It's been so long since I've posted, that I'm not even sure what to say anymore.

Life has felt like it's a continual test of resilience for more than a year. All of the layers of my accepted self have been peeled away, until I've been left with... I don't know.

December before last, things ended with someone I cared about more than, well, anyone. Ever. And to have that gone was something that at times I've not been sure I could bear. I dealt with it as best I could, sometimes looking in where I couldn't be seen, sometimes venturing warily into the thick of her, feeling exposed. Then she disappeared, and I thought that might be the end. And then in August, she started slipping back into my life, until finally it seemed clear that there might be a reconciliation. We spoke every day, she said things to me that no one has ever said, and I believed her. Then we spent a weekend together, like we were together, and then she pulled away. Nothing had changed. We were other halves, but that wasn't enough. It never will be.

I wonder if something broke that day, if it's something I'm going to be able to fix, if it's something I deserve to have restored. So much of all of it unfolded because of decisions I made:a decision to become involved when I knew it was a bad idea; a decision to become serious when I knew it would end badly; a decision to ignore the distance that would materialize out of nowhere; and finally, a decision to let her back in after so much hurt, and so much drama, and so many previous chances. And I wonder if that says more or less of me.

These were decisions I made, and I'm being punished or tested by them. And this year has begun with more tests. A month into the year and I've become another statistic of the crumbling economy. And here I am, late at night, alone in an empty apartment writing in a journal that I don't think anyone reads anymore. Maybe I just needed to get it all out somehow. I'm tired of being the one to keep secrets I guess.

I don't feel like I'm connection anyone. I feel distant from everyone. And I'm trying to figure out if I'm up to the tests I see in front of me. Meanwhile, I'm trying to find release in art, which has always been there, even if I forget it, like a poor friend. Maybe I'll write here more often. But I've never been very good about it.

Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.