I saw a bus the other night with a sign on it that read "Jews for Christ." Just thought that stuff were funny.

Ha! Leavin' Kansas City. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery.

Christ has is been that long? I reckon I'm back then.

Well I reckon since I'm all back and what-not, I may as well update, dig? I'm single again as of last week and I'm pretty happy 'bout the whole thing. You can only get psuedo-broken-up-with so many times 'fore you're just like "fuck it", y'know? Anyway, think I'll focus on money this summer 'stead of girls, which is a strange thing for me to say 'cause usually I'm always lookin' for new girls. What's new with y'all?

http://www.myspace.com/ajaxappleengle

for those wishin' to keep in contact...

Fellin' better. Stuff is goin' good. My account runs out in two days. Perhaps I'll join up later but 'til then, see ya'll later.

I couldn't be more repulsive. I hope you all have better luck than I did. Perhaps it's all that much more fullfilling. Adios.

20 random facts about me.

1) I have quite an affinity for the band Rush.

2) Sex really isn't that important to me.

3) I am not the same person I used to be and I am not happy at all with whom I've become.

4) I cannot stand hippies.

5) I was once fired from a clerk job at a toy store for stealing.

6) My grandfather was Mexican.

7) I felt a spark of momentary relief when my mother died and I live with that guilt everyday.

8) I am a master carpenter.

9) boxers

10) Billy Idol was my first concert.

11) I find it easier to talk to bums on the street than to talk with my father who I grew up with and am on good terms with.

12) I am eating a bowl of potato soup right now.

13) General public's tastes offend me.

14) I wish I had a pet.

15) Every weekend my friends and I have a family fun time sing along.

16) Old country music is my favorite, followed by old jazz, then old blues, then old rock (and I don't mean "classic" arena rock stuff neither).

17) I am absolutely horrible at relationships. Absolutely.

18) I have never cheated on anyone, however.

19) Last week, I had to stop myself from buying a large bottle of bourbon and some sleeping pills to snuff it.

20) I love the enchiladas poblanas at Taqueria Mexico.

So I started seein' a therapist on Friday; it's an extra one hundred forty dollars a month I reckon I can afford. I didn't realize it until the day, but this past Thursday was the one year anniversary of the death of my mother. Talk about bad karma: you don't really know you're stance on euthanasia until you watch your own mother struggle vainly and quite painfully, I might add, for her final breaths knowing you're the one that okayed her doom. I'm not fishing for myriads of condolences so please save them (I got enough of that when she died and I'm not affected positively to your suppprt. Quite the opposite, in fact), I reckon this is sort of a catharthis for me (this journal) so please let me have this one sans your comments. All I do is fuck up lately while last year all my regrets culminated in letting my mother struggle unaided for her life in vain; I can't let anything else go wrong however all I do is make horrible desicions. She was sucking, rather grotesquely and loudly, for oxygen that I elected to remove her from. I was there in that hospital watching her gasp unaided, next to doctors and we were all there suppost to save her from her fate. We watched her die. I heard alot of prayers that I don't believe in. I was told she was in a better place. You know, her better place was in Arizona, with her new husband and grandchildren tending the shrubbery I planted for her before I moved here and feeding the dogs that slept with her and my stepfather. She had such a hard life and she was finally happy with a man that cared about her and respected her and I allowed that to end. I must live with the fact that I killed my mother for the rest of my life. Sometimes I desperately wish I could join her in her slumber and not continue fucking up.

What a rollercoaster this past week! I took the week off hopin' to get out to Arizona and paint me dad's house but it didn't work out (that's the motif of my life lately it seems. That whole not workin' out stuff). So I had the whole week off anyways and I hoped to enroll in UMKC and get a mess o' cleanin' done. I did clean a bit but I was thwarted by the bueracracy of administration and did not enroll. I hope to avail over said red tape on Monday. I'm really tryin' hard to get over that artist-girlie but she sure does have a death grip on my heart and it's proving to be difficult. I actually hung out with her and her new beau on Friday night and I was pissed to discover that I actually like him. Whattayagonnado? I still love her a mess and I count her among my short list of close friends. I was hopin' to get to that penguin movie but to no avail. Perhaps I'll spend some time in a cool darkened theater manana. I matched wits with good friend of mine over a close game of Scrabble only to lose by two goddamn points! I also had some drunken nights on my Mexican neighbor's porch. They were gracious enough to pretend that my Spanish is permissable. I was perturbed to find some live 9mm rounds on their porch as I know they dabble in low level dealings. I reckon I'll not drink with them too much anymore. I bought that Blacklisted Neko Case album today and that is some good stuff. That's a woman I need in my life. How beautiful and haunting her music is. And speakin' of beautiful and haunting music, if you don' know who Alejandro Escovedo is then shame on you. Pick up a record of his soon. Allright then. I s'pect that's 'nough for now, dig?