes me more aggravation.

Suggestions for non-drinking evening social activities that don't involve the cinema (I can watch a film by myself!) and do involve leaving my flat will be met with much gratitude, and possibly a prize!

I hope you're all well, and if in my part of the world, not getting too peeved by the crappy weather!

Saturday seems to be blog day it seems.

This week has been another funny one. I'm feeling a little better and a little worse. I watched Fahrenheit 9/11 which nobody who knows me can believe I hadn't seen before. I've been avoiding it. I was reasonably clued up politically at the time it was made, and there wasn't much in it I didn't know already, but I find visual images and film sequences get to me far deeper, and frankly I don't always need that.
On a side note I think Michael Moore is a spurious manipulative lying journo-scumball. How nice to have one of them on our side for a change.

In a blog towards the beginning of the year I mentioned watching "In the Mood for Love" by Wong Kar Wai. Then, later in the week, I watched the "unofficial" sequel:



I have no idea why it's considered "unofficial" as it's about the same lead characters life after the events of the first film and is by the same director. Principally, it is also concerned with the same concept: loosing, leaving or rejecting love, and the intensity and uncertainty that can exist in a silence hanging between two people.
Honestly I'm not sure what 2046 had to say which wasn't put so much more elegantly and deftly by "...Love". However, it was an extremely pretty film, and had some stunning moments and intreguing ideas. I enjoyed it, but it dragged a bit and was quite derivative (but I suppose that's a directors prerogative when he's copying his own film).

What it did though, was put me in mind of my life, and where I've been headed with regard to the opposite sex. It wasn't entirely fun to realise that the story of the films bear some parallels with my own life.
Throughout the first film the spanish version of "perhaps, perhaps, perhaps" plays ("Quizas, Quizas, Quizas"). It's a reference to the unspoken question which hangs in the air between the two main characters, who's spouses are having an affair, and who are (or are they) falling in love also but are determined "not to be like them".
You all know the song, but if you need your memory refreshed read the lyrics HERE.

When I split up from my long term ex I met a girl. She'd also just split up with her long term boyfriend a few months before, and in the interim had her heart broken by a wanker. She was scared of getting involved again so quickly and I was head-fucked from my last relationship. What was clear is that we really liked each other, but aside a kiss and some very innocent holding hands it was all singing "Quizas, Quizas, Quizas".
In 2046 we're taken through the next relationships in the lead male from "...Love"s life. He, I think, is judging every woman by the standards of what he's lost, and is wandering soullessly through relationships afraid to allow himself to truly connect to the women he is involved with.
I don't think I feel like that. The parallel here isn't so strong, but it's fair to say the girls I've been involved with since Miss Quizas, well, things haven't gone swimmingly. I don't think it's surprising that I don't have a super relationship with every girl I get involved with, but it's tempting to stretch the parallel further than it needs to go, and it's certainly got me thinking.

So the only decent thing to do is neck a bottle of scotch and fuck it all!

I hope you're all doing well. XX

So, another week under the belt, or over the shoulder if you prefer.

Immediately you can tell I'm in a better mood... Or not so much.

This week has been busy busy busy. I went up to a big fair in Birmingham and found a few decent things, then went to Northampton to see a friend (it's on the way back). Decent sales this week, although the bank balance is still fooked. Selling things is one thing. Actually getting people to pay you- totally different!

So I think I'm probably going to start stalling up at Portobello. I've got a contact in one of the smarter galleries and there's a space vacant. It is too big for me alone, so I've found some people interested in sharing. We shall see what transpires. If it pans out it may be quite fruitful.

That's all work. Pretty much all I've been up to though. I'm also almost certainly going to sell my flat and move to somewhere a bit bigger. Not having enough space is driving me spare, and as the market is a bit wobbly at the moment I can probably afford to upgrade a bit. More financial responsibility, but I should be able to handle it if business keeps the way it is or, even better, improves. It should. I've got a long way to go, and that's a good thing- I certainly don't think I've hit a glass ceiling.

I've decided I want to invest in something tangible with some of the money my Grandmother left me. It won't be a lot. Half goes to my mum and half to me, and by the time she died most of what she'd saved had been spent on running her home, medical things, blah blah blah. But there's going to be a bit, and she didn't leave anything tangible of any value really. She wasn't an acquisitive sort of person.
I want to buy something which is from her, which I can tell my kids is from their great grandmother, and which will stay in the family.
My grandparents bought me a Terry Pratchett book for Xmas and Birthday when I was little. I remember them well, and used to read them when I went on holiday.
I think I'm going to buy one of the original illustrations. Not the front cover illustrations alas- the early ones were done by a bloke called Josh Kirby who died in 2001. They are all privately owned and have never been seen on the open market. I imagine they are worth an absolute fortune.
Now they are done by a guy called Paul Kidby, who has done quite a lot of the covers for the recent books, but also illustrations for some of the extra "nerd" books; Not the novels but Maps, character bios, that sort of thing. He's really good if you like that sort of thing (and actually, I do), and some of the smaller and less important ones are quite affordable. I've been looking in to it, anyway.

