As I tread my way across the
old and splintered hardwood floor,
as the old house creaks and whimpers
beneath the wind blown from the shore,
from 'cross the sand she beckons me
to a place I'd dared not go before.

Her long hair hides her pale visage
and the shadows sunk in her sallow skin.
Beneath her breast, her old heart rattles,
frozen by a cold that lurks within.
And yet, in her eyes is a gleaming light
that, in its splendor, pulls you in.

I placed one foot before the other
and with steps slowed, approached this wraith.
She smiled and there appeared another,
with the same worn flesh upon her face.
And in the moonlight, their white hair shone
and blew about their wizened waists.

With voices shrill, they called my name
and from across the way I came.
When one of them snapped her bony fingers,
and summoned a third witch just the same.
And the wind picked up, disturbing the water,
and freezing my blood within my veins.




I'm too tired and high to finish this now. More later.

Je sais que la façon que les gens travaillent
Et cet égoïsme conquiert tout
Je ne te connais pas maintenant
Mais je rappèle que je t'aime

C'est difficile à voir la vérité
Je sais, je sais

Ils peuvent analyser ton chaque pensée
jusqu'à ce que tu ne sais pas lequel d'entre eux toi appartient
Et qui ont été mis là-bas, dans votre tête.
Mais tu peux m'aider à trouver mon chemin
et je peux t'aider à trouver ton propre chemin
Je suis seulement perdu sans toi

La beauté n'est pas une malédiction sur le monde,
Mais l'incorporation de clarté
Ne les laissez pas vous maintenir
N'essayez pas d'obtenir la perfection

C'est difficile à voir la vérité
Je sais, je sais

La beauté est mais une blessure de chair
Celui qui pourrait vous regarder sans tremblement
conduira un poignard par mon âme
Mais tu peux m'aider à trouver mon chemin
et je peux t'aider à trouver ton propre chemin
Je suis seulement perdu sans toi

Mais tu peux m'aider à trouver mon chemin
et je peux t'aider à trouver ton propre chemin
Je suis seulement perdu sans toi

I blew a kiss and watched everything evanesce before me
Your lush, green leaves envelope me and I am happy
I'm riding shotgun in a fast car; he drives like a fireman
The one I love is behind me

It's getting late now and I should sleep
Rest these red eyes before I break
And allow myself to weep
It's getting late now and I should sleep

Brittany is home!
And my Gina Lynn movie finished downloading. She is so hot. Even though she's really fake, as far as her appearance is concerned, and I usually go for natural, unconventional beauty. She's so hot.

And I'm bored. Survey. Like, THAT bored.



Does your opinion of people change if you find out they use drugs?
It depends on which drug.


Are there certain things that can't be joked about, if anything?
Yes.


What was the last educational thing you did?
Chem final.


Have you ever hung upside down from the side of your bed till you felt spacey?
Yeah..


What are you listening to?

CSNY

Doesn't a minute seem much longer when you're waiting and watching time?
Absolutely.


What's the first thing you do when waking up in the morning?
Shower.


What was the reason you last cried?
Dunno.


Who do you not get along with?
I get along with most people. You'd have to be pretty bad for me to not be able to suck it up and get along with you.


Did you ever lose a best friend?
Nah I know exactly where they went.


Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Slightly.


Would you date someone 20 years older than you?
Not date. They'd die too soon. Probably just fool around. Sue me.


Are you waiting for something?
I'm waiting toooo pick up Brittany, see Henry later, Dropkick and Bosstones concert! And French kids. College, the rest of my life. I'm waiting for everything.


Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Harry Potter 4, 5, 6, and 7. Fuck YES. And Of Mice And Men.


Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
It depends. Usually.


What is bothering you right now?
I have an empty house and I am not fucking Henry in it. Fuckin a, man.


Was New Years enjoyable?
It was so bad that I repressed it. Except I didn't. I just wish I could.


Hows the weather today?
Fucking hot.


When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
That is bullshit because no one is ever truly and completely 100% happy. Ever. That's not morbid, that's the truth. I'm pretty content right now though. It comes and goes.

Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
I don't know. Honestly, I don't think so.


What do you miss most about elementary school?
I don't fucking miss elementary school.


If you could get back in touch with one person you've lost touch with, who?
I feel like I'm out of touch with a lot of my camp friends. Which is really unfortunate.

How often do you do laundry?
My grandma insists on doing laundry for me.


What kind of shirt are you wearing?
T-shirt.


Do you regret anything?
Yes and no. Life sucks, but I also know that I wouldn't be the way I am today if I hadn't gone through shit. Which is good and bad. I don't know.


What bothers you the most?
Ignorance and stubbornness.


What's the last ridiculus thing you heard?
Henry bitching Rachel out last night. It was actually really funny. I've never seen him snap at someone before. She had it coming though.


What's the last thing you ate?
Orange juice.


