thank you everyone for your kind words
regarding my last post. it means a lot! <3

i have good news, though! my mom and i
have come up with a plan to get me out of
my shitty situation! i've already talked to my
boss, so i just need to talk to my bank and
the people at our apartments and then i can
follow through with it.

i'm just gonna move back home for a while,
and just clear my head so i can start over
somewhere else. i might move back to mo,
but i might move to fayetteville, ar. i have a
lot of options right now, so i'm just gonna
live with my mom through winter and think
about everything some more!

but i'm really excited. i can't wait to get out
on my own again and be myself again. i've
been so unhappy for so long, i almost don't
know what that's like anymore. ):

thanks again for all the advice. <3

relationship problems: help?

so i've been with my fiance since december 14th, 2007.
we were really happy the first year, but once i moved in
with him and one of his friends things started going downhill. :/

every fight i have with him almost ends with us breaking
up these days, but i always change my mind because i'm
always hoping for change. i figure that's one of my many
problems with myself. i put too much faith in people and i love
people more than i love myself. that's how i've always been,
and, sadly, that's probably how i'll always be..

basically i just feel like i'm a completely different person these days,
and i'm not sure how to fix that. i'd love to just rewind time and be
who i used to be. ): things just never feel right anymore. like i almost
always feel kinda depressed.. i don't really have that many people i
can talk to (or at least i don't feel like i do).. not like i used to, anyway.
i used to have so many friends that i didn't know what to do with myself!
and now i just sit at home almost every day. like if he's home, i'll be home.
he doesn't like hanging out with my friends, so we usually.. no, always..
hang out with his friends (1-5 at a time). and he doesn't really like when
my friends come over.. so i don't really go anywhere. and if i do, i usually
get "in trouble" for whatever reason. it just all seems really unfair to me.
being engaged shouldn't be this crappy! ):

here's some examples (in case anyone's reading this):
- if i hang out with/talk to ANY boy (including my old guy
friends from home), i get bitched at because apparently
that's "not what fiances do."

- if i see my old best friend anna, i get bitched at because
they had a fight about a year or more ago and he never
forgave anna (even though she tried apologizing to him
multiple times and she apologized to me right away!).. so
he's held this grudge against her all this time, and i doubt
he'll ever be okay with her. ):

- i can't smoke/drink/do anything around other guys (even
if there's my girlfriends or gay guys there too) like i used to
because he doesn't "trust them." he says he trusts me, but
it's so hard to tell when things like that happen.. ):

- i feel shitty going back to eureka springs (my home town)
because when i do i like to see all my old friends, and i feel
like i can't because a lot of them are boys.. :/ going home is
one of the things that used keep me sane, and i don't have
that anymore. ):

that's just what i can think of right now.. it's just crazy.
all my friends say i'm right about all this, but a lot of older
people/people that are married say he's right about it??
if being engaged sucks this much, i'd hate to see married life..
haha but i don't think i'll be getting married for a while, so it's all good.
right?

.......right?