The girl mentioned in my last few blogs is back from holiday, and so far seems to be understanding where we are. She did ask me out for a drink a couple of times. One time I politely refused, and the other time I actually was out of town. I'm almost certain she thinks she's going to change my mind on the whole thing, and if she keeps seeing me I'll work it all out. Then again, she may have simply taken what I said at face value and is just being friendly.
Except she did sort of tell me she was convinced I was just "being thick" and would back-pedal on my decision....
I did actually use the words "I don't see us as having a future together" and "the spark is missing" so really other than saying quite mean things which will upset her I don't know how I can be plainer about how I feel. I don't think I need to feel responsible for any wrong thinking she might be doing. I think I've done my bit. I'll watch this space and set her straight if I feel like I have to.

Well I think that's just about it. Much thanks to the people who bother to read and respond to all this dull drivel. I'm not sure why you do, but thank you anyway!

It has been an odd week. Nothing in particular has gone wrong but I feel... funny. I am gliding around with a Mona Lisa face, somewhat bemused, somewhat ok, somewhat not ok.

I can't quite work out how I feel.

Spring was springing. Sharp days but clear and bright as though reality had been intensified somehow. Then rain and wind. I felt like the trees were quivering with anticipation, but as the cold weather stalked back the buds rescinded in to the bark to wait for warmer times.

I hate it when it rains when just above freezing. It's the worst kind of cold.

So I told the young lady mentioned in my last blog what I had decided. In the end I skipped the big fat lie and simply told her that there was something missing, and that although I thought she was a great girl I just didn't feel as strongly about her as I felt I should in order to pursue anything with her. Unfortunately she was determined to make it difficult, and as I knew she would pressed and pressed for more information. I thought that I'd made a pretty clear statement, but she insisted on asking me to say it every which way. That's not such an easy thing to do without drastically hurting someone's feelings. In the end I told her that I didn't think there was a spark, which upset her a lot. I back-pedalled a bit and said that I felt one initially, but not any more, and that I just wasn't feeling the way I should about meeting someone I am thinking of getting involved with.

I think the lie was the way to go. She'd have liked it not at all, but she couldn't have escaped the reality of what I was saying. The way it proceeded she basically refused to accept what I was saying and said something along the lines of "I think you're just being silly and you'll change your mind". I didn't get in to the whys and wherefores of my decision. Perhaps I should have. She'd have understood what I meant then, but I just didn't feel able to character assassinate her in order to make her believe I wasn't going to change my mind. She's gone on holiday for 2 weeks. I have a feeling when she returns the saga will continue.

In other news business has been brisk, and I've been busy. I've got horribly drunk and hung over twice this week, which has made things even busier due to feeling shite, and went out to dinner twice, which involved drinking again, although much more modestly. Despite the socialising I think I feel a bit lonely. That happens quite easily when I'm working and forgetting to go out and see people, but not usually when I have been out every night. If I wasn't so fussy I think I'd be a serial monogamist.

I wish I had some bark I could rescind back in to and wait for warmer times.

Time for a new blog I feel. Not that I have anything in particular to say. I'm in a bit of an odd place at the moment. Feel sort of empty and pointless. I'm not quite depressed but I feel like I'm lacking something. I think it's odd being with someone for 7 years on and off, and then suddenly being 100% single, and having to deal with every little bump in the road by yourself and also the slightly bigger bumps too. I will never stop loving my ex, that'd be like stopping loving a member of my family. However, it's not really her I'm missing. I'm just re-acclimatising to singledom. Meh, I'll get over it.

Reminds me of a song actually. Now, I'm most CERTAINLY not a musical theatre type person, but if you don't completely hate musicals take a look at this. Cheezy music aside the lyrics are pretty much spot on as far as I'm concerned. This is the only version I could find which didn't make me want to vomit due to ghastly over-acting and MTC melodrama.

So about that update... Well, I've not really been around the last week or so. As I said, my Grandmother died last week. I've been looking after my mum, and sorting out a few of the arrangements. Haven't done much work as a result, and thus am out of pocket, but I still decided to go and blow some money on an ipod nano. I always swore I'd never succumb to the ipod lure, but the nano is so cute I just couldn't resist. It cheered me up a little bit.

I also took some of my frustration out on Orange, and made them give me cheaper bills, more free minutes and the latest top o' the range Samsung. I spend enough money with those fuckers they should gold plate it.

I've had quite an eventful couple of weeks. I'm sad about grandmother of course, and feeling... well, a bit on the edge I guess. First valentines day in seven years I've been single. That wasn't especially fun, although I did get a couple of cards which was nice of course.

I've got pretty much the next entire month booked up with appointments, fairs and other diary events. I'm actually probably not going to be that busy, just having something specific to do every day, which I'm not really used to working for myself. I can manage my own time quite well most of the time. When I surface for air after the last and biggest of the fairs I have on I think I will take a short trip somewhere. I feel like I need to relax and reflect quietly for a while. It appears I'm in a bit of a funny headspace at the moment.

Sorry I've not been keeping up with any of your blogs lately. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Much love to you all.

My grandmother died on Friday. This explains why I've not been around. Some of you may know she has been in hospital for some time. It became clear she wasn't going to make it this time a week or so ago.

I'll get a proper blog out tomorrow most likely.

Hope you're all doing very well. My love to you all