I saw Belle & Sebastian last week and they were amazing. After that I saw a woman i hadn't seen in about 24 years. We went to high school together. We caught up on Facebook and we shared a moment. Then she said her ex asked her to get back together. Now I have no idea where I stand or what's going on. I dont need this.
None of this actually applies to me as i'm a guy and (fortunately) have not impregnated a woman, but I found a lot of these quite amusing.
PREGNANCY Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the words 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you're fatter than they are.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps? A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex? A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitise nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.
PREGNANCY Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the words 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you're fatter than they are.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps? A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex? A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitise nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.
Some friends came down from Sydney for a few days and last night we went to a Mexican tequila bar and grill where we had a great tapas dinner. The mushrooms and calamari dishes were awesome.
Then today I took them for a drive up to the Dandenongs where we had a counter meal in a cool old school pub. They both had chicken kievs which they weren't blown away with, but my burger was great. I love hamburgers, best food ever. Then went to SkyHigh lookout where I haven't been since I was a kid. Beautiful spot but it was quite overcast so the view wasn't too good. I then took them to Chadstone shopping centre (which is regarded as the largest in the southern hemisphere) where we had a bit of a walk around and then a coffee.
I like coffee flavoured ice-cream and chocolate with coffee centers but i've never been a coffee drinker. Or tea for that matter. That was the first coffee i think i've ever actually paid for in my life and I had to put three t/spoons of sugar in it so I could drink it. I dont think i'll ever buy another one again. I just dont enjoy hot drinks except for a hot chocolate now and then. Although I do love soup.
Back to work tomorrow for one day before the weekend. I needed a few days off to clear my head but couldn't get the friday off as two people were already going to be away and it's only a small business with seven employees so they cant really manage to have three off in one day. But that's OK because Fridays are usually quiet and i'll be going out for dinner with friends to my monthly cocktail degustation. Can't wait, love it.
Then today I took them for a drive up to the Dandenongs where we had a counter meal in a cool old school pub. They both had chicken kievs which they weren't blown away with, but my burger was great. I love hamburgers, best food ever. Then went to SkyHigh lookout where I haven't been since I was a kid. Beautiful spot but it was quite overcast so the view wasn't too good. I then took them to Chadstone shopping centre (which is regarded as the largest in the southern hemisphere) where we had a bit of a walk around and then a coffee.
I like coffee flavoured ice-cream and chocolate with coffee centers but i've never been a coffee drinker. Or tea for that matter. That was the first coffee i think i've ever actually paid for in my life and I had to put three t/spoons of sugar in it so I could drink it. I dont think i'll ever buy another one again. I just dont enjoy hot drinks except for a hot chocolate now and then. Although I do love soup.
Back to work tomorrow for one day before the weekend. I needed a few days off to clear my head but couldn't get the friday off as two people were already going to be away and it's only a small business with seven employees so they cant really manage to have three off in one day. But that's OK because Fridays are usually quiet and i'll be going out for dinner with friends to my monthly cocktail degustation. Can't wait, love it.
Although I already have booked in Thursday to take off because I have a friend coming down from interstate, I ended up leaving work early today and am taking the next couple of days off also. Really not in a good spot mentally at the moment and my workmate, who i'm really good friends with, actually pulled me aside and said that they are really worried about me. It's good to know that someone cares but I know it's up to me to pull myself out of the rut i'm in. He wants me to see a shrink, and maybe i will, but I know what it is that is getting me down and ultimately it's me myself who needs to fix things. I'm comfortable with my own company, but also wish I wasn't alone.
I have to say that in the last couple of months I have actually become far more interested in the girls on this site that are just members and not SG's. They are definitely more 'the girl next door' than a lot of the sets that have been going up lately. Obviously those women are still someones neighbour, but not mine, and also not the ones that interest me.
It's nearly a year later. I really dont think i'm a blog person. I'm fascinated reading the blogs of others but my life is not that exciting. I wish it was more so. Maybe I might start documenting my tedious life.
Today I went to a mushroom farm and saw how mushrooms are grown commercially. It was actually quite fascinating. They grow 1mm every hour. So therefore they double their size in 24hrs. That's pretty impressive. We were able to taste mushrooms freshly picked, and although i'm not a fan of raw mushrooms they tasted a lot different to the ones you would get at a supermarket.
After that we went to a vineyard and had an absolute smorgasbord layed out in front of us.4 different wines to drink, two white and two reds and about 8 different mushroom based dishes to share. Everyone awesome and we didn't pay a cent for any of it. Although I did I get a $60 parking fine, but i'm happy to pay that (in a way) because it was such a great day out.
I'm not a wine drinker at all, but after those 4 glasses I was feeling happy so I bought a bottle of gin. That's why i'm posting this blog. I'm a little drunk right now. If I get even one reply then i'll post again, otherwise I'm not sure I will. I dont really understand why posting your daily journeys/escapades is so fascinating to other people. Unless it has bewbs involved, i'm a little confused.
Today I went to a mushroom farm and saw how mushrooms are grown commercially. It was actually quite fascinating. They grow 1mm every hour. So therefore they double their size in 24hrs. That's pretty impressive. We were able to taste mushrooms freshly picked, and although i'm not a fan of raw mushrooms they tasted a lot different to the ones you would get at a supermarket.
After that we went to a vineyard and had an absolute smorgasbord layed out in front of us.4 different wines to drink, two white and two reds and about 8 different mushroom based dishes to share. Everyone awesome and we didn't pay a cent for any of it. Although I did I get a $60 parking fine, but i'm happy to pay that (in a way) because it was such a great day out.
I'm not a wine drinker at all, but after those 4 glasses I was feeling happy so I bought a bottle of gin. That's why i'm posting this blog. I'm a little drunk right now. If I get even one reply then i'll post again, otherwise I'm not sure I will. I dont really understand why posting your daily journeys/escapades is so fascinating to other people. Unless it has bewbs involved, i'm a little confused.
I hate computers. I've been trying to post a profile pic for ages and it's still not working. I need a friend who understands computers to come over. Doesn't matter. You don't want to look at me. I want to look at you. You god damn sexy SG girls you!!!
