and then there was nothing. stalking an ex boyfriend I left over a year ago. hating his new girlfriend and her averageness and ability to make him spout kind words. severed heads entire my mind dancing and smiling at me. i don't know what it all means. this doctor says you need to see this other specialist and the specialist says I need to see the doctor. a wheel of torture possibly of my own design. can't even touch myself anymore without feeling pain from tightening pelvic muscles. something must be done. please, rip out that which makes me woman, what is left of it at least. do I get a half off discount since there is only one ovary to suck out? I should. and then there were methadone induced abnormal sleep patterns and i forget if it is day or night or what day or when I fell asleep and if I slept at all. coloring mandalas and realizing the color patterns are quite psychotic. can't believe i spent an hour coloring that one damn picture. the circles and squares and empty space of these spritual healing devices in native american, tibetan and celtic cultures evoke rapid eye movement momentary dream states of twenty-two seconds. Nag Champa incense burning in the distance of a dim room where i am longer myself.

i have realized that when I am fucked up on pain killers it is nearly impossible to write in my journal. Some of the recent entries have been so crazy, like in a different language or a jumble of words or just ink lines and smears where I fell asleep while writing. It'll be like a conherent few paragraphs followed by sudden nonsense about tap dancing in a circus themed bowling alley or some bullshit.

you know, I haven't had sex in about two months now.... I don't think I've gone that long without sex since I was sixteen And this is also the longest I have gone without a boyfriend. Not that I am a co-dependent type of person at all; someone has just always been there. I suppose one could say that right now is "me time." In other words, time for ime to figure out who I am and what I want and what makes me happy. The best part of being single is having the whole bed to myself; the worst part is not having someone to wake up to.

sorry i have been out of the sg world for a while. i'm so glad to be back, and all i must admit, I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS EVER!! Thanks to everyone for missing me and for always supporting me. the past few weeks can be described in a few words: doctors, hospitals, tests, medications. Unfortunately nothing has changed when it comes to my health... things just keep getting worse and new symptoms pop up every day. It sucks because sometimes it prevents me from attending some group events. But enough of the boring shit. I can't wait to hear from my beatiful SG friends. I love you all!!

I realized something last night.... God I have missed kissing women girls ladies chics. So gentle and like reaching into the depths of femininity and sensuality. Yummy. I also realized that I have been sheltering myself from developing friendships/relationships for some time now. I'm done with that. Even if I am sick and in pain and no doctor can figure out what is wrong with me, I can still make time for friends. I don't have to stay in bed all day, because the truth is that I am going to feel like shit whether or not I am home or out somewhere. Oh yeah, and I also remembered how much I love BOOBIES!

Fucking exboyfriends. I have no idea what my problem is that I attract the crazies. I just want a normal guy... you know, no drama no drug addictions or stealing problems or pathological liars. someone who enjoys life. someone independent. oh fuck it. i don't really want anyone. Hey I already have a few jobs lined up for after my surgery and recovery. I should start working again sometime this fall. And living at home with the parents is a huge plus since my paycheck will totally be mine. right now i'm living off allowances and daddy's credit card. not so glamorous. i'm such a little girl.

Got to meet up with steveneurotic, broken_princess, and Sindy666 from the SGC group yesterday. Lots of fun. Those are two beautiful gals inside and out. And Steve, well he's Steve, need I say more? I really really need to shoot a photo set. I think I've come up with an idea, but shhhh I can't tell you because it's a secret!! i'm posting some new tunes on my music page this week, check it out. The Confectionista. I've been strangely inspired by recent relationships that have crashed and burned. why is it that i always fall for the same type of guy, and it always ends the same. makes for good music.

thanks for all the happy birthdays and all. it was a good day... japanese food and cheesecake. yum. haven't been feeling so great lately, I have my appointment with the specialist who did my surgery last year Aug 9th. This will be when we decide on my next upcoming surgery. After this next surgery, I will officially be a barren woman. Good thing I wasn't planning on making babies anyways. I'd much rather be a rock star.

those of you in concord/charlotte surrounding areas need to message me. I am in severe need of hanging out with new, fun people. drinks and smokes and good conversation. having just moved back here, i have forgotten what the fuck there is to do around here. someone needs to take me under his or her wing

The move is complete. My room is beautiful! I am excited to have a nice little nest all to myself. The colors I have chosen for my room are chocolate, red (spice), and burnt orange. I really love decorating, and I think maybe I should pursue a career as an interior decorator. who knows what I will do. but for now I am practicing relaxation and finding or re-discovering my inner and outer beauty. For so long I was made to feel less than I am. I have decided this is fucked up and unacceptable.... and thus the real "me" emerges fresh and new like a baby birthing.