i didn't pick a good weekend to quit smoking. fuck i need to smoke right now. it's nearly 3am, it's at least a 20 minute walk to the only place round here that's open, i really shouldn't be smoking anyway. i'm still considering it.
fuck i picked a bad time.

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i didn't bother, though i might today, there are shops open far closer at this time of day. though i wouldn't bother if i could just get some weed, or get loaded, but i have to work. i guess some days you just really need a drug to get you through.

LOST:
1 smile, if you see one laying around let me know.

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i smoked, so shoot me, i like smoking. i was only quitting because i can't afford it, hopefully in the 2 weeks before i move i can find a less stressful day to try quitting on. i am drinking too, i have to work tomorrow. i am a bad man.

i must however thank ninja for putting a smile on my face for the first time today, and it was a big one.

ok so today has been a very good day

i got ren and stimpy on dvd

i went and viewed a house, which is awesome and will be my home in three short weeks *fingers crossed*

i signed applications and acted like a grown up

i bought a big comfy double bed, something i have never had the space for before

a friend showed me something very special, which has made me feel very special and loved

i found out the coworker i hate handed in her notice yesterday

i got shown love from a few directions, all of which put a big smile on my face, not just for being loved but for knowing i can make people feel just as special

i think that's it but there are a few hours of the day left, and i'm waiting to talk to someone very very special, which alone is worth mentioning, but sometimes turns into a very special experience on its own, so i may need to edit this in a couple of hours.

did i mention i got REN AND STIMY ON DVD. some people are just fantastic.

forget that last entry, nothing but paranoia, or maybe gas.

for the three peopel that have a clue what i'm talking about - it's not final and signed, but we are now first in the queue, it should be a matter of paperwork now.
x a fucking lot

the feelings fading, something else is moving in, something darker. maybe it's as simple as paranoia, but right now the skies are gloomy, and i'm getting scared.

so as regular readers of my jornal will know, i've been pretty fucking happy lately. and finally some of that is starting to spread to some others that desperately needed it, it's funny how your smile can start other people smiling isn't it,
so my happiness is leading to bravery, i'm seriously considering doing some things i never thought i could, and they're scary as hell, they might not be for everyone but they are for me, so right now i'm in a weird loop of happy-->brave-->scared-->stopthinkingaboutitandrelax-->happy
i've done so much lately that has scared the crap out of me, and it's all ended up working out pretty damned well, does that mean i should keep going or stop while i'm on top? there's certainly something i still want, but i've got a long way to fall..........

sorry to come over all high school essay but,

euphoria - A feeling of great happiness or well-being.

sometimes there just aren't words strong enough to express a feeling, there aren't songs stirring enough, there aren't paintings beautiful enough.
sometimes you just have to say i'm the happiest motherfucker alive and hope everyone's been there, had the feeling themselves, and not been able to describe it, and mabe then they'll understand the way you're feeling.
so if right now you don't know what i'm talking about, worry not, you will. i never thought i'd get this feeling, this goofy look on my face near constantly, the only time it isn't is when i force myself to stop for fear of ripping facial muscles. a month ago i wore a permanant frown, now i live in happy town sorry that was awful, but then right now i don't give a fuck

someone called me the sprinkles on their ice cream today, that's so fucking cool

what's the coolest thing anyone's called you?

it's not often you can be so happy everything else just fades away. threre are so many things right now that are doing there best to make me miserable, and normally they would but they're just not working right now, i have thwarted the powers of evil, and wouldn't you know it john lennon was right. doesn't even have to be the perfect kind, just having any can make your day.
i wish the nights could go on, i never want to go to bed, but for once in my life i don't mind sleeping, because now i dare to dream.

ok so i didn't want to update this as that was the finest set of replies to a journal even but some things make you sooo happy you just don't care.

right now, at this moment in time, i can't remember ever being so happy. looking forward to stuff is often so much more fun than the stuff itself, looking forward to stuff can last a lifetime, but the stuff can be over so quickly. but sometimes you just know the stuf is going to be so good, and it can only make you look forward to more stuff. so not only am i anticipating, but i'm anticipating anticipating.

i once heard a theory that heaven is just repeating the best day of your life over and over again, experiencing it anew every time, it seems lately that every day is going to be my heaven, but i just know it isn't over yet, there are highs yet to be reached.

i can't believe i'm being this positive, good stuff just doesn't happen to me, it's made me a natural cynic, yet tonight, there isn't a cynical bone in my body.

hope is a fucking wonderful thing.