Did you like it ?
Nah, it tasted cheap. Fresh squeezed is the way to go.

Mama says it's wrong to wear a thong
I say that too much skin ain't no sin
Mama, mama, I'm a sinner

Who took it from me?
Who holds the key,
that will unlock these blocked
memories?

So messed up
So fucked up
So grown up

Seventeen and such an adult
Seventeen and such a slut
Seventeen with a daddy complex
Teacher, preacher, everyone's got
a lesson for me

Sugar, sugar, I know what you wanna teach me

Late nights spent in the back of my car
With the bong goin' round and the radio on
Well, the bong's not goin round 'cause it's just you and me
Drowning in our illegalities

Oh, if daddy only knew
the kinds of things that I do
He'd cry, cry cry

Yeah, if daddy could see
the things you do to me
He'd cry, cry, cry

I gave blood today for the first time. It was fairly disastrous.
I did it at school because they were holding a blood drive for students 17 and older in the gym. I did it because it was a good thing to do and all, but also because I'd get to miss class.
I missed 2 1/2 hours of school, most of which wasn't even spent giving blood. It was spent either waiting to give blood or waiting to stop feeling dizzy afterwards. Everyone kept saying "eat a big breakfast, drink lots of fluids! eat lots of food!"
I grossly underestimated to seriousness of those statements. I had a bowl of cereal, a banana, and some cottage cheese for breakfast. That's a fucking feast for me considering I usually just have yogurt and coffee. I brought a 100 calorie pack and an apple to school, when I usually don't bring any food.
Yeah. Not nearly enough. I thought I was going to faint. I came home and made myself a goddamn peanut butter sandwich, something I haven't eaten in a year or more.
It was heavenly.
And I actually ate dinner too. It was insane, no matter what I ate, I was always hungry again within 30 minutes. Giving blood quite literally takes a lot out of you.
But yeah. Back to my mild pseudoanorexia tomorrow, haha.

Oh. And giving blood is painful. It hurt like a mother when they stuck the needle in, and I could feel my vein throbbing as it pumped blood through the tube. Nasty. And now, there is a huge, dark purple, RAISED bruise on my arm. I can't even bend it. I am mutilated.

But I saved a life. So it was modef worth it. I will definitely do it again next year.

Blaahhhhhh.

FUCK THE SYSTEM. FUCK THE MOTHER FUCKING SYSTEM. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT AND ITS SUPERFICIAL LAWS. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT GENERATED PROPAGANDA. FUCK THE SCHOOL BOARD. FUCK THE DEAN. FUCK DREXEL.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU, RONALD REAGAN, FOR STARTING ALL THIS MASS PARANOIA HYSTERIA BULLSHIT.
FUCK YOU, BUSH ADMINISTRATION, FOR KEEPING IT ALIVE AND KICKING.
NO ACTUALLY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM THE BIG BAD POTHEADS. OUR COLLEGE CAMPUSES ARE A LOT SAFER NOW WITHOUT THE GOOD FUCKING STUDENTS WHO LIKE TO RELAX WITH A JOINT ONCE IN A WHILE.
THANK YOU. SERIOUSLY.

FUCK AMERICA. I AM FUCKING MOVING. TO AMSTERDAM. SOMEONE TEACH ME TO FUCKING SPEAK GERMAN.

I AM FUCKING OUT OF HERE.

I really don't want to leave the house. Everyone is thinner and prettier and happier than I am.
Everyone else is more comfortable in their own skin.



Everyone else is perfect.
Even the ugly people.
Perfect.









Not me.






I don't even know what it's like to look in the mirror and think "I look good." I don't know what it's like to walk out of the house and not even think about your clothes, hair, and makeup.
I can never just leave on a whim. I always have to get ready.
It's painful. I meticulously coat each eyelash with mascara.
Eyeliner- sometimes not.
Concealer.
Chapstick. Lipgloss. Leave-in conditioner for my hair.
Oil blotting things. I know they're gross.
Then, I feel better. A more mellow self-hatred.

Seriously, people take for granted being able to fucking like scratch their nose without worrying about their skin turning red.
Nothing about me is working. Nothing fits right.

Some imperfections are beautiful. Love handles on skinny girls. Small chests. Curly hair that is glamorously untameable.
Mine aren't beautiful. Just imperfect. Nothing fits.

Nothing fits.
Nothing fits.

And no matter how hard I try, nothing sticks.

I can't even wear a t-shirt and jeans. Always a sweater. Sweatshirt. Jacket. Cover it all up. Better that they see no shape at all than see the shape I really am.


"You look really good,"
The first person other than Henry to really get through to me.



"You're beautiful,"
I get it all the time. I only believe it when Henry says it.


Little things make me so insecure. Little things that don't even matter.
I'm getting better at hiding it, though.
Actually, I'm great at hiding it.
Recently, I've become the life of the party.
No one suspects a thing.



Good. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't know what we're doing anymore.